One-sided 'friendships'

[moejoe]

@Ruby Sees

My life is complete and total chaos and a mess. I don’t have a lot of IRL friends, so I depend a lot on the people I do have in my life.

I am so afraid of being THAT person. I try so hard to remember some tiny thing someone will say as an aside so i can ask about it later (“oh, you said you were going to see that movie. how was it?”). I try so hard when someone asks how I am to just say “fine, and you?” unless they ask more questions. I try to remember to call or write when something GOOD happens, not just bad. I try to email funny “Haha, i saw this and thought of you” links. I don’t know how well I am succeeding.

sounds like you’re doing great! If you’re even thinking about this stuff there’s very little chance that you’re THAT person.

[Paragonkid]

StarvingButStrong, if ever you think your ears are gonna melt if you have to listen to 1 more person talk about their life…then…i recomend letting them talk to you, but just nod/shake your head at the appropriate times while listening to an Mp3/Ipod. When they ask if you are listening, just say “of course I was” or “Sorry, I’ve had an ear infection/wax build up for the past few weeks/days/months, it affects my hearing.”

[devilsknew]

I just kick back and listen to Trouble Me. Whatever happened to that… even on the man woman level. I don’t discriminate.

Man you guys really continually disturb me with your cynicism, leapfrogging (gettin’ over and lightnin’ your load), and general calloused attitude. If that’s what it takes to survive… well you know what I choose.

[vivalostwages]

A friend of 23 years became increasingly whiny, childish, attention-whoring, and wouldn’t do anything about her broken plumbing and compulsive hoarding although she makes a huge pile of money and saves almost all of it, acting like a pauper. She also got hurt feelings and burst into tears at the drop of a hat. It was the same crap every day. She’s like a human rerun. I found it so draining that I didn’t want to be around it anymore.
The problem ended up resolving itself when she told another friend that I had hurt her feelings. I have no idea what this is about, and it’s probably something piddly if anything. She quit communicating with me altogether. She did the same thing to yet another friend last year, over something incredibly petty and trivial.
I feel better off without her.

[Serenata67]

I’ve had emotional vampires at times… and I know in my younger years, I was one. I had a lot of shit going on at home, dated some terrible boys, etc… and my friends turned away. All I did was complain, and I lost some friends for it. It woke me up when my abusive boyfriend left and I had no friends anymore.

But then I ended up on the other side of that in college. A girl who was always me-me-me and would never listen. At first I stuck around because no one had done that for me, but after a while, I couldn’t do it anymore.

It’s a tough choice if you really care about the person, but you’ve gotta eventually put yourself first.

[smiling_bandit]

@vivalostwages

A friend of 23 years became increasingly whiny, childish, attention-whoring, and wouldn’t do anything about her broken plumbing and compulsive hoarding although she makes a huge pile of money and saves almost all of it, acting like a pauper. She also got hurt feelings and burst into tears at the drop of a hat. It was the same crap every day. She’s like a human rerun. I found it so draining that I didn’t want to be around it anymore.
The problem ended up resolving itself when she told another friend that I had hurt her feelings. I have no idea what this is about, and it’s probably something piddly if anything. She quit communicating with me altogether. She did the same thing to yet another friend last year, over something incredibly petty and trivial.
I feel better off without her.

Actually, that person sounds like they may have serious psychological problems and might shape up with competent medical help.

[PotLuck]

@picunurse

I have a theory about users. [snip] … there are the weak users. I find these much worse, because they are so much more insidious. They do share feelings, they are always in need. They need your time, your shoulder to cry on, your money, even your friends. They are bottomless pits of need. They are emotional vampires. If you let them they will suck the life right out of you. [snip] **They, somehow, can make you feel like all their troubles are somehow your fault and responsibility. ** [bolding mine]

Another reason they are harder to turn away from, is the reward we give ourselves for “helping.” We feel, secretly, superior. We are doing a good and noble thing. They give us the illusion that we are strong, when, in fact, we give in over and over.

The only way I’ve found to rid oneself of that weak user, is to walk away. Never speak to them again. Don’t explain. If you try, they will suck you back in.

I wish I’d learned this lesson decades ago. For far too long I was the go-girl for a sympathetic ear, a place to crash, and financial handouts. Now I nip that shit in the bud. My real friends know they can count on me for true crises but new acquaintances attempting to latch on to me soon learn to either deal with their issues on their own or find another benefactor. It took a while to realize that while I’m awesome as hell, I’m no one’s parent or saviour and anyone who tries to put me in that role (particularly if it’s mere weeks after meeting me) raises a huge, flapping red flag for me.

[vivalostwages]

@smiling_bandit

Actually, that person sounds like they may have serious psychological problems and might shape up with competent medical help.

Agreed. And she has admitted that she needs help, but she won’t spend a dime to get it.

[auntnut]

I called them “emotional leeches”… I must have been almost 30 when I realized that these kind of people were sucking everything out of me and I had nothing left for me or my family. That’s when I drew the line and learned to detach from people like that (which was very hard at the time) Now I can spot them pretty quick. I love volunteering and helping people out, but I choose who and when and how.