My self esteem in badly in need of some help, as demonstrated by this thread.
Most of the time, I just feel like a horrible person and I don’t know how to change that. I’m sure that some of it has to do with neglectful parents and a very long abusive marriage. There are also several other bad situations that I find myself in and I feel that I am the common denominator.
I feel very unattractive and that there is never anything I do that will be good enough for anyone else. I am a person who is never going to be loved in any sense of the word.
There is evidence of the contrary. I have a very challenging job that I love and I do very well there, just being promoted. I have a boyfriend who thinks the world of me. But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, which I hope is a step in the right direction.
Are there any suggestions to help me stop feeling this way?
I find my self-esteem is boosted when I actually DO something. I can verbally affirm myself and have friends cheer me up until the cows come home, but at the end of the day I really don’t get that “Hell yeah I’m Auto and I’m awesome” feeling unless I have something to latch onto. It doesn’t have to be anything major. It could just be exercising instead of slacking off, or doing my language study instead of slacking off, or painting the house instead of… yeah.
Although it reflects poorly on me, to be honest I also feel a lot better about myself when I’m in a relationship, or even just getting some action. Of course, I’m a guy so compliments on sexual prowess might not do the same thing for the female psyche. I dunno.
You might ask your therapist for “homework” of some sort. Maybe they can suggest a book or something you can refer to outside of sessions. There are so many self-help books regarding self esteem that I’d want some kind of referral as to which one to read.
Maybe your therapist will suggest affirmations or have questions for you to answers in your private time which can assist them in helping you.
Outside of therapy try to focus on positive things, even if they aren’t necessarily about you. Positivity often breeds more positivity. Finding the good in every day things will help you focus your mind on things to be grateful for, including you.
Like Autolycus said, doing something will likely make you feel better. You feel like you’re not helpless when you’re active.
If there’s something specific in your life that is making you feel bad, figure out what you can do to change it. You mentioned feeling unattractive. Will new glasses help? A new hairstyle? I’m not saying that you have to change yourself on the OUTSIDE, but while you’re working with your therapist on how to change the way you think about yourself, you can also tweak the exterior. We all can improve! Little things can sometimes really help.
I’ve found that very low self-esteem is often paired with self-obsession. People with low self-esteem think about themselves and how much they suck all the time. They are endlessly apologizing to other people because they think other people are paying close attention to them and how much they suck. Their self-loathing is so huge they assume everyone is as facinated by it as they are. This doesn’t mean they are bad people or conceited or anything. They just have everything out of proportion.
So my solution is to get into situations where you are so busy thinking about other people that you can’t think about yourself: go build houses for Habitat for Humanity, volunteer at a soup kitchen, visit strangers in a nursing home and listen to their stories. Spending 4 or 6 or 8 hours at a time not thinking about yourself gives one a hell of a rest. Teaching does this for me. I worry so much about other people that there isn’t much room to worry about me.
And stay in therapy. It can help, but not in a few weeks.
The traditional, politically-correct plan for building someone’s self esteem is as follows:
Artificially build their self-esteem by telling them they’re wonderful, great, smart, etc.
Hope that they go off and accomplish great things.
This doesn’t work because it’s backwards. To build self-esteem, a person must first accomplish things. As they accomplish bigger and better things, their self-esteem will naturally blossom.
One of the best things I ever did for my self-esteem (in retrospect) was take a self-defense class. Our instructor made us repeat Out Loud, every class:
I am worthy (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually)
I am strong (p, m ,e, s)
I am independent(?) (p, m ,e, s)
The combination of I guess what you’d call affirmations along with learning how to break someone’s knee like a broomstick was very effective. Instead of being martial arts moves(not there aren’t a lot of good things about that), it was about awareness and everyday weapons and the emotional strength to avoid being a victim. I also had to drag my ass to class once a week, which got me out of a rut.
As suggested above, get out and do something outside yourself. I know it’s intimidating, and possibly you think you don’t have much to offer, but you DO and you CAN do it, if you really want to change. I could go on, but I don’t want to be preachy. I used to have really poor self-esteem, and I’m a lot better now, so I know it can be done!
I found that it helped when I set goals. Even if it’s something simple like planning to tidy up the apartment over the weekend… there is a sense of satisfaction when I look around the clutterless place and know that I’m capable of doing what I set out to do. Another thing is to take up something that I’m passionate about as a hobby. For a while, I was into crafts and really enjoyed sitting back after a craft session to and admiring all the glittered up cards that I’d made. Recently, I’m back into swimming so now I combine goal-setting with hobby by trying to set an amount of laps to swim within an hour session. This is something I found to be good for me both physically and mentally. Of course, you are going to have to figure out what works for you…
First off, begin the process of Healing by working on your self-blame issues. Excessive, negative self-judgement has been my problem, having come from a somewhat similar background.
Realize that other people, especially selfish and controlling people, will almost always seek to blame everything on you. They’re late, which inconveniences you, but somehow you’re the ass for mentioning it. They hit you, but somehow you’re to blame because you made them do it. You are NOT to blame for the actions of others. They make their own choices. You’re only responsible for you. When others blame things on you, step back, consider what really happened, and if the situation is due to their actions, then don’t accept the blame, the guilt, the shame.
This is the big thing, right there. You have to learn not to accept Blame, Guilt or Shame from other people, or to dump it on yourself (which is actually harder than stopping it from other people).
This is just the beginning of what I could tell you on this path, but it’s where you have to start.
Not that I am a big believer in the effectiveness of your steps 1 and 2, but how do you explain the people who are at the top of their field, but never believe they measure up? Surely I’m not the only one who meets these people?
And **dragongirl **mentioned in another thread that she is now manager of a group home for disabled adults. While in general I think **MandaJO’**s advice is spot on, it sounds like helping others is an area where **dragongirl **already deserves a pat on the back.
**dragongirl **, You might want to consider joining Toastmasters. It’s a club where people help each other develop communication and leadership skills. The regular interaction with supportive people, as well as giving increasingly challenging presentations to new audiences, often helps people develop self-esteem. You can find a club in your area at www.toastmasters.org and you can attend as a visitor for free.
There are always exceptions. I have also met people who are the opposite… they’re complete losers but have *tons *of self-esteem. They’re the exception, too.
Do you have any hobbies or interests? If not, take up a class, sport, etc. As others have mentioned, setting and meeting goals, building skills, etc. all help with self esteem. They also keep you busy so you don’t have time to feel like a loser! So try a cooking class, self defense, spinning, archery, drawing, horseback riding, creative writing, fencing… whatever seems interesting and fun to you!
Volunteer work also helps a lot. Find an area where you think you can help and where you’ll be interested. It can be with children, adults, the aged, , the environment, animals, whatever. It just needs to be meaningful to you.
Periodically, do something nice for yourself. Get a massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, etc.
Sounds like you put a lot of stock in what other people think about you. Needing to feel attractive or loved. Even your job or boyfriend. All those things can come and go at someone elses whim. And then where are you?
Personally, I think therepy is bullshit. What do you do? Sit for an hour and pay someone to pretend to listen to your problems?
As people pointed out, the way you build self esteem is to do the things that make you uncomfortible or unsure of and then learn from your success or failure. When you depend on others for validation, it’s easy to be manipulated into doing things they want so they will make you feel good.
I agree with you, Manda Jo…dragongirl, get outside yourself. Volunteer somewhere, anywhere. Find a need and fill it. I don’t know where you live, but I’m sure there’s a retirement home, an animal shelter, or maybe a homeless shelter nearby. Just show up & tell them you want to help. Then do whatever task they give you.
I don’t know how old your daughter is, but I’m sure that children can help you volunteer at the soup kitchen or nursing home (the older clients will dote on your child, and other children eating at the soup kitchen will befriend her, however briefly. When my younger daughter hit her teen years, she went through a rough stretch of shyness. A therapist suggested that we volunteer at the local animal shelter. Kids & animals are a wonderful combination.
IANAD or counselling professional, but I am a lay person interested in counselling. Some of the statements you make suggest that working with a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might be very worthwhile for you.
You should do some research on this topic, you may find it interesting.
Here’s a description of what CBT is and what it can do to help:
Manda Jo hit the nail on the head. Back when I had low self esteem, I spent a lot of time thinking about myself (and not always in a negative light either). I did an awful lot of evaluating, judging, and taking stock, and in retrospect it was very counterproductive.
A little self awareness and personal insight goes a long way – become too self aware and you’ll start tearing yourself down. Humans are all flawed and weak – it’s hard not to hate yourself if you spend too much time gazing inward.
Realize that a healthy person doesn’t constantly put herself down, but she doesn’t spend an awful lot of time thinking about how awesome she is either. I think low self esteem is an affliction most common among highly self-aware, introverted, analytical types (like a lot of Dopers), and we need to actually train ourselves to become less self-aware in order to become happier and more functional. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, because increased self-awareness is usually a good thing, at least for the majority of people who don’t seem have enough. But if you’re having self-esteem problems, then you are probably among those with too much.
So find ways to shift focus outward. It’s very hard to control your thoughts, but it’s not hard to create lots and lots of distractions. When you find that your thoughts turn to self-criticism, change the subject ASAP. Dive into a book. Go out with friends. See a movie. Anything it takes.
Not to learn how to kick people’s asses with the idea that being a badass will make you feel better about yourself. It doesn’t work that way.
It’s the simple act of learning how to move, to defend yourself, to become more comfortable with your own physical body, combined with advancing through the system that gives you better self-confidence and a better self-image.
You may walk in feeling like you can’t do any of it, and within 3-4 months, you’ll feel like you can do all of it if you work at it. That can be a life changer.
First of all, congratulations on your recent promotion. And that’s wonderful that you’re seeing someone you can talk to (your therapist). Keep that up.
I agree about being active - not only will Chimera’s excellent suggestion of learning to kick people’s asses make you feel more secure, I often find that lots of exercise makes me feel more in control and much more attractive.
Also, keep track of how you’re feeling when you’re feeling it. Are you upset at the same time every month? When are you happy? Do your emotions fluctuate a lot throughout the day or are they pretty steady? What are your triggers for being unhappy? Is there a way to avoid them or improve those situations? Knowing your own patterns can also help you talk with your therapist.
Esteem is built by esteemable acts and accomplishments. Thing is, they have to be acts and accomplishments that YOU deem esteemable. Self-esteem does not come from other people’s opinions of you. Do what YOU believe is right and good and worthwhile, and giver yourself permission to be proud of that, and to like yourself for it.