Seriously, I think this is my biggest character flaw.
It drives me crazy sometimes. Especially considering the fact that I’m 37. This seems more like an adolesent problem to me. I’d really like to change this about myself. I’m wondering if anyone else suffers from this problem and how the hell did you get over it?
[Howard Roark] But I don’t think of you. [/Howard Roark]
Sorry, I have no practical advice for you, as I gave up caring what most people thought of me so long ago that I’ve forgotten how to give up on it.
I don’t know but if you figure out how to solve the problem, please share with the rest of us. Mr.stretch is 47 and is still overly concerned about what other people think of him.
On the other hand, I don’t give a shit what others think of me and this seems to be bothersome to everyone else. As long as I’m not hurting anybody, why should I care what you think of any aspect of me or my life?
I hear ya, SHAKES. I used to spend nights lying awake wondering of that person I passed in the hall thought I was an asshole because I hadn’t realized they had said hi to me and I didn’t respond. Now I just tell myself, fuck it. I’ll never meet that person again.
If you find yourself at 37 still basing your self-worth on what other people may or may not think of you, then it’s time to get active and do something about it. CBT worked for me and I would highly recommend it.
Cbt?
One technique that I’ve used with some success (disclosure: I learned this technique from my therapist) is to ask myself what I’m really anxious about; for example, maybe it’s “I’m worried that my peers think I make too many jokes” or “I am worried that others do not find me attractive” or whatever. Then I think, okay, what’s the evidence for thinking this. (When particularly bothered, I will go ahead and actually write this down on paper.) Then I ask myself, what’s the evidence against? Typically there is a shitload of evidence against and very vague shreds of evidence for, so that’s helpful right there.
Listing the good qualities that you know yourself to have can be helpful as well.
I found that after doing the above fairly regularly for a while, I stopped having to consciously think about it, and am generally much less concerned with what others think about me now. Don’t know if it will work for you, of course, but it was pretty helpful for me.
Whoops, sorry! Cognitive behaviour therapy.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy; the source of the exercise I just mentioned in my previous post.
Why wouldn’t you care about what others think? Do you care about being respected by your professional peers? Do you want to be liked by your friends and family? I mean you shouldn’t be worried whether the 21 year old interns think you’re “cool”, but most of us generally prefer people view us in a positive way.
I think more people should pay more attention to what others think about them. Maybe there would be fewer self-absorbed assholes.
Mm, yes, but there’s a significant difference between generally wanting to be liked and respected, and staying up nights in a stew of anxiety because you’re concerned that when you told your brother you couldn’t make it to his Super Bowl party, he secretly hated you for it and now thinks you’re a jerk. Or whatever. I got the impression from SHAKES’ OP that his problem is more of the latter than the former.
I most definitely do not suffer from this problem. However, I can understand how others do in the real world. Everyone wants to be liked and I personally choose to think there is something wrong with the people that do not like me rather than the other way around.
What I simply do not get is people on the internet that care about what strangers think of them and allow their feelings to be hurt. It is easier to be a big badass alone in your room with a computer and why everyone doesn’t get that, is beyond me.
Seriously. As far as I can tell, most people are neither for us, nor against us. Most people are, at best, dimly aware of our exisitence.
As mentioned, most of us wish other peoples’ impressions of us to be generally favorable, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Like it or not, what other people think of us *does * matter. But once you’ve done your part by being a reasonably pleasant and respectful individual, let it go. No one but you is sitting around obsessing about your qualities and/or behavior.
I was just commenting to a friend the other day that I have this odd combination of holding a grudge and wanting people to like me. So, if you act as if you don’t like me, I will remember it forever but still try to get you to like me.
And I’m 40.
SHAKES,
I like the suggestion you had re cbt. A lot of people suffer because of the mistaken impression that people notice every little detail about other people. They don’t.
Some people never outgrow it, so I’d say that if it’s bothering you, do something about it.
I would assume that what SHAKES is talking about goes beyond ordinary concerns with friends, family, and co-workers, and has become at least a minor neurosis. It might involve issues such as:
Obsessively proofreading emails ten times because you’re afraid of including a typo or something that might appear offensive.
Fretting about messages that you leave on answering, for similar reasons.
Repeating conversations over and over again in your head.
Delaying conversations or meeting with certain people.
Always seeking to avoid confrontation.
In extreme cases, avoiding certain social situations because of social anxiety.
If that’s the case, I have two suggestions. Firstly, in some cases an exercise of willpower can help. For instance, to tackle the first problem above, you might tape a note to your computer saying, “Proofread each email only once.” Then force yourself to do it. It can also help to keep track of successes, i. e. 158 emails sent and none of them contianed serious mistakes.
The second suggestion, which probably won’t get too much support on the SDMB, is religion. Become involved with a church if you aren’t already, and speak with minister and/or other support people about your issues. It can really help straighten out your priorities.
Yeah, I like this idea.
Mostly my problem revolves around work. Part of my job requires that I speak at a lot of meetings/presentations. I fancy myself with quite the sense of humor which shows though in my meetings. Thusly, people will laugh and I’ll feel quite good about myself at the time but then later on at the end of the day when I’m laying in bed, I start to wonder: “Was that appropiate? Where they laughing at me not with me? Do these people take me seriously?” ect…
Basically I feel like people are constantly judging me and it drives me nuts.
I think I’ll give this CBT a try.
I agree 100% that CBT is the way to go. Actually, any insight-oriented therapy is a good start.
[Reefer Madness Mode]
Either that, or lay off the ganja!
[/Reefer Madness Mode]
[Proverb paraphrase]
When I was young, I worried about what others thought about me.
When I was middle-aged, I decided I didn’t care what others thought.
Now that I am old, I realize how little they thought about me in the first place…"
[/Proverb paraphrase]
Yes Shakes, I heard you speak at the last meeting. Kinda full of yourself aren’t you with all those little quips. Think you’re a clever boy but you’re just a desperate poser. They’re laughing at you, not with you. And what the hell was it with those shoes? You think those are appropriate? They’re not! You know what you look like to me, with your pressed shirt and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you’re not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you?
[Sub]I kid… I kid because I love.[/sub]