99 little know facts about the founding of the USA

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As we (the greatest people on earth, you know who you are) celebrate our nation’s birth this weekend with traditions dating back to the 1300s, I offer up some little-known tid-bits about the men (and pretty ladies) who helped found our awesome country. Take some time to ponder them and stuff. And if you have some more to add, add them and we will ponder them too.

-The original Declaration included the words “phlegm,” “corpulant,” and “dangle.”

-Founding father Dirk Fink written out of history books in 1845 after it was discovered he was married to a mule.

-John Jay invented bubble gum.

-Benjamin Franklin licked the upper-left corner of every piece of paper before putting down a draft of the Declaration.

-Our first president was born with the name Leon Shingledown. According to his memoir, he changed it to the more classic “George Washington” once he realized he was “nipple deep in [the] founding of a nation.”

-Paul Revere was actually the name of the horse who rode across the land kicking up, not sand, but mud. It was very rainy in colonial America.

-The original name of the United States was going to be “Texas,” and Alexander Hamilton’s suggestion for our nation’s motto was “Don’t mess with Texas.” It would be almost 100 years before his vision was realized, in the state of “Texas.”

-Sam Adams invented the ZIP Code, originally 12 digits long.

-John Jay made his fortune as a Colonial pornographer.

-Black Cats were originally named as the National Firework in 1780.

-64% of the founding fathers were Jews.

-Who was the Patriot with the highest number of kills during the Revolutionary War? A Boston prostitute named Sarah Kringle who slept with over 300 Redcoats over the course of two weeks, giving them all syphilis, and dooming them to slow and painful deaths over the next two to fourteen years.

-Apple pie was banned in the colonies from January 14, 1774 through July 4, 1776. Once we were no longer owned by the British, we made it the most American thing ever.

2

Betsy Ross’ first attempt at sewing the flag was a field of 13 stars, with a patch of stripes in the lower left corner. The red in the design was from her constantly pricking her finger. Yes, she was dyslexic.

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pondering

4

None of the founding fathers were slave owners. The only reason slavery is even in the Constitution was because France and Britain forced it on us in the peace settlement.

The German’s knew about Trenton before it happened, so they got drunk because they were scared of the notorious Shingledown.

People mistakenly think Patrick Henry said his famous “give me liberty” lines in a speech, but it was really his “last words” before being hung by the Brits. What happened was he was able to break out of his noose and killed every one of his executioners. What he really said, “Give me liberty and I’ll give you death.”

5

John Hancock’s signature on the Declaration of Independence initially included a doodle of his own notable “John Hancock.” At the insistence of fellow delegates the drawing was camouflaged as a decorative flourish, although a small bit of scraping -where some line work was obliterated- is visible on the document.

6

The original Declaration of Independence originally said, in full:

"Dear King,
Fuck you, you fuckin’ fuck. We outta, yo.

Former homies signify below."

Only one copy remains, which is locked in a vault beneath Mt. Rushmore.

7

  • All debate in the Second Continental congress in 1775 and 1776 was done in dactylic pentameter. Each member of congress also had to rhyme both within his own lines and had to rhyme with the last speaker.

  • Pennsylvania delegate Jon Dickinson was kicked out of congress for ending a couplet with the word, “orange.”

8

The position of Poet Laureate of the United States remained unfilled until 1937 following the controversial appointment of the original poet laureate by the first continental congress, Samuel Limerick, who scandalized the young nation with graphic depictions of life in his native Nantucket, Massachusetts.

9

The writing of the first draft of the Constitution was delayed for three days due to vigorous debate over whether it should be “We the people” or “Us the people”.

There are at least three secret amendments in the Bill of Rights. They were written in lemon juice and are only visible when the text is held over a flame or against a bright light. At any given time, no more than three out of the nine Supreme Court justices are allowed to know what they are.

At the first Thanksgiving, the Native Americans brought their traditional holiday decoration, Green Bean Casserole. The famished Pilgrims ate it vigorously, to the horror of the Natives. But the Natives were too polite to say anything, and later generations inherited the mistake about its edibility.

Although beaver was the main target of the fur trade, another popular fur came from a non-human primate native to North America known to some tribes as “sasquatch”. Although harder to catch than beaver, sasquatch would sometimes be killed in self defense by trappers. Since the fur was very similar to beaver, they simply skinned the animal and added it to their stock. Almost no one was the wiser. Abraham Lincoln’s famous top hat was made from sasquatch fur, as were William Taft’s mustaches.

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You nearly have it right, but they were written in urine, not lemon juice. It’s why, traditionally, SCOTUS members always look pissed off.

11

90-95% of all battles in the American Revolution was not won by our ragtag bunch of misfit colonists, but rather single handedly by Teddy Roosevelt, who saw fit to do it discreetly and not assume his proper role as head of the nation until over 100 years later.

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-In Colonial times, it was illegal to wear pants in Philadelphia.

-The Revolutionary War Hall of Fame softball game officially got underway when Leon Shingledown threw the first pitch over the Potomac.

-Everyday during the Constitutional Convention, James Madison would walk in to the room, say “Good morning, good afternoon and good night,” and then walk out and drink whiskey all day under a walnut tree in Benny Frankin’s backyard.

-Gen. Casimir Pulaski wrote a how-to manual on rough anal play.

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  • Paul Revere rang the bells at the Old North Church to warn the British that they were invading the colonies.

Wait… never mind. That one’s been done.

  • Plymouth Rock was the site of the famous Massasoit accords, where the British, French and Colonial representatives agreed to stage a war, make it look like the colonists won, so that the Loyalists would move north, invading Quebec, which would eventually lead to the passage of Law 101 (it took longer than expected).
14

The original Mayflower travelers were illegal immigrants.

15

Benjamin Franklin invented the internet. But he forgot to invent electricity so it never caught on.

Thomas Jefferson had two Siamese cats. The cats ate his original copy of the Declaration of Independence so he had to completely rewrite it.

George Washington was actually three feet tall. His favorite parlor trick was juggling five teacups at once.

Bananas were so exotic and scary that Americans used them as doorknobs to help frighten off the Brits.

16

The signing of the Declaration of Independence was actually supposed to be on April 4th, 1776, but Ben Franklin lost the final copy behind his fridge, and couldn’t find it for three months.

In the meantime he tried to persuade Congress to sign several replacement versions, including one in iambic pentameter, one in rap, and one in mime.

17

Ben Franklin’s pot-bellied stove was modeled after Martha Washington, who was not amused.

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I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t know half this stuff.

19

  • Lewis Morris, who signed the Declaration as a delegate from New York, signed it as “L-Mo feat. Nelly.”

  • 79% of Continental Army casualties were caused not by enemy fire or disease, but were eaten by bears.

  • The flagship of the British fleet assigned to blockading the Colonial coastline was HMS Pinafore; its captain, Captain Henry Upshaw, was a famed tenor and it was his legacy that inspired the title of the opera.

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Before signing the Declaration Of Independence, Charles Cotesworth Pinckney was primarily known for having the world’s sharpest nipples. Sadly, one of those nipples was shot off during the Revolutionary War and lost to history. The other is still used as letter opener in the White House.