I have been betrayed by a lot of people in my life. I know this sounds lame, but I really think it started when I was 16 and my girlfriend cheated on me - first with my neighbor (who was a real loser), and then with my friend’s older brother (who was a real moron). Man it hurt. She and I never had any arguments. Nothing happened. I think she just became a sex maniac and wanted to really see who else she could get, and feel sexy, and so on.
Two of my best friends in high school stopped taking to me one day. We did not have an argument. Nothing happened. I suspect they may have felt like my life was totally different from theirs because they were kind of dorky and I was going out with girls and they really liked me. But it still hurt to lose them.
I’ve got more stories. Don’t we all? This has made me a very cold person. I don’t give people 2nd chances. Ever. Once someone attempts to screw me, or does screw me, or I am pretty certain will try to screw me, I totally shut down. I don’t care who they are. I will stop talking to anyone. I’ve done this to people I’ve known for decades. as soon as they do something to harm me, that’s it. I walk away. I filter their emails so they go right to my trash. I don’t return calls. I remove them as a friend on FB.
I am now 40 years old. I am married to the one girl who I met who never did anything - consciously - to harm me. I have very few friends, but I doubt if any would help me move or come to my funeral. The ones that I do have are much like me. They are very well-educated, very accomplished, but they “hate people.” Isn’t that funny? A bunch of us all “hate people” and yet we are friends.
I am afraid to make new friends. I know that it is just a matter of time until they screw me over. I am afraid to make business deals or engage in partnerships because everything always seems to fall apart. It’s just a matter of time.
Is everyone crazy? Is everyone manipulative and conniving? Is everyone really just out for himself or herself?
Or is it me? I admit I am cold as ice inside, but no one would really know it until the day I turn from them. I am actually a successful comedy writer! I have been since I was 23. I make people laugh. I smile a lot.
I always thought I would be a good friend to someone. I am a good listener. I have lots of ideas. I motivate a lot of people. I have encouraged a lot of people to do good things with their lives and they have thanked me. But, with the exception of my wife, I really don’t have anyone I can count on.
I don’t know how to break this. I’ve tried a few times and it’s always ended badly. For example, I once helped a guy out who worked for me. I liked him. We were friendly. I loaned him $300 for a bill. He took forever to NOT pay me back. When I confronted him about it he asked me for a raise. He said that if I gave him a raise then he could pay be back quicker. That’s the kind of crap I deal with. So it can’t be me. It’s not like I am an asshole. I’ve just maybe never met the right people.
I have a bunch of emails that I saved but never read from people I stopped talking to. They are probably wondering what on earth happened. I just don’t want to open them. I don’t give people second chances. Should I? Sometimes I stop talking to people over things that are probably silly, minor or over things that they probably did not even know they did.
I am the warmest guy anyone could meet, and yet I have ice water running through my veins.
I don’t know what to do about it.