When do you think it’s a good idea to alter ones self in appearance, style, values, etc. for the sake of others, and when do you think it’s better not to?
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Questions seeking opinions and advice go in IMHO.
Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion.
Take a good long look at yourself. Do some introspection. Is there anything about you that is way off the normal? Is it messing up things like jobs, friendships, or love life? If so consider changing.
On the other hand if people are applying peer pressure to make you do something that you shouldn’t be doing, think hard drugs, or could negatively affect your life, then maybe you need to change by finding different friends and coworkers.
Of course if you are in a long term relationship, you may have to make course corrections. You either grow together or grow apart. I’ve been married for 36 years so I know all about it.
You need to decide if you’re upholding some genuine principle or just unwilling to change out of some trivial reason. Are you saying you will never take a human life because you’ve been inspired by the teachings of Gandhi or that you’ll never eat at Pizza Hut again because the waiter wouldn’t let you use an expired coupon?
Just as an example. I have a good friend who is single. He’s a nice guy, but he is generally rather unkempt (very long messy gray hair and beard, old military clothing from when he was still in, etc.), and he doesn’t believe in deodorant (he bathes, but after a few hours, especially if a person gets hot and sweaty, they SMELL). He has a good job, and would actually make a good husband for the right girl. The trouble is, he has gone 10 years without getting so much as a nibble out in dating land.
Several of his friends, including me, have tried gently to explain to him that his appearance is not his friend when it comes to attracting women. His opinion is that if they can’t “see past all that, they’re not worth it and they’re shallow etc.”.
Yes, judging by looks alone is shallow, but there is also a happy medium for how to behave out in the world, if a person doesn’t want to fall somewhere in that line, then they’re only hurting themselves. Pretty much what Jerry said.
It is hard to find the happy medium between being authentic to yourself and behaving in ways that allow you to achieve your social goals and/or live a drama free life.
As to what that medium is, I do not know. Its a good question though.
I’d say its better not to when you feel like something is ‘wrong’ for doing so, when you feel you are being inauthentic. In those situations it may be better to change your social environment to find a more accepting social environment. People are varied, what makes one person reject you is unimportant to someone else, and could be appealing to a third.
If you’re an ant who wandered into a bee hive by mistake, you can either dress up like a bee, or go find out where all the ants went.
For me, personally, the latter has always been the best option.
Unless the bees are the only ones who will pay me. Then it’s bee suit to work every day.
This. No, wait…
This. I’m a nut by nature. In order to end the cyclic destruction & reconstruction of my life I had to learn how to mimc ‘normal’ human things like giving and receiving traditional, canned greetings; keeping 90% of my thoughts to myself, thinking really hard about the other 10% of thoughts I believe I wish to grant speach to, that sort of thing. It’s made a world of difference in my overall physical and mental comfort, and ability to rely on others.
As an ant, it is in my best interest to just put on the bee suit and buzz. Hanging with other ants has never ended well for me.
Also, as someone pointed out in another thread, there’s a (sometimes subtle) difference between actually changing oneself and simply faking it.
Sometimes it pays off to put on a persona, to basically pretend that you’re someone else, in a social setting.
It’s the difference between, on the one hand, just wearing the bee suit but changing back into ant slacks when you go home, or, on the other, starting to think of yourself as an actual bee.
For a good time, keep the ant suit on while wearing the big bee pants. Really troubles some people. 
The question you should be asking yourself is, what do you want out of life? What do you believe in? What do you want people to think about you? What do you think is good and what do you think is bad? Are you hurting other people? Are you hurting yourself? Determine what the most important thing in your life is, or what you want to be the most important thing. (For most people, it’s happiness, but what defines your happiness? A wife? A house? Being a ski instructor? Being true to the christian god?)
Once you have the answers to these questions, inspect whether your actions line up with what you want and believe in. Inspect if your friend’s actions line up. Figure out if something is holding you back.
This will determine if you and/or your surroundings need to change.
I’ve met many people who tell me that something (moving out, getting a girl, making money, writing a novel, etc) is the “most important thing” to them, but their actions do not line up with their words. They continually let the “most important thing” slip through their fingers by negligence, and it’s obvious where their real priorities are because of it. They need to do more introspection to figure themselves out. They might realize they didn’t even know themselves to have continually picked out the wrong “most important thing” - instead of getting a girl, maybe their most important thing really IS just being themselves, and that themselves happens to be an abrasive person who might not find a girl. You can’t necessarily have everything in life. You have to pick one “most important thing” - and maybe a couple tertiary objectives. You have to realize that not all goals are compatible (ants vs bees). Then you have to work and maybe even change for it. If your goal involves pleasing other people in order to get what you want, you’ll have to do that.
I would not change specifically for the sake of somebody else unless they were literally my “most important thing” - more important to me than my own life. That is certainly possible. Most of my changes were made for my own happiness when I realized that my actions were not lining up with what I wanted out of life.
And what you want out of life can certainly change. So introspect often.
The other day I was the butt of some jokes by a couple of female coworkers. They always tease me about my shoes and my clothes. They kind of went to town on me the other day. Even though I laughed along with them, I went back to my office feeling a little blah about myself.
People are full of shit when they say “Just be yourself”.
For me, I’d say if it’s something that:
[ul]
[li]You can actually change without harming yourself (i.e. your clothes, your habits, your attitude, not the colour of your skin or your sexual orientation)[/li][li]Causes people to prejudge you before they find the ‘real’ you[/li][li]Causes people upset/harm/pain in some predictable/repeatable sense[/li][/ul]
Then it’s maybe worth trying to change it.
It’s never a good idea to do for the sake of others, and in my experience changes never “take” when done for someone else. However, I also think that achieving any goal should cost you something. If you have a goal and the person you are can’t achieve it, your options are change something or let go of the goal.
Typically, people that won’t change to get what they want are simply saying they feel they deserve what everyone else got, without the effort. Their rallying cry starts “why should I - ?” Yeah, other people did all that, but they shouldn’t have to!
Don’t expect that you can tell people “you have to accept me the way I am.” Because they don’t. Just as you can choose not to conform to the standards of the community, the community can choose not to accept your non-conformity. Non-conformity has a price and you have to decide if you’re willing to pay it.
Most people are probably fine, but some people really need to change. For instance, I recently gave up all my dreams of going to grad school, and even getting a job in my field because it would be wrong. Instead I realized the best place for me would be working as a desk clerk or person at a fast food place, because you want smart, good people writing your software or doing research.
Most of the people reading this are probably fine and don’t need to change, but a small few like me shouldn’t just change, but have a moral responsibility to give up their hopes and dreams and live a poor, miserable life for the sake of others.
Thier is a term " fake it till you make it" sometimes the positive feedbackt you get from a new personna will reinforce itself with the good brain chemicals we get when doing something right. When this happens the change can often become real and permanent.
Not to hijack, but this isn’t okay. It’s not okay when the mean girls in school target someone who’s not in their group, and it’s still not okay when everyone’s grown up. I know it takes some real guts to actually do this, but I’ve witnessed a co-worker tell someone who was teasing her this way, “You know, when you say things like that to me, it really hurts. I want you to stop doing it.” And it worked. I don’t know how much hostility your co-workers actually have towards you, but if they’re not trying to hurt you, it might help to let them know (individually if possible) that it isn’t harmless joking.
Ahem. And the only time to change yourself in reaction to someone else is if their observations about you make you realize that it really would be to your benefit to change. Then you’re not changing for them, you’re changing because they’ve helped you to see you need to change. Unless your girlfriend wants you to change your clothes because she thinks you’re under-dressed for an occasion. Then just do it. Trust me.
Tell them to go fuck themselves.
The most memorable times I’ve changed myself to a lesser or great degree were as follows in no particular order.
Falling in love with the “one”. Suddenly I begin to see how I acted from a different point of vies. I wanted to live with and for someone besides myself…not in a negative way, buy to be a better person for me and for her.
The birth of my children - my life and behaviors refocused all by themselves to be outside of my self.
When I joined the Air Force. My position demanded that I look out for the welfare of others, and my needs were second to the mission.
Being a teacher made me aware of and responsive to a very wide range of personalities, situations, talents, and the need to see others with a wider lens and softer heart.