I seriously want to know the answer to this. Seems only natural to show appreciation when a woman has taken care to get her hair styled attractively, or something. But I guess you can’t take it for granted just because it seems natural; better to be cautious & make sure first.
What is natural rarely meets with the approval of society.
I think this is far more a matter of opinion than anything that can be answered concretely.
My answer: It depends.
It depends on the tone of voice, on the manner in which the compliment is offered.
If I’m walking down the street and am greeted with catcalls and whistles, that seems sexist to me. If a waiter tells me that I have beautiful eyes, then it’s not. The first one is looking at me as an object, while the second has paid attention and actually looked at more than my breasts, legs or ass.
The first one I will either ignore or flip off, the second I will thank.
Actually, I would not be so comfortable with a stranger telling me I have beautiful eyes–it sounds too much like a pickup line to me.
I think a good rule of thumb is,if you wouldn’t say it to a male friend/co-worker, it’s probably not the best thing to say (or at least not the best way to say it). If a male friend of yours got all spiffed up one day, or got a really becoming haircut/new pair of glasses, etc. you might say, “Hey, Rich, you look nice today,” or “Nice glasses!” Or maybe even, “I like that suit–that color looks good on you.” You wouldn’t say, “Boy, you look sexy.” Or any variant thereof. I would also be sensitive to the kinds of compliments you normally give to women–sometimes people compliment men on the quality of their work and their accomplishments, and then only compliment women on their looks. Most people who do this honestly don’t realize it, and have trouble understanding what the problem is when it’s pointed out to them.
Now, there are those who object that women are different from men, so it’s hardly shocking to treat them differently, and if a woman looks sexy, well, what’s wrong with telling her? My answer, for what it’s worth, is that the difference between men and women really only becomes an issue when you’re having sex with someone. If you aren’t a)trying to have sex with someone b)currently in bed with someone or c)involved in an intimate relationship with said someone then gender isn’t really an issue when it comes to deciding what’s polite. If you wouldn’t like it said to you in a given situation, then don’t say it.
I’m glad you’re thinking about the issue, whatever conclusion you come to.
<slightly off topic anecdote>
Around the time of the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill thing, I was tending bar, when this older gentleman comes up and says, “Now, what can I say to a lady bartender that won’t get me in trouble?” Thinking he was being amusing, you know. I said, “How about, ‘Hello, Bartender.’” He thought that was funny, and proceeded to ask me how a martini was like a woman’s breasts. (One is too few and three is too many. He was, as you may have guessed, ordering his second martini). Hell, he was old, and the elderly have earned some amount of patience and respect. And I needed the job. And if I’d given him my lecture, he would have completely failed to understand. I have higher expectations for younger folks, though.
Yeah, it depends on the environment and the situation. In the workplace, “Nice suit!” or even “You look great today!” is probably just fine. But “You look sexy!” isn’t, because sexiness implies some kind of physical attraction, and whether you actually feel it for this person or not, it’s inappropriate to introduce that sort of comment into the workplace.
Also, and this I’m sure is totally obvious, but any sort of pejorative term for, er, physical assets, is right out. Examples: “Nice tits!”, “That shirt makes your knockers look great!”, or “Hey, that’s a tight ass you have there!”
Hmm, perhaps I should not be posting under the influence of too much Diet Coke.
It’s sexist if the compliment is made when you’re staring down my dress. But at a bar, that’s the whole reason I wear a low neckline, to get sexist compliments. At work, no matter what I’m wearing, I don’t want sexist compliments, but if you aren’t leering when you say it, I won’t take it as sexist.
So, if one of my female coworkers is wearing a really kick-ass blouse, and I say, “Hey, nice blouse,” that’s cool, right? But if I start yelling out in the street about how nice the girl across the streets hooters are, that’s sexist?
Yes, I exaggerate, but the point is the intent. If I’m saying it with an eye to seeing you naked after work, then that’s inappropriate. But if I honestly like your blouse, or new glasses, or whatever, then that should be cool.
BTW, if I ever say anything that offends people, I fully expect to be called on it. I’m not PC at all, so chances are I’ve offended a few in my time. So if my female coworkers think something I’ve said to them is offensive, they should come to me and take it up with me. The way I see it, it’s the 21st century, and both sides of this issue should be over it by now… It’s all so Last century somehow…
It’s not just the guy’s actions and words that inform the woman’s reaction to a compliment, either. Sometimes, how a woman takes a compliment has a lot to do with how comfortable she is in her own skin. As a guy, you could give the same exact compliment to two women (“You look really nice today.”) and receive completely different reactions (“Thank you.” “What, and I look like shit every other day?”). Some women are completely uncomfortable in their bodies (this has nothing to do with how “attractive” they are) and, as a result, just can’t take a compliment that has anything to do with their physical appearance.
And sometimes it has to do with environment: “Lookin’ sexy!” is out of line for work, but if I’m at the bar and wearing a tight shirt with a Playboy[sup]TM[/sup] bunny on it, I might give you some leeway. 
Not in my nightmares would I compliment a woman on her looks at work.
Welcome to the 21st century.
It depends on the situation and the people. At work, I have an older boss (he’s about 60, I’m 30). He reminds me of my dad- so sweet and nice. He calls me “honey” and “dear” routinely, and I don’t mind at all. He also told me (after a long absence) “It’s so nice to see your pretty, smiling face back here. We missed you!” He is totally sincere, and I don’t even get the slightest creeps from it.
On the other hand, there is a guy here who just looks at me and I get the major creeps. If he complimented me in any way, I would be very uncomfortable.
In a nutshell, I’m a married woman and I don’t generally appreciate the “You look beautiful/sexy” or “Nice ass” compliments. I do appreciate the “nice suit” or “nice hair” complements. As long as they aren’t meant in a sexual way, I’m OK with compliments.
Zette
I was not even thinking of the wolf-whistle-contruction-worker-stereotype-hey-baby-you’re-sexy kind of thing. (That some of you brought it up shows how important it is to get other people’s points of view.) I just do not have it in me to behave like that.
I thought of this question when I was in the supermarket checkout line and the sweet-faced young cashier from Afghanistan had her long wavy brown hair partly in braids wrapped around her head and the rest hanging down loose. She looked simply lovely. I was wondering if it would be offensive to tell her she looked great. That’s all.
If all else fails…there is the sister/mom perspective to fall back on. Would you want someone to say that statement to your sister or mom?
This works unless
As others have often said, I think you have to take into account a number of factors, including the person you intend to compliment, the nature of the compliment, and the paticular situation.
If I’m in a meeting or hearing or court, for example, I don’t appreciate anyone saying I look nice. (I mean, I’m nice about it, but I don’t particularly like it.) In a situation where I am appearing professionally, I think that drawing attention to my appearance (even in a positive way) is a distraction from what I was sent there to do, and I’m always very aware that I have never, not once, heard a male lawyer (or judge) tell another male lawyer that he looks nice. How I look should be largely irrelevant, assuming I’m clean, neat, and professional-looking. So if the woman is doing her job (and actively), comments about her appearance may not be welcome because they are irrelevant to that job and to how she is doing it. This even goes for cashiers. It is also worth noting that not every culture appreciates personal compliments to the same extent, or takes them the same way. In some cultures, any personal compliment to a woman may be taken as “hitting on her” or being disrespectful of her, and therefor is an offense.
With all due respect to the OP and his good intentions, I think that a situation where (a) the woman is actively working; (b) the woman is not of the same culture as you; and © yo don’t know the woman from a hole in the ground might be a really bad time to come across with a compliment, however sincerely meant.
I don’t care who a woman is, if I like something she wears or does with her hair I let her know.
Most of the time It’s okay as long as a guy doesn’t stand there staring at her. Or after giving a compliment stands there expecting her to give him her phone number.
If a woman has on a real low cut blouse & you can see quite a lot of her boobs, it’s impolite to say, ‘what nice natural boobs you have.’ Instead you say, ‘I like that blouse’
I think I take offense if it seems too sexual.
The wording, like handy said, is important.
I think if you say “pretty” the compliment seems a lot more benign than “sexy.”
I would love people telling me that I look pretty all day, but “sexy” would make me uncomfortable.
Even at a bar, I would prefer a man to call me pretty than sexy.
<Chris Rock>
The only difference between sexual harassment and a complement is that the man has to be ugly for it to be sexual harassment.
</Chris Rock>
Think about it. If George Clooney (sp?) goes up to some girl and tells them they have a nice body, can you see charges being filed?
So it’s ok to objectify your eyes, but not for your ass, legs, or breasts? Or are you saying that it’s not objectification to notice pretty eyes, but it is to notice a pretty ass or nice legs?
Really, what’s the difference? Why is it ok to notice one body part, but not others?
JOE COOL, the obvious difference is that by staring at a woman’s breasts, butt, or legs, a man is almost always noticing her in a sexual sense. Not so (or not necessarily so) if a man notices a woman’s eyes or hair. Is this a generalization? Sure. But one that I hope we can agree is probably correct most of the time. I’ve never had a man admire my breasts in a way that could be construed as non-sexual.
Maybe if instead you stammered and spilled your money all over the place she would get the message. Or if there was more than one cashier and others were open and she said “you can check out over there” and you say “but I want to be in YOUR line”.
Actually I don’t compliment people that I’m not at least somewhat familiar with. Doesn’t stop me from looking into their eyes and smiling, though. Or maybe saying “Hi”.
At work I’m stingy with my compliments, but I do make them.
No.
Although this dosne’t really apply to a lady in a store, I think that in many cases it is hte overall pattern that matters more than any one incident. For instance, if I worked with a man who tended to compliment freely about all kinds of things: Good job there! Nice Car! Good thinking!, well then, comments on looks would seem natural and be appriciated. On the other hand, if I worked with a man who never said anything about anything except to say “nice skirt” whenever someone wore a skirt knee-lengh or shorter, well then, I would at least suspect him of sexism.
As a caveat: a man who is obviously interested in clothes is almost always OK when commenting on clothes. I have several (straight-don’t wink at me!) male friends who take pride in being sharp dressers and I have noticed they tend to comment on cool clothes and no one ever takes offence. I think that’s because it is believable that they really are looking at the shirt, not the tits.