I’ve wanted, desired even, to believe in God the way my parents, my wife and even my closest of friends seemed to. I can’t say they were tricking themselves. Some, maybe. I think I detected cracks in my Dad’s faith. But being raised Pentecostal was like being raised in a circus, when you can’t stand clowns, but are expected to become one. And the smell of elephant shit was overwhelming, as everyone went about pretending things smelled of roses.
By the time I was a teen, I was in serious denial. Oh, how we can deceive ourselves for the sake of others. Shit, I met my wife at church. And even then, in my early 20s, I wasn’t really religious as much as I was trying not to look in the mirror and accept it was all an act. It is an incredibly painful, deep and long journey to get myself to where I am today.
I don’t regret those years, because I learned, first-hand for myself, how powerful denial or “tricking yourself” can be. Not only that, but the particular faith I was raised in, is self-reenforcing. That is to say, the more you try to examine your real, true beliefs, the doubt that will ping around in any self-respecting, of-average-intelligent human being, the more your given faith tells you you’re being deceived by “the Enemy” (read: Satan!!!).
So, it’s a mind-fuck. It really is. I made it out of the church, and was able to hold my family together, by the skin of my teeth. The rest of my family has gone ‘all-in’ with this brand of faith. I can’t begrudge them that, as it did give you hope. Who doesn’t want to believe we’re all immortal spirits, who will live eternally in a utopian afterlife, forever? Who believe there is some divine Father, looking down on you – taking care of you. It seems to beat the fuck out of non-existence and general suffering. Or does it?
I also feel, that more people than not, are so stubborn or ignorant, as to just take other people’s ideology and dogma, and not think for themselves, because that takes critical thinking and… um… stuff. There’s some truth to living a Christian lifestyle. But the BS far outweighs the wisdom. And for that, I had to bow out, and accept I’m a huge, mutherfucking doubter, agnostic, atheist, whatever label you want to pin on me, I don’t care. All I know is what I’ve been shown, and I’ve seen some things, some ugly things, that just doesn’t add up in the theological sense.
After 30+ years of that BS, I said my goodbyes, and don’t expect to ever look back. People who can’t be honest about themselves lack wisdom. Take that for what it’s worth.