Personality Overhaul - who has achieved this? Please tell me it's possible!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I would like to change a LOT of things about myself, especially now that I am a mom. I would like to be the healthiest, happiest mom I can be for my daughter, so that I don’t pass TOO much of my own crap on to her. And my husband deserves the best possible wife, because he is a truly amazing person. But I don’t know where or how to start changing!

I have tried going for counselling at several different times in my life and it just hasn’t worked. I feel like my natural ability to bullshit takes over, and the counsellors never actually ‘get’ me. I would love to find someone who can reach through the bullshit, but until then … I am stuck doing this on my own.

I read a great book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” that I was hoping would help, and it did to a very minor degree, but I need something more drastic.

I am very aware of my flaws, and have been for a long time. It adds to my frustration - I almost wish I were oblivious to my passive-aggressiveness, my selfishness, my social awkwardness, my laziness and my short-temperedness (?).

Is there any hope? Do I tackle one thing at a time? Or is there some way I can become a better person overall, who has more control over these negative tendencies?

Anyone have any ideas or techniques or books they can recommend? I don’t like who I am and I don’t want to be this person anymore.

2

Disclaimer: IANAPsychologist

Sure you can change. Indeed any change must ultimately come from within yourself. Books, therapists and so on are merely aids in sorting yourself out.

First off I would suggest trying to be happier about yourself as you are today. We are all imperfect, we all have our foibles. This does not mean you should become a narcissist but I am willing to bet your daughter and husband and others love you. Realizing you have areas that could use improvement is good but be happy with yourself overall. I know it is not always easy and we can be our own harshest critics. Nevertheless it is important to be happy with yourself overall and all the good things you bring to other people’s lives.

Changing those things you are not so thrilled about in your life is not a simple matter. You have spent a lifetime becoming the person you are and developing the coping mechanisms you have. Do not expect miracles overnight. Think of it as a process…indeed a lifelong process…and that should help overall in those moments when you are bound to slip up.

I am not sure that tackling every issue you have at once is the way to go but it is important to note that many of these things can, to some extent, feed off of each other. For instance, become less selfish may make you less short tempered because you do not feel “slighted” as easily as you once did. That might then roll over into being less lazy as you choose to do things for others and then you feel better about yourself and become less socially awkward. I am not saying that fixing just one thing will magically cure all your issues but there should be a feedback loop operative to many areas of your life and fixing one thing should put some positive benefits to other areas.

As for actual “to do” lists I do not have much advice but I would start with just trying to be more self aware of your actions. At the end of the day (before falling asleep for instance or whenever) mentally review your actions and take note of the times you wish you had acted differently. Try and be honest with yourself…if you acted like a shit admit it to yourself. Consider how you might have gone about it differently and resolve to be better in a future situation. Consider apologizing to whoever it was you felt was wronged and/or something you can do to make it up to them (which might just be being extra nice or cooking a favorite meal for that person or whatever).

I would also suggest mental “timeouts”. When I was a kid and would get all worked up my dad would tell me to “count to ten”. Silly really but it worked. Counting to ten broke the mental whirl into anger or not well considered actions. Basically take a moment to slow things down and give yourself a chance to think a bit. If you notice you are being selfish or short tempered then take a different tack. Note that at first you will still feel angry about whatever it is so it will take some doing to just let something go even if you are worked up about it but try. I should note the hard part here is figuring out when you really should be mad and when you need to back off.

Like I said it will be a work in progress. A work that you will (should) spend the rest of your life at.

Best of luck!

3

What exactly do you want to change? I mean really, exactly. Once you figure that out, you can realize when you’re doing it, as you’re doing it. As soon as you become aware you are doing that very thing you identified - you can stop. Find another way to solve whatever problem it is you were using that mechanism for.

It doesn’t happen overnight. But you can train yourself. :slight_smile:

4

Thanks Whack-a-Mole - what you say makes a lot of sense.

And Rigamarole - the first thing that popped into my head when I read your post was “self-defence”.

I think I am just so afraid of getting hurt (I am ridiculously SUPER-sensitive) that I am constantly protecting myself - my passive-aggressiveness, my selfishness, my sarcasm - are all defense mechanisms. I am lazy because I am afraid if I try, I will fail, and failure was not tolerated when I was a kid. I am shy and awkward because I am afraid of rejection.

But I don’t know if that knowledge is something I can use to help me discard these “tools” or not.

(And yes I am aware that of course no-one likes getting hurt, but I am the kind of person that still burns and hurts over an insult or incident that happened as far back as elementary school).

5

It might be worth giving counseling another try. If you’re sincere about wanting to change, after you find someone you think you can work with (and it’s probably worth checking out a few), start with “I’m a good BS artist, so one of the things I need you to call me on is when I start BSing.”

The most basic requirement for fundamental change is a sincere desire to change.

A book you might find of interest: The Road Less Traveled.

Good luck. Becoming a “you” you can be proud of being is a lifelong process, but it’s well worth the effort.

twicks, who’s still on that journey

6

One of my SILs is going through something similar. She’s using her counselor for meds and as a “life coach”. She just moved into a new home (in December) and hasn’t unpacked anything. He gives her assignments such as, “Unpack two boxes today and then do something for yourself (such as visiting her horses)”. Another would be, “Do 15 minutes of workout today”.

Every journey begins with a step. If you find it hard to motivate yourself to take these steps, a counselor or even your husband can give you “assignments” such as, “for the entire morning, don’t complain about anything” or “spend one morning per week concentrating solely on the needs of other people”. These simple exercises combined with determination can help you build new habits.

Use a calendar or a planner so you can check off your accomplishments toward your goals. Add new ones as you make progress.

I’ve found that I have lost sight of some of the things in my life that give me joy. I’m making a conscious effort to make time to fit them into my life again. Since they cost me a bit of money, I feel like I have to follow through so I’m not just throwing the cash away. :slight_smile:

Good luck!

7

Two things I’d like to point out:

Your husband likes you. That’s why he’s your husband. Would he appreciate it if you managed to drop the passive-agressive behaviour? Unless he’s dumb, yes. But he doesn’t want you to be someone else.

A woman who spent her life in a Crayola-colored cloud wouldn’t be a good mom.

That said, I’d say make a list of things you do NOT want to change about yourself, as well as the one you aready have of things you do want to change. Don’t lose track of the positive. My parents considered anything below 100% a failure, so I know where you’re coming from; repeat with me: “I am not a failure. I can do better, but that’s the difference between B+ and A+.”

Do not try to change everything at once, you still want your family to recognize you :smiley:

Talk about it with your husband (maybe with other friends as well); he should be the person best able to help you see the good as well as the bad; he should also be able to signal it to you when you’re slipping into the old behaviors. The signals shouldn’t be anything too obvious. My mother had a period when she kept inserting “no?” two or three times into each sentence; we helped her get rid of it by counting how many times she did it in one paragraph; at first we would do it when we were alone at home; later we’d stop to talk to someone on the street and she started doing it again, so when we parted ways with that someone I’d say “over twenty” and Mom would go “uh? Oh. My. Gawwwwwwd, DUH!”

My parents were part of a “Couples Group” (Teams of Our Lady). It’s a Catholic group, but a lot of the things members have to do are good for any couple. One of them was “at least once a month, and preferably once a week, set aside one hour to talk - in this time, tell each other things that the other has done since the last meeting that you have liked and disliked; for every thing that you disliked, find at least one that you liked; this time should be separate from sex time (if you end up in bed that’s fine, but sex shouldn’t be the only form of communication for a couple).” Maybe you can do something like that with your husband, and in your case focus on whatever point you are trying to change at the time.

8

For me, it helps to think of small, concrete, positive things to do. Not “I’m going to stop doing X,” but instead, “I’m going to look for the opportunity to do Y,” or “Every day, I will practice this new good habit.”

If you are lazy, pick one thing that you’d like to improve, and work on it consistently for a month. If your desk at work is always messy, then set aside five minutes every day to work on straightening it out. Set a timer, and when it goes off, you’re done. The important thing isn’t the exact task that you choose, or the length of time, it’s getting into that positive habit and seeing your work pay off over time.

If you are shy, make yourself a concrete goal to push your boundaries. For example, commit yourself to striking up a conversation with a stranger once a week. Doesn’t have to be a big thing, just say, “Nice weather, isn’t it?” to the person in line with you at the grocery store, or give someone a compliment.

If you feel that you are selfish, make a committment to yourself that once a week you will do someone a favor or share something that maybe you might have preferred to enjoy by yourself. When an opportunity presents itself, you can think, ah, here’s my chance to do something unselfish this week! This makes otherwise dreaded situations into positive ones. And if you get a second opportunity in the same week, maybe you’ll decide to go ahead and do that, too, just for extra credit. :slight_smile:

These might not seem like much, but, like Whack-a-mole says, you spent a lifetime becoming the person you are, and you’re not going to change overnight. Trying to do too much, all at once, is just a prescription for failure. Every small goal you acheive is a step in the right direction.

Keep track of your progress, too. Give yourself stickers on your calendar, when you accomplish your goal for the day/week/whatever or, if that seems too twee, just give yourself a star or a check mark. You need to be able to review what you’ve accomplished to fully appreciate it.

(And now, rereading the other posts, I see that Kalhoun’s is saying exactly the same thing. Ah, well, I’ll submit anyway.)

9

I have some character flaws that I would like to change. I’m selfish and arrogant with a regretable nasty streak.

I don’t think you ever can *change * your personality, but you can make efforts to reign in your character flaws. It’s something that you’ll never “finish”-- I know that I’ll never wake up and say, “Okay, now I’m a nice person.” It’s something I’ll have to work on for the rest of my life.

The key is to recognize the impulse to be selfish (or mean, lazy-- whatever) and curtail it before you act upon it.

10

Exactly.
I’m very sarcastic-to the point of being hurtful-but I really make an attempt to think before I speak these days.
I also have a quick temper but instead of immediately flying off the handle, I try to take several deep breaths and walk away for a period of time.
If I’m still angry later, I’ll take it up with the person but allowing a certain amount of time to elapse makes me calmer and more rational.

11

First of all, being self-aware is a step in the right direction; you are not oblivious to the things you may want to work on about yourself. Secondly, if you had that kind of feedback when you were a kid, you may be hypercritical toward yourself and beating yourself for things that other people don’t notice. or that aren’t as bad as you think. Third, I can definitely recite a bunch of childhood incidents I could brood over. :wink:

My therapist has said that whatever voice or persona your guardians had toward you when you were little sticks with you even as that person is different. In my case, I had a very controlling father who colored my views on myself and that persona is still there. I get along with him for who he is now and don’t really connect the two, but that persona still judges me the same way.