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  #1  
Old 06-23-2011, 05:29 PM
Jaledin Jaledin is offline
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Help unclog my toilet with your words, please

Yadda, I was constipated for three or four days, and after dozens of attempts, a giant baby came out of my ass. And now the fucker is jammed into my toilet.

Plunging? Check. All the time. Not working. Not much toilet paper in there -- that fucker was so rock hard I hardly even needed to wipe my ass.

Do I need to buy/borrow a snake? And if so, will it do any good? It's been clogged for two days. I poured bleach in there a few days ago, to try to mitigate bacterial growth and loosen solid matter, but it's not working.

Or, is there a caustic solvent which will make all of this badness go away?

I'm a mild germaphobe, and I'm freaking the fuck out, and I need this shit out of my toilet, immediately, or as fast as possible.

Should I just put my hand down there and grab hold of "something"? I think I'm going to be...thrilled when this is done, but I can't afford a plumber.

Last edited by Jaledin; 06-23-2011 at 05:31 PM..
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  #2  
Old 06-23-2011, 05:33 PM
Morgenstern Morgenstern is offline
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Sneak up on it and grab it right behind the gills. Then toss it out the window.

(edit: then blame it on a neighborhood dog.)

Last edited by Morgenstern; 06-23-2011 at 05:35 PM..
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  #3  
Old 06-23-2011, 05:44 PM
Valgard Valgard is offline
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Good grief, nothing that came out of your anus can possibly stand up to a simple pipe snake. Go to the hardware store and buy a "toilet auger", it's a short pipe snake on the end of a long handle which has a smooth coating so it won't scratch the porcelain. They're under $20.

If the blockage is further down the pipe you'll need a regular snake which is also incredibly cheap (I bought a 25 footer for something like $10).

ETA - don't go pouring all kinds of bleach/drain cleaner/etc down the toilet. If the toilet is clogged that stuff won't go anywhere and now you'll have the opportunity to splash not only poopy water around but you could get bleach or lye or something all over yourself too. Wear some dish gloves (those cheap yellow rubber ones), have an old towel onhand to mop up any spills and just take a shower afterwards if you're really phobic.

Last edited by Valgard; 06-23-2011 at 05:46 PM..
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  #4  
Old 06-23-2011, 06:07 PM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is online now
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Help unclog my toilet with your words, please

Considering all the shit I spew, my words would only exacerbate the situation.
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  #5  
Old 06-23-2011, 06:10 PM
monstro monstro is offline
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Learned this while on Abilify, which basically turns your bowels into cement.

The first time I ever used a plunger was while I was taking that stuff.

Instructions here: http://www.ehow.com/how_6562142_uncl...hot-water.html

I'm telling you, once I had a turd that was resistant to everything short of a nuclear bomb. Then I tried the dishwashing detergent trick and it worked. Miracle!
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  #6  
Old 06-24-2011, 02:52 PM
Cheesesteak Cheesesteak is offline
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From monstro's link, definitely be careful with boiling water, toilets are usually sealed with a wax ring, you don't want to melt that sucker.
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  #7  
Old 06-24-2011, 04:12 PM
johnpost johnpost is online now
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the only thing a pot of boiling water is going to do is heat the room temperature water in the toilet bowl to slightly above room temperature. the water warms and transfer heat to the bowl, your turd won't even notice.

sometimes just a long soak will soften a hard dry turd up and subsequent flushes will break up and move it down.

before doing a full flush (if the water level isn't at the rim) do a partial flush or add a bucket of water and see that it goes down even slowly; this shows that you don't have a total blockage which would need to be snaked or plunged. later flushes then won't likely overflow if done carefully.
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  #8  
Old 06-24-2011, 07:54 PM
John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Ickety ackety ook enh enh
Ziggety Zaggety zoo unh unh
Oh oh enh
Anh anh anh
Flippety flappity floop!

It's unclogged.

[I'm a literal genie you see. I can't help it.]
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  #9  
Old 06-24-2011, 08:00 PM
SeaDragonTattoo SeaDragonTattoo is online now
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That is one amazing turd. Won't help you now, but I see Metamucil or something in your future!

Did you use one of those heavy duty black plunger-thingies? Many times the red rubber ones are not enough, and don't be afraid to plunge over and over again until the water drains. I've had to plunge 20 or more times in a row before, when someone decided a wad of TP the size of two fists was appropriate.
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Old 06-24-2011, 09:13 PM
monstro monstro is offline
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I didn't use boiling water. Just hot water.

And certainly not enough to melt anything.

Hot water will soften the turd. I don't know what the detergent does, but when their powers are combined, magic happens.
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  #11  
Old 06-24-2011, 09:27 PM
WarmNPrickly WarmNPrickly is offline
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I agree that detergent should work. If nothing else, as a surfactant it will break up the mass. The hot water would simply help by increasing the "brownian" motion.
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  #12  
Old 06-24-2011, 09:35 PM
Happy Lendervedder Happy Lendervedder is offline
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Ha! This reminds me of the time I clogged the toilet on my honeymoon. Good times...
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  #13  
Old 06-24-2011, 10:18 PM
Civil Guy Civil Guy is offline
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Variation: get to a natural foods store and buy their recommended drain cleanser. What you'll get is basically some strong detergent with enzymes and such. I've seen one version that's powder, another that's liquid. The instructions will probably say that it needs up to 24 hours to work. Seems to me that it should work decently on, well, biological waste.

(I finally figured out that what was clogging my bathtub drain was probably hair, and there wasn't anything for it but to go with the strong chemicals. Those worked for the hair.)
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  #14  
Old 06-24-2011, 10:27 PM
MOIDALIZE MOIDALIZE is online now
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I'm not putting my mouth on your toilet.
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Old 06-24-2011, 10:33 PM
Morgyn Morgyn is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Civil Guy View Post
(I finally figured out that what was clogging my bathtub drain was probably hair, and there wasn't anything for it but to go with the strong chemicals. Those worked for the hair.)
When my shower drain backed up, I popped the grate and snaked it with a wire coat hanger. The hair and detergent pulled up looked pretty disgusting, but the water draining instantly was nice!

Wire coat hangers make decent cabling fishes, too, if the run is short enough.
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  #16  
Old 06-25-2011, 11:15 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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I came in to suggest unfolding a wire coat hanger and using it to break up that monster.
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  #17  
Old 06-25-2011, 11:55 AM
Brown Eyed Girl Brown Eyed Girl is offline
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Dung beetles.
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  #18  
Old 06-26-2011, 04:31 PM
Jaledin Jaledin is offline
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Sweet! the horror was removed a few days ago with the power of (around, I'm guessing, 90-100 deg F) water plus dish detergent. It worked!!! It's not alive!!!

Will not consider introduction of live bugs into my bathroom -- I get pissed off when a little moth comes in a window in my office.

Coathanger's a good one to reserve for future, although it does sound kind of kinky. It's good, though!

Last edited by Jaledin; 06-26-2011 at 04:32 PM..
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