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  #1  
Old 02-15-2011, 05:08 PM
Trubie Trubie is offline
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Adopted children

The thread on adopted vs biological children got me thinking. Adoption has always been something I've been willing to do. The world is crowded. Less diapers. Lot of ups IMO. Anyway, I've often wondered what if you don't like the child you're given/adopted? Or something happens that makes keeping the child very burdensome and/or costly? I can't remember the details, but I read about a woman who adopted a child and give it back and the shit storm it caused.


Do you think adoptive parents morally have the right to give back the child?
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  #2  
Old 02-15-2011, 05:11 PM
etv78 etv78 is offline
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We aren't USED FUCKING CARS!!!! I'm adopted, and disabled, this double whammy makes me damn near impossible to place.
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  #3  
Old 02-15-2011, 05:23 PM
Sattua Sattua is offline
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No, I don't. If you adopt a child you're taking it for your own, and accepting whatever problems, expenses, and personality clashes come down the road. Just like having one of your own.
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Old 02-15-2011, 05:27 PM
perfectparanoia perfectparanoia is offline
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I don't think you should be allowed to 'give back' your child. I am a little biased since I have adopted children, of course.

Now, that said, we got to pick our children (though Child Services has final approval, of course). We chose what we thought we could handle (dealing with the public system so many children have issues, are disabled and/or are developmentally challenged). We got to meet them and hang out some before they were told we were it. We recieved all the information (medical, school, assessments) about them beforehand. If they got here and we couldn't handle it during the placement period (before the adoption was finalized), we could have "given them back" but that would pretty much be the end of us ever adopting another child.

Aside: when you give birth to a child there are even LESS guarantees about costs and burdens. Nothing is known about the health of that child until they are born.
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Old 02-15-2011, 05:32 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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You generally have to be pretty motivated to go through the adoption process.

In practise its pretty unlikely unless some serious personality issues are present or the like, in which case it might be worth considering. Its not uncommon to worry it will happen, not so common in practise.

We also got to meet our child and spend time with her before we said yes, so its not like there wasnt time to back out if it didnt feel right.

Otara
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:18 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Originally Posted by perfectparanoia View Post

Aside: when you give birth to a child there are even LESS guarantees about costs and burdens. Nothing is known about the health of that child until they are born.
But you do have more control over what happens to the kid. If you adopt a child, someone might have abused it or taken drugs during pregnancy, or just left it alone in a crib for hours at a time. If you're giving birth to your own child, you make sure that it at least gets a good upbringing.
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:42 PM
Superhal Superhal is offline
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I used to work at an adoption agency. There's a lot of parents that come through who aren't gems themselves. One co-worker told me it's like selling used cars...all they care about is the mileage and the color.

Adopting is not about perfection. It's about opening your home and your heart, regardless of the faults.
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:14 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is online now
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Do you think bio parents have the right to give up parental rights simply because it gets tough?

BTW, when you adopt a child as a baby, you get to make sure it gets a good upbringing too. And you get to make decisions when you adopt....like "I want a child no older than a year" or "I want a child who has no known birth defects" and even "I want a child from a birthmother who didn't smoke." Granted, make your list too long and too perfect and you won't find a placement (there are not that many white, attractive, athletic, Ivy League undergrads who don't drink or smoke putting up babies for adoption.) I have a friend who did everything right in her pregnancy (in terms of the 'don't drink, don't smoke, take you prenatal vitamins), and her labor went horribly wrong and her daughter has CP.
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:21 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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Biological parents do it all the time, its called adoption.

Here the thinking is more that theres more parents wanting to adopt than children to adopt. You dont get to do it after a year or whatever, but if things turn out to initially be not what people thought, they do get handed back sometimes, because there are much better options available than keeping going with someone who is ambivalent. The idea always is whats best for the child, not teaching the parents a lesson as such.

It all comes down to the individual circumstances.

Otara
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:38 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is online now
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Originally Posted by Otara View Post
Biological parents do it all the time, its called adoption.

Here the thinking is more that theres more parents wanting to adopt than children to adopt. You dont get to do it after a year or whatever, but if things turn out to initially be not what people thought, they do get handed back sometimes, because there are much better options available than keeping going with someone who is ambivalent. The idea always is whats best for the child, not teaching the parents a lesson as such.

It all comes down to the individual circumstances.

Otara
Yes, as infants. When you give up your parental rights sometime later, its usually considered child abandonment.

There is a process to go through to give up parental rights of a child. Basically the state needs to declare you unfit - or you need to take it upon yourself to find someone to sign parental rights to.

There are not more parents wanting to adopt than children available. There are more parents wanting to adopt healthy infants than children available. Older, disabled, non-white, and - especially - emotionally challenging children languish in the system. I'm sure you'd have little issue turning over a healthy infant if you got back to your social worker and said "well, we thought we wanted to be parents, but we were unaware of this diaper changing, lack of sleep stuff."

However, with many of these older child placements, they encourage being a foster parent first. Foster parents do get the "get out of jail free" card of "well, we decided we don't want to do this anymore." Adoptive parents and bio parents, signing over parental rights is a much bigger deal.
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Old 02-15-2011, 07:57 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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I live in Australia (hence the 'here'), so we're probably talking about different processes.

My point is there isnt a universal law on this issue and countries vary on their views on how to handle it. Here it can be considered better that the child remain in foster care rather than a bad placement occur for instance, regardless of health etc.

Otara
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:03 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is online now
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Originally Posted by Otara View Post
I live in Australia (hence the 'here'), so we're probably talking about different processes.

My point is there isnt a universal law on this issue and countries vary on their views on how to handle it. Here it can be considered better that the child remain in foster care rather than a bad placement occur for instance, regardless of health etc.

Otara
Certainly, that is the case here, but once the placement has been made (i.e. the social worker has done their job), you have become the parents and are responsible for the child. It would be rather unlikely in most states (each U.S. state has different requirements) to pass a homestudy if you were so cavalier about your child as to consider giving it up.
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:12 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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Thats not the case here.

DHS remains the legal guardian of the child when the child is initially placed, and while that is more intended for them to take back the child if theres problems, it also means that people arent obligated to view the child as 'theirs' legally until guardianship is passed over to them, which takes about 8 months to a year normally after the child has gone home with them.

As you say, in practise its rare due to screening, but it does happen on occasion.

Otara
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:20 PM
Mahaloth Mahaloth is offline
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1. What thread?

2. What? I adopted a girl. It's my kid. I can't(and wouln't) ever give up on her and shouldn't be allowed to legally.

This OP makes me want to puke.

Quote:
I've often wondered what if you don't like the child you're given/adopted? Or something happens that makes keeping the child very burdensome and/or costly? I can't remember the details, but I read about a woman who adopted a child and give it back and the shit storm it caused.
Uh, what if you don't like the child that is born to you? I work with a person who fights a lot with her biological daughter. To the point she can't stand her some time. But it's her child. Same with adoption.

Other people have biological kids that are disabled and become expensive. Same for adoptive parents.
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:25 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Do you think bio parents have the right to give up parental rights simply because it gets tough?

BTW, when you adopt a child as a baby, you get to make sure it gets a good upbringing too. And you get to make decisions when you adopt....like "I want a child no older than a year" or "I want a child who has no known birth defects" and even "I want a child from a birthmother who didn't smoke." Granted, make your list too long and too perfect and you won't find a placement (there are not that many white, attractive, athletic, Ivy League undergrads who don't drink or smoke putting up babies for adoption.) I have a friend who did everything right in her pregnancy (in terms of the 'don't drink, don't smoke, take you prenatal vitamins), and her labor went horribly wrong and her daughter has CP.
True--I didn't mean it was an excuse to give up kids. Just that you do have more control in some regards. Also, I was referring more to kids who get adopted later in life. Someone who adopts a kid who's older and who's had a horribly abusive childhood may not know what they're getting into and probably wouldn't have that same experience if they were getting a baby (either their biological baby or an adopted).
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  #16  
Old 02-15-2011, 09:46 PM
Cat Fight Cat Fight is offline
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Perhaps this is the story to which the OP is referring? It is pretty horrific – an American woman sent her adopted child back to Russia, alone – but it also isn't hard to believe that the woman was honestly mislead about the boy's mental problems.

Good friends of mine adopted a four-year-old boy from the Ukraine and it has been... I don't want to say devastating (god forbid they ever read this), but, after two years, if they had it all to do again I'm not sure they would. Their marriage is all but done, they've spent a ton of money on the adoption itself and therapy afterwards, and their other son, two years older, has pretty much withdrawn from neglect. The little boy is lovely in many ways, but when people talk about the fundamental first years of a child's life, and parental bonding (his birth mother was apparently an alcoholic – as was the birth mother of the child in the article, at least according to authorities), it's really, really tough to not at least have the words 'lost cause' flicker in your mind.

I'm reminded a bit of those 'safe haven' spots set up for people to drop off unwanted children, mostly at hospitals (I think the idea was for newborns but a few teenagers got dropped off). I'm torn on the issue, so I guess adoption regret fits there, somewhere.

ETA Upon rereading, I apologize if I come off sounding like I support shipping adopted kids back to their home countries, or that there won't be difficulties to work through, or anything like that. I really don't know enough about their situation, first-hand, to describe it as well as I'd like to.

Last edited by Cat Fight; 02-15-2011 at 09:49 PM..
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:28 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Cat Fight, along those lines, when I wrote my post I was also thinking of that disturbing case where a couple fostered/adopted three boys who had been so horribly abused that they were just beyond all help. They would try to attack/kill their foster parents, manage to break into each other's rooms at night to have sex, all kinds of insanely disturbing things. At some point you may have to say that this probably wouldn't have happened if you'd raised the kids yourself from birth on.
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Old 02-15-2011, 11:45 PM
Mississippienne Mississippienne is offline
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I was an older foster child; I like to say I was well past my 'sell by' date when my mother went to prison.

There are older children with severe issues that can tear apart well-meaning, loving foster/adoptive parents. There are also kids like I was, abused and neglected but sane and loving. You must forgive me if this is a personal cause of mine -- but I feel like foster kids who are over the cute toddler stage are unfairly tarred as utterly damaged. We are unwanted, and there's even some stigma once we're fully grown adults and try to tell people about our experiences (I have good friends who have counseled me not to tell people about being an older foster child, because they say people will "judge" me). I am not trying to pooh-pooh the experience of parents who find themselves with disturbed and unmanageable children, but some of us are still children, still worthwhile, still loveable, still loving.
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:24 AM
Electric Sky Electric Sky is offline
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In my mind, once you adopt a child they're your kid. Just as much your biological kid (and damn, I hate that way of putting it--what's an adopted kid, a cyborg?) would be.

Even with kids you yourself gave birth to/contributed half the DNA of, though, sometimes you can't handle parenting them anymore. That's where the foster care system comes in. But the idea that giving up an adopted kid should be any less difficult or life-changing than giving up a non-adopted kid...no. That just makes me see red.

I've complained in the past about how long and difficult the adoption process is--I've got friends who've wrestled with it for years--but threads like this make me see the reasoning behind it. I think a lot of care should be taken kids go to the families that suit them. You don't want to place a child with someone who's not 100% sure they can be their parent.

(Also, hey, if you can throw someone out of your family for not 'liking' them, I've got a few blood relatives I'd like to get rid of...)
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Old 02-16-2011, 06:56 AM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trubie View Post
The thread on adopted vs biological children got me thinking. Adoption has always been something I've been willing to do. The world is crowded. Less diapers. Lot of ups IMO. Anyway, I've often wondered what if you don't like the child you're given/adopted? Or something happens that makes keeping the child very burdensome and/or costly? I can't remember the details, but I read about a woman who adopted a child and give it back and the shit storm it caused.


Do you think adoptive parents morally have the right to give back the child?
Go look up the definition of "adoption".
Closing thread.
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:37 AM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is online now
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I'm going to reopen this thread under the condition that any swearing or "puking" be done over in The BBQ Pit. Discuss the question, not the person posing the question.
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2011, 02:12 PM
pseudotriton ruber ruber pseudotriton ruber ruber is offline
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Posting here to indicate I'm interested in this topic, but have nothing of value to add, myself.
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  #23  
Old 02-16-2011, 02:28 PM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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I knew a fellow who "returned" his adopted child. A rather reprehensible fellow in many respects--the type who comes to your wedding and eats your food but doesn't bring a gift. In his and his wife's case, however, I can understand somewhat. Within the first couple weeks after his adoption, the child (around four years old) started acting out sexually at day care, along with a host of other behaviors that likely required extensive clinical intervention. The adoptive parents couldn't take it, and the child went back into the system.

Damn, that's sad.

The couple split up shortly thereafter. I don't know if the failed adoption figured into that, but it couldn't have helped.

Last edited by StusBlues; 02-16-2011 at 02:29 PM..
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  #24  
Old 02-16-2011, 02:38 PM
Nawth Chucka Nawth Chucka is offline
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I know one person who adopted out to a family member the baby they adopted and realized they didn't want.

"It wasn't until I was walking out of the hospital with her, that the Dr. decided to tell me that her birth mother had used drugs during the pregnancy AND popped + for cocaine in her urine DURING delivery. The baby was also + for cocaine in her urine as well. She wasn't born addicted but she was affected.

After we had her for a few months I started to get concerned that I wasn't bonding with her. I asked around, read forums, and everyone said "Fake it till you make it". Well, faking it isn't me. I can't fake love. I also can't make myself love someone. So, the months went by and our feelings remained unchanged. She's also a very difficult child and we believe that to be from the drugs, because she acted in a way that no other child I've ever seen did. More months went by with unchanged feelings. When she was around 15 months old I reached my breaking point. My whole family was being negatively affected by her. My marriage was being affected and I just couldn't take it anymore and my husband was gone most of the time for work. Thankfully my unmarried family member who has no kids offered to take her for a few weeks so that I could have a break.

Well, after they had her for 2 weeks, they asked if they could keep her a bit longer. Husband and I talked it over and we agreed. We agreed b/c we noticed that as soon as the girl had gone, everything went back to normal. The family was relaxed again...if felt right without her.

After a few months, they asked if they could adopt the girl. My husband and I talked and prayed about it and decided to let my them adopt her after a trial period of 6 months. That trial period was up in last fall and they legally adopted her."

I want to point out this family took out personal loans to cover all the private adoption fees and still owe nearly 20K; the family member who adopted the baby girl has never offered to reimburse or repay anything and the original family's a bit miffed about that.
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Old 02-16-2011, 03:27 PM
Silvorange Silvorange is offline
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My parents gave back a little boy they were in the process of adopting.

Mom and Dad had originally planned to adopt because of Mom's disability. They were going through the process of qualifying when Mom got pregnant the first time. She miscarried. A few months later, they adopted my sister, who was a month old when they got her.

I guess it was about a year later that they got J. He was a year or two older than my sister. He had a serious heart condition that would require surgery (based on Mom's description, I think it was Tetralogy of Fallot). Mom never quite bonded with him. The heart condition scared her, and Dad had some bizarre ideas about how boys should be raised (he didn't want a woman telling the boy what to do...).

They had him for a few months before Mom got pregnant again, this time with me. I think they tried to make things work, but having two toddlers and a new baby was just too much with all the associated issues and Mom's physical limitations. The adoption wasn't final yet because they hadn't had him for a whole year. There is one last picture of him with me when I was four months old. Mom said that if it had been final, they would have kept him.

He was probably better off with another family. We girls (there are four of us) wonder what ever happened to him, though.
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:30 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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"the family member who adopted the baby girl has never offered to reimburse or repay anything and the original family's a bit miffed about that."

Some cheek there. They cant handle the child themselves but expect to get repaid when the other family helps out, even though they originally had no intention of adopting a child. Im surprised they didnt get asked to give more if anything.

Otara
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Old 02-17-2011, 01:38 AM
clairobscur clairobscur is offline
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Some cheek there. They cant handle the child themselves but expect to get repaid when the other family helps out, even though they originally had no intention of adopting a child. Im surprised they didnt get asked to give more if anything.

Seconded.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:44 AM
chaika chaika is offline
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I have a colleague who adopted two children (siblings). After they had lived with her for a few months, she decided that the older child was too difficult for her to handle, so she sent the child back, while keeping the younger one. I find this choice utterly appalling and indefensible. Not only did she completely fail in her commitment to both children, she also reinforced the same message that the older child had learned through countless rejections in the past: that no one can be relied on, that no one loves her enough to create a decent family for her, that she is unlovable and unwanted. And my colleague also removed the only person who had been a constant presence in the child's life: her younger sibling. So this little girl, who was only 6 years old, went back into the system even more damaged and suffering considerably more pain than before she was adopted. My heart just aches for her.

The story posted above about a family disrupting an adoption after 15 months sounds similar in some ways. Instead of truly investigating why they were not bonding with their child, or searching out methods to strengthen attachment, they simply state that their feelings did not change, and they blame the child for their failure. It sounds like a very selfish and egocentric approach to parenthood to me. I wouldn't be surprised if the child is better off living in another family. However, the original adoptive family should not minimize the trauma they inflicted on that child, by sending her away from the only home she'd ever known (even a deeply dysfunctional family is a place of security for a child). And then they had the gall to expect the new family to reimburse them for the adoption? That really takes the cake.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:08 PM
Nawth Chucka Nawth Chucka is offline
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I have a colleague who adopted two children (siblings). After they had lived with her for a few months, she decided that the older child was too difficult for her to handle, so she sent the child back, while keeping the younger one. I find this choice utterly appalling and indefensible. Not only did she completely fail in her commitment to both children, she also reinforced the same message that the older child had learned through countless rejections in the past: that no one can be relied on, that no one loves her enough to create a decent family for her, that she is unlovable and unwanted. And my colleague also removed the only person who had been a constant presence in the child's life: her younger sibling. So this little girl, who was only 6 years old, went back into the system even more damaged and suffering considerably more pain than before she was adopted. My heart just aches for her.

The story posted above about a family disrupting an adoption after 15 months sounds similar in some ways. Instead of truly investigating why they were not bonding with their child, or searching out methods to strengthen attachment, they simply state that their feelings did not change, and they blame the child for their failure. It sounds like a very selfish and egocentric approach to parenthood to me. I wouldn't be surprised if the child is better off living in another family. However, the original adoptive family should not minimize the trauma they inflicted on that child, by sending her away from the only home she'd ever known (even a deeply dysfunctional family is a place of security for a child). And then they had the gall to expect the new family to reimburse them for the adoption? That really takes the cake.
To know the woman w/ the disrupted adoption you'd see this is her pattern in life when it comes to things that don't match her ideal. She never learns from it either, not that she even sees it when it's pointed out.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:22 PM
RTFirefly RTFirefly is online now
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Originally Posted by Nawth Chucka View Post
I want to point out this family took out personal loans to cover all the private adoption fees and still owe nearly 20K; the family member who adopted the baby girl has never offered to reimburse or repay anything and the original family's a bit miffed about that.
Let's see:

a) If the other family member doesn't step in, the couple that originally adopted is in debt for $20K over the adoption, AND the adoption's working out terribly for them, messing up their lives.

b) Since that family member DID step in, only the first thing is true anymore. If anything, the couple owes that family member.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:43 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is online now
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To know the woman w/ the disrupted adoption you'd see this is her pattern in life when it comes to things that don't match her ideal. She never learns from it either, not that she even sees it when it's pointed out.
Its really sad when an adoption doesn't work out - but its SUPPOSED to be the case that the social worker is supposed to look ferret out people looking for some sort of fantasy.

We had a new house when we adopted. Childless people living in a new house preparing for a homestudy = spotless. We are not spotless people - but we really put our best foot forward for the homestudy.

The post placement home visit was after we'd been in the home a year with me five months pregnant, our son home for two months, dishes in the sink and toys over the living room. The social worker looked around and said "this is so much better. One of my worries with you two were that you were too organized for a child." (We must of completely snowed her on the organized thing - though both of us are VERY organized when we are driven.)

This is one of the reasons why social workers doing adoption aren't fond of "save the children" motivations. You have got to want to parent a child. And if you are adopting an older child out of the system, or a child with special needs, you need to want to deal with the challenges that brings.

On the other hand, social workers (and birthmothers), in order to get placements - have been known to play down issues, sometimes even outright lie. That isn't fair and then adoptive parents have to have an out if its egregious.
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Old 02-17-2011, 05:06 PM
Shodan Shodan is offline
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Originally Posted by Dangerosa
Childless people living in a new house preparing for a homestudy = spotless. We are not spotless people - but we really put our best foot forward for the homestudy.

The post placement home visit was after we'd been in the home a year with me five months pregnant, our son home for two months, dishes in the sink and toys over the living room.
LOL, literally - we did exactly the same thing. Our social worker said she knew we trusted her because we stopped vacuuming before she came over.

But that's a good thing. Only so much energy in us, even when we were young. I could clean the kitchen, or I could build a snow fort in the front yard.

Not a tough call.

Regards,
Shodan
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Old 02-17-2011, 05:14 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Or you could make one clean-ass snow fort in the front yard!
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Old 02-17-2011, 06:28 PM
LavenderBlue LavenderBlue is offline
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Anita Tedaldi gave back her adopted son after having several more biological daughters. I hate her.
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:01 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Anita Tedaldi gave back her adopted son after having several more biological daughters. I hate her.
Doesn't that say that she had her daughters before she adopted the son?
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:18 PM
Markxxx Markxxx is offline
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For those of you who don't remember, Bette Davis adopted two girls. The first went OK but the second girl she adopted had major problems. Later on it was revealed these emotional and mental issues, led the birth mother to give her up and she had been adopted out before and returned.

Then she was adopted out to Davis, as the agency knew that being a celebrity Davis could not return the child.

In short the agency was dishonest in placing the child.

This second child wound up in institutions and caused Davis, who arguably wasn't the best mother in the world, and her first adopted child much grief.

But Davis could well afford instiutions and nannies to cover her discomfort.

When a child is placed it is a two way street. Sure anyone can make an error and sometimes mental problems don't surface till long after but one can't ignore it.

If a birth parent can surrender the right of parenthood, which doesn't always involve being declare incompetent or a "bad parent," so to speak, so should an adopted child.
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:21 PM
LavenderBlue LavenderBlue is offline
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Originally Posted by Freudian Slit View Post
Doesn't that say that she had her daughters before she adopted the son?
She had two more children after she adopted. I think what she did was rotten. She kept the bio daughters and gave back the one that was less than perfect.
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Old 02-17-2011, 07:51 PM
Sarahfeena Sarahfeena is offline
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She had two more children after she adopted. I think what she did was rotten. She kept the bio daughters and gave back the one that was less than perfect.
Yeah, she drives me crazy. She always says she loved him and tried her best, but she didn't do either.

Last edited by Sarahfeena; 02-17-2011 at 07:51 PM..
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  #39  
Old 02-17-2011, 07:58 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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She had two more children after she adopted. I think what she did was rotten. She kept the bio daughters and gave back the one that was less than perfect.
Where does it say that in the article?
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:06 PM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Also, does it make me a bad person that I don't think I could love a child who eats its own shit?
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:26 PM
Sarahfeena Sarahfeena is offline
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Also, does it make me a bad person that I don't think I could love a child who eats its own shit?
It wasn't a child who did that, it was a baby.
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  #42  
Old 02-17-2011, 08:45 PM
alphaboi867 alphaboi867 is offline
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...I'm reminded a bit of those 'safe haven' spots set up for people to drop off unwanted children, mostly at hospitals (I think the idea was for newborns but a few teenagers got dropped off). I'm torn on the issue, so I guess adoption regret fits there, somewhere...
Nebraska. Unlike most safe-haven laws the original bill didn't specifiy an upper age limit. Most of the kids (up to 17 yrs) were the biological offspring of the partents who dropped them off.
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  #43  
Old 02-17-2011, 09:25 PM
LavenderBlue LavenderBlue is offline
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Originally Posted by Freudian Slit View Post
Where does it say that in the article?
On page five of the comments:

Quote:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2...age=5#comments

Dear Anita,
What you said you hoped people would glean from your personal life story is not something parents will not know already. Parenting is an awesome responsibility and the hardest job in the world. Sometimes we fail at it, but thank God there’s a new day to start over to be a better parent than we were the day before.

I am so angered by what you did that I have no words. If, as you say, you only had 3 daughters before D arrived, why did you think adding 2 more to the brood would be OK with D in the house, given his special needs? It seems you made a series of bad judgments that have led to such an awful outcome for your family. D may be in a better place, but what about the damage and aftermath that you and your family must live through?

I hope that your fantasies of adoption are now over and you focus on fixing what’s been done to your family by your hands.

From Lisa Belkin: Umm, Jenny, sometimes birth control fails
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Originally Posted by Sarahfeena View Post
It wasn't a child who did that, it was a baby.
A baby she agreed to take responsibility for and did not. Babies are messy and frankly sometimes quite gross. My daughter had some serious diarrhea when she about ten months old. Not exactly the best few days of my life. That poor baby got rejected twice. She really goes out of her way to make him sound utterly repulsive. The truth is that she did an amoral thing and tried to make herself look good in doing so. At the very least she should have kept this private. I feel sorry if the poor kid if he ever finds out what she did to him.
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Old 02-17-2011, 10:02 PM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is online now
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If the adopted child had turned out to be fine, but one of her daughters was difficult to raise, would she have considered, even for a split second, putting that daughter up for adoption?
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  #45  
Old 02-17-2011, 10:35 PM
Sarahfeena Sarahfeena is offline
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On page five of the comments:





A baby she agreed to take responsibility for and did not. Babies are messy and frankly sometimes quite gross. My daughter had some serious diarrhea when she about ten months old. Not exactly the best few days of my life. That poor baby got rejected twice. She really goes out of her way to make him sound utterly repulsive. The truth is that she did an amoral thing and tried to make herself look good in doing so. At the very least she should have kept this private. I feel sorry if the poor kid if he ever finds out what she did to him.
Yes, a lot of babies go through the poop-smearing stage. Thank god people don't stop loving their kids over it...the world would be in big trouble.

The thing that makes me shudder over that piece she wrote is that she never says anything positive about him...he's just a shit-smearing animal that her daughters don't even care enough about to say goodbye to. Her disconnect is creepy, and has a lot more to say about her than it does about him.

She actually went and had those two additional babies during the two years she was also the mother to this little boy. That in itself was a terrible thing to do to him...no wonder she couldn't bond with him and care for his special needs, she had other infants in the house! Despicable.

Last edited by Sarahfeena; 02-17-2011 at 10:35 PM..
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  #46  
Old 02-17-2011, 10:47 PM
LavenderBlue LavenderBlue is offline
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Yes, a lot of babies go through the poop-smearing stage. Thank god people don't stop loving their kids over it...the world would be in big trouble.

The thing that makes me shudder over that piece she wrote is that she never says anything positive about him...he's just a shit-smearing animal that her daughters don't even care enough about to say goodbye to. Her disconnect is creepy, and has a lot more to say about her than it does about him.

She actually went and had those two additional babies during the two years she was also the mother to this little boy. That in itself was a terrible thing to do to him...no wonder she couldn't bond with him and care for his special needs, she had other infants in the house! Despicable.
Yes. My daughter did that once in while when she was very small. They're babies and they don't know what they're doing. You clean it off, give them a bath and sit back and enjoy how cute they are when they're not covered in poop.

She just makes me so mad. You don't do the things she did. You don't adopt a special needs baby and then go out and have TWO other babies while you're trying to meet this poor new baby's needs. She was repulsively irresponsible. Why she choose to publicize her awful choices still remains a mystery to me.

I hope the person never finds what she did to him or what she wrote about him afterwards.
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  #47  
Old 02-17-2011, 10:53 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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The story reads a bit funny and doesnt sit well with me.

But she wouldn't be the first or last person to find out being the knight on a white charger isnt as easy as it sounds. If it had worked she'd have been the caring person who brought up 6 children. But it didnt. Maybe it could have if they'd all tried harder, but we dont know that from the information we have.

The child is in a better family for their needs, the other family is doing better, so it reads to me as a better outcome than some of the alternatives. The fact those alternatives might not be considered/possible if the child had been biologically theirs doesn't change that in my view.

Otara

Edit: OK good point about the two children during the placement. Thats just wierd.

Last edited by Otara; 02-17-2011 at 10:54 PM..
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  #48  
Old 02-18-2011, 01:02 AM
needscoffee needscoffee is offline
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Edit: OK good point about the two children during the placement. Thats just wierd.
Especially since she only had the boy for 18 months.
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  #49  
Old 02-18-2011, 01:12 AM
Peremensoe Peremensoe is offline
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I have a colleague who adopted two children (siblings). After they had lived with her for a few months, she decided that the older child was too difficult for her to handle, so she sent the child back, while keeping the younger one. I find this choice utterly appalling and indefensible. Not only did she completely fail in her commitment to both children, she also reinforced the same message that the older child had learned through countless rejections in the past: that no one can be relied on, that no one loves her enough to create a decent family for her, that she is unlovable and unwanted. And my colleague also removed the only person who had been a constant presence in the child's life: her younger sibling. So this little girl, who was only 6 years old, went back into the system even more damaged and suffering considerably more pain than before she was adopted. My heart just aches for her.
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  #50  
Old 02-18-2011, 02:45 AM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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I am adopted myself, back in the 70s. Was given to mum n dad when I was only a few days old.

Apparently I had some quite terrible behavioural problems for the first 18 months or so - basically I did not sleep, ever, at all.

If its just a case of "this is harder than I thought" or "we are not bonding" then no, cannot give back.

On the other hand, if there are serious issues that were not revealed prior / earlier in the adoption process then I am a little more ambivalent - it's only right that in such an arrangement the parents should know what they are getting themselves into.
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