I have trouble with people commenting on my weight, even when they think they’re complimenting me. “You look good – have you lost weight?” I’m sure I’m overly sensitive about it, but many people who struggle with their weight are. If you thought a friend had put on some weight, you wouldn’t ask her, would you? I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it.
I saw a friend a couple of weeks ago and she told me I looked pretty. That’s all. And it made me feel good. She didn’t inquire about my weight or tell me my skin had cleared up or ask me if I’d colored my hair. She made me feel good for the rest of the day.
Well, Becky I have already decided when I get old and gray I will say whatever I want, including “You’re beautiful” if I bloody well feel like saying it.
I also feel awkward commenting on someone’s weight. If I know they are working to lose it, and it shows, then I have no problem with saying “Hey - the regimen’s working!” But a neighboring colleague I think just had that gastric bypass surgery, and has dropped a ton of weight. I haven’t said a thing to her, even though it is obvious (her head actually looks a little too big for her body, because it happened so suddenly and startlingly).
It’s rather like the beauty situation. Commenting on weight when they have been working to get it off is a compliment on the hard work. When they just had surgery…or god forbid, people commented on my weight a lot the couple of weeks after my mother died. Thanks, I haven’t been eating much of anything, so naturally I dropped weight!
I don’t make weight comments either. Because “Wow! You look great!” implies that, before I lost 30 pounds, I looked like ass. Thanks. If I know the person has been working out a lot or carefully watching their diet, I will either ask for work out tips or recipes. That implies “Obviously what you’ve been doing is working. Care to share some of your knowledge?” I hope.
The short answer to your question, why is that A is rude and B is not?, is, as they say, “cultcha.” Culture, if you prefer. Very little about culture is objectively rational; though usually it has its own internal logic.
In American culture, we value our achievments but are supposed to be humble about native talents or features. If I had to guess I would say it is related to the fact that the US was founded by fairly strict Protestant religious orders that frowned on showy displays of natural ability, but placed a high value on effort and group identity. Not just the Puritans, but also the Shakers, Quakers and Anabaptists, all believed that individuals should be plain and humble in outward appearances and not be vain about anything, but particularly not about things which took no effort (essentially, all inborn talents and physical looks).
Thus, being naturally beautiful is not the sort of thing you are supposed to get a compliment on except from a very very intimate friend. As others have noted, we have no cultural script for handling that compliment. (uhhh… thanks…?) You feel awkward because its Not the Done Thing, and because you are making the other person feel awkward with no way to respond. As you noted, you yourself have not taken something as a compliment, if you felt the result (weight loss) was not because of your own effort.
I would say that calling people beautiful when the relationship does not match cultural norms for saying that is not good etiquette, if it makes them uncomfortable.
When I get “you’re beautiful” from a stranger or acquaintance, I say “Wow, what a nice thing to say! Thanks.” My response is actually the same thing I’d say if someone complimented my shoes or purse. It feels natural to me because I’m using their compliment as a springboard to compliment their niceness.
I usually don’t find “you’re beautiful” awkward as much as I find it unexpectedly personal. So it can throw me off balance and make me a little embarrassed if I’m in a setting where flirting normally doesn’t take place or if the person doesn’t strike me as type who’d be hitting on me.
IMO give a compliment but leave additional commentary unsaid.
The other day a woman who works in my building asked me when I was due. I told her here in about 3 weeks and she exclaimed, “Oh wow, you look beautiful! I can’t believe you are so far along!” I smiled and thanked her, feeling very happy about the compliment when she decided to add, “Well, you’re heavy so I guess it doesn’t show as much on you.”
Yeah, women seem to react negatively to being told they’re beautiful a lot more than men. It’s not that strange. Most likely, all they really want is to get through lunch break without being hit on by someone for once in their lives. Beauty can be a curse. If I see a beautiful women, these days I usually try to do her a favor and shut the hell up about it.
I think it has to do with how private the item you’re refering to is.
If someone comments that they like my handbag, or my outfit is really cute or whatever, that’s fairly impersonal - the person could go and buy the same bag, or the same outfit.
If someone comments on my body…well, that’s a bit different, isn’t it? If I’m shaped like Jessica Rabbit, bully for me, but not only is there not much I can do about it (no amount of exercise is going to turn me into Cameron Diaz), there’s not much the speaker can do about it either. It’s just a bit too personal.
As far as telling a woman she has a ‘nice ass.’ Well, I’ve been told that before. I guess it’s fine in some circumstances to comment on a woman’s body - if you’re dating, for instance. ‘Nice ass’ is just an incredibly classless way to do so.
I just always assumed that such a compliment comes across as hitting on them, and there are plenty of situations where such is inappropriate. A specific complement might be real, but a generic one is likely just an attempt to get into your pants.
I believe this in part because I’ve never heard of a proscription on using handsome when referring to guys–except by straight men, who are not supposed to notice those things in other men.
I know this is an old thread, but it fits well enough for the question I want to ask, so I’m going to bump it rather than start a new thread. Hope you don’t mind, OP.
I went out to breakfast a few weeks ago and a lady that sat near me had the most beautiful gray hair. She was maybe 55 years old or so. I wanted to approach her on my way out just to tell her how beautiful I thought her hair was, but I didn’t because I wasn’t sure how it would be received. I’m female and 55 myself, btw.
So I ask you guys, is it creepy if I pay compliments to strangers? I have told retail clerks that I find them beautiful. These are usually young girls that are waiting on me though.
So should a person not compliment a complete stranger? I always thought it was a good thing, but reading this, maybe not. And does it make a difference if they are waiting on you or not, I guess. It’s such a small town, I may very well see the lady with the pretty gray hair again, so I’d love to know if I should pay her the compliment.
I have hair that kind of stands out (blonde, long-ish and very curly), and I get compliments about it from strangers quite a lot. It’s usually fine, and not creepy at all. Like purplehorseshoe says, a quick “You have such pretty hair” is nice, “Oh my God, I hate my hair, I’m so jealous” and “Can I touch it?” cross the line into creepy.
I missed this thread when it first came out, but I’d still like to say that the OP is a really astute observation that belongs to a component of the area of my graduate studies, speech act theory, particularly the sociology of speech acts.
What everyone has pretty well touched upon upthread is technically referred to as face-saving, something that girds most of the sociological dimensions of speech acts. In other words, in just about any illocutionary or perlocutionary act a speaker engages in (convincing, impressing, complimenting, etc.), most often it is done in a way that is highly constrained by codes of the particular social group in which it occurs so as to save face of the other person. So even in the act of complimenting someone, you already are structuring and shaping the compliment so as to preserve the face of the person you compliment, in anticipation of the prescribed responses that are coded for that social group. You give them an acceptable “out” by how you phrase the compliment.
Of course, as noted above, this totally depends on the context (work, romance, etc.), as every social group has differing codes for differing contexts. According to the codes of the work place or similar situation that the OP is referring to, saying, “You’re beautiful” to someone sets them up (by the only responses available to them) to appear conceited–there just isn’t an appropriate response in the workplace discourse of this social group. “What a nice dress!”, on the other hand, has several appropriate responses coded for this particular environment that will save face for the recipient of the compliment. So, ironically, the reason why we don’t typically say, “You’re gorgeous!” to our co-workers is out of consideration for them.
While Anaamika wishes people wouldn’t have to do this, (and also wants a pony), there’s not much we can do make the rules of compliments simpler or more straightforward–for this particular society, at least. These practices have been around for a long time and are deeply engrained.
This doesn’t just happen with compliments, BTW. When you’re giving advice or trying to change someone’s mind, for example, you build anticipatory face-saving guidelines (consciously or unconsciously) into the way you do that, too.
I don’t understand why anyone feels that they have to say more than “Thank you” when someone pays them a compliment. I used to try to do that, but I realized it was ridiculous. A simple “Thank you” and a sincere smile is plenty, and if you practice it enough, you’ll start to learn to accept the compliment with grace, and maybe even believe it.
