Yadda, I was constipated for three or four days, and after dozens of attempts, a giant baby came out of my ass. And now the fucker is jammed into my toilet.
Plunging? Check. All the time. Not working. Not much toilet paper in there – that fucker was so rock hard I hardly even needed to wipe my ass.
Do I need to buy/borrow a snake? And if so, will it do any good? It’s been clogged for two days. I poured bleach in there a few days ago, to try to mitigate bacterial growth and loosen solid matter, but it’s not working.
Or, is there a caustic solvent which will make all of this badness go away?
I’m a mild germaphobe, and I’m freaking the fuck out, and I need this shit out of my toilet, immediately, or as fast as possible.
Should I just put my hand down there and grab hold of “something”? I think I’m going to be…thrilled when this is done, but I can’t afford a plumber.
Good grief, nothing that came out of your anus can possibly stand up to a simple pipe snake. Go to the hardware store and buy a “toilet auger”, it’s a short pipe snake on the end of a long handle which has a smooth coating so it won’t scratch the porcelain. They’re under $20.
If the blockage is further down the pipe you’ll need a regular snake which is also incredibly cheap (I bought a 25 footer for something like $10).
ETA - don’t go pouring all kinds of bleach/drain cleaner/etc down the toilet. If the toilet is clogged that stuff won’t go anywhere and now you’ll have the opportunity to splash not only poopy water around but you could get bleach or lye or something all over yourself too. Wear some dish gloves (those cheap yellow rubber ones), have an old towel onhand to mop up any spills and just take a shower afterwards if you’re really phobic.
I’m telling you, once I had a turd that was resistant to everything short of a nuclear bomb. Then I tried the dishwashing detergent trick and it worked. Miracle!
the only thing a pot of boiling water is going to do is heat the room temperature water in the toilet bowl to slightly above room temperature. the water warms and transfer heat to the bowl, your turd won’t even notice.
sometimes just a long soak will soften a hard dry turd up and subsequent flushes will break up and move it down.
before doing a full flush (if the water level isn’t at the rim) do a partial flush or add a bucket of water and see that it goes down even slowly; this shows that you don’t have a total blockage which would need to be snaked or plunged. later flushes then won’t likely overflow if done carefully.
That is one amazing turd. Won’t help you now, but I see Metamucil or something in your future!
Did you use one of those heavy duty black plunger-thingies? Many times the red rubber ones are not enough, and don’t be afraid to plunge over and over again until the water drains. I’ve had to plunge 20 or more times in a row before, when someone decided a wad of TP the size of two fists was appropriate.
I agree that detergent should work. If nothing else, as a surfactant it will break up the mass. The hot water would simply help by increasing the “brownian” motion.
Variation: get to a natural foods store and buy their recommended drain cleanser. What you’ll get is basically some strong detergent with enzymes and such. I’ve seen one version that’s powder, another that’s liquid. The instructions will probably say that it needs up to 24 hours to work. Seems to me that it should work decently on, well, biological waste.
(I finally figured out that what was clogging my bathtub drain was probably hair, and there wasn’t anything for it but to go with the strong chemicals. Those worked for the hair.)
When my shower drain backed up, I popped the grate and snaked it with a wire coat hanger. The hair and detergent pulled up looked pretty disgusting, but the water draining instantly was nice!
Wire coat hangers make decent cabling fishes, too, if the run is short enough.
Sweet! the horror was removed a few days ago with the power of (around, I’m guessing, 90-100 deg F) water plus dish detergent. It worked!!! It’s not alive!!!
Will not consider introduction of live bugs into my bathroom – I get pissed off when a little moth comes in a window in my office.
Coathanger’s a good one to reserve for future, although it does sound kind of kinky. It’s good, though!