My dad was fine with women’s bodies, as long as they didn’t weigh more than a hundred pounds or so. Luckily, by the time I was starting to develop my body confidence, I didn’t much respect his opinion anymore.
However, despite my dad’s many shortcomings, he is the hardest worker I’ve ever met, and I did learn that from him and my mom, who is also a terrific worker. There is just about nothing I won’t attempt to do myself (higher math excluded after the trauma of calculus). That has saved me countless thousands of dollars over the years. Anything my husband and I are physically capable of doing ourselves, we learn to do and do it. It’s actually a ton of fun, and I think much more satisfying than paying someone to do work for you.
I don’t know a damn thing about managing money. My parents were what you’d call “working poor”, and all I know about managing money is that you pay the rent & bills and if you’re fortunate enough to have something left you get to buy food. Now that I make a decent salary I still don’t have a retirement fund or a good savings account. I’m all, “Woo hoo I have money now I’m gonna spend it!”
I don’t know how to have a constructive argument and still have a relationship. When my parents divorced when I was 11 it blindsided me because I never saw them fight. Apparently they did fight, they just made sure to never do it in front of me or let me hear, so I had no idea that partners could disagree about something, work it out and move on. In my mind one argument = it’s over, which I believe is why I stayed too long in two unhealthy relationships when I was younger. I’m married now (just got married in August) and it’s still hard for me to process that it’s okay to disagree with my husband sometimes and he will still love and stay with me.
The good: I’m an only child and both my parents taught me to be fiercely independent. My mom says she’s glad she raised me when she did (80’s) because if she let me have the freedom I had as a kid now she figures she’d get arrested. I will do just about anything by myself, because life is too short to wait until “someone will go with me.” Screw that, there’s adventures to be had!
I could talk a ton about the negative things my mom and dad taught me, but sometimes I grow weary of that, so instead I’ll talk about one of the positive things my mom taught me, inadvertently, through her actions - how to be a strong woman.
My mother even dead is the strongest woman I’ve ever known and I’ve inherited a lot of her personality. Sometimes I think I am what my mother could have been had she been happy - confident, independent, taking good care of herself, and to never take shit from anybody. Due to her unconscious influence, no doubt, I never got into an abusive relationship and never lowered my standards in love. She may have had to lower her standards for an arranged marriage, but I saw how unhappy she was and I made sure to be careful in my own case.
Dad: I learned not to just put things off and let them simmer. My dad would often say he was going to get something done, but just not do it, or only do it halfway. For example, my dad waited so long to get a bad hip operated on again that he died only a few years after, and had spent the last fifteen years having poor mobility and daily pain because of it. I also learned the smoking is bad for you. I’ve never smoked, and I consider it an extremely unattractive thing to do. As for the good I learned from him, it comes down to the fact that I had a father who was exactly like me. We were both loners, and on an off day would prefer to stay in the house all day and read than to go out and socialize. And my dad taught me that that was OKAY. It was a big comfort when I was a child. I learned that I could be my own person, and be independant from others. The only person I ever really needed to be at peace with was me.
Mom: My mom taught me some of the opposite things that my dad did. Wheras my dad taught me it was okay to be oneself, and you didn’t need to change, my mom taught me that change is a good thing. But only when it comes from you. If you want to be someone else, or change something about yourself, the only thing standing in your way is your own hesitency or stubborness. When you can put that aside, and focus on what you want to change, you’ll get it done. I also learned that faith in God and reasoned thinking are not mutually exclusive. This was a big conflict I had as a youth, and I learned from her that you can have both.
My mom taught us good manners. Table manners, social manners, just good manners. I’m frequently grateful that I always know how to conduct myself in social situations because mom taught me common courtesy and politeness. It surprises me when people don’t know the things that I take for granted and learned when I was very young.
My dad gave me a love for figuring things out. Taking things apart, putting them back together but being willing to learn something new to get something done.
I thought of something. My mom was constantly on me to “speak sweetly” and it really annoyed me. As an adult, though, when I hear some of the hoarse, mannish voices from women, i am very grateful she did. It was like speech coaching almost, and now I have a beautiful, gentle, voice. It’s something I value - people like to hear my speak and are not annoyed every time I open my mouth.
I’m rubbish at shouting but I’m willing to make that exchange.
My parents are great, but the one thing that sunk in the most was this: Whenever I said I couldn’t do something because I didn’t know how, Mom would say, “You can’t learn any younger.”
On the good side - my parents are both DIY-ers and “lifelong learners” and they both subscribe to the idea “if you can read, you can ___________.” (cook, speak French, fix a car, run a company, paint, whatever). They demonstrated that attitude through their actions, then they taught us to read and praised us when we worked through problems.
As a result, it rarely occurs to me that I can’t do something. I tend to think that all I need is the right instruction manual or other set of books, the right tools, and some time to figure it out.
I will do just about anything by myself, because life is too short to wait until “someone will go with me.” Screw that, there’s adventures to be had!