As I was typing out this reply I realized that the times I feel most pulled together are never the times when I get compliments. I just got a new haircut and color which I think looks pretty great and NO one has said a thing. When I put effort into an outfit or makeup that I’m pleased with, I rarely get a comment.
I’ve had hair styles that I was very “meh” about that people gushed over, and worn things that I really didn’t care for that got compliments from strangers. I have accessories that I think are fairly generic or boring that people remark on, but when I put on a pair of shoes that I think rocks… nothing. This kind of gives lie to the idea that confidence is what people notice…
Do I just have an awful sense of style? I don’t necessarily care if I do, I’m going to keep wearing vintage bowling shoes over whatever is on trend and wearing what I feel comfortable in but I have to wonder if people look at me and think “yeesh.”
What about you? Do you have something that you think you look fabulous in that no one comments on? Did you get a haircut that you think is middle of the road or awful that people love? Have a shirt that you only wear when nothing else is clean that turns heads?
Why is it so important to you what other people think? I wear what’s comfortable and rarely expect compliments. The only person whose opinions matter to me is my partner, and I don’t hear any complaints from him. I can’t imagine why anyone else’s opinion should be in any way meaningful.
I’ve got two answers for you; the ‘feel confident in yourself and fuck the haters’ answer, and the ‘I’m a costume and fashion designer, and people are usually shit at dressing themselves’ answer
if you feel good in something, and it’s comfortable and fits, then go ahead and rock it, and feel good about yourself. It’s your body, and if you want to wear something, you should feel absolutely no shame in wearing it.
you, like most people, probably don’t have ‘favorite’ clothes and hairstyles and makeup choices that maximize your advantages and minimize your disadvantages.
I’ll use myself as an example. I have a small head, weak chin, narrow shoulders, small boobs, and what we’ll call ‘generous’ hips. I personally LOVE wearing those long maxi skirts like hippies wear - long, flowing, lots of fabric, very visually weighty. I also hate wearing sleeves, so I wear a lot of tunics or sleeveless buttoned tops.
This is really a bad choice for me, because that combo makes my shoulders and upper body look even smaller, and my hips and ass look even bigger.
So, when I’m purposefully trying to look good (instead of just wearing clothes I feel comfortable in) I wear structured jackets with shoulderpads, I break out the padded demi-cup bra, I wear satin or shiny fabric up top to make my chest look brighter (thus bigger) and I wear dark A-line skirts or tailored slacks and heels to draw attention to my long legs, rather than my big asss, and I wear a scarf or a collar that hides or distracts from my chin.
None of that is what I would call my ‘favorite’ clothes, nor do I feel my best in them, but I know that I LOOK my best in them, and sometimes, that’s what counts.
I don’t get how the idea that being comfortable absolutely means looking like a slob or not looking good became so ingrained in US culture, like they’re mutually exclusive. A lot of what garners compliments about my wardrobe is color choice, and I haven’t found blue or green to be more uncomfortable than orange or brown. The shoes I get the most compliments on? Brown suede Puma that cost about $20 at the outlet mall and comfortable as can be. The runner-up for most mentioned? Black Converse Chuck Taylors.
It’s nice to try to have this attitude, but let’s not pretend it’s unusual to care about how others perceive us.
Why do I care about, say, looking like a fool in front of a bunch of people I’ll never see again? I just do, because I’m human and that’s how we’re wired.
Some of us care more what others think and some less. Speaking just for myself, the degree to which I care is related to how much I know and value that person, and even then, it’s super linear, such that unless I really value that person, I don’t care much at all. I used to care about being a fool in front of others, but not really caring means I don’t waste the mental and emotional energy worrying about something that doesn’t matter. I will get embarassed if I make a fool of myself in front of friends, family, and to a lesser extent, coworkers, but that’s about it.
To the OP specifically, I think you’re missing some context on when you get compliments. Speaking for myself, I notice I get compliments when I look good but haven’t really put in the effort to do so, and less so when I have; unless of course I’ve put in a lot of effort, but that’s a rare occasion like wearing a suit to a wedding or the like. My take is that it’s something people will notice if there’s a discrepancy.
Speaking from a guy’s perspective, if I see a woman who has make-up on, wearing a nice outfit, nice shoes, of course she looks good, but she put in effort and so even if she’s gorgeous, it seems more or less within the realm of normal. But take the same woman and she’s put on maybe only a little make-up or none at all, and maybe wearing clothes that look good on her but aren’t particularly for looking nice, and yet she looks almost as good with perhaps a fraction of the effort, now it seems outside the realm of normal, even if she actually looked better the first time. Or take it to the extreme, how many guys might fawn over that girl wearing no make-up, hair in a pony tail, wearing sweats, but has a natural beauty. It’s just far outside of our expectations that it stands out.
Since I retired I resemble a homeless person more than anything else I can think of. The other day it was too hot to do my usual woodworking so I decided to take an early shower put on a nice shirt and pants and spend the day lounging at coffee shops and hangouts. I have to admit all the compliments and flirting I was getting made me feel good. More importantly it made me realize how my self image has been gradually slipping. I have been feeling like an old retired guy an not very sexy. One girl said I was an incredebly handsome man, another lady said that if she realized how well I cleaned up she would have been on me years ago. I must have gotten 10 strong compliments that day. It was good for my self image.
I think I kind of know how you feel. My girlfriend makes me grow a beard, she thinks I look too weird without one. And it seems true; when I’m clean shaven, strangers seem less friendly - it’s hard to put my finger on. I kind of eventually boiled it down to the area seems to have an unusual abundance of a certain type of clean shaven socially inept weirdo - I’m serious, it does. After a while I started to notice it myself. The problem is, when I start going on interviews for accounting jobs or internships, what am I supposed to do?
Also, I rarely get asked about where I get stuff, but there are 2 things that I wear that generate a lot of questions; one is a ratty old zip up light weight sweater sort of thing I bought at the army navy store for $10 over a decade ago, the other is a $16 cycling cap I wear when I’m too lazy to deal with my hair(or lack of hair I should say).
I don’t think I’m as ugly or as pretty as people probably perceive me to be. When people (mostly guys) compliment me about my looks, I think they are blowing smoke up my skirt to win my favor. When people (mostly women) give me shit, I think they are projecting their own insecurities onto me so that I can have poor self-esteem just like they do.
I feel that a lot of times people only say something when stuff stands out or looks weird or a little shocking. They just gotta say something.
I get compliments on my hair a lot of times, but only right after I have it highlighted. Because my hairdresser always puts a big blonde streak right in the middle of my forehead. It’s shocking, it’s a little weird and a little stupid looking. People can’t say any of those things so they say “I love your hair!” because they got to say something. Once that streak tones down a bit, I get nothing.
When I go out and my hair looks really great for me and all the curls are in place and the color is right, no one says anything. I assume it’s because I don’t look out-of-place-weird. Your hair might just look nice and normal and not out of place. It might be shocking to you to look in the mirror and see something new but to everyone else, it’s just expectedly good hair.
I always feel like this is why dudes who wear fedoras think people think they look good with fedoras. People react to their silly looking hats because they are silly and out of place but can’t say “your hat is silly and out of place.” They say “nice hat!” and the dude thinks people really think he looks good in a fedora.
I know it’s a cliché, but you might be a victim of confirmation bias. Meaning, you might notice when you don’t get compliments when you’re extra attuned to your appearance.
The only times anyone ever comments on my appearance is when I wear a tie or sport coat to work - then I get either: “Gotta a job interview?” or “What’s up with the coat (or tie)?” Never, ever has anyone commented on whether those items look good on me or not.
My wife and I have talked about this. She gets a lot of comments every day, on her hair, her outfit, on her general attactiveness. Other than from my wife, I haven’t gotten feedback on my appearance in decades. That can only mean I am so ugly and poorly dressed that nobody has anything nice to say, right?
I definitely agree about the Fedora thing. Trench coats are another example.
My wife gets a lot of complements on her appearance, and in her case it’s specifically because she dresses well and puts effort in her appearance. While she doesn’t spend a ton of money on clothes, she does have a lot of outfits and shoes. Her trick is to find reasonably priced stuff and coordinate it to look very good on her body.
The way you stand/walk can also be a factor. People that stand up straight and look people in the eye will be more noticed than those who slouch and stare at their feet.
When I say “feel comfortable in” I don’t necessarily mean physically comfy. My yoga pants and a big t-shirt are more “comfy” than jeans and boots, but I feel more comfortable in public wearing the latter.
I don’t really care what others think about my appearance, I’m saying it’s odd to me that when I think I look good no one says anything (which is fine) but on days when I throw on something I think is boring or I have a hairstyle that I don’t particularly care for, I get compliments. It makes me think that my sense of style or what looks good on me is out of whack with common perception, that’s all. I’m not looking to dress or make myself up in ways that are appealing to others, I just think it’s interesting that when I walk out the door feeling “eh” others tend to compliment me more so than when I look in the mirror and think “this looks good”.
I know I’ve been surprised on a number of occasions by an “I love that purse” or “that shirt is great” when I really think it’s boring at best. Reading these comments, I’m starting to think that what I enjoy wearing looks odd to people so they just don’t say anything and when I wear something generic they comment because… they’re pleased to see me looking “normal”?
Also possible. Most people don’t really think about what they’re wearing, and are stuck emulating something they thought looked cool in high school or a bit later. A friend of mine in her 50s wears tie-dye and jeans every chance she gets, a buddy of mine that can’t ride a bicycle has worn biker gear (well, pseudo biker gear) as long as I’ve known him because he thought it looked cool in his 20s and never moved up. In both cases, when they drop that and move to more suitable clothing they get compliments galore, but they’re happier with what they’re used to.
I think men who don’t get feedback shouldn’t take it personally. Rarely do they look different from day to day to me. Women are a different case because our hair, makeup, and clothing can be so drastically different from day to day. Most men don’t alter their appearance much.
Also, some people notice but just aren’t the complementary types.
I agree with the shock or out of the normal theory. I often get told how young I look when I go out in public with no makeup on. I don’t think that means people think I look older when I do wear it though.
Uh oh… I’ve retired (or stopped myself from buying) things that I’ve accepted as “too young” for me but I wonder if I’m guilty of this… Now you’ve got me thinking!
Agreed.
And I actually coach people on public speaking so I know full well we can train ourselves to care less about (or be less focused on) how we look to others.
I was just taking exception to comments such as panache45’s that “I can’t imagine why anyone else’s opinion [of our appearance] should be in any way meaningful”. Of course other people’s perceptions are meaningful to us, to one extent or another.
I don’t know you, but I suspect it really depends on the emotional weight of the event.
Lots of people like to say they don’t care what strangers think of them, but IME it usually means they don’t care about relatively minor slights (which is good). Not caring about extremely humiliating events is something few people can do.
Since people respond to your more mundane things, maybe they’re not usually thinking “Yeesh” but “Yikes.” It’s up to you how “out there” you want to be.