What does it mean to 'Be Yourself', exactly?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Certainly one of the most commonly used of the teen-angst self-help-platitudes that I was exposed to growing up was the injunction to ‘be yourself’, as in…

“Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about you, just be yourself…”
“Just be yourself - if she doesn’t like you for you you are, then you’re better off without her”
“The most important thing you can *be *is yourself”
(etc…)

This is an obvious tautology: there is, kind of by definition, nothing else one can be other than one’s-self, which begs the question as to what is meant by the phrase. Unravelling it a bit, one could interpret this to mean…

“Don’t attempt to adopt a radically different persona too quickly (on account of emergent social necessity, real or imagined), because you’ll probably fuck it up and look awkward or foolish”

Take, for instance, a geeky computer nerd attempting to ‘fit in’ in the company of sporty jocks by clumsily emulating their mannerisms. Or vice versa.

But I sense something a little more fundamental than that. It’s as almost as if the saying suggests that deep down, we have a good (beautiful) inner soul, that is obscured and made ugly by false social pretenses that we naively and mistakenly layer over the top of it. If only we could all ‘be ourselves’, goes the thinking, the world would be a lovelier place.

If this is the case, I wholeheartedly disagree. I could go on, but it’s my bed-time, so now I open it to the floor: What do you interpret this to mean? And is there any real useful profundity in the phrase?

2

IME “be yourself” is correct, but useless, advice.

Many of the biggest (and longest) mistakes in my life have been from trying to take on an identity that wasn’t really me, and not making use of my personal strengths.
However, all this only became clear in retrospect. If I went back in time and told myself to “be yourself” then of course the response would be “well, duh” (or whatever the 90s equivalent was)

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3

It’s not completely useless as an idea.

Some people find themselves in situations where they are trying very hard to be something they believe other people want them to be - they’re typically not very successful in this, nor are they very happy.

‘be yourself’ doesn’t mean everything will be OK; it just means that to the extent it’s not OK, it’s also not so much your own doing.

4

I don’t know, I’ve often seen it when it looks like a complete contradiction of all the advice immediately preceding it.

Example, “Why You’re Not Married Yet” (paraphrased)

1.You’re selfish.
2. You’re like a teenaged girl.
3. You’re too worried about your looks.
4. You’re focusing on the wrong thing in guys.
5-X. [I forget-couple of other things wrong with you in general]
x+1. You’re good enough, right now, just be yourself!

5

Well what I was trying to say was this: If I were to just tell the younger me “Be yourself dammit! Right now you’re not being yourself” (which is already more elaboration than just “be yourself”), I would have had no idea what this specically referred to, and perhaps could even have made my life worse in the attempt of guessing.

OTOH if I were to say “You’re good at X, why aren’t you using that?” or “Why are you doing Y, is it because you think that’s just the way things are done?” then sure I would have got the hints.

6

It’s primarily about making decisions based on how you think and feel, and not on trying to do what you think others want you to do.

As I said in a recent thread, no one else in the world cares as much about your choices and decisions as you do. We’re all too busy worrying about our own lives to care that much about the lives of everyone else. So, to borrow from Hilarity N. Suze’s example, don’t worry about what other people think of your looks. Dress and style yourself in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, not how you think others want you to look. Don’t worry about being what your potential relationship partners are looking for, just concentrate on living your life the way you want to live it, so that you can find a partner who is aligned with your needs and values.

If you don’t like yourself, not only are you going to be miserable, but no one else is going to like you much either. And it’s very hard to like yourself when you’re doing things you don’t want to do in order to please others.

7

When people say “be yourself” I don’t know what they mean.

However I know what I mean when I say it. I mean make sure that when you seek personal change, you’re doing it for your own benefit and not to fit a certain image or role.

For instance, don’t go to the gym because you want to be the type of person who goes to the gym. Go to the gym because working out makes you feel better.

I think some people think “be yourself” means never pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. Like, just because you don’t think you’d like working out doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it. “Be yourself” doesn’t mean “never change yourself”. Change isn’t inherently bad or good. Sometimes change is necessary if you want a different outcome.

8

I always hear it as “relax - don’t worry” no matter what the context is.

9

You know “fake it till you make it?”

Well, this is the opposite.

Here’s another approach to the matter.

10

It’s a pretty useless bit of advice, you have little choice.

But you don’t have to be a conformist or wish you were someone else. From my experience, it usually means relax, or everybody has strengths.

I agree with the posts emphasizing change as being for your own benefit. It is good to replace bad habits, and this requires personal buy-in.

11

I have known several women and some guys who tend to kind of “absorb” whatever you want them to be. So she will may say “oh, I love scifi movies!” even though she just said to someone else how much she hated the genre. Or even though he loves a particular music artist, agrees when someone else says they suck. Some people will be whoever they think will gain them acceptance. Don’t be that person, Own yourself, own your likes and dislikes, but be open to new experiences.

Be yourself, with all your strengths and weaknesses. You can’t be anyone else, so why even try?

12

It generally means to not put on some fake persona for other people’s benefit.

Think of it in terms of interviewing for a job or dating. Yes, putting on a false front might get you an initial date or the job. But how long are you going to maintain that façade? What happens once the real you comes through?

Just be yourself. Unless you are an asshole. Then try to be someone who is less of a jerk.

13

What they don’t tell you is that the really, really, really tricky part is figuring out who “yourself” actually is. Takes an entire lifetime, in most cases. And the worst part is that you don’t always know if it’s really “you” or if you’re conforming to what the world wants you to be.

14

This.

I think “OWN yourself” is a better term.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Don’t just accept who you are. LOVE who your are. Short comings and all.

As an example: If you’re in a group of people, and they are all talking about how great they are at sports. When the conversation diverts to you, don’t sheepishly avoid or divert the conversation to someone else. Flat out say: “I can’t throw a a ball to save my life.” And say it proudly. Because shit man, that’s a part of who you are.

And if folks don’t find that enduring, well, they’re probably not the type of folks you’d want as friends anyway.

15

Yeah, I think you’re right. It’s good advice, but the people to whom it is directed are most often not in a position to understand, accept or act on it.

16

Thanks for the replies so far. The notion of ‘trying to be someone you are not’ has come up a few times. On the one hand, I get this; I am not, for instance, a ‘tough guy’ - if I tried to act that way, it would not be effective nor convincing. I am also not a sports enthusiast - if I were in the company of people who were really into sports, my best bet would be to be honest and simply limit my participation to simple questions and observations (instead of feigning exaggerated interest and expertise, and being ‘discovered’ as the ignoramus that I actually am). So sure, assuming some kind of temporary identity which is hugely at odds to what you are normally like should be left to the professionals (i.e. actors, spies, etc…).

But, I do not have just one static ‘true’ persona; I have a multitude of identities (as do we all), and the person that I really am at that moment differs depending on who I am with and what role I am playing. I am a different *person *when I am playing with my 2 year-old daughter to when I am interviewing someone for a job - but I am not more ‘real’ in either case. Being socially successful (and, I would posit, being successful in life) relies very much on being able to adapt to one’s immediate social surroundings - there is no singular ‘one’s-self’, there are lots of different ‘selves’ which need to be switched on and off on a dynamic basis. Perhaps this is why it is difficult to ‘be yourself’ - there isn’t really any such thing, and is no doubt why so many teenagers would respond by saying ‘Okay, but what is ‘myself’?’

So, tentatively, could we conclude that ‘be yourself’ really means ‘By all means adapt and adjust your mannerisms and ways of being to your immediate social surroundings, but know your limits - don’t take it too far.’? That’s fine by me, but where does ‘pragmatic social adaptation’ (good) turn into ‘adopting a false persona’ (bad)?

The notion of ‘not caring what other people think’ is also one that troubles me a little. I would argue that what other people think of you is very important indeed, albeit with some qualifications… It *should *matter to me what my friends, family and colleagues think of me - if my action(s) cause a number of people to lower their estimations of me, then I should pay serious attention to why that is. Similarly, I wear professional attire at work because I want people to see that I am a professional. I don’t swear constantly, I bathe daily and I say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ - this is all because I care *a lot *about what people think about who I am and what I am like. I am sure the vast majority of people here would say something similar. I don’t think this is a sign of cowardice or conformity - this is simply being a member of society.

Yet, the idea of ‘caring too much about others’ opinions’ carries some weight in terms of being a recipe for unhappiness. If everything I did was for the (desperate) approval of others, then my entire self-esteem would be completely out of my hands. Where does one draw the line between ‘good caring’ and ‘bad caring’?

So, I guess it’s something along the lines of walking with kings but not losing the common touch, and having everyone’s opinions matter to you, but none too much (ahem)… Easy to say, much harder to do…

17

Nothing wrong with not being the same monolithic personality at all times. There are many moods of Ken.

I’d say probably the most prevalent categories of ‘not being yourself’ (at least that I have seen) are:
[ul]
[li]Trying too hard to be cool[/li][li]Trying too hard to be funny[/li][li]Trying too hard to be the ‘nice guy’, specifically toward women[/li][/ul]

18

I think it’s bad when people can tell it’s an act. If people can tell you’re being “fake”, then you’re kinda failing at the “fake it till you make it” thing.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with caring what others think as long as you are selective about how many fucks you give and in what context. I care more what my boss thinks than a coworker. I care more about what my parents think of me when I’m in their world (in their house, around their friends) than when they are visiting me in mine. I try not to care what random strangers think of me.

I also realize people are going to have negative opinions about me regardless of what I do, and that’s okay. A negative opinion never killed anyone. At some point, everyone must be bold enough to say to themselves “fuck them if they don’t like me”.

I think if people are renting space in your head all day long, then it’s “bad caring”. I also think it’s “bad caring” if you find yourself saying shit like, “What will people think!?” or you actually say it out loud.

19

But do you do these things because it’s what other people expect of you, or because you believe bathing, dressing professionally and treating people with respect is important?

“Caring what other people think” becomes a problem when one lets it dictate their behavior, especially if that behavior is contrary to their values.

20

Reference to poster to upcoming Batman Lego Movie:

Always Be Yourself
Unless You Can Be Batman

:wink:

Speaking to the OP for real, I am struck by the famous line from Hamlet, “To Thine Own Self Be True.” It is spoken by Polonius, who is not presented as a wise man - so it is more a hollow maxim or somewhat hypocritical coming from a guy like him.

“Be Yourself” is so shapeless that it can hold anything, everything and nothing. At best: if it gets a person to pause and think before they speak or act, that’s usually a good thing. Beyond that, meh.