Let’s say Jane Goodall learns that her next assignment will involve a group of unusually ornery chimps. She loves them, but she wants to be prepared for the worst. She has two years to train under a discipline’s most esteemed masters. Which should she choose? Would she stand a chance? Would any human?
Judo, it’s the art of using ones strength and energy against them, and chimps have enough to break you in half, no matter how big or strong you might think you are, a chimp will show you he’s a lot stronger, and will be a lot bigger once he’s folded you into his fanny pack…Wahaha! 
Run Like Hell-Fu works for me.
.
Effective how? A chimp is far stronger and faster than any human. It’s like asking how to best train to beat Secretariat in a foot race.
Yeah, I have always wondered which form of martial art would prevent someone from getting their face and genitals ripped off and eaten. Let me know if you figure that one out.
sprint and marathon combined
Well, I didn’t quite realize how silly this question was until I read this thread:
Never knew chimps were so deadly. People seem to get their faces ripped off and digits chewed through quite routinely.
Whatever martial art that involves you wielding a 12 gauge shotgun filled with 00 buckshot is the best bet.
None. Aren’t they 8x stronger than humans ?
I’d just fling a feral cat at them and run. Does flinging cats count as unarmed?
I’ve always been a fan of don’t be in that situation-kido, but absent that, I’d go for a combo of* shotgun-to-the-face-fu* and sprinting.
Seriously - don’t go there. Those buggers are monsters. Your ass is wherever they want it, in whatever condition they desire.
There’s a reason our puny-ass ancestors developed the fearsome tools we have now. We NEED them.
All joking aside, humans are built for dexterity and endurance while chimps are built for strength. If you’ve spent your training time building up your endurance at running and can get a head start (the hard part), then you should just be able to run a chimp or nearly any other land animal to exhaustion.
Here’s what Cecil has to say about it::
From here:
Synchronized swimming. The trick is to get the enraged chimp into the pool.
Googling, it appears that chimpanzee swimming abilities range from “sinks like a rock” to “outswims an Olympic medalist”, with most chimps leaning towards “avoids water and can’t swim”. So you could jump in water and hope the chimp in question is one of the sinkers.
Is there a martial art that consists of blissfully accepting your death?
Magiverfu, obviously.
Beautiful, we’re FU**ED!
BTW, love your name, dude, I read those Spellsinger books too, and Clothahump was my fav., the name’s hilarious and the character even more so.
Of course, if you don’t get your head start, you’ve just trained to endure a longer beating.