Tell us how you managed to significantly transform some aspect of yourself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Most of what we struggle with in life is ourselves. We struggle with the habits of mind and character and belief and behavior that are formed so early in our lives that they seem to be written on our DNA and maybe in some cases they really are. So I want to hear stories of how you managed to really, truly, fundamentally alter some significant thing about yourself. How did you do it, what was your motivation, what helped cement the change…anything you think others would find helpful.

I suspect that a lot of people can tell their stories of overcoming addictions to drugs, alcohol and smoking. I’m sure we have some long=term weight loss stories.

But I also hope that some people have managed to change other kinds of habits and behaviors, ways of thinking and reacting.

Because I’m really most interested in what we don’t hear more about, and that’s the internal shifts, the mental processes. I think we’ve heard almost everything possible about “behavior”, but the trick is choosing to engage in whatever behavior will help make the change. What mental tricks and tools did you employ to strengthen your mind and your focus and commitment on the change? If we could all just behave differently and be different, no sweat, no one would ever struggle with anything. We’d just be different. But obviously that’s not the case.

Thanks for sharing your story.

2

It seems to me that many of the friends and acquaintances I have had since adolescence (I am now 47) are slowly but surely turning into their parents.

For me the mere realisation of that fact, and a partner who always points out when I start to adopt the idiosyncrasies of my own father, helps me to question the whats and whys of my behaviour and perhaps claim for myself attitudes and behaviours that are less about conditioning, and more about actually being me.

Objectivity is a tough nut to crack though.

3

Prozac.
Seriously.

Before I went on it, I realized I had been imprinted by a sibling with mood disorders/rage issues/paranoid personality. Loads of fun in my childhood, let me tell you. Joos and BROWN peeps were all comin’ to get us, according to that brother. My mom just told him to shut up. as I never invited what few friends I had over because of the Street Corner Prophet Factor and I found myself yelling at things while my brain was going " HEY! wait a second. Why are you PISSED at this? It doesn’t even bother you if you think about it." This process pretty much started the minute I left home when I married.

I realized I was pissed or outraged because that was one of the two major personality traits that were shown at my house. Besides mind crushing depression, Panic ATTACKS that happened DAILY that made the Japs bombing Pearl Harbor like a walk in the park by comparison and Oh WOE IS ME co-dependency and a dose of Wimmen are weaker stuff. The other personality trait was Spock. Possibly high spectrum Asberger’s with a HUGE FUCKING DOLLOP of depression for kicks. Being surrounded by couple of depressed SPOCK’s is no way go. So, I get Asberger’s totally.

I knew what kind of person I wanted to be ( someone with* friends* and welcome anywhere without the God, I hope s/he doesn’t start to drink/fall asleep/tell filthy jokes fear that just one of my brothers incited everywhere he went. I wanted to make people laugh and smart. ) but this weird rage issues that I couldn’t quite figure out. (It still looms up and I find myself SHOUTING AT MY CHILDREN while my brain is going WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!!11!!! THEY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THIS.It’s ALL NEW TO THEM! THEY ARE LEARNING, DUMBASS! SHOUTING ISN’T HELPING!!1!! and I realize that I’m doing what was done to me. When I hear my children shouting in ALL CAPS at each other, I hear myself and my childhood and I cringe.)
Went on prozac because I couldn’t get out of my head for OCD negative thoughts and it was like a sheild went up in my brain: *things that irritated me but really didn’t irritate me but I thought they irritated me because I was taught that they should irritate me because I was raised in some strange kind of bubble *suddenly became tolerable…and quickly AMUSING.

I’ve ‘studied’ mental illness ( more like center court seats) and now that I take meds realize that EVERYONE HAS ISSUES, quite a few people have a subscription. Or as I like to say, Everyone is fucked up in their own special way.. Whether the fuckedupness® is really inhibiting a productive life (Say having friends or a job that does not involve toweling off a car at the car wash.) or is it manageable (as long as I stay away from CLOWNS and MIDGETS…I’m okay.)

But most people are either in deep denial about their FUCKEDUPNESS® or they refuse to do anything about their ***Fuckedupness® because they are comforted by the misery and internal chaos because it is all they’ve ever known ***or they are afraid of being branded a LOOONEY because of the stigma of mental illness. So, pushing it deeply into the closet and remaining tight/fearful/paranoid/scared IS JUST SO MUCH BETTER THAN say…GETTING TO A CROMULENT HAPPY PLACE. YOUR OWN CROMULENT HAPPY PLACE. Not your MOTHER’S Cromulent happy place. Not Your FATHER’s CROMULENT HAPPY PLACE. THEY WON’T LIKE/APPROVE OF YOUR CROMULENT HAPPY PLACE BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS (ALIVE OR DEAD) NEVER APPROVED OF THEIR OWN CROMULENT HAPPY PLACES. I think it imperative that I write this in all caps to get the message out there that YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER GIVE YOU THE APPROVAL YOU NEED BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE APPROVAL FROM THEIR PARENTS. AND YOUR GRANDPARENTS, EVEN THOUGH QUITE POSSIBLY DEAD OR MOSTLY DEAD, ARE STILL LOOKING FOR APPROVAL FROM THEIR PARENTAL UNITS. AND IT GOES ON AND ON.

When you realize it, everyone is living with their parental units in their head, RENT FREE!

[SIZE=“4”]GUILT AND SHAME. IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER! and breakfast, lunch, midnight snacks. Availabe during daylight hours and dreamland slumber.

If any of this has made sense, I apologize profusely. It won’t happen again.*

  • because I am being held hostage by the Joos and Brown peeps who are forcing me to type out a manifesto on my old smith-corona. Jon Stewart, Chow Yun Fat and Tyrese Gibson…mmmmmmmmmmm.
4

I quit drinkin’.

Period. End of story.

It helps that I had set a major lifetime goal for myself, and after achieving that, I’m happy with the job it comes with. I’m not trying to be melodramatic with things, but I have to be ready when the phone rings now. . .

But with that goal, I realized I had to get myself into shape. Cutting alcohol was the first thing to go. Between the extra calories and the way it made me feel sluggish, I just decided I was better without it. So far, I’ve dropped thirty pounds, and feel a hell of a lot better. Also, there’s the mental acuity and agility–I don’t ever have to worry about myself being “up” to something that day. I’m always ready to hop into the truck and roll out. Without feeling sluggish from the night before, I have more f*ckin’ gumption than ever.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still have my vices: I surf the Dope here, I am constantly building things/buying tools, and coffee is again my new best friend (Java’s a harsh mistress, but she got me through my teenage years). It helped a lot that I had 14 - 16 hour days in the hot sun, where I was occupied. It also helped that I had to get up at 5:AM on those days, and I really didn’t want the baggage of a “night before” or even a hangover on my back. Alcohol is/was a limiting factor, so it had to go.

So, my main thing was that I wanted a kickass job. I’ve got that, I’ve got the physical stamina and mental agility to do it, and I’ve got a loving wife that’s happy with it all too (and the loss of 30 lbs, rrrowwrrrrrr!).

Tripler
So yeah, I quit drinkin’.

5

Religion.

Seriously, I was a normal 36 year old guy who loved history and Halloween costumes and the occaisional cocktail and spent a lot of my spare time trying to get laid.

Then I really started to examine my prudish tendancies and motivations. I realized that the urges I was always fighting came from within and the strength I was finding to fight them came from without. All the history I’d read about great men and women and their faith finally clicked into place. I was a changed man and I hope, a better man.

But that’s just me.

6

For me, it has always required an element of desperation.

Well, once I’d passed that stage of learning who you are in your late teens and twenties. I was quite impressionable then, and that made change quite easy. Plus, I became very logical as opposed to emotional. It was easy, because at the time, due to loneliness and isolation, I began turning off my emotions, and logic was the only thing left, really, and once you come to believe in something like that to the exclusion of everything else, you pretty much have to mold yourself to suit it. I examined (and still do, but there aren’t much left) all of my emotional reactions to things, social customs and traditions, and my (and human in general) behavior, and that took care of most of my anger and fear, since it is illogical to feel negative emotions when you have the option to feel differently. And feeling differently turned out to be mainly a matter of perspective. It helped A LOT that I was (and am, still) living with my parents, and my father pretty much embodies everything I don’t want to be, emotionally, and is a constant source of reinforcement. Although, come to think of it, the need for logic was a result of my need to be smart and always right, which is backed by fear.

Then, my emotional withdrawal was pointed out to me, which shocked and scared me, and that emotional response was enough for it to always be at the front of my mind when interacting with other people, or even thinking about people or reading a book, watching a movie, etc, in which there were people, and I changed enormously from that.

Having realized I’d hoodwinked myself so much, which, again, scared me, made seeing and accepting the truth about myself and the world around me on the forefront of my mind as well, resulting in change.

The SDMB helped a lot as well, being exposed to the blunt truth from many angles, and my deep seated lifelong need to be right made it tremendously important to seek out many perspectives and sources of information to be sure my opinions and thoughts were informed enough to be “right”. Of course, in the process, I was made aware of how unimportant it is to be right all the time and how unimportant I am really in the world, resulting in humility.

Basically, to change, I’ve always had to be desperate to, and that emotion put it in the forefront of my mind and made following through on every tiny bit of constant tweaking of my thoughts a non-issue. So, really, fear. Or a huge change in belief systems, but that’s a whole lot more rare. I’ve tried to change in other ways, but regardless of how much I want to and how much it depresses me not to, in the absence of that desperation born of fear, I really haven’t been successful. And, unfortunately, you can’t really manufacture that. I can’t seem to, at least.

I’d love to know how to successfully change just by wanting to (rather than needing to), though.

7

In high school I was an arrogant jerk. I viewed everyone around me as a lesser being and I spoke to them as such. I had little to no regard for social convention and I was, essentially, a raging asshole. Despite being short, I preferred intimidation and verban haranguing to get my way with people. I was confident that because I was smarter I was better and that attitude came through.

I realized this is not the way to gain friends, that even if people weren’t as smart as I am, that they were still worth knowing. I made a concerted effort when I hit college to be a more social person, to take into consideration my appearance and attitude and to try and treat people with less condescension. It took a long time. I had to take small steps; learn when to hold my tongue, learn how to better frame the words and non-verbal cues I gave off, slowly try different social strategies until I learend to be a much more social person, generally considered to be charming adn pleasant to be around.

8

I learned not to give a damn about something that was not important. This has had a positive impact on my whole life. Who knew?

My father can be (or seem) very charming and caring. And then he can turn on you in an instant and accuse you of behavior that never entered your mind. I guess he has a rich though rather peculiar inner life.

Anyway, growing up and into my 20’s he had the power (I gave it to him, you see) to make me deeply unhappy about myself. He would casually drop a cutting remark, and if I showed any reaction, he would come over all innocent, with remarks like “well, it’s true, isn’t it?” or “what did I say?”. Although I didn’t quite realize he was the motivation, I went into therapy for a couple of years, and came out of it realizing that he is only a guy, a rather sad and pathetic guy at that. I’m still not sure why he tries so hard to hurt people when they are at their most vulnerable, but I no longer care.

The funny thing is, now that I don’t care what he says, he mostly doesn’t say those kinds of things to me any more. He can’t make me hate him, because I am fundamentally indifferent. I see him infrequently (we live far apart) and we email back and forth. But in fact I am almost the only relationship he has left. And he generally treats me ok because I think he knows that I would be just as happy to walk out his door and never see him again.

My sibling has not, sadly, learned this lesson yet. I grieve over the pain my father is still able to inflict in that direction.
Roddy

9

Rejecting the religion/faith I was born into and raised on. (fundamental christianity)

This was the singular most difficult and painfully long journey of self-discovery I’ve ever gone through. When you’re young and someone keeps drilling and drilling and drilling into you the tenants of their beliefs you have no reason to question them. They use fear, circular logic and feel-good bullshit to ensnare the desperate. No one ever approached me when I had the presence of mind to form an opinion of my own. It was thrust onto me as a very small child. So, I finally came to terms with it in my late 20s, but even then, it was a very tough thing to go ahead and admit to yourself that not only have you had very strong doubts since you could remember, but that you just didn’t believe in it anymore. It just wasn’t me. Never was. And I refuse to be a part of it anymore.

When everyone around you, that you know and love makes literally every decision in their life based on their faith, what some dolt preacher told them, or “hearing from God”, to the point of willful ignorance of the world around them and what’s in painful contradiction to reality, it can be quite frustrating, if not down-right damaging, to deal with. For decades I had to swallow my “dark” opinions. But finally I said to hell with it, I’m going to own up to my beliefs, and spread some healthy skepticism if I can, along the way. I don’t wish to begrudge anyone their faith, but I don’t intend to foist my beliefs onto anyone, as my parents/church did to me.

10

In my teens and 20’s I was the obnoxious guy at any get-together who was trying too hard to be funny, not nearly succeeding, and making everyone else roll their eyes. At the time, of course, I thought I was just hilarious and the life of the party. Not because I was getting overly drunk, although that did happen on occasion, but because I sort of thought of myself as the ‘party guy’. Even when it was just a small group of people, I had to be the center of attention. As time went on, I began to recognize the subtle, then not-so-subtle reactions of people- staring at me with a “will this kid ever shut up” sort of look, eye-rolling, etc.

Eventually I decided to make a concerted effort to restrain myself. I started trying to imagine what the scene looked like from a corner of the room, and to see how I was acting relative to everyone else. What I saw (imagined) embarrassed me. I continued to force myself to be less overt, less wild, more restrained, more attentive when having a conversation rather than being the zany guy going for a laugh. Soon I started noticing others acting obnoxious, which I never would have noticed before, and I was satisfied and relieved that it was no longer me that was eliciting those reactions from the group.

I decided I liked the more restrained me much better, and I wasn’t alienating myself. I still know how to have fun, but I keep it in line with the general mood of the scene.

11

When I was younger (let’s say from when I was 11 to about 15), I was extremely judgmental. Everyone has moments when a rude thought pops into their head, “God, what an idiot this guy is!” or irrational prejudices; but being judgmental was, for me, a major facet of my personality. For one thing, I was/am considered smart and a good student. Now, I don’t think I’m more intelligent than anyone else; my IQ was tested a few years ago around 108. It’s just that I pay attention in class, either because the subject is interesting to me (literature, math, etc.) or because I like making A’s. Also, I have a pretty good memory. However, when everyone around you pats you on the head and tells you what a freaking little genius you are and how you’re going to be a world-famous doctor some day, it can start to get to you. Also, I was (am?) very socially inept and not particularly talented in any other way, so the smart thing was all I had going. Because I got good grades, a lot of kids would come to me for help. These were the same kids who teased me and emptied my backpack onto the floor every other day. I’m ashamed to say that I felt superior to them in a way because they had to come to me; that I, in fact, lorded it over them.

“But wait, what’s 3^3 mean?” they might say.

“It means 3 x 3 x 3, which you might know if you’d been paying attention in class” said I.

Or if I got the highest test grade in the class, I might go around and compare my score with everyone else’s.

“I got a 94” one person might say proudly.

“Well, I got a 108” I’d say with an unmistakably smug air.

Oy, I’m surprised those kids didn’t beat the crap out of me.

In addition to being a little bastard to other kids, I was judgmental to people I felt morally superior to. The fact that I went to a Christian school and was beaten over the head daily with the “fact” that sinners were BAAAD and we Christians were GOOOD contributed significantly to this.

You’re sexually promiscuous? Ha, I’m better than you because I would never indulge in such base actions or thoughts. It should be said that my school’s definition of promiscuous is anyone who has sex outside of their monogamous, heterosexual marriage. When we asked whether or not people in a marriage were allowed to enjoy sex or whether it was just meant for procreation, they were a little on the fence about it. Seriously. You weren’t even allowed to enjoy sex with your wife. Look at another person with “lust in your heart”? You’re a sinner, you deserve eternal hellfire. End of story.

You get pregnant outside of wedlock? For shame! You get an abortion? Murderer! You curse or use the Lord’s name in vain? Vile blasphemer! You smoke pot responsibly every once in a while? You’re slapping God in the face! You’re defiant of authority figures? Why, that’s like pissing in God’s oatmeal! To the dogs with you!

You have tattoos or listen to gasp rock music or feel actual teenage emotions or are in any way not a clean-cut young Christian who sings praises to God for his bountiful mercy in not sending you to hell? You’re a sinner, you go to hell, do not pass go, do not collect 200 fucking dollars.

Now this is the part of the story I’m really ashamed of. In addition to all that I’ve said, we were taught that gay people were deserving of eternal torment. And I believed it. I honestly and truly believed with all I had that people in a mutually consenting, adult homosexual relationship were disgusting, vile, unnatural, terrible people and deserved to go to hell when they died (preferably of AIDS; that’ll learn 'em to feel!). Of course, God (in his great and endless mercy) does not judge the gays. They are his children too, even if they are horrible, twisted beast-men. So long as they do not act on these thoughts, they will be SAAAVED!!! from hellfire. Isn’t God just peachy keen, guys?

When I was about 16, I left Christian school and got away from the endless barrage of indoctrination that I had been privy to for so long. Know what happened then? I started to get a little glimmer of an inkling of a thought that perhaps getting a tattoo wasn’t such a bad thing. That maybe swearing is just a way to express your emotions in a particular situation, and that it isn’t “evil”. That maybe there’s a reason so many people have sex outside of marriage; that maybe, handled responsibly, lust isn’t such a terrible thing. And why is it that what gay people do in the privacy of their own homes is so awful?

Slowly, slowly, the judgmental, hateful thoughts began to chip away, and I began to look at all these things from a different perspective. From a human perspective. Once I did this, everything started clicking into place. I realized that for so long, I had been fed someone else’s idea of what is right, what is evil, what it is okay to feel, and what isn’t. I realized that it is no one’s right to tell someone else how to live their lives. That, in fact, I was the asshole here. Not the “sinners”. That everyone is human; everyone feels emotions and lust; everyone makes mistakes; everyone has the capacity to do stupid things. But that does not make me any better than anyone else.

Over time, I did a complete 180 in my thoughts. I became a liberal, atheist, live-and-let-live kind of person. If you aren’t hurting anyone, then it doesn’t matter to me what you do with your life. If you’re gay (or bi or pansexual or transsexual or polyamorous), then that’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you have a different preference with who you have sex with. Judging him for liking guys is just as ridiculous and pointless as judging me for liking guys. There’s nothing wrong with feeling things for other people, even if it is not “the norm”. You know what? Fuck the norm. Who died and made Christians the judge of humanity? You’re an atheist or a Buddhist or a Muslim or a Taoist? Awesome, I’m glad you found a religion/belief system that works for you. Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. You drink or smoke pot responsibly? Awesome, have fun. You curse like a sailor? Me too, let’s have a contest! You enjoy sex? Me too, let’s have a contest! You question what other people tell you to believe? You’re my kind of person.

Pretty much the only people I hate now are those that actually hurt themselves or others with greed or selfishness. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe humanity has the capacity to do terrible things. I just no longer hate humanity for being what it is. I also can’t stand people who judge others for being who they are. If you try to deny gay people adoption or marriage rights, I will not hesitate to mock or lambast you. I hate the person I used to be, and I love the person I am now. I have never been happier than I am right now. I realized that hating people is exhausting; that you have to constantly reinforce your convoluted beliefs in order to keep it up. Once I let go of the hate and embraced reality, I became a much better person.

At the same time, I also realized that lording my “superior knowledge” over other people was ridiculous, obnoxious, and actually hurtful. Why hurt someone else when you can help them learn? If someone asks me what a word means, I no longer think of them as stupid. I feel glad that they came to me because they trust me not to insult or judge them. I’m glad when the opportunity presents itself to teach something to someone else. God knows there are facets in my life in which I’m clueless, and I wouldn’t want others to think of me as an idiot. So why would I do that to someone else?

12

This is a bit more superficial than most of the posts in this thread, but here goes.

I was photocopying something for a boss on women’s health when I saw a sentence that really leapt out:

“Find out what your body knows, and then fool it.”

I figured that might apply to mind as well as body. I was overweight, really in debt, and disorganized. I used to love to write but I just never got round to it as an adult. I finally thought, “I’m an obsessive nerd and really competitive; why not go with that?” I started charting and graphing everything, turning it into a daily contest. Instead of becoming anorexic (admittedly a low risk in a mid-30s male), I dropped back to my high school weight (5’11", 228 --> 192), but more in shape. For the money, I’m now managing an empire of debt, but I am managing! For the organization, I’m getting things done: I have a draft of a novel out for comments after ½ hour of writing every morning. I’m now working on another and on corralling the caffeine addiction. Plus, I’ve increased my math and Excel skills. Mind you, all of this has taken about two years, but the ability to see things through is the major thing I changed.

13

I don’t think that’s superficial at all. I think it’s commendable.

14

Mine was simply finding a role model.

Wrestling during college was proving to be tough for a kid like me. I was getting beat everyday in practice and could only be considered like third or even fourth string. Hardly, a big part of the team. I still wanted to wrestle though because I enjoyed the sport that much.

So I found a teammate who was having success, and I decided, “He’s doing things right. I’ll do whatever he does.”

And I did. When he ran, I ran, when he lifted, I lifted, when he got up at 6 in the morning to practice, I got up at 6 in the morning to practice. The best part about it too was that he knew what I was doing and did everything he could to help me along.

After around a semester of being “trained” by him, I was a changed person. I think of it as one of the biggest turning points in my life, in discovering what I’m capable of and how strong and dedicated of an individual I can be. Eventually, my senior year, I got to start too.

15

I’ve worked extremely hard at becoming ambidextrous. I grew up almost cripplingly right-handed, I couldn’t even use a spoon or poor water with my left.

Mostly for sports reasons to be a more skilled player, I dedicated myself to working my left side obsessively. There are still differences between the sides, but now I use my left for most fine-motor-control activities, my right for brute force, and am otherwise pretty balanced.

For example, if someone does the old “Columbo spontaneously tossing an apple at the suspect” trick, I’ll use whatever hand is closest without thinking.

16

You guys are all basically describing the same process; it starts with becoming self-aware, being honest with yourself, and doing what you see needs to be done. Simplest thing in the world (note I said “simple,” not “easy”).

17

What’s funny is I originally read your name is Tippler.

18

For most of my life I was an extremely angry person. I got angry about the big things, such as politics. I also got a lot angrier about the little things including movies, TV shows, books and music. I also spent a lot of time stewing about things that my family members had said a long time ago, things which they had doubtlessly long forgotten. And I spent a lot of time being angry about online confrontations, even stupid troll posts. All of this was a result of smugness and superiority on my part. I wasa great deal smarter than everyone else. I had the test scores and the degrees to prove it. Consequently there was no way that any reasonable person could disagree with me, and yet people kept doing exactly that.

Then three things happened that changed all of that. First, I met some people who were a great deal smarter than me. Second, I learned many things that had been left out of my formal education. Third, I was saved by Jesus Christ.

Now, as a result of these I’m no longer angry. I now understand that I am not in any position to boss the rest of the human race around and demand that they obey me. Nor do I have any right to look down my nose at other people disdainfully. Nor do I have an obsessive need to get the approval of everybody else. I’ve learned that other people can disagree with me and it’s okay.

Lastly, since Stoid asked for practical advise that helps in making changes, mine would be: (1) Pray often, because it works. (2) Keep a vigilant eye on your own mental processes. When you start thinking the wrong thoughts, terminate them by force and replace them with the right thoughts. (3) Read lots of books.

19

There’s been nothing more profoundly liberating than learning how to forgive people who have wronged you. I’d harbored a resentment against someone who deserved it for years, but at the end of the day I was only harming myself. It takes a lot of energy and negativity to remain angry and hurt. Just learning to forgive can make a world of difference in your mental health and overall disposition.

20

Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.