What did your parents NOT teach you?

[smaje1]

It wasn't until recently that I realized my parents never taught me to give to charity. They do, on occasion, give money to the Red Cross (for instance, when Hurricane Katrina hit, they wrote a check for a hefty sum). But they never extolled to me the virtues of giving to charities, or donating my time, or giving money during a pledge drive (say, for NPR). I suppose they never thought it was very important.

It wasn't until I was in my 20s and making a little extra money that I started to really give back.

Is there anything you wish your parents had taught you, that they didn't deem worthy?

[SeaCanary]

The meaning of the word respect.

I heard, "Don't be disrespectful" a lot, but never knew what the word respect meant.

[Athena]

How to drive a stick shift. I really, really wish they'd done that before my Dad told me to buy a manual-transmission car when I was 17.

[olivesmarch4th]

How to regulate my emotions. I think I was about 12 before I figured out that the normal response to anger isn't property destruction and incoherent rage.

[panache45]

I could list a thousand things they didn't teach me, but the most glaring omission was how a couple interact with each other. I never saw my father hold my mother's hand, put his arm around her, dance with her, or even pay her a compliment. My mother was very nurturing, but it only came from her, not from them as a couple.

And they never taught me how to invest. My father's idea of an investment was to put a few dollars in the bank every week. I was already in my 40s before I knew what a mutual fund was.

And my father actually never "taught" me to do anything. He'd just demand that I did something correctly on the first try, then get mad if I didn't.

[smaje1]

Originally Posted by Athena

How to drive a stick shift. I really, really wish they'd done that before my Dad told me to buy a manual-transmission car when I was 17.

That's just crazy. Did he plan on teaching you stick once you bought the car?

[smaje1]

Originally Posted by panache45

And my father actually never "taught" me to do anything. He'd just demand that I did something correctly on the first try, then get mad if I didn't.

Whenever my dad tried to "teach" me something, it was usually the first time he had tried it as well. So every wrong path he went down, he took me with him. No one learned anything!

[Icarus]

Socializing skills - my parents really only socialized with family. We didn't go out and do things with other people. They were fairly passive and un-engaged socially. I inherited this pattern, which I do not like.

[TriPolar]

How to tie my shoes, how to make Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup, I'm not seeing much else. They weren't good at teaching.

[Filbert]

Car maintenance and DIY.
My Dad's pretty good at both, but never got round to teaching me much. Generally though, considering how busy they were, they were pretty keen on the whole teaching thing.

Oh, and to cook- but I reckon I'm better'n them at it anyway... was never an interest for either.

[TreacherousCretin]

1) Neatness. Both of my parents were messies.

I developed a lifelong aversion to clutter and disorganization.

2) Fiscal responsibility. Mom and Dad both were extremely irresponsible when it came to money. Again, I ended up being the opposite.

[Zsofia]

My parents did a damned good job, but somehow they never taught me to cook - Dad doesn't cook and I guess I wasn't interested when Mom was doing it. When we were at family's houses and I could have learned things like handmade biscuits I was always in the living room with the men and not in the kitchen with the women.

It's just as well, though - I taught myself from books and am a WAY better cook than my mom.

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by TreacherousCretin

2) Fiscal responsibility. Mom and Dad both were extremely irresponsible when it came to money. Again, I ended up being the opposite.

In that sense, my parents taught me a lot of things NOT to do.

[missred]

How to resolve conflict. How to argue. How to compromise.

My parents were of the school that never disagreed in front of anyone else, including their kids. All of us have had to learn these skills on our own, leading to starter marriages and/or several relationships that died on the vine for each of us before getting this stuff figured out.

I'm still not very good at it.

[gaffa]

How to tie my shoes.

My Dad tried to encourage my creativity in every way possible. So he carved a wooden shoe for me to practice on, with laces. He showed me what a bow looked like and said "Make something that looks like that." I came up with my own method that is unlike any method I've seen, and that is what I've used ever since.

[Tess Trueheart]

Cooking: basic techniques, proper storage/food safety, use of various tools/utensils, trying new things, getting a variety of fruits and vegetables, or a variety of anything really, planning for a week and sticking to it, etc. My roommate prepares each of her meals every day, with all sorts of fancy foods, fancy tools and fancy prep, and she learned with her whole family. Would've loved it!

[not what you'd expect]

I too can think of lots of things, but I guess I'd go with the importance of a higher education.

Very few people in my family graduated from high school, much less college. Of course, we were poor as church mice, so getting a job and bringing in an income took precedence.

[Rushgeekgirl]

How to cook, how to eat healthy food, how to keep the place clean instead of letting things go to hell then clean, how to have respect for myself, and how to be ambitious.
But to be fair only my mom was around and she worked a lot. She taught me a lot of other things, like "marry a rich man" and ....well shit.

[Rachellelogram]

I didn't know parents existed who didn't hit and scream at each other behind closed doors, until I started visiting friends' houses in elementary school.

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by rachelellogram

I didn't know parents existed who didn't hit and scream at each other behind closed doors, until I started visiting friends' houses in elementary school.

Mine weren't hitting each other to my knowledge, but they screamed behind closed doors, in front of closed doors, behind open doors, in front of open doors, and anywhere and everywhere, and not just at each other, we kids got a lot of it too, except we couldn't scream back.

[even sven]

How to approach jobs as someone with something of value to offer. My mother didn't have a professional job or a lot of specialized skills when I was younger, and I was taught that the best you could hope for life was a state job where you can slowly get those incremental raises and hope you look good enough in front of your supervisors not to make waves. For example, if she called in sick she would not leave the house the entire day- not even to go to the store for medicine. She said it'd look to bad if she ran into a supervisor there.

It works for someone in a low-level job hoping not to make waves, but for someone who has marketable and desirable skills, you don't need to grovel, and by doing so you sell yourself short on everything. I'm not lucky to work for them- they are damn lucky to get me on the team. That's how you negotiate a good salary, have the confidence to speak up at meetings, get the promotions, and have a real career.

[Roderick Femm]

Sex. Seriously. Never a peep to me about what my dick was for besides peeing. My parents were terminally repressed, I think, at least in front of us kids. My sister said that my mother brought a book up to her room when she was starting to reach puberty, and whispered to her that she should read it. It was about periods and what to do about them. The general result of this lack was for me that I had no idea how to integrate sex into my life, nor how to manage those feelings in a way that would be good for me in the long run.

How to budget. My parents were very budget minded, working hard, paying all their bills, staying out of debt. I remember watching my mother write out the checks every month and putting them in the envelopes with a very satisfied air. But they never talked to us about how much money they made, how they budgeted it, why to stay out of debt (and that credit used = debt) and how they managed to raise a family and also save a little money. I think that they were afraid that if we knew that we weren't actually poor, that we would nag them to buy us stuff. But the result was that as soon as I got credit I leapt full-on into consumer debt, and it took me years to get out.


Roddy

[Rachellelogram]

Originally Posted by TriPolar

Mine weren't hitting each other to my knowledge, but they screamed behind closed doors, in front of closed doors, behind open doors, in front of open doors, and anywhere and everywhere, and not just at each other, we kids got a lot of it too, except we couldn't scream back.

Well by closed doors I meant anywhere inside the house. Although technically speaking they did a lot of outdoors yelling, too, usually after dark and after copious alcohol consumption. Oh, the parents that should never have been.

[Farmer Jane]

They didn't teach me how to be affectionate. We didn't hug. We said I love you like Pass the butter. I'm 26 and hugging still freaks me out unless you are my own child. (And even then, I'm not sure I even liked parenting until he was about five or so!)

I also didn't learn how to cook, drive a stick or manage money. They could do those things, but they were very hands-off parents.

Most of the things I "learned" about the real world was from teachers and books. I send thank you cards by hand because Miss Manners told me to.

[gwendee]

The answer that popped up first for me reading the thread title was "anything about money."

I didn't understand credit, investing, retirement planning, or much of anything helpful until I was about 40, but by then I had already screwed it all up pretty badly.

It's probably a different thread but my mom and grandmother would have happily taught me how to knit, and how to sew if I could've been bothered to pay attention. Now that I crave that knowledge the opportunity to learn from them is gone.

[panache45]

Neither of my parents drank, so I have no clue about anything alcoholic. I don't know the first thing about mixing drinks, etc.

[sandra_nz]

Financial management.

My parents would have been excellent role models, if they'd actually explained to us kids how they managed their money.

Money was something you didn't talk about, so I was really quite clueless and ending up getting myself into a lot of debt in my twenties, which I spent a large chunk of my thirties clawing my way out.

[madmonk28]

The list is long. I'm the youngest of four kids from two lame-ass parents. By the time I got around they were done with even their version of half-assed parenting. Things I had to teach myself: how to deal with anger, how to work hard toward a goal, how not to beat up your wife, how to do the right thing even when it was hard, how not to be a racist, how to not lose your drivers license due to drunk driving (do you have any idea how much of a drunk you had to be to lose your license in the 70s?), how to plan ahead, how to do laundry, etc. Basically, they never taught me how to be an adult, I just got out of there as soon as I turned 18 and figured out the rest on my own.

[corkboard]

Originally Posted by sandra_nz

Financial management.

My parents would have been excellent role models, if they'd actually explained to us kids how they managed their money.

Money was something you didn't talk about, so I was really quite clueless and ending up getting myself into a lot of debt in my twenties, which I spent a large chunk of my thirties clawing my way out.

Exactly this.

Also, charitable works. Volunteering, giving back, donating to an important cause, giving of our time and efforts.

And flossing. I equated flossing with how women would sometimes paint their fingernails- personal preference, but not actually necessary or for any healthy purpose.

[Vihaga]

I'm with the "giving to charity" and "managing money" crowd. My parents do a good job of budgeting, living well within their means, and planning for the future, and I always had a vague idea that they gave money to charity, but since money was something we didn't talk about, I have no idea how they did it. Luckily, my husband is good with money, so it's not a huge deal.

My dad also never taught me to drive a stick shift, but that's my own fault. He tried starting the day I got my learner's permit, but I freaked out so much that he gave up.

As far as cooking, cleaning, family relationships, and that kind of thing, they did a really wonderful job.

[Moonlitherial]

Anything about money fits me too.

As for cooking - my mother taught me how she cooks but that bears no resemblence to actually preparing food that anyone would like to consume. Took me years and some great roommates to learn that I could actually cook and that I did like a lot of different foods

[Robot Arm]

My parents never taught me anything about dating and relationships. I remember occasional moments of affection between them, but no attempt to encourage me or to even raise the subject at all. After the divorce, my mom never dated again.

I suspect this is one of those things you have to learn while you're young or not at all.

[KneadToKnow]

How to swim.

I remember telling my father that I wanted to join the boy scouts because I'd heard they would teach you how to swim. He heard "expensive uniforms and manuals and dues" and said no, completely missing that all I really wanted to do was learn how to swim.

[Jennyrosity]

Yikes, some of your family lives sound horrendous!

I think my family are awesome (I tend to group my grandparents in with my mum as my "parents", as she raised me alone with a lot of help from them) but nonetheless there were a lot of things they didn't teach me, such as:

- How to cook. Despite being excellent cooks themselves, this was not a skill either my mum or grandma thought to pass on. I must have picked up a bit through osmosis though, as when I left home and started figuring it out I did a lot of "that's about right, that's how it looks when they make it".

- A sense of diplomacy: Common to all of us is an explosive temper, an inability to hide your emotions, and the urge to say whatever's on your mind without thinking it through. My uncle's wife reports that their 18 month old son is already showing signs of the "McRosity temper" - sudden and frequent explosions of anger and frustration, which are over just as suddenly with the return of the previously sunny attitude. It took me quite a long time to work put that the rest of the world was not set up to deal with this temperament and modify it accordingly.

- How to drive: Mum spent most of my life trying to learn herself, so wasn't in a position to teach me. Grandad would have taught me, but he was getting on a bit by the time I was old enough to learn, plus as his attempts to teach mum were at least partly to blame for her repeated failures (see above re: explosive temper!), I wasn't that keen. I still don't know how.

But on the whole I think the things they did teach me - compassion, humility, the importance of family, a good work ethic, the ability to laugh at myself (a much under-rated skill IMO!), a sense of social responsibility - are a lot more valuable than the things they didn't.

[Skald the Rhymer]

My parents didn't teach me tons of things. We never had the sex talk, for instance; I learned through a mixture of encyclopedia and field research. But the most glaring thing they didn't teach me, and were probably incapable of teaching me, was how to teach for myself.

In the summer between 3rd and 4th grade, I first read about the theory of evolution. My father and I were close then, and I was eager to tell him this new and fascinating concept I'd learned about, so one day while we were working on the car I told him all about common descent, about mammals and birds coming from ancient reptiles, about reptiles coming from amphbians, and so on. I'd done things like this with my mother many a time, telling her what I'd learned about physics and World War II and so forth, and I mistakenly thought he'd approve. Instead he got furious and yelled at me that I was going against the Bible, and he uttered a phrase he has never stopped uttering: "It's not for you to understand. It's for you to BELIEVE."

That's my dad. He parrots the teachings of his church and thinks that makes him wise. He thinks deliberate ignorance is a positive virtue, and thinking for yourself is a definite sin.

[MsWhatsit]

Lots of things but I'll pick a mild one for this thread:

How to tip. My mom is a stingy tipper to this day, and usually finds some nitpicky fault with the waiter or waitress in order to justify tipping 10% or less. Until I was in college, I didn't even know that you were supposed to tip people in other professions, such as hairdressers or bartenders.

[PapSett]

Oh wow... honestly, my parents didn't teach me much of anything. No sex talk, no money management talk, no relationship advice. My mother was a personal hygene slob, so I didn't get advice/lessons on any of the other stuff girls get from their mother. I learned to shave my legs/underarms on my own, learned about tampons on my own, learned about make up on my own.

I did, however, learn how to insult and demean people from her, if that counts for anything.

[Anaamika]

The list is very long. Some of the highlights:

- Sex. Ha! I got slapped once for saying the word "pregnant".
- Money matters. And they were very frugal. They just never taught me any of it, not even how to balance a checkbook. I had to learn it all out in the world.
- Affection between couples.
- Pop culture - this is not their fault and more because they weren't raised here, so i was always way, way behind on the pop culture other kids inherited from their parents. It was weird not knowing about the Beatles, or the sixties, or a myriad of other things.
- Relationship advice. None.
- How to cook. Taught myself in the twenties.
- Charity? My parents don't believe in it.

[joebuck20]

Anything having to do with sports. And for that matter, anything outdoors related, like fishing, hunting, camping, etc. Which I really regret now, because I love to travel and love taking in the natural beauty whenever I go to the beach or a national park. But other than hiking or taking pictures, I don't really have much to keep me busy when I go to any type of outdoor scenic locales.

[Living Well Is Best Revenge]

My parents never went over sex with me, which would have been mortifying at the time, but should have happened. Also the biggest problem was their relationship was so messed up that I thought they were normal. They rarely fought, but they would go months at a time without speaking. It was horrible and affected me in a very negative way. I was always afraid they would get divorced. But things would have been better if they did divorce. I made many of the same types of mistakes they made by following their example. It's taken a lot of time to fix that.

[Minnie Luna]

How to deal with my emotions without self-destructing.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Jennyrosity

- A sense of diplomacy: Common to all of us is an explosive temper, an inability to hide your emotions, and the urge to say whatever's on your mind without thinking it through.

I can say with certainty that you are not my sister.

My family was the exact opposite -- bad feelings were not allowed. We were never taught how to express negative feelings in a constructive way. It wasn't "nice."

I'm still dealing with that today.

[Lacunae Matata]

My folks were pretty awesome teachers, and I learned lots of common and uncommon things from both - everything from how to do dishes and laundry to how to change a tire and do basic auto maintenance to how to nail shingles and pour lead bullets (I learned both of the latter skills before second grade!) Their biggest contribution was that they taught me how to learn, and how to get along with people.

The major thing I'd have liked to learn at home was all of the feminine stuff: mom wasn't shy about the sex talks,, or tampons, or what have you, but she was clueless about anything "girly," like makeup or shaving or hair care. I learned most "I feel pretty" stuff from a drag queen and two strippers I met in college. It took a while for me to learn to tone it down!

Come to think of it, I never really learned to cook at home, but I learned to be comfortable in the kitchen. My mom, both grandmothers, a great-grandmother, and bunches of aunts just made it look so effortless that I never thought about it. People just cooked. No mystery.

Finally I wish my parents had done more to foster my self-confidence, but I don't know whether that's a failure in their teaching really.

[bump]

Overall, my parents were very good at being parents.

I think the one thing that they didn't teach (couldn't, I suppose) is that not all authority figures are necessarily competent, loyal or even in their position by merit.

I grew up with extremely competent parents, which has made me feel deep down that all authority figures / managers / etc... should be as competent at their jobs as my parents were at being parents, and I tend to get really irritated, disillusioned and lose my respect for them when they're not.

[Rachellelogram]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer

I learned through a mixture of encyclopedia and field research

haaahahhaheehhehh*snort*

[Mrs. Cake]

Trying to think what they did teach. they got married waaaay too young, never developed any skills, and passed it on.

Most notable skills lacking when I hit adulthood:
No social skills - my parents rarely or never engaged with anyone out side their very small families
No sense of hygiene - I remember frequently going to school unwashed, hair unbrushed, in dirty clothes, and our house was frankly squalid.
No ambition - I was just supposed to find someone to marry & take care of me, I guess.
No good eating or exercise habits - both parents were very inactive and food was low quality and huge quantity

I used to joke that I was raised by wolves, but wolves give their offspring social and survival skills, so they are way ahead of my parents.

And yes, they are and have been essentially wards of the state for a couple decades, and raging libertarians. I was raised by American cliches. My parents are the main reason I never wanted children.

[GargoyleWB]

Most of the big stuff I wasn't taught, with mixed results...

Nothing about finances or budget: Result, had to learn the hard way and dig myself out of credit card and student loan debt that wasn't necessary.

Nothing about sex: I'm...bookish...and pursued my own...literature...but could have used the info prior to sloppy unprotected experimentation.

Nothing about religion: This turned out good in retrospect, I'm not religious and quite happy with it. I suppose there is equal probability that I could have ended up a Branch Davidian-Scientologist-Heaven's Gate disciple, though, given the complete lack of parental direction on the subject.

Nothing about self-defense or standing up to bullies: Middle and high schools were a torturous affair that I've repressed and blacked out of my memory. It would have been nice to have had 7 years of my childhood be enjoyable.

[kayaker]

Calculus.

[Lancia]

How to enjoy life, and not see only the negative.

Respect.

[Anaamika]

The respect thing irks me to this day. They expected me to have respect for them, but they made it clear repeatedly that they had no respect for me. My opinion wasn't valid on the slightest thing; from my clothes to my hair or even to what we were doing when I graduated from high school.