The small talk itself isn’t important, but being able to start interactions in a casual way is a useful skill for networking and dating among other things
How will I know they are important?
Your boss will be smiling and sweating.
They’ll be wearing a suit.
They’ll have minions hovering.
Or something else.
Every non-family member friendship or relationship I have started out as small talk. How else would such things start? If I couldn’t find a way to get a conversation going with a stranger, I’d be looking at living and dying alone. How is that not a big deal?
About $3.
I can’t remember the last, non-business related, occasion when small talk was required by me. I would guess maybe 20 years ago was the last time. I have a hard time imagining where this would even be appropriate. I guess church goers probably do it, but I am irreligious. There just isn’t anywhere that I am thrust into the company of strangers and am forced to drive the conversation. I would think that, with other forms of communication rapidly making conversation of any sort obsolete, small talk is no longer a required skill.
Sometimes you have to do it for business situation but in private life I just don’t see it as relevant.
I am an old settled married man so maybe it is different for others. I’m sort of curious now. Where do people go that they even encounter small talk these days?
The “non-business” part is a weird limiter on this. I make small talk with people I work with, with my students, and with their parents. All of my current friendships have arisen out of those three groups, because I don’t have much of a life outside work.
And even if it’s not something you do now, you got married at some point. Did you and your spouse just jump straight into deep, serious conversation? Because I met my husband sitting in front of a building in college, smoking cigarettes, and we started up a conversation that was, indeed, small talk. Stayed small talk for several weeks of running into each other in that same time slot on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And even now, he likes my family, but when the family gets together, he’s pretty much making small talk with them. And he has a group of friends he games with that I don’t know well, so when I say hi, we make small talk. Right now I don’t really see anyone in that group ever becoming my good friend, but if they do . . . it’ll be through that small talk.
I think you’ve sort of answered your own question as you’ve said you don’t ever need to drive conversations with strangers. Well, I do.
Or rather, instead of “need”, it’s just useful to do that from time to time.
For example, I wouldn’t have my current job otherwise. When my team finished our big project, we were all made redundant, except a couple people who were pulled into other teams.
I got my pull because I previously helped another team. And I’d been approached to help them because they knew me.
Then dating. I’m not in a serious relationship so I need to start conversations with girls. I like going to social events (classes, trips, debates), talking to lots of people and letting conversations with pretty girls just happen organically as part of that.
But even if I only focused my attention on girls I like, I’d still need smalltalk (at first).
And then of course a little friendliness can often help when buying goods or services.
These are just the first that came to mind.
Jam is the red kind and jelly is the purple kind.
Then I’m a double genius. I’m a genius and I don’t know how to talk.
“Small talk” is an exploratory conversation about common topics which carry little or no emotional load for the participants. That way, if it turns out you disagree, the conflict is not large enough or important enough to totally derail the interaction. This is one of the reasons small talk is difficult for introverts and people with social anxiety, or for almost anybody taking to a crush or someone they want to impress: The act of conversing per se is so emotionally loaded that there are few or no available topics where a conflict doesn’t feel huge. The feeling of being disingenuous comes from treating something that you think inherently has “stakes” as unimportant.
The purpose of chatting in the first place is simple. It’s the same thing your cat is doing when it looks you dead in the eye and then rolls over and goes back to sleep. “Hi. I see you’re there. I don’t feel like fighting you for territory, food, or status, so I’ll just notice you obviously and leave it at that.”
2[sup]2[sup]2[sup]2[sup]2[sup]2[sup]2[sup]2[sup]Just how small does one have to talk for it to be small talk, how many lies must we speak to get you into bed, or is it just saying things smaller … meh …[/sup][/sup][/sup][/sup][/sup][/sup][/sup][/sup]
Sometimes, maybe, but I think there are many other more common purposes, the most common simply being to start an interaction.
It seems to me that the same people who complain about not being able to make small talk are often the same ones who are ‘too smart’ to watch sports or other popular media. Funny how that works…
Never noticed that correlation, and, while anecdotes are not evidence, I can name several counter-examples. If not sports, then old movies. If not old movies, then gardening. If not gardening, then cuisine. Even fuddy-duddies who don’t like sports or TV can find plenty to gab about!
(I was at a party where all the young’uns were talking about online video games, most notably Pokemon Go. I was quite at a loss, but I soon zeroed in on someone else of about my own age who wasn’t able to engage either, and we had a lovely time talking about our various surgical procedures!)
I think the best small talk crystalizes around noticing stuff in the environment.
A big skyscraper is going up in the lot across from the window in my office breakroom. So while people are sipping coffee, they’ll congregate around the window and ponder out loud about the construction.
“Are they really going to dig four stories into the ground?”
“It’s a shame that when the building is finished, we’ll lose the great view of the river.”
“I’d love to spend the day operating that crane. That looks like a fun job.”
“I wonder how long it’s going to take for them to finish.”
“I bet they hate working in this cold.”
It’s mindless chitchat, but occasionally someone throws out an interesting fact or makes a funny joke.
I’m an introvert and I don’t actually care for socializing all that much, but I still can appreciate the need for mastering small talk. Good things tend to happen when people enjoy your presence and don’t feel awkward around you. If people know you’re a good “small talker”, they are more likely to engage you with “big talk”–the stuff that actually matters.
I pulled that out because it is a different beast. You HAVE to make small talk in a business setting. This is the only place where it is a requirement. Anywhere else it is optional.
I met my wife when I answered an ad about an activity we share in common. I don’t remember exactly but I’m sure our first conversation was directly related to that activity. Once we became acquainted few, if any, of our conversations were what I would consider small talk. That’s one reason we got along. She had complex, interesting things she wanted to talk about.
Introvert here.
I’m fine at one-on-one small talk, I can usually feign interest and catalyze continuing dialog. Where I fall down completely is groups of three or more, it feels more like competitive dominance to fill the conversation space, and I’m just not agile enough to take advantage of gaps or to dominate at the appropriate times to insert my own trivial contributions in a way to continue conversations. So I quickly check out and start daydreaming and finding any excuse to escape from it all.
However there is no inconsistency between wanting to talk about complex, interesting things yet engaging in smalltalk as a practical necessity. As you yourself recognize by saying that it’s essential in a business setting.
For me, I’d certainly like to think I’ve got lots of complex, interesting things to talk about. Yet the set of situations where smalltalk is a necessity for me is greater than just “in a business setting”.
Yeah. I suspect that’s because of global warming. Which is only going to get worse given the recent election of Trump. I can’t believe so many people voted for him, but given the number of people who believe in counter-factual things like religion, it’s not too surprising I guess.
How am I doing?
Quoted because I like what you put and think it makes sense 