Ask the woman who put up a child for adoption

Have at me. :slight_smile:

And while you’re at it, could a mod please move this? I am apparently an idiot. :slight_smile:

Are you okay with your choice?

My cousin was forced to do this 30 or so years ago and she’s still grieving.

I’m going to ask from the bottom of my heart - why’d you do it? My mom gave me up too, and my dad never even wanted me, and you know, I’ve come to terms with it and I understand their motives but still…

there’s always a little bit that still hurts. :slight_smile:

How long ago was it? Were you allowed to choose the adoptive parents and what kind of criteria did you use? Do you have any contact with the child?

This is my question, as well. The one bad thing (for me) about being adopted, especially back in the 60s, is that there is someone out there who still hurts over it.

What are your views on abortion?

Brava for you !
Have you had a chance to read: The Girls who went away It will give you an excellent view of just how far society has come since forcing teen age mothers to give up their children.

Do/did you plan to stay in touch with your birth child and/or his/her adoptive parents? What would you advise other parents in your situation to do in regards to maintaining contact over the years?

How did members of your family respond to your decision (if the choice was yours?)

Absolutely. Having been a mother to my seventeen year old I know what I did was right - for both of us. I’m so sorry for your cousin - had this NOT been my choice I wouldn’t know where to begin feeling - know what I mean?

Because I could never have given her anything - deep down I knew I wouldn’t be with her father - I didn’t want to move in with my parents or become a “statistic” - I still thought I had a chance of making something out of myself. For most of the pregnancy we were going to keep her - I started her a babybook, everything. It wasn’t until someone I trusted who wasn’t a family member sat me down and had a heart to heart with me - asking me questions like how was I going to buy diapers? How was I going to get her to the Doctor? Who would watch her when I worked (if I had a job)? Where was I going to live? What kind of example would I be setting for HER as SHE grew up?

It took awhile but it sunk in - it wasn’t that I didn’t want HER - I DID - but what I wanted FOR her too - a real life with real parents. Which I couldn’t give her. I hope she understands that - I was allowed to put a letter to her in her file with the agency explaining everything - if she ever wants to she will be able to read it, and I hope, understand. :slight_smile:

21 years. Yes, and what we did was meet with our caseworker many many times talking about lots of different things - they then took what they learned with us and matched us up with three couples. Then we were able to learn about each couple and select one we wanted to meet. After the meeting we gave the agency our decision. If we hadn’t been able to pick one out of the initial three they would have kept looking. We didn’t really have criteria - we wanted someone who would raise our child in a loving home. The agency kinda did the “criteria” thing.

She has not contacted me, no, but I have written letters to her in care of the agency over the years, and they have my name, number, address, etc. in the file constantly updated because I’ve given them permission to “out” me if she so desires.

I’m pro-choice. Obviously some things work better for some people at some points in their lives. Adoption worked for me at that point in my life - it wouldn’t at some other points. I know that isn’t much of an answer, but it’s the best I can do. :slight_smile:

No I haven’t - I’ll check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.

How old were you when this happened?

Nope. We weren’t going to stay in touch at all. We all felt that was for the best. They did send me one picture of her when she was just starting to stand - that’s the last I had heard.

What would I advise other parents? I think it’s a decision that needs to be made STRICTLY between the birth parents and the adoptive parents - it’s far too personal to be dealt with on any other level. Also, keep in mind, I went through an agency (the same one my parents adopted me from - my dad was also on their Board of Directors) and the rule generally was “no contact afterwards.”

My family wholly supported my decision - my mom was there when she was born (her father was in jail). They are huge adoption advocates. They adopted ME after all. :slight_smile:

Edited to add Zipper, I was 19-20.

Does she live in your city/State?
At least when she was a baby?

Not near - but in the “area” was all I was told.

Are you hoping she contacts you at some point? What sort of relationship would you like to have with her?

Do you know what happened to her father?

I’m reading this now - it’s by one of our Professors.

Do you think that being adopted yourself made you more positive towards the idea of giving a child up for adoption?

I don’t know. I really don’t. As I mentioned before, I was adopted, and I have a way of finding my birth mother but haven’t - I can only imagine the disruption in everyone’s lives it would cause. It’s something I don’t think about at all - it’s easier that way.

Her father? Last I talked to him (1999) he was living in Springfield, MO either with or very near his parents, supposedly had a job, had a kid that his ex-girlfriend took off with - it wasn’t a real “good” conversation - and I haven’t talked to him since.

Absolutely. There’s no doubt in my mind.

Has your son ever asked about his half-sibling? How did you handle that conversation?

As you were told “in the area,” did you ever fear/wonder if your son would have a teacher or coach or camp counselor who would make a comment like “Do you have an older sister? I taught/coached/etc a girl who looks just like you!”

Not a question, but I wanted to thank you for being so brave, first for making sure your baby would have a good home and second, for being willing to share your experiences here. Five years ago, my younger brother (he was 19 at the time) and his girlfriend gave their baby up for adoption. It was the best possible decision they could have made, but I know it still haunts him.

Eh - I told him about it years ago. He couldn’t have cared less. I don’t think he even remembers now. As for “in the area”, no, I wasn’t worried about it - it frankly never even occurred to me! Sometimes I think it’s a GOOD thing that I’m kinda dense at times. :wink:

Shucks - I just knew I had to do the right thing. I wasn’t all that brave at the time - I damn near melted down afterwards. But I got over it - and I realized that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. That’s what being an adult (and being a compassionate, caring, and responsible adult) is about. Even if it DOES hurt at the time.