Why am I so obsessed with what others think of me?

[greatshakes]

[QUOTE=astro]
Yes Shakes, I heard you speak at the last meeting. Kinda full of yourself aren’t you with all those little quips. Think you’re a clever boy but you’re just a desperate poser. They’re laughing at you, not with you. And what the hell was it with those shoes? You think those are appropriate? They’re not! You know what you look like to me, with your pressed shirt and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you’re not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you?

[Sub]I kid… I kid because I love.[/sub]
[/QUOTE]

Astro was just kidding you, of course. He said so. I most certainly didn’t think you a poser for your quips. I didn’t hear your quips, or see your cheap shoes. Your tie was so loud that I couldn’t pay attention to anything else.

[Autolycus]

I think you should realize that you don’t have to be funny to be a good person. Realize that you, deep-down fundamental you, is good, and nothing anyone can say or do will change that. I say this because I suffered from a low self-esteem, which I always tried to counter by being funny so people would like me and validate me. I still have the aftereffects of this today, as in when I’m feeling lonely I can be obnoxious with jokes and things.

I also second ctb and talking with a minister (though run away fast if he starts throwing Bible quotes at you.)

[WordMan]

[QUOTE=SHAKES]
Yeah, I like this idea.

Mostly my problem revolves around work. Part of my job requires that I speak at a lot of meetings/presentations. I fancy myself with quite the sense of humor which shows though in my meetings. Thusly, people will laugh and I’ll feel quite good about myself at the time but then later on at the end of the day when I’m laying in bed, I start to wonder: “Was that appropiate? Where they laughing at me not with me? Do these people take me seriously?” ect..

Basically I feel like people are constantly judging me and it drives me nuts.

I think I’ll give this CBT a try.
[/QUOTE]

The first thing that comes to mind based on this additional context is: how pleased are you with the results you achieve? In other words:

• Are you asked to speak a lot, and is that in part based on how your previous times have gone? In other words, are you in demand?
• Are the “right” people asking you to speak and/or complimenting you? By “right” in this case, I guess it would mean the folks in parts of your company who you think you should be speaking to or people you respect who are in positions of power?
• Do you think the feedback you get as you are speaking is appropriate for the type of presentation you are providing? If your presentations are intended to motivate employees to do something or behave a certain way, do you see the results you want over time?
• Have you asked people you respect who are in positions of power or influence at the company for feedback on your presentations?

I often worry about how I am perceived, and I can usually figure out ways to bend my observations to support me or condemn me based on my mood at the time I am reflecting about this stuff. But results are results; I tend to think they provide me with a more solid base to judge how I am being perceived.

My $.02

[Heffalump_and_Roo]

[QUOTE=SHAKES]
Mostly my problem revolves around work. Part of my job requires that I speak at a lot of meetings/presentations. I fancy myself with quite the sense of humor which shows though in my meetings. Thusly, people will laugh and I’ll feel quite good about myself at the time but then later on at the end of the day when I’m laying in bed, I start to wonder: “Was that appropiate? Where they laughing at me not with me? Do these people take me seriously?” ect..
[/quote]

This sounds more like a confidence issue. And confidence comes from doing things enough times and getting enough feedback that you feel good about it.

@SHAKES

Basically I feel like people are constantly judging me and it drives me nuts.

While I agree with the people in this thread that playing thoughts over in your head constantly is probably not the best use of your time, I also agree with msmith537 that some amount of assessing your work is good and helps you to do a better job next time.

The other reason I say this is because when we focus on something, it expands. If you focus about how unhappy you are about how you focus on what others think, you’ll keep doing it. Sometimes it helps to accept the part that’s good so you can let go of the rest. Yes, it’s pretty paradoxical.

[WhyNot]

This insight was NOT the result of therapy, has not been validated elsewhere (though I’m sure it’s not original), is void where prohibited and may be total bullocks:

I pretty strongly internalized the idea growing up that I am no more important than anyone else. To be a “good girl” and to be liked, I had to be mindful of others and extend them any courtesy I’d like to be extended. The Golden Rule: I knew to Do Unto Others because I knew that they mattered every bit as much as I did.

What I forgot to internalize was this: I am no LESS important than everyone else, either. They are no more important than me.

Flip side of the coin. If I’m not more important than them, neither are they more important than I. They should be treated as I’d like to be treated, but not better than I expect to be treated, either.

I think the first part is the mindset of an enabler, of a person who regularly made myself a victim - of abuse, but also of the most insidious abuser: myself. I set my self-worth at lower than market value because I was so busy honoring other people’s self worth as, well, *worth *more than mine.

Once I broke through to realizing that “all are equal” included ME, I was well on my way to not caring (so much) what others think. My right to be funny, or goofy, or wear socks with sandals, is not less that your right to think that’s odd or silly. Therefore, I’ll wear socks with sandals if I like, and you can think that’s silly if you’d like, and no one’s “won” or “lost” anything here.

I have no clue if this makes sense or not. It works in my brain, but it may be completely irrelevant for you. That’s ok, my desire to post it is no less worthy than your right to ignore it.

[tdn]

I’m wondering whether you just worry after the fact or during. If it’s during, that’s probably coming across as validation-seeking or sketchy. They’ll give you subtle body language clues that that is how you’re coming off, and you go into a positive feedback loop. (Of the negative kind.) If you go in with the assumption that they’re going to love you, then you’ll get into a positive feedback loop of the positive kind. And remember that you can’t control what other people think, but you can control what you think. So get into the habit of thinking the best of yourself. It’ll take practice, but it can be done.

[tdn]

[QUOTE=WhyNot]
This insight was NOT the result of therapy, has not been validated elsewhere (though I’m sure it’s not original), is void where prohibited and may be total bullocks:
[/QUOTE]

Actually, it has not only been validated, tested, approved, and standardized, but you may be in serious copyright violation, missy.

It’s dead on.

[Heffalump_and_Roo]

[QUOTE=WhyNot]
My right to be funny, or goofy, or wear socks with sandals, is not less that your right to think that’s odd or silly.
[/QUOTE]

Whoa. . . wait! You had me right up until there. Sock with sandals?!! That’s just wrong.

Just kidding, of course. WhyNot nails it as usual.
ETA: I just thought of something else after writing this post. One of the things that makes me feel more self-conscious is when I’m critical of others. When I think poorly of others, I think they’re thinking poorly of me. . . because wouldn’t they be thinking the same thing I’m thinking? So I try to work on thinking well of others and that seems to have a better effect on how I see myself as well.

[Spice_Weasel]

I can relate to you, SHAKES. This has been an issue I’ve worked on a lot over the last year or so. Believe it or not, The Straight Dope was the impetus that made me seriously re-examine how caught up I was in fear that others were judging me. I had serious social anxiety problems–meaning there were days I was afraid to look strangers in the eye in fear they might be thinking, What right does she have to look at ME? She’s too disgusting to even deserve to exist. Then there was a lot of performance anxiety in relationship to my job – I’d be lying to say I don’t still worry sometimes that I’m going to get a bad review and it will suddenly be revealed what an awful employee I really am.

But really, the Straight Dope, which you might notice can be quite a judgmental place at times, has helped me get over myself. I got really tired of berating myself every time I perceived myself to have posted a foolish thing. People I’ve never met before, in my life, who have absolutely nothing to do with my personal happiness, should not have so much control over my sense of self-esteem. It made me realize something was wrong with my attitude.

The first step is realizing that nobody really cares. For example, I used to be terrified of public speaking, afraid I would bomb and do terribly. After a while I sat down and started thinking: of all the oral presentations I’ve seen, do any stand out in my mind as particularly bad? No. The next day, nobody remembers or cares, including myself. You are infinitely more interested in those little things you said and did than anyone else on the planet. You will remember them, everyone else will forget them. There is no point in torturing yourself over those little blunders because, and truly: nobody cares.

If you don’t believe me, stop and think about the last time you’ve spent hours obsessing over something someone else said at a board meeting. Ever lie awake in bed thinking, ''Gosh, Fellow Coworker could have chosen a better tie to go with that suit today. What a classless loser"? I’m guessing not. So it’s better to let go of the expectation that others are doing the same thing to you.

So I’m at the point where my instinct might be to panic if I say or do something I’m not sure about, but then rationally I can step back, say, ‘‘Wait a minute. Let’s imagine Stranger X or Doper B hates me with all the passion of his or her being, and thinks I’m a total jackass/ugly stupid slut/liar/whatever… what relevance does this have to my life? Does it affect my marriage? No. Do I lose credibility with my friends and family? No. Does it impact me financially? No…’’ So you see, sometimes you really have to put the irrational cognitions to the test, but in the end, you’ll see… it really doesn’t matter what other people think.

I always look people in the eye now. I read a study that people who make eye contact are immediately viewed as more attractive than those who don’t. I figure it can’t hurt. I’ve also decided to stop inventing scenarios of rejection and failure and let my work speak for itself. Maybe I suck, maybe I don’t. It’s not up to me to decide. If someone has a problem with my performance/personality, they ought to tell me about it, so I can judge whether it’s a reasonable assertion that stands up to my own honest investigation of myself and my abilities. Until that moment comes, I’m not losing any sleep.

[tdn]

It’s very interesting that this just showed up in my inbox:

90% of the things that you worry about NEVER happen. And 90% of the
things that happen to you never give you the chance to worry about
them.

And re-read Dan Kennedy’s statement once more:

“A lot of people waste a lot of time and energy worrying about what
others think of them - which is actually the combo of ego amok and
low self-esteem.”

Very very true. Amazingly we can be both egotistical AND insecure
at the exact same time.

[Jodi]

One tool that works for me is a construct I call the worry box. This is a box I created in my mind, and I could describe it to you down to the smallest detail. When I am obsessing over something or worrying over something, I mentally summon the worry box, open it, and mentally place the problem in it. Then I close and lock it and “disappear” it (the box). But the rule for the box is that while you can always put things in it, there is nothing to prevent you from taking them back out, either. So commonly I find myself 5 minutes later obsessing over the same thing. That means I took it back out of the box. So I stop my thought process, and go back through the conscious steps of summoning the worry box, putting the worry or fear in it, and sending it away again. Sometimes I have to put the worry in the box a dozen times, but it’s not like there’s a limit on how many times you have to do it. If you have enough imagination to make your own box, that might help a little.

[sockswsandals]

[QUOTE=WhyNot]
Once I broke through to realizing that “all are equal” included ME, I was well on my way to not caring (so much) what others think. My right to be funny, or goofy, or wear socks with sandals, is not less that your right to think that’s odd or silly. Therefore, I’ll wear socks with sandals if I like, and you can think that’s silly if you’d like, and no one’s “won” or “lost” anything here.
[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I just gotta chime in to say a quick hell yeah! Why this particular fashion quirk irritates others so I will never understand I fear.

But to stay on track with the OP I certainly sympathize. I know I felt the same way for most of my formative years, and still have similar feelings occaisionally. I’d pretty much say it is the norm for most people. Good advice so far from everyone here. As long as this isn’t debilitating I’d venture to guess you will probably learn to shrug it off. Doing otherwise is too much hassle I’ve come to understand and accept.

[tdn]

[QUOTE=sockswsandals]
As long as this isn’t debilitating I’d venture to guess you will probably learn to shrug it off.
[/QUOTE]

The trick is learning to shrug it off. I like Jodi’s method, it’s cute yet practical. But before that comes self-awareness. You have to be aware of when those thoughts start and then do something with them right away. Most likely at this point the worry is sneaking in under the radar.

[NinetyWt]

I was just re-reading this thread, to glean some advice for a family member who is caught up in this same problem, when I got an email from my cousin. Some of what she said bears repeating:

What we’re talking about – the “re-programming” of your brain to change the interaction, it’s called cognitive restructuring. Presently, you are giving yourself so many negative messages that some days you sound like you are drowning in them.

The only only only thing we can control in this world is our own behavior. We can never change another person’s behavior, we can only hope that by our own behavior we might influence someone else for the better.

And, alas, the only only only person we can count on to be kind and loving and wonderful to us is simply ourself. We can’t count on getting that from any other living human being. A dog is more reliable than a human. We can’t even really justify expecting that from another living human being.

Is it the responsibility of your co-workers to make you feel good? No. Is it the responsibility of your boss to make you feel respected? Alas, no, (though it ought to be). Can you expect that people will acknowledge your humanity? Alas, no. You can’t expect it. Or, you can expect it and go home feeling beaten every day.

We can’t bear hearing how beaten down you are every day because we cherish you just as you are. And the only thing we can do is tell you that you are beating on yourself and you must stop. It’s not at all easy, but you’ve got to learn to be your own best friend, your own best mirror, your own best admirer, and you’ve got to forgive yourself, over and over, every day, forgive yourself for all your failures and all your faults and all the things that are driving you nuts.

You’ve got to learn to turn around the statement “they act like they are better or they act like I am a nuisance” and restructure that statement in your mind. You can change it to all sorts of things, things like, they must be distracted today, or, I am fine without them acknowledging me. Or, I know my own worth and I don’t require their approval. Or, boy, they must be having a bad day, perhaps I should feel sorry for them.

I was just fired because, as near as I can tell, they didn’t like me. They actually said, “we don’t seem to be living up to your expectations.” And, by golly, they sure were not. But in my case my expectations had to do with taking a lot of money to build a kitchen for a program that was run like shit. And I was making them uncomfortable with my zeal to reform the program. That wasn’t my job, the reforming part, and they can fire me for anything whatsoever, no warning, no bad job review (no job review, period). I loved my job, I loved the people, or many of the people, I worked with. And I loved the mission. But I can’t make them like me, and I can’t insist that they be held accountable.

I can look on this as a failure, and unfortunately, just the latest in a long string of failures. Or I can look at it as, I put my heart and soul into that lousy shitty-paying job and they benefitted enormously from what I did for them. And know that I am the only person in the world who is ever going to say that to me. If I want to not feel a complete failure I’ve got to say it to myself. And by golly I am. Did I shoot myself in the foot? Undoubtedly. But I worked hard and I wanted to work hard and now that’s over and bye-bye.

BTW thanks for the good advice in this thread.

[Cat_Whisperer]

Great advice in the thread so far. I agree with everyone saying that caring too much what others think of you is a sign of low self-confidence - when you’re magnificently self-confident, you truly don’t care what other people think of you. (Note that self-confidence is not arrogance - just believing in yourself, and your right to be on this planet.) CBT is a great idea; self-confidence is a learned skill, like learning to dance - some people are born with it, sure, but the rest of us have to find a way to develop it.

Some concrete things you can do to fight this fear of yours; I think people who sing while driving look funny, so I make a point of singing while driving to prove to myself that other people don’t notice, don’t care, and if they do, it doesn’t affect me anyway. Find something that you’re not too comfortable with, and just do it, regardless of how you think you look.

Like Olives was saying, I’ve been using this board for years to build my self-confidence and my confrontation skills (another set of skills that you can learn). We definitely take what we do in cyberspace back into meatspace - this is an excellent playground for practicing things you want to develop.

The power of positive thinking has gotten a bad reputation as being new agey, airy-fairy crap, but if you want a healthy mind, you need to feed it good food. Negative thinking is bad food, producing bad thinking habits. Don’t be afraid to be nice to yourself; tell yourself that you love you, that you believe in yourself, whatever positive message you can think of. I truly think that you will be astonished at how good it feels to be nice to yourself.