“You look great today” or “I love that shirt” but less than socially acceptable to say “You are beautiful” or “You are handsome”? Why is it only OK to comment on the person’s appearance? But if I told a beautiful woman she was beautiful, not today but all the time, it would come off as ever so slightly creepy - even if she knew 100% for sure that it wasn’t because I was attracted to her.
My WAG is that people are often unsure of what to do with compliments on things they can’t control: so, telling me that I’m beautiful leaves me feeling a little like, “Thanks…I guess.” On the other hand, saying that you like my blouse or that I look nice today is complimenting my taste/style.
Probably the same reason they don’t let me carry a lit dungeon torch inside the building, even though they know 100% for sure that I won’t accidentally start a fire.
But why are we unsure? I mean, there have been times I want to say to a person who I know is suffering from low self-esteem that they are, in fact, beautiful, but yes, it’s awkward and it’s not something I would say.
Because what’s the point of a compliment on something you can’t control? Let alone something you can’t control and that is subjective?
Say I have low-self esteem, but you think I’m pretty. So you tell me so. In my head I’m all, “That’s great, but no one else thinks I’m pretty, and there’s nothing I can do about how I look*, so what was the point of her telling me that?”
(*Talking about basic facial features – not weight, makeup, hair styles, etc. The parts of your appearance that you really can’t control.)
We get conditioned to gracefully accept such compliments, but they’re always at least a little awkward. The only time they’re expected, oddly enough, is when we’re being courted: my WAG for that is that such compliments are often code for “I want something from you.” So if you tell me that I have beautiful eyes and you’re not trying to sleep with me, it comes off as weird – even though it’s true. 
I think that is a very sad thing, then. That we can’t just take a compliment for what it’s worth…and I include myself in that category.
If the shirt is low-cut, and being worn by a woman, I’d recommend against complimenting the choice.
I agree, but I throw 'em out there anyway. Maybe it’ll make someone’s day. At the worst, I’ll be viewed as a little weird.
Fine. If I’m weird because I like to make people feel good and I think paying them a compliment is a good way to do that, then maybe I’ll change my user name to WeirdZilla.
Huh. I kinda like that.
How we take compliments often has a lot to do with our self-confidence, but IMO it also has to do with how we were raised. Personally, my parents went a little overboard with the “be humble” stuff when my brother and I were young: we were taught to smile and say thank you when we got compliments, but never to believe them. So now I’m very good at smiling and saying thank you, but even at the age of 40 I have trouble really accepting compliments. And it’s something I deal with regularly: I’m a fairly decent jazz singer, and I often get compliments from audience members after I’ve performed. But I’m much more comfortable with compliments on my singing – which I’ve been working at for the past 24 years and working hard at for the past 2.5 years – than I am with compliments on my appearance. (I recently met someone promising who often compliments me on both, and it’s taking some getting used to. :))
False modesty is incredibly unbecoming, though. I positively loathe when I compliment someone on something and they say something like “Oh, this old thing?” What does that say about my taste? That’s insulting!
As to accepting compliments, I think it’s something that every adult should aspire to, just like being able to say no. We all should know when a compliment is genuine or not, or if it wasn’t meant genuinely but we know we deserve it anyway.
I know. I’d also like a pony, please. 
Dogzilla, I share at least some of your attitude. I’d rather compliment people and have it be a little awkward, if I mean it, then say nothing. So if I really think that shirt is an excellent choice with your hair or skintone, I won’t hesitate to say it. I told a male colleague a few weeks ago that he was an excellent dresser, because he really always is well put-together. I just feel like when people make an effort it should be noticed.
I guess I don’t think the premise is true. Sometimes it’s appropriate to say “you look great today,” but sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes it’s appropriate to say “you’re attractive,” but sometimes it isn’t.
There are more contexts where the former is appropriate, and it’s way easier to be creepy doing the latter, for the reasons that have been mentioned (and because it’s a comment about something new and temporary, which just makes more sense to say while it’s happening), but I don’t think there’s a fundamental difference between the two. It’s not like it’s never OK to point out that somebody has attractive features, and it’s not like it’s always OK to tell somebody they look great today. One is just a little more personal and has different implications, so it seems more awkward without any context and it’s a lot more natural to assume it was a weird thing to say.
I used to have an office next to a like 70 year old guy who was more forward on matters of personal appearance than some of the other people in the office appreciated. I guarantee you that he could say “you look great today” in a way that was a million times less acceptable than my telling somebody that a certain judge likes her because she’s pretty.
A good compliment isn’t so broad it rings false, or overly gushing. It should be personalized and feel genuine to whoever is receiving it. Since most people are a]not particularly good-looking and b]do not feel they are particularly good-looking even if they are, ‘you’re gorgeous’ is not always going to feel very good - it can feel like someone’s trying to kiss your ass.
‘You look nice today’ or ‘I love your dress’ are better because they aren’t value judgments of someone’s entire physical appearance. They’re easily related to the person recieving the compliment’s self-perception.
That said I’ve been called beautiful plenty of times by strangers, and took it in the spirit it was intended (there’s a difference between an elderly woman being sweet, and a teenage boy hitting on me). I do believe that most people think I am pretty (and smart) as a matter of course, which is uncommon. No issues accepting compliments.
I will tell people I know well they are pretty, handsome, objectively attractive etc if I think they are. It seems to go over well (possibly because I’m usually so blunt that compliments I give seem bound to be genuine). But it would feel weird to ‘rate’ someone I didn’t have a real relationship with, I’ve never done that - I stick to ‘cute shoes!’ and ‘I love your new haircut’ or maybe ‘you have really pretty eyes’… complimenting the beauty of one feature is doable.
(I think a lot of it depends whether it is in a professional environment, or outside of the workplace.)
For me, I think the best kinds of compliments (outside of romantic relationships) are ones that are specific enough that the compliment-receiver can come up with a normal response. I find it a little weird when the statement just … hangs there. “You are beautiful” is difficult to respond to. What do you say to that? “It’s so kind of you to say so” is about all you’ve got to work with, and even that is easier if you are Grace Kelly.
“I love that shirt” is easier, because you can say
- thank you, maybe I should wear it more often
- thank you, it’s funny you mention it because I don’t usually wear red, but I’m glad you like it
- thank you, it was a gift from my mother
- thank you, and it’s so comfortable, too! Don’t you hate it when a great looking shirt turns out to be itchy?
It’s something that allows you to accept the compliment, or, if it puts you more at ease, to take the conversation in a practical direction, such as a discussion about silk v. cashmere, or the latest sale at the mall. I will bet that the vast majority of people will still walk away from that conversation feeling good that you complimented their shirt – it’s not as if talking about how it was a birthday gift from their mother is taking away from the nice feelings.
Of course, the baseline is that the response should be gracious.
A deft compliment-giver can also go the route of “I love that shirt, that color shows off how handsome you are” (because of course, you don’t want to imply that the wearer looks handsome ONLY while wearing that shirt) and that gives the receiver more room to decide how they want to take it.
I compliment people all of the time, especially if I am about to put them in front of the cameras for a media interview. The important thing is, I make that compliment genuine.
The reason I have an issue when someone says, “You are beautiful.” is that “Thank you” seems inadequate somehow…
As with everything - context and intent are important.
When giving a compliment about appearance in the workplace the issue is that one has exited the professional realm and entered the personal realm. If the recipient of the complement is expecting to remain in the professional realm, then one giving the complement has stepped over the line.
Commenting about general attractiveness (“You are beautiful!”) is more easily translated into “I find you desirable.” Even if that is not the specific intent, the recipient can not be sure and can easily make the translation. Whereas commenting about a controllable aspect (“That is a very nice looking outfit!”) is more benign and translatable into “You make good choices.” - more socially acceptable. Again, if the context is not expected to be personal, then there is the danger of stepping over the line.
Over the line = creepy.
I’ve often wondered why it’s ok to compliment a person on a physical feature like their eyes or their shape or whatever, but it’s classless and tacky to compliment them on a “nice ass”. So much of today’s fashion is modeled around a having a nice ass, and so many women proudly flaunt theirs, why in the world is it tacky or creepy to compliment them on it? It’s like they want their asses to be seen, but they don’t want anyone to actually look at them. And definitely not mention them; even if there are bright neon words emblazoned all across them. :rolleyes:
Plenty of women don’t strongly object to ‘nice ass’ or variants. I get it a lot and usually I’m not ‘creeped out’, though I do think it’s in poor taste to just come out with it like that and from strangers when I’m alone, it can be uncomfortable/threatening.
Breasts and hips are very sexually charged areas of every woman’s body and normal people refrain from alluding to a particular woman’s assets (heh), to her face in polite company. In a casual situation, maybe it’s just the people I know/work with, but anything goes…
The eyes, on the other hand, are the window to the soul. 
But I would never compliment the eyes or any other body part/physical feature of a man unless I was macking on him, which doesn’t happen, cause I’m not single. Women I go full steam ahead, since I don’t come off as gay.
I don’t think it’s as much of a problem to say a guy is “handsome” than it is to say a girl is “beautiful”. This may just be me, but I’m almost positive it’s women more than men who take offense at compliments to their bodies, if a female says I look handsome, I have to resist the urge to go all “Buzz Lightyear” on 'em (sometimes it still sneaks out a little though :D). I have noticed though, that ladies don’t want compliments unless you’ve been on at least one date (and not just a coffee date mind you), off-handedly you may get away with “oh, you look pretty today”, or “you look nice”, still both of those would be in reference to the outfit they’ve chosen to wear (I’d also wouldn’t do it without knowing whether or not they’re attracted to me in any way).
This is branching more into my opinion than anything else, but I do believe the reason why such things are so touchy is merely because comments that are aimed more at the body than the clothes seem far more sexual in nature. however, I would never take such a thing as offensive, if it were legal, I’d whip my schlong out and ask her if she likes the size too :D. In fact, I’ve only known women to find this sort of thing offensive, I’ve never heard a guy complain about a lady who said he was “good looking”,…I’m still young though, so it could happen one day…
I think this is one of the problems with it - there is no good response to “you’re beautiful” - what are you supposed to say? “Thank you” is inadequate, “I know” or “thanks for noticing” are arrogant, “no I’m not” is self-depreciating and kind of insulting to the complimenter. Most of the possible responses also imply that you *know *you’re really attractive and that that is somehow a quality that reflects positively on you as a person - as if you had anything to do with it.
It’s the same reason that “you did a really good job on that project” or “wow, you got an A on that exam, nice work” are acceptable comments but “you’re really smart” or “you must have a really high IQ” aren’t. The former are things that you did, the latter are things that you just are. And again, there would be no good response to comments like that.
Of course, it’s not like I’m regularly getting compliments about my overwhelming beauty or my giant brains, so maybe I just don’t have the experience to know how to deal with it.
Amaamika, I don’t know , because I’m wont to do the same thing. It’s like looking at a beautiful picture or hearing some stirring music. If the person responsible for my reaction is nearby, I want to let them know. Admiration for beauty shouldn’t be weird.
Stopped in traffic one time, there was a guy next to us in a small convertable, wearing a Simon Cowell-like T shirt and shades. He was looking fine.
I rolled down my window and said, “You look like a model. Like you should be in GQ.”
He didn’t say, “Leave me alone, you old, fat pig.” (I was 20 or 30 years older than him.) He said, “You think so? Thanks, I 'ppreciate it.” And grinned from ear to ear.
That’s the way it should be.