I need some tips on group interaction. I converse quite normally when it’s a one-on-one situation, but when more people are involved, I clam up. I’ve figured out that I have a fairly quiet speaking voice, and I’m hyper-sensitive about interrupting anyone, so I rarely say anything in group conversations. I merely sit back, smile, and nod.
But I feel the need to overcome this, and I’m trying to become a bit more outgoing and vivacious. And I’m tired of being labelled the “shy” girl.
Any ideas?
Alcohol?
I was the same way especially in middle and high school. What really changed things around for me is when I started to realize that the reason I was so shy was because I cared too much about what others thought. I was always afraid to put my opinion in or say anything really, because what if they thought I was rude or stupid or just a moron. Instead I just kept my pie hole shut.
After I realized this I just slowly started opening up and well sometimes people thought I was stupid and a moron. Sometimes people didn’t but either way i just didn’t take it personally. I figured no one is interesting to everyone so just take everything in stride. For the most part unless you’re totally socially inept which I doubt taking this approach may help you out.
It also helps if you can manufacture some group settings with some close friends mixed with complete strangers. That way you kind of have a comfort level with those you know and it will allow you to interject in the conversation more. Also since they know you if you start speaking they are more likely to pay attention and therefore give you more confidence to speak up.
Anyway when I was younger I was horribly shy and these two things helped me out a bunch. I don’t know if any of this applies to you, but hopefully I’ve been of some help. Good Luck and hopefully someone somewhere will give you just right advice for you.
Freshman year at University, I had a bit of stage fright. A playing partner gave me some good advice concerning confidence – “Fake it.” It’s not about imitating someone else’s behaviour, but rather imagining how you would act if you were at ease and comfortable in a given situation.
I think it works because it moves your focus away from worry about potential embarrassment and toward thoughts of how to express yourself.
**I merely sit back, smile, and nod. **
Think of some good questions that would be appropriate and ask them. This will give you a practice opportunity without the imagined pressure of having to carry a conversation. Be patient with the progress you make.
Dana27
This is a great idea. I encourage you to build strong relationships with people that are interested in you and what you have to say. These are the kinds of friends that could really help you work through this difficulty.
I would also like to add that it is important to not take yourself too seriously. This would create more pressure. Lighten up a little and approach this kind of like a research project. If you make some mistakes, you learn something about yourself and others. That is a good thing. Move on and keep putting yourself out there.
My first question would be, does it matter whether this group is made up of friends or strangers?
I second what Dana27 says. Perhaps you’re overly concerned about how others react to what you say. There are a couple of approaches to dealing with this.
The first is to think about the subject matter under discussion. If you know little about it, ask questions rather than give opinions.
The second is, if the sibject matter is just light chatter or general bullshitting, to speak out with some things that you free-asscociate during the chat. If you can let loose with some wild conversational tangent that folks will laugh at, it will help your self-confidence enormously.
Bit really, the ultimate solution is to have faith in your own opinions. Even if no one agrees with you, putting out and defending your own opinions provides its own rewards.
Thanks all, for your input.
It doesn’t matter whether the group is a bunch of people I’ve known for years (my family, for example), or total strangers, or co-workers. I just haven’t figured out to open my mouth and say anything. Also, I tend to think and consider before I speak.
I’m confident in myself, my opinions and my knowledge. One-on-one, I am intelligent, witty, and charming… add more people, and I’m mute.
I like the “ask questions” approach, though, and I’ll try that. Now, how do I manage that without interrupting (or treading upon someone else’s verbal territory)? Do I speak up too slowly? Do other people jump in there before I get a chance?
Try observing the social rules in the settings you’ve identified; don’t overlook non-verbal cues. Different groups have different rules about interruptions; some groups show interest by talking before someone else finishes.
From an article at Executive Update Online
"For example, “high-involvement” speakers (a group that includes many Italians, African Americans, Russians, Eastern Europeans, and New Yorkers) “freely talk over each other, trusting others to persist or withdraw depending on how badly they want to raise a topic or complete a point,” [Deborah] Tannen notes. Picture “The Sopranos” around the dinner table.
By contrast, “high-considerateness” speakers (which tend to include German Americans, Irish Americans, Midwesterners, Scandinavians, and New Englanders) usually wait a second or two after another speaker has finished before starting to speak. Think “Leave it to Beaver.”
To a high-involvement speaker, interruptions simply indicate intense interest or passion. But to a high-considerateness speaker, interruptions feel intrusive, almost like assaults."
If you want to read further, Deborah Tannen’s books (You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and others) may be worth a look.
That explains much… I’m an Irish-German-Midwesterner. At least now I know I’m dealing with generations of social conditioning, and it isn’t just me! 
Giraffe wins with the simpliest solution. 
Or, what my Favorite Aunt ( mother of six) does to get a word in edgewise when the conversation is rolling and she needs their attention is the international sports signal for Time Out. Usually followed by “Hold your horses…what is * this* ?”
Gypsy GirlBTW, I reallllly like your user name , it is ok to clam up in a group setting. You are labeling yourself wrongly. Think of yourself as an observer. And when you do say something, very little is better, everyone will think you smarter than the blowhard knowitall who is on a fillibuster to end all fillibusters. It is all about timing. Everything in life boils down to timing and fresh breath.
I use to get headaches from the pressure of being at parties and social events. I was quite the shy girl in social settings. Cute girl, long hair, big blue eyes, rigid in the group fearful to say anything. ( around family and friends, fergetaboutit.) But I knew I had something to contribute but couldn’t get it from my brain to my mouth without some horrific gaff. The stress of it all. Yes, the same loquacious, effervesent Shirley, stressed out at parties. It’s hard to imagine.
I’d forgotten about my reticence to attend parties until I was cleaning out a bunch of old purses to give to charity and in the little zippered compartment in every one of them was at least a half a dozen tylenol. It was like *oh, yeah, for those headaches that use to come on in social situations…why did I allow it to get to me? * Answer? I was young and insecure, and gradually, like drops of water filling up a glass, I grew into this person I am now, groups setting didn’t bother me. Now, to complete the metaphor appropriately, I am full of it.
But, not all flowers bloom at the same time.
Take your time, be patient and if all else fails, turn up the stereo and just shout at everyone.
Move to NYC, hang out with soap opera actors, drink a lot, do some hard drugs, and become bisexual.
That’s how I did it, at least.
Ava
More organized activites might help, if you’re playing cards or Trivial Pursuit instead of just chatting, everyone is expected to talk at least some of the time, to keep the game moving. This also discourages one person from monopolizing the conversation, because that person is being interrupted constantly by the play of the game. In that scenario, you don’t have to worry so much about when to interrupt, because it’s happening naturally. There’s also something to talk about, so it’s expected that people will pipe up with anecdotes like “the dumbest answer I ever heard anyone give in a game of Trivial Pursuit” or “the most amazing poker hand I was ever dealt.”
At larger events, you can also give yourself a “job,” like bartending or helping the hostess, especially at the beginning of the party. Everyone wants to talk to the bartender! Plus, they don’t want to talk to the bartender for that long, so you can practice conversation in little spurts, and then rest up. Since you’re talking to people one-on-one, you can glean little tidbits of information for your questions later on, when you’re talking in a large group. “So Bob, you mentioned you know Betty from law school – what kind of law do you practice now?”
Join a local chapter of Toastmasters International (toastmasters.org).
Go on raving hollow nonsensical fillibusters (to steal from SU).
There’s a guy in class who does this, His mouth is moving but he really isn’t saying anything.
It’s really annoying but it seems to work for him, people seem to like him…
And I think he’s just trying to overcome his shyness…
Toastmasters is a great suggestion.
If you have trouble making eye contact, look at the bridge of their nose instead. It’ll look like you’re making eye contact but won’t feel as intimidating.
Ask questions. Get the other person to talk about themselves, and you can add commentary or ask more questions. It’s a less stressful way to enhance interactions with others, and gets you into a place where you can move up to more involved interactions.
Go to medical school. I did this, and my shyness got ripped from me. I can look anyone in the eye and talk about anything, even initiating some of the most outré conversations imaginable. And I no longer blush. At anything. (This last bit of advice, goint to med school, is probably a bit extreme)
Qadgop, you were shy? Wow, that surprises me. I can’t imagine any doc being shy!
gypsygirl31, you will probably always be a little shy, although you can learn to be more assertive in conversation and fake being outgoing. That’s my experience anyway. But I think deep down, shyness is a basic personality trait. Be happy with that little kernel of shyness. Shy people, are wonderful! Love yourself!
Here is the RickJay Three Step Solution To Overcoming Shyness:
Practice.
Practice.
Practice some more.
There’s no technique or trick that will cause you to overcome shyness. Being shy is simply a lack of self confidence in group situations, and the only way to gain confidence is to be in group situations. Interact with groups as often as possible, even if it means you’re the quiet one in the bunch for awhile. The more you interact with groups, the more confidence and skill you will gain in dealing with group conversations, and the less shy you will be.
Sorry - it’s going to take a long time and a lot of interaction. But I guarantee results.
All of the above, plus the realization of the following:
People are mostly thinking about themselves. Next time you’re in an uncomfortable social situation, look around and realize that everyone else is thinking the same thing you are: What is everyone thinking about ME? Therefore, in reality, no-one is actually thinking about you at all, only themselves. Even if you were to say something really stupid, or pull some sort of social gaffe, people are only gonna spend so much time thinking/talking about it and then go right back to thinking about themselves.
This might be a touch cynical, but it really helped me overcome my own social anxiety.
Good luck, whatever you do. Social anxiety sucks and if you allow it to, it will hold you back in more ways than you might realize.
This is just my casual observation. In conversations a person tends to make two statements, then opens the floor to someone else to make their two statements, and so on. If a person takes the floor and makes only one statement, the others will tend to wait politely in potentially awkward silence until the second statement is made, or until a new person decides to take the floor.
Like this -
Bob:
Mary:
[pause]
Sue:
Bob:
[etc.]
I’d scrounge up enough bravery to pipe in my one statement, then be embarrassed when it seemed to stop the conversation. People were just in fact being polite and waiting for me to continue. But I didn’t realize this and was too embarrassed to follow up my statement, or make any new ones for the rest of the conversation.
There are journal articles on pauses and timing, I think these are fascinating, though don’t remember the names of them. If this interests you here’s something I just googled - http://www.automated-testing.com/organiza.htm
The most obvious things in life take me the longest to understand, go figure