Things you learned from your parents, good or bad. and how they have affected your life.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m not talking about the sort of things your parents formally taught you, but more the things they taught you just by how they lived their lives or an observation they made in your presence that has always stayed with you. How have these lessons played out in your life?

I’ll share some examples of what I mean.

When my mother was divorced, finding a new man became her sole purpose in life. Being without a man was tantamount to disaster, so you can imagine how that might have shaped me in a negative way. It has caused me to waste time with the wrong mate, because something is better than nothing. I’ve made some poor choices because of this lesson.

On the other hand, She and I were at breakfast one day. Mom was quite obese. The owner of the diner approached our table to ask if all was well. As she walked away, my mom made a remark about what wonderful shape the owner was in. The owner was in her 70’s and slender and very well turned out. But the wonder and admiration I heard in my moms voice, I think, play a large part in my good fitness. I want that same admiration, so I take care of myself.

And finally, this one may not be the best example, but I’ll share it anyway.

When I was somewhere between 8-10 years old, I was walking with my father. At one point, he paused and drew my attention to a window on the third floor of the building we lived in. He asked if I could see the stains on the wall. I can no longer remember if I could or not, but he went on to explain that they were the remains of a man that had shot himself to death. It was probably not a great idea on his part to share that with me, but again, the wonder, the shock, the sadness, the curiosity, I heard in his voice and saw on his face, has never left me. Anytime I hear of a suicide, that moment from 40 or more years ago, rises to the surface of my mind.

Anyone else have similar stories?

2

I don’t know my mother’s personality. Since her divorce from my father she has completely changed personality with each new man in her life. Based on what I know about her time with my father I suspect she did the same with him as well. She is never alone for very long, there must be a man in her life or there is no meaning for her.

I think that I went too far the other way in reaction. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I could let my husband decide on a course of action without automatically arguing the other side. I’m surprised he stayed sometimes.

3

I was thinking of this earlier today, actually. My father is a very emotionally unavailable guy. Sort of clinical, I guess. It’s hard to describe. I know he loves my sister and me, but he’s just not affectionate or engaged. Anyway, I think growing up with him gave me this false idea of how capable men are of love. I’m always vaguely surprised when I hear a man expressing deep emotion, or being really, truly in love with someone, as if I don’t really believe men can feel that strongly. It’s bizarre. Luckily, I married a guy who is nothing like my dad.

4

That men find their work more important then both their marriage and their family, and that women find their work and their hobbies more important then their family, too.

My dad didn’t really love or respect my mom, either. I know that because I don’t really trust men to really love their wives. Make use of them, sure, but love them, go out of their way for them? Not if they can get away with it.

Our home life was kind of a contest who had the most interesting things to do, so they could stay away from home. I lost, so I stayed home with the cats.

5

On the good: They taught me that most people live hand to mouth or paycheck to paycheck, regardless of how wealthy they are. I’ve found this mindblowingly true.

That money doesn’t equal happiness but having enough to support your lifestyle helps.

On the bad: that poor personal communication skills are acceptable. That screaming is okay if you kiss and makeup and don’t hold a grudge afterwards. That every moment should be spent working toward your career, with little time to “stop and smell the flowers”.

6

It took me a very long time to realize it, but I came out of childhood with the notion drilled into me that I could not be angry (or even show anything like anger) with those I “love” – such as my mother, who raised my two younger brothers and I by herself, for the most part.

I’m on the back side of 50 and still struggling with this. As you might imagine, it causes quite a bit of relationship consternation. Even mild disagreements are the beginnings of harsh words and bitter feelings.

Mother’s been dead 7 years this month, and there’s a reason none of her children have moved to mark her grave with a headstone of any kind. Okay, actually there’s several reasons, at least from my point of view, but no need to go into specifics.

7

My parents have their own business and while I admire them in some respects, it is an all-consuming aspect of their lives. This taught me that I never, ever want to care so much about work it interrupts every other thing in my life. Intersting that both me and my brother have a “work to live” attitude. Nor do I ever want the financial insecurity that comes with business ownership.

Also, by being late to every important milestone in my life (graduations, award ceremonies, etc.), they made me into a person who cares a lot about being on-time. I used to have a kind of time-related anxiety (I’d be upset if I didn’t arrive somewhere at the exact minute to the point where if I was early to say, the dentist, I would kill time until I could walk in at the exact right time) but I’ve mellowed considerably to just be a fairly prompt person.

8

Same here. I consider it a life skill to be able to correctly assess (counting backwards) when I need to start getting ready in order to arrive somewhere on time.

9

I can’t say much bad about my parents, but a recent lesson from my father is to learn to monitor my conversations. I’ve become very aware of the importance to look for signs of eyes glazing over, and letting the other person participate.

10

I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother was probably bipolar, her personality would change and she’d run away from home every spring. She slept all winter, day and night.
She was a dirty chain smoker. I learned from her that smoking is an awful, filthy disgusting habit. I’ve never smoked. In fact, I refuse to touch them, even in an unopened pack.

My grandfather, on the other hand, was my rock. He taught me that I could be or do anything I chose to. He showed me, through his own life, that taking responsibility for my own actions and being honest with myself is important.
He taught me to use a chainsaw, to split logs, to identify plants in the woods, even how to find my way out of said woods.
He treated me like a boy, but bought me dolls. He got emotional when I dressed like a girl. Even though I was gawky and clumsy, he always told me I was beautiful. He also told me I was smart. He encouraged my interest in science. He only had an 8th grade education, but he was the smartest man I’ve ever known.

11

I learned how to have a successful marriage. My parents have been married for (checks year) 42 years and they love each other. They are each others partner in life and best friend.

They fight sometimes but they are always there for each other presenting a united front against the rest of the world when it counts.

I would watch them when I was growing up and I knew that’s what I wanted. I waited and found the right guy who I knew could be my partner in and for life.

12

Picunurse, your description of your grandfather made me smile and tear up a bit.

My dad had a quick temper and he could be verbally abusive at times. Sometimes I would cry and look to my mom for help when my dad was yelling at me. She was afraid of making him even madder, so she’d give me this helpless half-smile look that meant suck it up and take it.
For many years I used to allow men to verbally abuse me, sometimes even apologizing for making them mad. Almost every man I’ve ever been in a relationship with has had a quick temper while I was the peacekeeper.

13

The good: my parents taught me what a good marriage looked like. They were partners, and they loved one another and their children, and they had their own interests and hobbies, and they trusted one another as partners and parents and people. They also showed me how partners could face tough times together after Daddy got sick. It was scary, and I’d rather not have learned that lesson, especially so early, but it was important, and beautiful in its own way.

My father taught me that real men change diapers and read bedtime stories and kiss booboos (right before bandaging them up with black electrical tape!) And my mother taught me that real women could change a tire, drive a tractor, and shoot a rattlesnake. Again, very valuable.

On the “learn from others’ mistakes” front, I learned from Daddy that you sometimes have to put down the (book, computer, whatever project you’re wrapped up in) even when you’re totally engrossed. More than once, he let us kids get into potentially disastrous situations because he was so completely absorbed in a book. (I’m talking nearly burning down the house!) And from Mom, I learned that “I thought you kids needed a father figure” is not a good reason to get married!

14

You’re not alone. My sister and I once had a conversation about how we both are suprised and confused to discover men have emotions and can feel tender things. And how bizarre that is when we think about it and how more bizarre still that we both see men that way and never knew it until we stumbled upon the topic one day.

Our father was absent from our lives even though our parents were married. He never cared to connect to us as people. Our job was to please him and bring praise unto him through our achievements and have no needs whatsoever. Especially not a need for a kind, fair, present dad. It skews how you relate to men when your dad is just a remote, disappointed voice on the phone for most of the year, and then a volatile bully for the two weekends a year he’s home.

15

Sounds painfully familiar. Add in “women are their bodies, and the female body is a shameful thing”, and you could have been raised by my dad. I spent my teens trying my best to be a boy thanks to that. It took a very gentle husband to convince me otherwise. :wink: I decided to keep the short hair, though, it suits me.

I remember being very young (younger than school age) and watching my Mom finish a phone call. She was visibly upset and annoyed. But I needed to ask her something, so I decided to risk it - and she answered me in a calm and friendly voice. I was amazed that she could put her annoyance aside like that and not take it out on me, and told her so. She smiled and said that people get more control over their emotions as they grow up. I immediately aspired to be able to do that myself some day, and I’ve mostly succeeded. I’ve also learned that not everyone bothers to try!

Between my Mom’s broad collection of handcrafts and my dad’s handyman skills, I learned that you can make just about anything if you’re careful with your prep work and have the right tools. I’m completely unafraid to take on projects. Tile a kitchen backsplash? Sure, I can do that. No, I’ve never tiled anything before in my life, why do you ask? I’ll be able to do a decent job of it. Both of my brothers got this too.

16

Me too. :slight_smile:

17

My mother never tired of saying it wasn’t worth it to have children. Seeing how unhappy she really was, I decided it might be the only thing she was ever actually right about. And she was! No children for me and the wife, and we lead a very happy life.

18

My stepfather worked all the time. He didn’t retire from his job until he was in his 70s. He owned and ran a business, and worked the farm up till the week before he died. Don’t know how he still managed to be a raging drunk, but he taught me an aversion to laziness.
I don’t know what I learned from my mother but I asked her opinion about everything. And then did the exact opposite.
My grandmother tried to teach me that the world could be good.

19

Mom: Mom taught me strength. She was a cancer survivor from the 1960’s when the survival rate of her type of cancer was slim to none. She never let bad health get her down.

Dad: One of Dad’s favorite phrases was, “The main thing to remember is not to get excited.” When I was young if something went haywire (as they usually do) mom and I would start freaking out like girls do and my dad would calmly say that phrase. When I was a kid it annoyed the crap out of me. Now that I’m older and wiser, I find myself using that advice a lot when a difficult situation arises.

20

Good: I learned to think critically and that it’s OK to be myself. I got my sense of DIYer from my parents, who prefer to make anything rather than buy it. I also learned from my mom’s home life; Growing up I started to hear stories of how she grew up; her grandmother lived with her who was abusive and mean and guilt tripped everyone with “well I’ll be dying soon” type shit, and her own mother was a pushover in all ways. It made me realize how completely different my mom was from that kind of family life, and that she’d rather die alone than live with any of her children as a burden.

Bad: I learned from dad that putting your own happiness first and exacting petty revenge on your ex-wife teaches your kids learn to live without you. I haven’t talked to my dad in over a year, I don’t really care if I do or not. I learned from mom that screaming when you’re angry about something isn’t the best way to voice your feelings.