Thanks, Phantom Dennis. That site looks interesting.
Will the learning never end?!!!
I am the very opposite of shy. I wonder if there is someway I could capitalize on this. There was a CSI or something where there was a wingman service. Women take men out and help them get introduced to women. I would be great at that. I’ll talk to anyone, I don’t give a shit. Sometimes I’m even delightful. (sometimes beligerent though) Would you guys ever do something like that? Go with me to parties or something and I can help you be social or make friends or meet prospective dates? Just curious. Always looking for my next hairbrained scheme
A professional wingperson? That sounds interesting. (Another reason to go to San Francisco, one of my favourite cities!)
I’ve often wondered whether a social coaching service would work: someone accompanies you (or even tails you with a camcorder) and tells you what signals you’re missing and how to improve your social mannerisms. So many times I’ve read stories here where someone here relates a story of being out with a friend, and the friend says, “That person was totally hitting on you!”, and the someone here says, “I had no idea.”. If we just found out in enough time to do something about it, instead of seven years later (in my case)…
To answer the OP’s question: Yes. I’m one of them. And, yes, I was told by an extrovert that I was widely seen as “stuck-up” because I didn’t talk to people, when in fact, I was mortified of saying something stupid to scare them off. The times I have actually opened my mouth to talk to strangers, half-the time I actually did make some ill-timed, offensive or otherwise inappropriate remark to drive people away. There was, for example, the time in college when I was approached by a girl who knew the (impoverished) guy I was seeing. At the time, I always painted my left pinky nail black and grew it long; I guess I was trying to be Goth or something. She asked me, “Is that your coke nail?” I didn’t do drugs, and still don’t, so I answered, in what now seems like a self-righteous tone, “I have better things to do with my money than spend it on cocaine.” She replied, “Oh, yeah? Like spending it all on [name of guy I was seeing]?” and stalked away. Little did I know she and her crowd were the biggest bunch of cokeheads in school.
My point is, I have been scared away from much social interaction by the social faux pas I’ve made. I met my (soon-to-be-ex) husband through a club I joined at college, where I was comfortable enough with the people I met there to be considered “one of the guys.” Now that I am looking at the prospect of dating again, I’m terrified. So I’m making an effort to reconnect with whatever friends my ex hasn’t hijacked so I can have a social life again. I try to force myself to talk to people, like the other moms at my daughter’s school or the guy at the store where I buy anime DVDs, so I don’t seem stuck-up. I don’t think I should try medication for social anxiety, because I’m afraid all my inhibitions will be gone and I’ll make a fool of myself.
:enters:
“Awwwww, gaaarsh” :o
:exits:
It might work, but not everybody likes to admit that they’ve got a problem with shyness, so I imagine a lot of shy guys would avoid using such a service to avoid the stigma.
I’ve always thought there should be a kind of “shy camp” where parents could send their quiet kids for the summer. Someplace where they’d be forced to interact constantly and work on developing some social skills. The kids would hate it with a passion, but they’d probably be a lot more outgoing after they came out.
So… after 10 minutes of trying to convince the boards to accept my payment for another year I FINALLY get to post. And yes, the fact that it’s been over a year since I’ve posted is quite relative to this thread.
I think the issue is (as most issues are) more complicated than shy/not-shy or extro/introverted. Although I’m not really sure that I really have a point as to this matter. But I find it interesting because I myself LOVE public speaking. I have no problem whenever I’m in a training course or in front of a group of people. In fact I’m a police officer by profession and a volunteer firefighter/EMT aide by hobby. Which means I’m in the spotlight quite a bit. And as a police office one of my more recent positions was to teach DARE to fifth grade students. The training for that was more intense than the reality in that I was being judged by adults. In high school I regularly spoke at our fundraisers.
But when it comes to personal matters I’m almost so shy it’s phobic. I HATE talking to strangers on the phone and regularly procrastinate so badly with bills because of this that I’ve had the power turned off on me. I am scared to death to post half the time in case I get attacked for my opinion. And yet I can defend my opinion very well… And this is as ANYONYMOUS as it can get! I am very outgoing with my close friends but I hate going to ANY social event if I have to walk in alone. EVEN if it’s a work-related event where I know most of the people. I spoke at my high school graduation and our fundraisers but only lately found out the kids thought I was elitist since I didn’t really talk to anyone outside of my friends. I have seven cats and two dogs and personally think they are better conversation than half the people I know. And I pretty much own my own library.
Which may end up meaning I actually am snobbish and elitist instead of shy. Though I really think it boils down to insecurity. “Police-me” and “EMT-me” arent’ the true me… and I’m never sure the true me has anything to offer…
That’s my problem too; I assume any thought I have has already been thought. I’ve had to overcome that to participate in meetings at work. :smack:
By reading this thread, one might get the idea that shyness and low self-esteem go hand in hand. I just wanted to say that I’m very, very confident and, once you get to know me, gregarious, outgoing, and I’d even say charming. My shyness is physiological- it’s my nervous system and my genes, it’s not low self-esteem.
Wow look at all these screen names I’ve never seen!
By my calculations, your posts are costing you $3.75 each. Just thought I’d mention it 
She asks you a rude and stupid question, and then takes offense at your answer because she’s a cokehead. I don’t see the problem.
I’m not shy, exactly, I just don’t like making small talk with random people, or about stuff I don’t care about. Put me in a room with football fans and I’ll be bored off my ass and looking to escape, but put me with a bunch of gamers and I’ll talk all day.
Heh. I’m on those types of meds, and yeah, I do worry a little less about speaking. It actually takes me a little while to realize when I’ve messed up because I am not as compulsively self-analyzing. But it’s one of the good things about living in a small town; you learn to in general not say anything critical of anyone because chances are the person you’re talking to knows the person you’re talking about, or there’s some connection.
Speaking of faux pas, one that sticks out is, out to dinner with a group:
“Why are you so quiet?”
[thinking of <keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, or open it and remove all doubt>]“Well, at least I’m not saying anything stupid.”
I didn’t mean it this way, but of course it was interpreted as a slam on the rest of the group. :smack:
Extroverts feed off social interaction while introverts gain strength from alone type (according to the classic Meyers Briggs definition). So to an extrovert, your silence makes them as uncomfortible as social interaction might make you. You aren’t providing them the feedback they need and it feels awkward.
Also, the only thing that is worse than negative attention to some people is being ignored.
Note that being introverted is different from being “shy”. Introverted is a preference to be alone. Shyness is an awkwardness and uncomfortibleness around people. For example, I test in the middle of the E/I scale on Meyers Briggs. I like socializing but I also have no trouble spending an entire day doing nothing in my appartment by myself (kind of like “I hate people but I love gatherings”).
Introversion can lead to shyness or social anxiety because you are spending so much time alone you aren’t getting the skills to interact with other people. You don’t develop a “thick skin” so to speak so are a lot more sensitive to people’s occassional jerkish remarks than you should be.
I was kind of shy when I was younger, especially around people I didn’t know. But through exposure to groups of people I learned how to approach and interact and connect with people I didn’t know in such a way as to not make them uncomfortible. Eventually, it became something I enjoyed. A lot of is was through conscious choices I made. Like choosing to say “whats up” to a person I don’t know who sits next to me in class. Nothing, special. No expectation of any future interaction. Just acknowledging someones presence.
You’ve slept with three? at the same time?
You aint shy, you’re bloody lucky 
I have always been shy in social situations, especially if I don’t know those present. About 10 years ago I was taking a class at a local community college, part of the course required speaking in front of the class. The first few times I got through it but it showed, I wasn’t the only one nor the worst so I didn’t feel too bad. The instructor took me and 3 others aside one night and suggested we take a class in public speaking, he even had the instructor there. We all signed up and the instructor was terrific. She let us go at our own pace and made everything seem easy. Who knew that talking into a microphone on stage in an empty theater in front of 3000 empty seats could be a terrifying experience. My final exam was a 5 minute presentation prior to a talk by Bill Cosby, I talked about teenagers driving station wagons and the hazards of throwing perfume filled water balloons from moving vehicles. I did okay, got some laughs and my voice cracked just a few times. And one of the first to congratulate me when I went off stage was Mr. Cosby himself. Because I don’t speak in front of audiences on a regular basis some of the things I learned have faded and I have reverted a bit. Now if I can get over that shy bladder thing in crowded restrooms.
Shy at first. One thing that makes me extremely uncomfortable in social situations, is I have a neurological condition which causes spasms in my hands. It’s barely noticeable, unless I’m nervous. And I’m always nervous around people who don’t know me. My symptoms started in High School, wheeeeee! and have gotten a little worse as I get older.
But, once I’m comfortable with people, and feel they’re not freaked out by my weird hands, I can be myself.
I can’t even imagine being freaked out by your weird hands, unless your weird hands are NINJA HANDS!
Then I’d be freaked out.
I’m shy, but I’ve gotten better. It is not easy for me to initiate small talk, but once the conversation starts, I’m good to go. I’ve found that it’s easier for me to be the listener/question-asker when I’m meeting someone, because that way I can control the conversation. Answering questions makes me nervous, because I’m always certain that I sound like an idiot.
I’m not good about introducing myself, though. I’ve never been the type who can just go up to people and say, “Hey. I’m monstro. And you are?” I blame low self-esteem for this, because I think the thing that keeps me back is that feeling I’m not worth knowing. So when I’m at parties where I don’t know anyone (a situation which I absolutely try to avoid), I usually stand by the wall and wait for people to come to me.
Oh, did I forget to mention that part?