Talk to me about anxiety, uptight-ness, and worrying

In My Humble Opinion
1

So…can anyone share stories of how they’ve gotten over (or maybe learned to manage) worrying, overthinking stuff, and the like?

I ask because I’ve had a history of this. As in, even growing up, I’ve always been the “quiet, reserved one,” in groups. I’ve always been the kid that “oh, no, that’s too dangerous,” or “wow, that’s stupid,” or “Holy crap, they’re gonna get in trouble for that! Better get out of here!”

^ Those are more examples of me being your classic worry-wort as a kid, but even into adulthood this affects me in other ways. I get obsessive about stuff, over-analyzing the stupidest, tiniest details: “They didn’t reply to my text, they must not give a damn.” or obsessing over class schedules in college: “Must. Plan. Out. The. Next. Six. Semesters. Down. To. What. Times. The. Courses. Will. Be.”

Even back in high school, I had an awesome, quite blunt teacher, who said to me one day, “You worry too much.” Over and over I see it again, yet many times I don’t realize it til’ those I’m closest to point it out to me.

I have a number of acquaintances, but a fairly small circle of people I trust deeply. I know these behaviors grind on them.

I’m happiest just with a small group of people, and generally fine even alone, but those times alone frequently give rise to the anxiety about stupid crap. At other times I’m immensely happy with who I am, like “Hell yes, I’m excited to write this code and kick butt on this project.” Go figure.

I’m currently attending short-term therapy for dealing with some issues that have grown out of experiences as a child, and I know my therapist could probably help, but I feel like this is yet another can of worms to examine, and I was curious if anyone had any tips.

Thanks in advance for any help :slight_smile:

(and for anyone wondering, yes, I’m female) :stuck_out_tongue:

2

I definitely think you should talk to the therapist about it. It is possible that you are suffering from what is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/
Even if you don’t want to spend your therapy sessions focusing on the anxiety, I’d at least mention to the therapist that you feel anxiety and worry is a problem in your life. Since that’s something therapists see all the time, they will probably have some advice on relaxation techniques and such.

It might also be worth talking to your family doctor or a psychiatrist about it since there are medications that can help. SSRIs (commonly used as antidepressants) can be helpful with preventing anxiety.

Some people find that exercise also helps with anxiety levels, so you could try getting more active.

3

Not me, but my flatmate recently got up the nerve to tell me about his anxiety (actually, his therapist told him to tell a friend). He hadn’t been wanting to take SSRIs he had been prescribed (I think he has body image issues and an eating disorder too, and I’m sure it was because he didn’t want to gain weight) but I convinced him to give it a shot, and he is finding it very helpful. We also decided that if there was anything in particular he was worrying over or having negative thoughts about, he would try to tell me so we could talk it through. This might not work for everyone, but so far he has found it helpful to add some perspective whenever he overthinks things or worries too much. He’s not there yet of course, so we’ll just have to see how it goes :slight_smile:

I would definitely mention it to your therapist, after all, all things tie in together and I’m sure they’d be better treating all of you. Hope you find a way to start feeling better! Good luck!

4

Mantras. I highly recommend them. I think they work because they play into the compulsive factor over worriers naturally seem to manifest.

Short, positive, sing songy, rhymey, famous quotations, whatever appeals. Be sure to pick a few.The first week is kind of hard, but I promise it will get easier. Whenever you catch yourself focused, on that which you should let be, you inwardly repeat your mantra. And you keep repeating it, until your mind strays to any other topic. But, should you begin to worry on that, it’s back to the mantra again.

Identifying when you’re doing it, is obviously the key, but it sounds like you already have that self awareness. It’s sounds simpler than it is, but gets a whole lot easier, after a week, 10 days. And it does work. You won’t notice, at first, but after a couple of weeks, you’ll feel life is getting better and you’re controlling the fretting, instead of it controlling you.

I wish you nothing but good luck, as one over thinker, to another!

5

I deal with anxiety (and depression), but it’s not generalized. It tends to be very specific. My brain will glom onto the possibility of something bad happening, then build up elaborate “horror fantasies” of the worst-case scenario. I also have a tendency to think compulsively about past situations where I did or said something wrong, what I should have said or done instead, and resolving to never say or do anything that stupid again (I even dwell on the minor stuff that happens to everybody). Some examples: 1) For the last several months, every time I hit a pothole or hard bump, I start to worry about my axle breaking in half, my car blocking traffic, being late to work and getting fired, and somehow coming up with money I don’t have to pay for the repairs (would I have to sell the car? would it get re-poed?). 2) When I found out my sister’s girlfriend cheated on her, I spent hours worrying about my sister killing herself and me attending her funeral, trying to live my life without her. 3) When a car behind me gets too close or does a hard-brake at a stoplight, I imagine getting hit and going to the hospital and dealing with the insurance company bullshit. 4) When I hear about workforce reductions at work, I worry about losing my job and ending up sleeping on my mom’s couch and getting actively suicidal again. 5) When I think about getting drunk and doing stupid shit in college, or making a small verbal flub on the phone at work, I get embarrassed for myself all over again (actual blushing occurs). 6) I think about what will happen to me and my sister when my mom dies–which might not actually happen for another 20 or 30 years, she’s only 50. But I imagine funeral planning, taking time off work, dealing with stuff that I have no idea how to deal with (getting a lawyer, cleaning up and selling her house, doing something with her possessions) and it makes me *legitimately upset *for hours.

As far as dealing with it, I keep all of this to myself. I don’t burden other people with my worries, because I realize they’re irrational. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about them. The one time I tried an anti-depressant (Citalopram), I experienced sudden-onset anorgasmia that was worse than the anxiety. So, I haven’t tried any other meds since then. The most effective coping methods I’ve found are reading, knitting, and online distraction. I wouldn’t say I’m dealing with the problem, but I do at least recognize that it IS a problem. Maybe I’ll try medication again someday. Pot also helped turn down the volume a lot, although I don’t have access to it anymore.

For another anecdote, my mom has generalized anxiety (about everything, really) and can’t keep it to herself. So to cope with it, I see her as little as I can get away with (every couple months and on holidays), and bring my knitting along so I have something to focus on. I’m trying to learn to tune her out, but it’s not easy. She tends to respond well to nods/affirmative grunts and the occasional hug, but I’m much more of a problem-solver than an empathizer. It’s hard not to give her unsolicited advice (that she never responds well to), but I’m working on it.

I don’t think she’s coping with it terribly well, although she’s been on plenty of meds. Or maybe she is, and the current incarnation is much better than she would be otherwise… I dunno. It’s rough for her and rough for everyone around her, even with the medication.

6

(sorry, missed the edit window) I think CBT would be best for anxiety, it’s supposed to shut off bad thoughts before they get worse.

7

Of course your are. Writing code is unambiguous. It either works or it doesn’t. It provides you instant positive feedback.

General anxiety IMHO is more about fear of ambiguity and the unknown vs any real thing. It comes from living a relatively shetered life where high expectations were put on you from an early age. You can’t ever relax because you have this constant nagging voice in your head (presumably sounding like your mother) that you aren’t working hard enough or achieving enough or fitting in to what’s expected of you.

Like what did you imagine would happen if you “got in trouble” as a kid? You would get a mark on your “permenant record” and not get into MIT? Or if you fail a class, you’ll end up working as a school janitor or garbageman or at Walmart (or wherever kids these days say losers work).

The problem is that people today are brought up believing they are never allowed to fail at anything or make any kind of mistakes otherwise they’ll “ruin their lives”. If you never make mistakes or fail at anything, you never learn from those mistakes and you don’t build the confidence you need to let slide stuff that doesn’t really matter.

8

This is absolutely something to speak with your therapist about. Your OP describes my experiences almost exactly, and therapy has been incredibly helpful to me in addressing these issues.

As I’ve mentioned many times here, the most helpful thing for me has been the book Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. The book provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques for dealing with anxiety, particularly the obsessive, worrywart thoughts that you describe. It’s not about “think positive” or “put on a happy face,” it’s about learning specific techniques for addressing anxiety. I use them on a regular basis and they have made an enormous difference in my life.

Another very well-respected approach to CBT can be found in David Burns’ book Feeling Good. I did not find his techniques as helpful, but I know that they have worked for many people. It’s worth trying more than one approach if you are not getting the results you want,

These books are designed so that you can read and use them on your own, but you can also work with your therapist to figure out what techniques work for you and obtain guidance on how to use them.

Good luck. I know that anxiety is no fun.

9

I just want to clarify that Generalized Anxiety Disorder doesn’t mean that you don’t have specific anxieties, just that you don’t have a specific type of anxiety disorder, such as PTSD or OCD. Per the NIH, GAD is characterized by by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems, relationship problems or work difficulties.

10

When I was dealing with this in therapy, my therapist told me that when something specific was nagging away at me, I should write it on a piece of paper and put it into a paper bag that I was to carry with me everywhere. At the end of the day I was to take out all the pieces of paper and throw them away. I told her how stupid that was, and then I did it for a week and found out it wasn’t so stupid. Actually, it really helped.

11

I experience anxiety - and depression - but in different situations. Mine is mostly social, but also always mildly there, even when I’m alone. I’ve found that the best way to deal with it is to find the reasons why (which I did through therapy), and come to terms with those issues. While I still experience it, and it’s still affecting my life every day, I have a better grasp on it. I don’t let it keep me from talking to strangers anymore.
Yoga has helped a lot, along with deep breathing exercises when I’m out. I’ve been taking 5-htp daily and that has helped my depression more than any of the prescription anti-depressant medications I’ve been prescribed. I started with 100mgs/day for two weeks, then moved up to 200. I’m now on 300, which may be more than the recommended dosage, but I rarely have non-situational depression anymore. Since I’m happier, my anxiety has also subsided some.

The best thing for you is to talk it over with your therapist. Find techniques that work for you and use them. You can deal with depression and anxiety without medications, but if you wish to supplement your therapy, I’d suggest trying 5-htp and kava kava first before moving to pharmaceuticals. Kava kava is better for anxiety. I purchase both at my local health store, but kava can be harder to find. You can purchase 5-htp at most pharmacies.

Good luck, hopefully you’ll begin to get this under control through therapy. It’s an ugly thing, and it can seriously impact your life in a negative way.

12

I think you have a good point here. I used to be more of a worrier than I am nowadays, though I don’t think I was ever as bad as some of the people posting here, nor am I completely “over it” today. And I think that the situations in which I have the most anxiety are those in which I am in “unfamiliar territory” and I don’t know what to expect or what the “rules” are.

As I’ve gotten more life experience under my belt, there’s less unfamiliar territory and more I know how to handle. I’ve expanded my comfort zone. I’ve learned more about the world and how to get along in it. I’ve learned from experience that most of the things I worry about either don’t happen, or when they do, they’re not really all that bad and they’re something I can deal with.

13

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

mssmith537–yup, I was one of those kids always pushed to achieve, or at least I felt that way. “Teacher’s pet,” through and through. I think that sense has lessened slightly (got two C’s in the first semester of college, and got over it fairly quickly), but there is still, I’m sure, part of that little girl hidden inside me. My therapist and I keep discovering scared little me in ways. I feel as though I’ve made a lot of progress the last couple months though, thankfully.

Amen to this. I find that when I begin a new job–well, I can fake confidence a little, but I’m very likely to be terrified until it becomes “familiar territory,” and I know those rules. I frequently list that as one of my “weaknesses” in job interviews, actually. I’ve gotten a lot better with my customer service skills as I’ve gone from job to job, and now the interaction with random people isn’t quite as scary. I often try to project that “customer service mask” into my interactions with other scenarios.

elbows–The mantra idea sounds like a good one; reminds me of something that high school teacher who said “You worry too much,” told me: Take up meditation, or something similar.

SpoilerVirgin and rachelellogram–awesome. Thank you for the suggestion of CBT! I will be tracking those books down asap.

I always feel better after a run, stretching, or anything like that, and I’ve come to discover I really need to keep up with that sort of regimen.

And to everyone who suggested bringing it up with my therapist–will do. It’s also something my (thankfully extremely supportive) boyfriend suggested. My therapist and I still have lots of ground to cover, but I’ve got a feeling the issues we’re trying to tackle are at least indirectly related to this anxiety, if not directly.

14

I’ve had free-floating anxiety (and depression) my whole life. Oddly enough, I tend to engage in risky behaviors. My anxiety is there whether I’m living dangerously or playing it safe. My depression is worse when I’m bored, though, so I choose excitement.

As I’ve gotten older, my anxiety has either eased up or I’m just handling it better. I went through several years of panic attacks, which was horrible. They came without warning; no rhyme or reason to them. I tried benzodiazepines, and they helped for a while, but in the long run they made it worse. I gave them up and finally the attacks just went away.

I’m still neurotic as hell, but I’m okay with it. Doesn’t embarass me anymore. I do recommend CBT. It helps with a lot of things.

15

I am in the process of getting E.C.T. for my depression but I have a great deal of anxiety. I would suggest you look into mindfulness. Mantras are a form of mindfulness.

16

I have bipolar and (I’m fairly certain) some undiagnosed anxiety issues. For the longest time I worried constantly about the future. Finding a job, paying for a car, getting my own apartment, what people thought about me, making friends… All of those things and more. And one thing I found was that when the event that I was dreading actually happened I had no problems. It was the anticipation that was worrying me. Now I’ve got a car, I’ve got really good friends, and in a few months one of my friends and I are getting an apartment together. I’ve come so far over these past few years.

I, for one, journal when I have a problem. I used to never do it but I really like it now. Sometimes I even journal when I don’t have a problem, using journal prompts to come up with topics. It helps you process what’s wrong and then you can look at it written down and you realize it’s not so bad. Also, if you write something down you can then forget about it. I always make a list before I go to bed each night of what has to get done in the morning. That way my mind can rest and I’m not constantly worrying about remembering to drop off this library book or to meet with someone at a certain time. Post-it notes are my best friend. If I’m in my car and I have to remember to do something when I get back to the car I leave myself a post-it note right over the speedometer. That way I can’t miss it.

Find some more hobbies as well. I’m a big crafter and I love music (I play guitar, piano, and I sing). Make a list of 25 things that you can do to keep your mind busy when you start to worry and then pick one. It could even be something like cleaning the house or writing someone a (real) letter saying something nice about them. I also plan things to do with my friends, like knitting group, game nights, and contra dancing. It keeps me busy and prevents me from thinking about problems too much.

Still, there are times when you do need to worry. Maybe you could set up a time once or twice a week to worry. During the week, if you are concerned about something jot it down and then during that hour you allow yourself for worrying you can take care of it. That way you know it will get figured out, but it doesn’t have to happen right now. And when you do get to your hour, don’t allow yourself any more than the allotted time to worry. Plan something fun to do once the hour is up so you can get your mind back on positive things.

Hope this helps, and definitely talk to that therapist.

17

I have PTSD. PTSD is an acute anxiety disorder. It is completely life-altering. It impacts every aspect of everything I do. It is Generalized Anxiety Disorder dialed all the way to eleven with some scary dissociative moments (“flash backs”) thrown in for kicks.

I was approximately 19 when the flash backs and panic attacks started. I thought I was losing my mind. I had no control over these episodes and they seemed to happen at random. Other people would react with horror and extreme concern - this only added fuel to my fear.The worst part was not yet knowing what the matter was and not yet recognizing the pattern of panic attacks. My life stopped. I was being held hostage by my fear. I was terrorized by the prospect of another exhausting, embarrassing public panic episode. I lost jobs, friends, and ultimately the support of my family because people didn’t know what they were encountering and assumed I had completely lost my marbles.

I couldn’t afford the extensive prolonged exposure therapy that professionals recommended. In fact, talking about the same trauma over and over again only made things worse be further ingraining those memories into my psyche. Medications didn’t help my PTSD. They might minimize symptoms, though they certainly didn’t do anything but create more symptoms in my case. (They only made me sleepy and more withdrawn - and I gained a lot weight! How the heck is that going to help anyone climb out of anxiety/depression?!) After three years and multiple medications/therapists, I took the matter into my own hands. It was the best decision I ever made, though I know it isn’t for everyone.

I decided that I needed to push myself a little harder. I needed to “expose” myself to scary social situations. I needed to accomplish things to boost my self-esteem. I joined a community choir. I met friends. I started to have fun again. I started to actively engage my co-workers in conversation. I made more friends. I still found it hard to hold down a job, but I would get another one right away, dust myself off, and try to learn from my mistakes.

It was INCREDIBLY difficult. For example, PTSD makes you feel very alienated from other people. I mean, I can’t tell people about my trauma because I have learned that telling people about the prolonged hell of my childhood traumatizes THEM and can actually alter the relationship in negative ways. I keep a journal and call it a day. No one else needs to experience what I have been through, even conceptually.

I eventually pushed myself even harder. I was involved in plays, operettas, and a full-scale opera. Performing gave me the confidence I needed to go back to school. I graduated with my BA in 2010 and am currently working full time (!) in grad school full-time (!!). I’m 31. It’s been a long road, but I’m happy with my life.

I still struggle. Just last Saturday I had a 3 hour panic attack. It happens. The point is: it happens WAY less frequently.

Here are some things I’ve learned. I hope they can be of some assistance to someone.

  1. Forgive yourself. Resist the urge to compare yourself to “normal people.” That ain’t you…and it’s probably not them, either. Everyone’s got the devil on their back sometimes.

  2. Make a conscious effort to recognize what scares you. Then, ask yourself whether or not this is a rational fear. Sometimes - because we’re all smart people here - simply recognizing that you’re afraid of something that can’t actually harm you can be the very thing to help you snap out of individual anxiety episodes.

  3. Tackle each panic/anxiety episode individually instead of attacking it as a macro-level problem. It is easier to climb a mountain one step at a time then attempt it in a single bound.

  4. Make friends. Make sure they are kind, compassionate people. For me, this was the hardest part because I have a lot of trust issues and am not always a good judge of character. A support network is VERY important, though. You can’t (and shouldn’t) do it alone.

4b. If you find it difficult to make friends, engage in a hobby or activity that will enrich your life AND expose you to new people - like a choir, classes, or community theater.

  1. Realize that “getting over it” (what ever the hell that means) may not be a realistic goal. Perhaps a healthier approach is to assume that “you” will be an on-going project…

  2. …and find a way to be ok with that without becoming complacent or defeatist. You can’t be what you are not, and that’s ok. 100% mentally healthy people are like unicorns. Just work on being the best, happiest, most successful version of yourself you can be…

  3. … and know it’s ok to fail as long as you learn from your mistakes.

  4. Do things to make yourself happy - as opposed to wondering why you aren’t just a happy person. You have to invest in your happiness to find your bliss. Treat it like a learned behavior. Make it a priority, and be willing to spend as much time doing things you enjoy as you are willing to spend on the things you dread.

  5. Be kind to other people. Be kind to yourself. Good things will happen. Trust me.

  6. Train yourself to avoid unnecessary, fruitless worry. (There are better hobbies.) Ask yourself: “Can I do anything about this right now?” If the answer is “no,” write it on a post-it note or in a journal and put it to rest. That way, you won’t forget to attend to it and you can put it out of mind and relax.

  7. A little bit of fear is actually good for you. (I’m not talking evolution here.) You can channel this adrenaline into something productive and, maybe, even a little fun. If you find yourself sitting on the couch, worrying about crap you can’t do anything about - GET UP AND DO SOMETHING!

  8. Don’t be a martyr. People seldom appreciate the sacrifice. I know it’s tempting to lose yourself in other people’s drama and swirling chaos. You’re only prolonging your own recovery when you hide behind other people’s bullsh*t.

  9. Even if you decide to go the self-help route like me, don’t be ashamed to talk to a to a professional when you need to. I don’t go regularly, but one in a while I will talk to a counselor to get things off my chest. Like I said earlier, I traumatize people when I talk about my trauma. A therapist is trained to hear things like that. I unload on him/her and don’t have to inflict that on my friends. It’s a win-win.

  10. Don’t be afraid of the stigma of mental illness. Tell people you’re close to about your anxiety - but try to have this conversation PRIOR to an anxiety episode instead of during. That way you can calmly explain what happens and what to expect. People who love you will appreciate the heads up - and it will allow them to better understand that the reaction has little to do with them. Also, refrain from going into too much detail unless you know the other person can handle it.

  11. Breathe. It sounds lame - but the best thing you can do to calm yourself down during a panic attack is try to focus all of your attention on your breath. This takes a lot of practice, so don’t get discouraged if it takes you a while to learn to shut off the evil worry narrative long enough to focus on inhalation/exhalation. You will be so glad you took this advice.

  12. Forgive yourself. (Yes, it’s so important that it bears repeating.) Guilt is a waste of emotion. It does nothing for you or anyone else.

18

You sound like me. I saw a psychiatrist and got medication for GAD. It has really helped. I wish I’d done it years earlier.

Do you get the cycle of anxiety, where you feel anxious, then you feel even more anxious because you know you shouldn’t be feeling anxious? I do.

One thing that helps me is a form of mindfulness. When I’m stressing about the unknown, I tell myself, “I’m doing it again”. I observe that I’m going into the kind of thought patterns where the anxiety runs away with me. I know this is not because something bad is going to happen, it’s just my brain doing the thing it does.

Another thing I do is avoid things that I know will upset me and make me anxious, unless there’s a good reason why I have to encounter them. For example, I found TV news after 9/11 very upsetting. I realized that I could get the news I need to know from online newspapers. That way, I would have more control over how much time I spent reading/watching something upsetting, but if something really terrible did happen and I really needed to know, it would be there. Problem solved. You’re not everybody else, and there is no law saying you have to do everything the way everybody else does it. See if some other way might work better for you.

Sometimes this can help. One of the things I’m anxious about is getting caught drinking and driving. So I made a rule- if I drink alcohol, any amount over about half a glass of wine, no driving for 8 hours. If I know I’m going to be driving, I don’t drink more alcohol than that. Then I don’t have to be anxious, because I know I am not going to be driving drunk. If I start worrying about it, I know that’s ridiculous. It also keeps me from doing something that objectively is dangerous and stupid.

This was me, certainly. But I suspect my anxiety also has a genetic component. I can see it in both sides of the family. My mother’s mother was very much a worrier. And my dad’s father had phobias, notably a phobia of bridges. My dad, my sister, and I all have needle phobia. They faint at the sight of needles or blood, I just shake and cry (or feel nauseous at the sight of something gory).

Of course, it’s entirely possible that parents parent that way because the parents are anxious, and that kind of parenting reinforces a genetic tendency to anxiety. Their own anxiety might make them really believe that most people who get in trouble end up working a low-status job.