It is a serious problem for me when I would like to ask someone out but I get bashfull/cowardly to do it. Thing is, I have a birthmark on the face, which makes me self-concious. What exercises you recommend to get over shyness
I used to be painfully shy, and the only thing you can do is get over it. You will miss so much out of your lifetime if you continue being shy. Friends, opportunities, romance.
Don’t get me wrong, a little shyness is charming, but a lot will harm you.
Exercises to get over it? Dunno, my loneliness eventually conquered it, and basically I just started doing the things I was so damn shy about.
I also took a class in Public Speaking which helped a lot. And once I had done things a few times and realized no one was aghast at my efforts, I started feeling better about it.
Good luck to you, other people will no doubt have much better advice!
It depends what you mean by “exercises.” If you mean things you do on your own, I’d recommend meditation, in that it generally reduces your overall stress/anxiety level, but then I recommend that for a lot of things. (Also, YMMV.)
Otherwise, I’d have to say just go out and talk to people. Even if it’s just saying “Hello,” to someone, it’s something. Whenever you go out and make eye contact with someone, just smile and say “Hi.”
If you’re hanging out somewhere, at the mall or wherever, ask people simple questions. “Do you have the time?” “Do you know where the bathrooms are?” (Leave your watch at home and drink lots of water and coffee if you need that extra edge of wet-your-pants necessity to get you started. 
)
The key at this point is getting accustomed to talking to people you don’t know, that’s all. Once you get that, everything else will come naturally enough.
And the number one thing to remember–and I’m sure you know this, but some people (like me) like to overthink things to the point of paranoia–is simply this: People are friendly.
Assuming you approach someone in a conversational manner (and if we’re talking approaching strangers here, approach from the side or the front, not from the back; we’re not looking to startle people), they’ll be nice to you. They may not, alas, agree to jump right into bed, but they won’t be annoyed that you approaced them either.
Second most importantly, relax. Remember, people are nice (even the attractive ones, believe it or not :eek: ) and not apt to bite you for no reason. Heck, given your SN, that really should be your job. 
Have you tried recently to get the birthmark reduced? That might give you the confidence you need.
Many doctors won’t even suggest such “non-medical” procedures unless they think your medical plan will pay.
And if it’s been there forever, they will think it’s not an issue to raise.
So just ask. If you have a regular doctor, a call is probably easier than a visit. He will remember the spot and advise from there.
No matter how shy you are, it can’t be worse than me in my youth. What got me over my shyness was just getting out of the house and intermingling with people. What you will realize is that no one’s going to laugh at you if slip up once in a while. No one will be staring at your birthmark. I second the idea of joining a group to improve your public speaking skills. There’s nothing more intimidating than standing in front of a group of people to speak. If you’re still in school, join the debate team. See if there’s a local chapter of Toastmasters in your city, and find out how you can join. Shyness can be overcome, but the solution will not come to you. You have to make the effort.
Join the Toastmasters. It’s a group organized around speechmaking, basically. I’ve never been to a meeting or anything, but I know quite a few people who loved it for teaching them all sorts of great skills – how to carry one’s self, how to speak in public, how to be funny or thoughtful when speaking, and so on. The folks I know who were involved really liked the supportive atmosphere, especially for new people.
Yeah, it’s not exactly a cure for shyness, but sure seems like a structured way to improve your confidence, make friends, and learn skills useful for work and life. Maybe it is for you. You won’t know until you try.
How bad is the birthmark? Is it a Gorbachev-type, character-giving thing, or a Quasimodo-type, life-altering deformity. Have you considered makeup? Just a small amount of foundation might do a good job of hiding it, or at least making it less conspicuous. Assuming you’re a guy, this may be a slightly humiliating option, but it might be worth the self-confidence boost.
If you’re naturally shy, I’m willing to bet you’re blowing the birthmark way out of proportion. I was extremely shy when I was a teen and I used to fret continuously about my acne, but looking at old pictures of myself, I see now that I was no worse than the average teen.
Anyway, you have to stop thinking about the birthmark, one way or the other, because I bet when you talk to people, all you can think about is how terrible the birthmark must appear to them, and your conversational skills probably suffer as a result. Hide it, get it reduced, or just learn to forget it – it doesn’t make much difference, so long as it no longer has control over your behavior in social situations.
That said, shyness is just another type of phobia – the fear of associating with people, and more specifically, the fear of being embarrassed – and the standard treatment for phobias applies here. Desensitization. Force yourself to talk to as many strangers as possible. Your uneasiness around people may never completely vanish, but it will eventually be reduced to a tolerable level, and you will learn to hide it to the point where you can function – even thrive – in most social situations.
The hard part is getting started. It helps to have an outgoing friend who’s willing to help you “break out of your shell”. If you’re lucky, you can find a doctor or psychiatrist who’ll prescribe you a minor tranquilizer like xanax, which is great for getting past that initial thousand-foot hurdle (although tranquilizers are not usually recommended as long-term solutions, since they can lead to tolerance and addiction).
I’ve gone down the antidepressant route, and I found them to be useless. It’s generally agreed upon that they’re not nearly as effective with anxiety problems (like shyness) as they are with depression. But who knows – they could work for you. Everybody’s brain chemistry is different.
Another aspect of shyness therapy is learning to suppress thoughts that lead to the kind of behavior you want to avoid. Shy people tend to have low self-esteem, they tend to be extremely self-critical, and they assume other people are way more critical of them than they actually are. You have control over your own mind to some degree, and with practice, you can learn to smack down the negative thoughts when they pop into your head, and more importantly, foster the good ones.
You are a badass. You are God’s gift to the universe. People are dying to hear what you have to say. Everybody likes you and wants to be your friend because you’re the most awesome person in existence.
You get the picture. You’re probably aware that none of this is true, but believe it or not, this is exactly how most outgoing, type-A people think (regardless of reality), and in order to function socially, you need that underlying level of confidence, which means you need to learn how to lie to yourself a little bit (at least in regards to your personal worth).
Good luck.
Just what I was going to say. Find a Toastmasters International meeting near you here. The people there will be happy to work with you, in a very supportive environment. Just show up, watch and listen. If nothing else, you’ll hear some interesting speeches.
I’ve belonged to two different clubs, an upscale club in La Jolla, CA, and a rural club in Marion, OH. The people in both clubs were great. Most of them were working on shyness or fear of public speaking, some were interested in helping others, and a few just enjoyed public speaking, and felt they had interesting things to share (that was me).
I was a lot more shy when I was younger, and I consider myself pretty confident and open now. I can’t say exactly what it is that let me get over it, but here are a few things that helped me:
- Stop avoiding eye contact. It’s nobody’s business but yours where you are looking, and come to find out, most people don’t mind brief eye contact with someone who looks comfortable, open, and positive. A positive glance from a shy person is heartwarming. A light genuine smile will probably be returned. Don’t take it as an invitation to talk necessarily, just leave it at that and let it slowly build your confidence that most people out there think you’re ok.
- Don’t beat yourself up about not asking people out. It’s a bad way to meet people, really. To really have a good shot at meeting someone, you should have a mutual acquaintance. Work on acquaintances before you work on dates. Wait until the person you want to ask out is clearly interested in you before you consider it. It should be obvious that you should ask someone out; if you’re deliberating, forget it. Work on something else until you’re confident, open, and connected enough that people gravitate towards you.
- Try internet personal ads. I had success with match.com. Don’t expect too much – your goal should be to try to go out on one date per week. If you’re up for internet personal ads, start a new thread here on internet personal ad tips!
The thing is, you have to confront shame. Shame is a very personal and self-imposed emotion/feeling. You can lose it and go beyond societal constraints or let it continue to rule you and prohibit everything you wish.
It seems a little radical, but I learned a great deal about shame as well as learning to leave some of it behind by going naked in a co-ed, no clothing, German Sauna at around 16 years old. I know it sounds a bit strange but this is an actual physical excercise that works. Maybe you can try a local nudist organization or perhaps get involved with various sky-clad pagan events. Once you come to terms with your physical nakedness in an accepting environment all else follows, it is a pardigm shift in confidence. Sure, you will feel the burn of embarassment but that will fade and you will soon find the natural, unfettered, being that exists within all of us but is discouraged by social conventions and constrictions.
Remember, society has trained you to accept shame, but to feel shamed is a choice. Confront it, lose it, replace it.
I was pretty shy once. What ended it for me was learning to approach strange women and talk to them. After you learn to do that then carrying on a normal conversation becomes alot easier. However I doubt you’ll want to go this route.
What may help are things like visualization and realizing everyone is insecure. Visualize yourself carrying on conversations or interacting freely. Studies have shown visualization to be very effective at changing procedural memory/ability. For example people who visualize shooting baskets gain just as much skill as people who actually practice it.
Also you have to know why you are shy. I guess it is due to the scar on your face, so realizing everyone else is insecure could help. Also many people have their own scars. The person you talk to may have been molested as a child or maybe they hate themselves. Picture them calling themselves an idiot in their own mind, or standing in front of a mirror disgusted by themselves, or being afraid to speak up for fear of looking stupid. Its hard to be intimidated by people when you do that.
Toastmasters is a good suggestion, as everyone else has said. I was pretty painfully shy as a kid, thanks to a rather unfun experience in boarding school.
What helped me was hanging out on BBS’es and IRC – and attending a few meetups where I was neither murdered by axe murderers nor shunned. People were pretty open online, and I could get to know them without my deafness getting in the way. These folks were more comfortable with technology and using a notebook (both the paper and the electronic kind) to communicate with me. So that was my first step on the path to learning to negotiate with my shyness.
I was never part of Toastmasters, but what I do is reasonably similar – every summer, I volunteer to speak as a life/career role model to several groups of high school students. This situation means that the kids are predisposed to be more receptive, so I can handle minor flubs in peace. Also, I’m quite likely never going to see the kids again, which frees me up to just blather on and see what happens.
The suggestion about getting out, smiling at people, and talking to them is a good one. I also found that if I had good posture and walked like I knew where I was going (ie, more confidently), people would treat me accordingly. So this eventually migrated up to my brain and I started feeling more confident. Pretty much a positive feedback loop.
A couple strategies that have worked for me:
People like listeners as well as talkers. If you can somehow project that you’re a good listener, you’ll make friends without having to talk much. If you then get so interested in what’s being said that you let a response slip out, well… let it happen.
It might help to join a group that does things, where you can participate in doing without talking. Your group mates will learn to appreciate you as a hard worker - yes, this approach can be overdone, so watch out for that - know your volunteering limits. Otherwise, though, you might find yourself becoming less self-conscious in the comfort of the group… let it happen.
There are people around whom it’s just comfortable being quiet. I like them, too.
I am currently taking Zoloft (gotta love that little sad bouncing ball thingie) for post-partum depression. I also suffer from social phobia. Gosh, if my company has a “mandatory” luncheon or something I would literally make myself ill worrying about what I would say or do to make myself look stupid. The wonderful aside of Zoloft for me has been that it has helped overcome this huge phobia. Now, I’m not gonna say that I love large gatherings and idle chit-chat, but it’s not nearly as fear-inducing. YMMV.
I got out of my shyness by stepping into leader roles more often. At work, I excelled, and took a leader position. I would say that I’m much less shy because of that – you have to deal with people. After all, what does a birthmark matter in the workplace? (For me, I’m overweight, so I understand.) Find something you’re good at and knowledgeable about, and lead! I also took up DM’ing for my rather demanding gaming group. That taught me a lot about how to be assertive!
In short, you have nothing to apologize for. If someone won’t talk to you because of your birthmark (very unlikely), they’re a jerk. And who cares about what jerks think? Sod 'em!
P. S., if you’re still worried, I work for a company that offers products that might be able to help you with the birthmark. If you’re interested, e-mail me for info. I could probably get you some freebies.
I second CivilGuy’s suggestion of being a good listener. I have never been shy, but as I opened your thread, I was trying to analyze what makes me outgoing.
And I think it’s that I’m interested in people. I walk up to them, I talk to them, because I am INTERESTED in them. I like to hear what they have to say. So, if I don’t say hello to someone, they might not tell me all about their aunt who recently went on a trip to London and actually saw the queen … blah blah blah, you get the picture!
I’ve been a writer and reporter all my life, which is a license to be nosy.