Why am I such a cold person?

I have been betrayed by a lot of people in my life. I know this sounds lame, but I really think it started when I was 16 and my girlfriend cheated on me - first with my neighbor (who was a real loser), and then with my friend’s older brother (who was a real moron). Man it hurt. She and I never had any arguments. Nothing happened. I think she just became a sex maniac and wanted to really see who else she could get, and feel sexy, and so on.

Two of my best friends in high school stopped taking to me one day. We did not have an argument. Nothing happened. I suspect they may have felt like my life was totally different from theirs because they were kind of dorky and I was going out with girls and they really liked me. But it still hurt to lose them.

I’ve got more stories. Don’t we all? This has made me a very cold person. I don’t give people 2nd chances. Ever. Once someone attempts to screw me, or does screw me, or I am pretty certain will try to screw me, I totally shut down. I don’t care who they are. I will stop talking to anyone. I’ve done this to people I’ve known for decades. as soon as they do something to harm me, that’s it. I walk away. I filter their emails so they go right to my trash. I don’t return calls. I remove them as a friend on FB.

I am now 40 years old. I am married to the one girl who I met who never did anything - consciously - to harm me. I have very few friends, but I doubt if any would help me move or come to my funeral. The ones that I do have are much like me. They are very well-educated, very accomplished, but they “hate people.” Isn’t that funny? A bunch of us all “hate people” and yet we are friends.

I am afraid to make new friends. I know that it is just a matter of time until they screw me over. I am afraid to make business deals or engage in partnerships because everything always seems to fall apart. It’s just a matter of time.

Is everyone crazy? Is everyone manipulative and conniving? Is everyone really just out for himself or herself?

Or is it me? I admit I am cold as ice inside, but no one would really know it until the day I turn from them. I am actually a successful comedy writer! I have been since I was 23. I make people laugh. I smile a lot.

I always thought I would be a good friend to someone. I am a good listener. I have lots of ideas. I motivate a lot of people. I have encouraged a lot of people to do good things with their lives and they have thanked me. But, with the exception of my wife, I really don’t have anyone I can count on.

I don’t know how to break this. I’ve tried a few times and it’s always ended badly. For example, I once helped a guy out who worked for me. I liked him. We were friendly. I loaned him $300 for a bill. He took forever to NOT pay me back. When I confronted him about it he asked me for a raise. He said that if I gave him a raise then he could pay be back quicker. That’s the kind of crap I deal with. So it can’t be me. It’s not like I am an asshole. I’ve just maybe never met the right people.

I have a bunch of emails that I saved but never read from people I stopped talking to. They are probably wondering what on earth happened. I just don’t want to open them. I don’t give people second chances. Should I? Sometimes I stop talking to people over things that are probably silly, minor or over things that they probably did not even know they did.

I am the warmest guy anyone could meet, and yet I have ice water running through my veins.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Call this tough love.

Yes, we do all have stories of betrayal. I was sexually abused by my adopted father and most of the people in my family didn’t believe me, and the people who did believe me blamed me. The mother of my stepbrother and sisters refused to let me see them ever again and I haven’t seen them since. My Mom stayed married to him for six years after I told her, and pressured me to forgive/forget. She admitted later that she basically suspected what was happening at the time it was happening and chose to look the other way. I legally emancipated at age 17 and got really depressed and lost all my friends, because nobody wants to hang out with a downer. I felt completely alone.

Just so you know where I’m coming from.

You’re 40 years old. How much of your life do you want to waste on bitterness? Because what it comes down to is a conscious choice. You either let those experiences dictate your behavior, or you decide what kind of person you want to be and be that person, regardless of what happens to you or what other people do. Pretty much everyone in your life, including your beloved wife, are going to let you down at some point. That’s because they are not superhuman. It’s not like I’m blameless. I’ve hurt people too. Not on purpose, maybe, but I’ve hurt people too. And so have you, if you are willing to be honest with yourself. You’re just as fallible as everybody else.

People do fucked up things because someone did fucked up things to them. At some point somebody has to stand up and say, I am going to be the one to break the cycle. Part of your problem is that you have unrealistic expectations. If you’re going to have a friendship, or invest yourself in a relationship, you have to go in knowing that at some point it’s going to hurt. That’s just the reality of life. Hopefully you realize that the benefits will outweigh the drawbacks and you do it anyway. People are so, so afraid of emotional pain that they will live in a prison of their own design rather than going out and living life, but the reality is, emotional pain is an inescapable part of life. It will find you wherever you’re living so you might as well take some risks.

Now, if I could do some armchair psychologizing for a moment, if I had to guess, the reason you are so afraid of other people is because a part of you wonders if you somehow brought your girlfriend’s betrayal upon yourself. It’s the rejection you fear more than the betrayal. That could be wrong, it’s just that I lost a very, very good friend right around the same time everything else was going down and I was so bitter about it I vacillated between hating him, and by extension, all people, and examining my own behavior to determine what I had done to drive him away. It took years for me to be able to accept that I was not really that great of a friend at the time, not only to accept it but to forgive myself because goddammit, I was a 17 year old kid going through hell and at some point something’s gotta give.

I hope I haven’t been too presumptuous here. My point is, you make a choice. Now that you are consciously aware of the problem you have the power to choose differently. And I really hope you choose to open your heart because I think deep down that is what will make you the happiest and you know it or else you wouldn’t have started this thread.

I feel for you, but if I had an answer I’d be in a much better place. If it wasn’t for my wife I would be a troll. I think that these issues have delayed my finding a new job. I just don’t have the connections, professional or personal that could help in my hunt. I see “friends” for holidays out of habit. I see family at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I see the inlaws a lot but 2/3rd’s of them don’t particularly like me. Don’t belong to any social organizations.

I just have a deep distrust of people in general. I have very low self worth.

In my experience, unfortunately everyone really is out for themselves. I never really felt an understanding of the world or my place in it. Just wanted to say that you aren’t the only one who feels this way even though it may seem like you are.

People screwed you over and disappointed you? Welcome to life.
People took advantage? Welcome to the human race.

Want things to change?

Step 1: Realize this is all self indulgence.
Step 2: Get over yourself.

At some point, maybe consider being a doormat is better than a friendless loner.

No, I’m not sure why I said that, I can’t tell if that’s real advice or not. But this is:

Everyone you meet is meeting you for the first time. Your experiences with being screwed mean nothing to them. They don’t know you, so your biggest mistake is pretending every single person you meet is somehow like the people you’ve met. Treat everyone as if its your first experience. If they screw up, find out why. Then you’ll be in a better position to determine the likelihood of them doing that again

At one level or another at work and socially I feel like I have been betrayed by nearly everyone I have even become somewhat close to. Mostly minor betrayals but never the less I still felt betrayed. I don’t feel biterness, I just feel like I limit the amount of trust I put in anyone. Multiple friends have come on to my wife especially when we seperated, giving her info I had confided in them for instance. At work betrayals seem to bother me most where over a period of years we take someone under our wing and bring them up only to have them attempt to cut your throat later. So far I came out on top each time but it became harder for me to take young people under my wing. Just life I guess.

Lotsa folks with your personality characteristics that didn’t suffer the things you did but still feel like you do.

Lotsa folks who suffered what you did and far worse, and don’t feel like you do, too.

So who knows why people feel the way they do? It’s usually not necessary to know, even when it’s possible. Get some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and see if you can fix what you want to fix in your life today.

Another vote for CBT…at this point in your life, you are hurting yourself more than most of those who had hurt you.

I used to feel that way too. Then I turned 15.

You sound a lot like my husband! I’m so grateful that he was able to open his heart to me the way he did.

Mr. smaje has a tough time making friends, because many of his old friends “betrayed” him, similar to how you’ve described. I’ve had a couple of friend betray me too, and I had to cut them out of my life. But I’m always willing to test out new friendships.

Maybe part of the problem is the people you’re becoming friends with. If you’re desperate for friends, sometimes jerks will use that to their advantage (like the guy you lent $300 to). I can’t imagine any of my friends asking me for $300, unless we were old friends and verrrry close.

Do you and your wife have any “couple” friends? Are you willing to let her set you up with friends? As is, she arranges to have you all go out to dinner with a girlfriend of hers and her friend’s significant other? Give that a try! Also, try immersing yourself in a hobby/sport you love and meet friends that way.

Making friends at 40 isn’t easy – you have to make a real effort. Good luck!

Actually there’s a different evidence-based therapy that I think would be even better for him, but for the life of me I can’t remember the name. It’s all about improving your life through social connections. I’ll get back to you on this.

Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT).

It is typically used to treat Major Depressive Disorder but it sounds to me like it would do the OP some major good.

That’s not an opinion…and I doubt that it’s honest either.:rolleyes:

Par for the course, BR; par for the course.

Why is anyone the way they are? It doesn’t matter. What matters is being a better person, or more importantly being the person you want to be. If you want to be a cold motherfucker with no friends who doesn’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt–ever–then continue doing what you’ve been doing.

If you want to change, seek therapy.

i connect best with humans when i have an animal present. i hug my dog and the oxytocin surges and ostensibly influences my desire to bond with humans…

This is basically what I was trying to say, only you said it much more clearly.

You’ve been further down that path than I have, so you’re coming from a position of greater knowledge. <3

Another vote for therapy, and for taking risks and reaching out. It doesn’t sound like the ways you have learned to protect yourself are working out for you. It doesn’t sound like you want to be cold.

There are wonderful warm people worth bring friends with all over the place, including right here. Nothing you are protecting is more worth having in your life than they would be.

Keep trying, and good luck!

I am not distrustful of people, but I too become easily wary and tired of them. The complications of people and relationships just wear me down after all…blotting out all the good. I can really like a person and then the smallest infraction or flaw will make me long for their death. Everyone I work with has been murdered a million times over in my head for this reason. I am just not a sociable person. And I don’t even have a sad story explaining why this is.

I started therapy when I realized my personality was disordered and reading all the mutations of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” wasn’t doing anything for me. As much as I think I have benefited from this help, though, I have to say that it has not “cured” me. I am still as fundamentally detached as I was when I first got diagnosed. But the difference is that I am no longer consumed with as much self-hatred… I realize that despite what the peanut gallery may think, I did not choose my personality. I am not a bad person just because I’m cool and aloof. People are bad when they do bad things, not because they have “bad” thoughts and feelings. As long as I stay conscientious about my actions, then I am not going to beat myself up (too much). I don’t think you should either.

Like you, I have a good sense of humor. For years I thought my funnybone was proof that I am a big phony (and thus, even more despicable), but I have come to understand that comedy often arises from detachment and a certain “outside” perspective. It also is an excellent defense mechanism. You are probably funny BECAUSE of your personality, not despite it.