Seriously though, I’ve been writing for about 10 years now, and always wanted to read, but never had the cojones until, well, I got 'em. I took a chance, got up on stage, and was a bloody hit, if i do say so myself. You’ve just got to do it, old fears like that one aren’t going to go away (to paraphrase Maya Angelou) they’re like a tiger in the closet, or a lion in the hall, they’re never going to go away, so you’ve got to live with them, and in peaceful coexistance, because you cannot ever underestimate the value of fear, you can however determine what fear is good and what fear is bad.
You sound like a classic introvert to me - nothing wrong with this - just one way of being. My father is like this.
I’m afraid that if this is your approach, you’re going to come accross as a horrendous bore, only willing to talk about what interests you. What I would suggest - this is the technique my father uses (he had to develop social skills for work) - is to engage the other person in conversation about them. It’s easy for people to talk about themselves and then perhaps they’ll have an interest that you share. Really, if you have NO shared interests it will be difficult for anyone to talk.
Talk about yourself (perferrably in 3rd person) all the time. Any chance you have to loop the conversation back about you and all your fabulousness, the better. Make sure it is in a loud booming voice so as everyone can hear you properly.
2.Drinking copious amounts of alcohol at all social gatherings is a great way to make new friends.
Surround yourself with Emotionally Train-wrecked people so as to bolster your self image and esteem to be the Big Fish in the Little Pond.
Always talk to your phone/walkie-talkie right in front of other people, it will let them know how cool and important you really are.
Oh, wait, I’m copying this from * Getting in Touch With Your Inner Asshole.* By Richard Blowhard.
My rules:
Relax & be yourself.
Enter conversations about things you like or know about or want to learn about.
Don’t panic. We have all done something remarkably stupid or said a gaff that we wish we could just disappear on the spot.
Learn to make fun of yourself. Not too much lest everyone think you are massively insecure, but pepper it in once in a great while.
Force yourself. It’s the only way. You’ll hate it and feel stupid every time you do it. But eventually, it works.
I still have my moments (I’m 25). I don’t like asking questions of clerks in stores or making phone calls (especially food delivery)… so I make myself do it.
I don’t think shyness–in any of its forms–is something to overcome so much as accomodated. You don’t have to feel outgoing, just learn how to cope. It’s like learning to ride a bicycle, swim or dance. It’s clunkier for others than some but they’re all just sklls. Who cares why or how you do it, as long as you don’t fall over, drown or stomp an innocent bystander into bleeding goo?
I’m a hardcore introvert, which is far removed from insecurity. I always knew I was funny, bright and twisted but never let it show beyond a very few trusted friends. (True fact: a guy from high school casually linked up with a group of my college friends. When the light finally dawned that he knew me he said, “I didn’t know you could talk.”)
There’s a difference between knowing who and what you are and trusting how you’ll be received. Talk about cognitive dissonance. But it really is a two-way street. A shy person just needs to learn tolerance for how different those streets can be.
The two most useful bits of advice I ever got:
Stop dwelling on yourself. No one else is paying all that much attention. Get your mind off yourself.
Focus what the other person is saying. Listen.
Honestly, how you look and sound barely registers on most people. Self-consciousness is badly over-rated. Everybody plays lead in the movies inside their own heads. You’re just scenery or a walk-on, so bag the insecurity.
Nothing’s more forgettable than talk , but nobody forgets how another person makes them feel. Being heard is unusual to exhilaration because damned few people actually bother to listen.
You may stiill be shy, and privately amused, but betcha you’ll suddenly be considered charming. Go from there. It’s an exploration; shy people just do it differently.
I told myself that if I was as awkward, annoying, and unpleasant to be around as I thought, than there’s no point in being nervous at all. The way I saw it, nervousness were for those who had a chance at being accepted by whatever group of people they hoped to join. If I was as hopeless as I had thought, just what the hell am I afraid of? If this is how things are going to be, I might as well just be myself and enjoy it since it makes no difference to anyone else.
Yup, that’s how I solved my shyness problem. Might not sound like the healthiest way to do it, but I’d say this philosophy gave me more confidence than anything else.
As an extremely shy person I’ve heard these theories before that I must have low self-esteem, or worried about what people think of me. Bullshit. I’m very sensitive. About 10-15% of the population are extra-sensitive people, and shyness goes along with that. Once I learned that about myself, it made it much easier to accept it as part of my personality.
If more than 2 people are looking at me while I’m talking, my face glows bright red. I am more comfortable, though, making small talk with strangers than I ever was before… I think that sort of thing just takes practice.
I’m a strong, confident, intelligent woman, so I KNOW it’s not a self-esteem thing. It’s a characteristic that’s hardwired in me, not a personality flaw.
Just as an aside, I wanted to share this little tidbit: In your 20’s, you’re always concerned about what people think of you. In your 40’s, you don’t care what people think of you anymore. In your 60’s, you realize that nobody was ever even thinking of you in the first place.
My advice to ‘getting over’ your shyness (which is not so much getting over it as adapting): practice, practice, practice. Talk to people any chance you get; standing in line, on the bus or train, at the bar, etc. There’s even a social club for people to learn and practice public speaking- Toastmasters.
Good luck.
Alice in Wonderland picked up on the fact that picking a list of topics that interest you is counterproductive. On the other hand, the fact that you suggested it is what made me relate to your post. Honestly, I would rather be alone (or possibly dead) than make small talk about what Katie Couric was wearing this morning on Good Morning America. It seems almost morally wrong to me to use your brain for such drivel. (This is IMHO, other peoples’ MMV of course).
But from your other posts I don’t think you’d get into the Katie & Matt outfit conversations, either. This is something I’m still working on myself, but I think it helps to seek out people who genuinely share your interests and belief system. Get involved with a political cause you believe in, or a non-profit. Don’t rule people out because they are a different age, but focus on spending time with people who share your values and have some depth. When someone says something that interests you, then make a real effort to listen, ask questions, get to know them. A few friends go a long way when they’re real.
For others in this post who are shy, I highly recommend Toastmasters (www.toastmasters.org). Great for overcoming fear of public speaking and general shyness, as well as an affordable way to interact regularly with people. My club is full of interesting people, and as they give speeches I get to know them beyond a superficial level and can pick up on our common interests.