One-sided 'friendships'

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m sorry. I know that your life seems to consist of nothing but strife, chaos, stress, disorder, and near disasters. I know you need help, lots of it, pretty much all the time.

But I’ve really had all I can take of it.

I’ve helped out, over and over, helping to bail you out of fixes with time and effort and money. I’ve listened to ghod knows how many hours of you venting and complaining and ‘sharing’ and tried my best to be supportive and understanding, even though a bunch of your problems seem self-inflicted to me. (You’ve gone back to him AGAIN? Why in the world do you think this time it will work better than the other FIVE times??)

The thing is, I am not your keeper. And I’m especially not your therapist. We are FRIENDS. That is supposed to be a give and take thing, and it seems to me that all I’ve done is give and give and give, and you never reciprocate in any way.

Okay, I know your financial situation, and I certainly don’t expect money from you. And you’re busy, so I don’t expect you to help me when some time-consuming shit hits my fan. But why can’t you even do the listening some times? Yeah, my life may be better than yours, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Sometimes I would like to mention a problem I have, and get support or sympathy or something, anything,] other than the equivalent of “So your boss is making you work overtime all week? Well, MY boss beats me barbed wire every day, and look at my scars, and could you take care of my children for three weeks so I can go to Minnesota and take care of my sick mother-in-law, and my lawn needs mowing, and could you run to the store to get groceries because otherwise I won’t be able to make supper for Howard and then he’ll leave me and…”

I know, I know. You have bad situations. It’s just, well, I’m tired of it. I’ve started not picking up your calls, and the other week when I spotted your car in the parking lot at the Stop & Shop I kept driving and went to the Star market instead just so I woudn’t risk running into you in the store.

Which I guess makes me a bad person. :frowning:
Tell me, am I the only one who feels like this? Have you ever, well, eased your way out of a relationship like this?

2

Ha- sounds like you met one of my old friends. I gave up after a few months. Good luck with that!

3

Several times. I don’t have the energy in my life for ‘friends’ like that. When I find out someone is a ‘it’s all about my crisis of the day’ drama queen then I either cut them out of my life entirely or limit my interactions to when I have the energy to deal with it.

4

I just ended a nearly 20 year friendship that I realized I was putting all the effort into and getting nothing back. It was very, very hard, and I still miss her… the person she used to be in the early years of the friendship. She changed so drastically in the last 6 or 7 years I did not recognize the person she had become.

Sometimes you have to do things that really, really suck.

5

You’re not a bad person; you’re just looking out for your sanity. Let the person know that you’ve had enough of their problems and lay it out clearly with an ultimatum. If that doesn’t work, move on.

6

I could have written the OP. My life is much more peaceful now that I don’t have to deal with the drama queen and his/her/its self-inflicted “poor me” drama.

One telling difference, though: After one particularly annoying encounter in which I nearly bit my tongue off, I decided to simply stop initiating contact and see how long it took for them to pick up the phone, or e-mail, or stop by.

One year. After that, nothing. Made it pretty clear that I was the one doing all the “work” in that “friendship.”

Look up the term “emotional vampires” sometime. I suspect many of us will recognize our former friends.

7

I have a theory about users. There are two kinds of users. One is the strong obvious (to anyone but the used), usually a guy, that just takes advantage at every turn. They are powerful, sometimes abusive. They are emotionally unavailable. They give crumbs of themselves, while taking huge, shark-bites of their chosen prey.

Then there are the weak users. I find these much worse, because they are so much more insidious. They do share feelings, they are always in need. They need your time, your shoulder to cry on, your money, even your friends. They are bottomless pits of need. They are emotional vampires. If you let them they will suck the life right out of you.

I’ve had both kinds in my life. The first kind was easy to get rid of, self-esteme is all one needs to scrape them off. The second is so much more difficult to scrape off. They, somehow, can make you feel like all their troubles are somehow your fault and responsibility.

Another reason they are harder to turn away from, is the reward we give ourselves for “helping.” We feel, secretly, superior. We are doing a good and noble thing. They give us the illusion that we are strong, when, in fact, we give in over and over.

The only way I’ve found to rid oneself of that weak user, is to walk away. Never speak to them again. Don’t explain. If you try, they will suck you back in.

8

Oh sure. You thought I must know your boyfriend was cheating on you, but I didn’t tell you and now it’s my fault that you could have got AIDS? Some friend I am. I had no idea, but “going to the barber shop” night after night because the barber never had time to cut his hair? Did I not suggest to you that if he’s out every night he’s just not spending time with you for whatever reason.

When some of your dogs were poisoned it seems I was at fault because you left them - nine dogs. Yes you had people coming to feed them twice a day, but it is common knowledge that people poison nuisance dogs around here, sometimes they’re fed up with the barking, sometimes they’re protecting their own livestock and sometimes they want to come back and rob you. Nobody told you? Nine dogs alone for a month? And you’re angry with the dog sitter? You thought it was free for dog control to pick up three huge dead dogs to bury? $55.00 sounds like a deal to me. The police weren’t much help? I did suggest you pack your valuables into the car and put it in storage - how bizarre that the police made a similar suggestion.

Oh, and when you sat outside your violent ex-boyfriends sisters house all night you though I should side with you when she sent the police around to caution you. Because you didn’t call the police when he beat you black and blue. Who would have thought that the police would already have an interest in you after they busted him. Did no-one tell you?

In other words StarvingButStrong driving past is good, caller ID is your friend.

9

I had a best friend all through junior high, high school and college. We were very close and came through an amazing cultural time together.

This friend had a terrible home life. His parents were two of the most monstrous people I’ve ever encountered in my life, and they inflicted untold damage on my friend.

As a consequence, his adult years have been filled with problems. My visits with him tapered off over the years, and I’ve not seen him for a couple of decades, though we still communicate online occasionally.

I realize that I have had a very lucky life in comparison with his. But I might still be his active and involved friend, and there to help him, if just once – JUST ONCE – in all of these years, he had expressed the slightest interest in my life.

I’m fine with an imbalance, given his situation relative to mine. I’m fine with listening to his problems and trying to help him through things. But our relationship consisted entirely of me doing this. And I’m talking 100 percent.

There has never been a time in all these years that he ever asked me a single question about my life. Our conversations were always 100 percent about his.

As bad as his life has been, words are still free. It would not have taken any monumental effort for him to do this…yet, he never once did.

10

I broke up with my best friend of many years because our friendship became so one-sided. I was there for her whenever she had a problem. She had a tumultuous relationship and talked my ear off about it. Frankly, a lot of it was not that interesting to me, but I was a good friend and offered my thoughts and sympathy and opinions. Eventually, I determined that not only was she incapable of doing the same for me, she couldn’t even listen to a short anecdote about something that had happened to me. I’d tell her what I was up to, and afterward, she would ask a question that indicated that she hadn’t been paying any attention at all. (Like, I told her about how I’d been in a car accident while driving my friend’s car, and her response was “oh, so you don’t have any wheels right now?” I was furious - not only was it clear she wasn’t paying attention to this particular story, she hadn’t been paying attention to my life at ALL, since I had been in a pretty bad accident that had totaled my own car a couple years previously, and had been without a car ever since. I mean, that’s REALLY oblivious.) After all of the support I had given her over the years, it was really infuriating.

The best part is that she would excuse all of this by reminding me that she was a narcissist. She was working on her doctorate in psychology at the time and had analyzed herself and come to the conclusion that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Instead of, I don’t know, doing anything about it, she would use it as an excuse for all of her completely self-centered behavior.

Breaking up was pretty easy because I had moved away and all I had to do was stop responding to her calls and emails. She didn’t get it at all, though - apparently she was still reading my LiveJournal because she called me up when I was at my parents’ house, right before I went into the Peace Corps, and tried to strike up a conversation. I hung up on her.

Ooooh, I’m still kind of ragey about this. I tend to be bad at holding grudges, but this one built up over years and I guess I’m still bitter.

Anyway, yes, you can dump a friend. It definitely improved my life.

11

Missed the edit window: I remember asking, “if you can’t listen to me, how are you going to listen to patients?” and she laughed and said “they’ll be paying me”.

Yeah, that made me feel awesome. Good riddance.

12

“If I gave you five bucks, could I tell you about the bad accident I was just in?”

I have sympathy for people who have a crappy friendship, but after a certain point, you do indeed have a responsibility to not waste all your time and energy on someone you know is not returning the favour. It doesn’t make you a bad person to not want to let a “friend” drain you dry, StarvingButStrong.

13

Thank you all for introducing me to the term ‘emotional vampire’. Strangely enough I had never come across this before, but it’s a brilliant way of summarising some people I have known. Excellent!

14

Emotional or psychic vampire, both terms mean the same thing.

These people are extremely bad for your mental health and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it other than cut them out of your life. This is sometimes difficult because you’re made to feel like you’re someone they depend on, so you feel guilty about the prospect of them losing a friend they really need. However a relationship based on someone permanently taking is not healthy for either person - cut them out immediately once you realise you’re in that relationship.

If you’re wrong and they really are a friend they’ll come to realise what they’ve done and will attempt to make amends. If they actually manage to do so (i.e. not use some kind of obvious guilt trip on you and say they’re willing to take you back after you abandoned them) then consider giving them a chance, but only if you want to.

The sad part about the OP is how the OPer feels like they’re the bad person in this, when to me it’s clearly not the case. Besides, you’re not obliged to be friends with anyone you don’t want to be, that’s the magic of adulthood.

15

Thank you all for the support, it makes me feel a lot better.

Picunurse, I’m sure there was some of that taking care of her made me feel good about myself going on. I also think there’s a lot of guilt in there, too. This woman was one of the first friends I made after college. You know, we were both freshly graduated, working crappy jobs for very little money, living in apartments furnished with hand-me-downs and scavenged discards.

But then, I got a better job, and she went through a series of crappy jobs, variously quitting and getting fired. I met and married a great guy. She got…well, Howard. She has a child with ADD/LD. She, well, let’s just say makes impulsive decisions that often turn out badly. I guess you could just summarize it that I’ve gotten good breaks that she didn’t, and she’s had ‘challenges’ that I haven’t had to face.

And if you’d met the two of then, I don’t think there would have been any reason to predict which of us would end up having the better life. So even though I know at least some of her difficulties are self caused, I still have lingering feelings that it’s all pretty unfair. Like I won the lottery and she lost, and how can I be so mean as to not share my good fortune with her? That kind of thing.

But, yeah, what mostly pushed me to wanting to end the relationship is that ‘I’m not interested in you’ vibe that Kyla pointed out. It’s like she sees me ony as someone to help her out, not a person to really relate to.

Anyway. I will run into this woman now and then, but I’ll do my best to keep our exchanges surface chatter only. And BRIEF!

16

You’re not alone.
You’re not a bad person.
You aren’t required to give endlessly of yourself, your time, your money or your resources.
You aren’t required to allow yourself to be guilted into doing so.
In fact it is strongly inadvisable of you to feel guilty about any of this.

It is not your fault.
It is not your problem.
It is not your job, or your responsibility.
It is not your life.

“Going quickly when ones tasks are finished
Is without blame.
But one must reflect on how much one may decrease others.”

I Ching Hexagram 41: Decrease, Nine in the Beginning.

In other words, helping people out when you’ve dealt with your own shit is blameless, but you have to think about how it might be harming the other person to be helping them out of all of their problems. Less of an issue here than the parent who consistently bails their kid out of jail, but it does apply in that if people like this always have someone to cover their butts and help them out, they never learn to deal with the shit themselves.

17

I would bet you a shiny new dollar that most of her problems are self-inflicted - you made better choices, and she made worse ones. You sound like a nice, honest, giving person who is not wise to the ways of emotional vampires - she doesn’t WANT a better life. She can’t be a martyr if things are better. She doesn’t want things fixed - she’s comfortable in her discomfort. The things you’re saying about your life and her life - are these things you actually believe, or are they things she’s told you over and over?

18

It’s funny. I lost a very dear friend when I made “positive” changes in my life that seemed to threaten her and then not 4 years later lost another dear, dear friend because my life was falling apart.

I can’t count these people as “friends” in the truest sense of the word. They both would have/should have stuck with me through success and failure.

I miss them both terribly almost on a daily basis. But what are you gonna do?

19

My life is complete and total chaos and a mess. I don’t have a lot of IRL friends, so I depend a lot on the people I do have in my life.

I am so afraid of being THAT person. I try so hard to remember some tiny thing someone will say as an aside so i can ask about it later (“oh, you said you were going to see that movie. how was it?”). I try so hard when someone asks how I am to just say “fine, and you?” unless they ask more questions. I try to remember to call or write when something GOOD happens, not just bad. I try to email funny “Haha, i saw this and thought of you” links. I don’t know how well I am succeeding.

20

StarvingButStrong, I hope I didn’t make it sound like I was criticizing you, I wasn’t. We do get a payoff when we help others. The problems begin when those others expect it without giving anything back.
You did nothing wrong.