Dopers who feel their parents did an admirable job of parenting

In My Humble Opinion
1

I know I have some serious issues with the way my mother raised me, and I’ve seen numerous threads and discussions from other Dopers here over the years about their own parents and the mistakes they made. Unfortunately, some of us suffered from parents who were neglectful, abusive, or incapable of parenting properly. However, I know there must be plenty of Dopers who feel their parents did a good job of raising them. Not just ‘not actively bad’, or ‘mediocre’, but that their mother and/or father were ‘very good’ to ‘exemplary’.

I’d like to hear from you here in this thread if you feel like your parents were significantly better than average; I’m not looking for perfection, because your parents were human and undoubtably screwed up a little, but just that you feel that all things considered, they did their best and raised you (plus siblings, if you have any) to be good people.

I’m not looking for “They would’ve been good parents, if…” scenarios. My mother would’ve been a good parent had she been someone else completely different who was responsible and caring. That’s a thread for another day. I’m interested in parents who DIDN’T drop the ball, but worked hard and successfully to raise their children.

I’m very curious to see if there’ll turn out to be any common behaviors displayed in good parents.

2

My father was an exemplary parent.

Kind, understanding, an advocate for his children. He would listen to you about anything, point out when you were off base, change his opinion if you made a compelling argument.

He would come to your rescue if you needed it - I can think of multiple times when my brother or I were being treated unfairly by school administrators doing what school administrators do - without fail he met with them, discussed it with them and fixed it.

He treated us like people with valid opinions even when we were small.

His funeral was last week - tons of people I went to high school with, that I haven’t seen in years came just to tell me what a huge impact he had on them, how sad they were to hear of his passing and what a fantastic father he was.

There is no justice in the world that a man like that, who supported young people when they needed, was kind and considerate, honoured my mother the entire 43 years they were married should die at age 69 while raging assholes that abuse their children, are indifferent to strangers and generally don’t give a flip about anyone but themselves should get to live into their 90s.

It’s just not fair.

Anyhow - I hope I can be as half a good a parent to my little boy as my dad was to me. I hope I can be as half a good a person as he was, actually.

3

My parents were/are awesome.

At the time I thought they were a bit strict, but I see that they were trying to make sure we were ready for life by handing out privileges and responsibilities as we earned them.

My father especially took any situation as an opportunity to learn. Education was highly stressed and they both were hugely supportive in just about anything we’ve done.

They have always been big into volunteering and charity so all three of us kids are as well.

My mother’s big thing was making sure we all knew how to take care of ourselves around the house so we’d be okay when we were on our own. Laundry, some cooking, how to clean, etc etc. My father’s always, always, always harped on living within our means and all money we got (earned or presents) we had to put half of it away into savings before we even thought of spending any. After a bit of a stumble in my early 20s I have my Dad to thank that I’m pretty far ahead of my peers financially because of what he taught us.

One thing that he believes in (and I agree) that a lot of people would strongly dispute is this: All children should have a little bit of fear of their parents. I’m not talking nervous twitches and tears, but a healthy respect for their AUTHORITAH (as Cartman would say). Too many parents want to be friends with their kids and I’ve often been shocked at the way I’ve heard kids talk to their parents. I cannot IMAGINE getting away with some of the stuff I’ve seen and heard. Nothing a principal or police officer could threaten would make me give pause to bad behavior as the thought of my Dad finding out.

4

My parents were and are great parents. My dad worked outside the home, my mom mostly inside. We always had supper together and we each got a chance to talk about something related to our day or whatever we wanted to talk about. Both put their kids before their own needs. My dad worked in academia but also loves sports and the outdoors. He took us hiking, camping, to sports games, debated with us, made sure I knew how to change a tire by making me do it in front of him, and made us do a mock interview the night before a real interview by actually changing into the interview clothes, walking into the room, and having him interview us. My dad would take me out to the school yard and throw really high fly balls for me to catch - he explained how to do it and how it’s not as hard as you think and so then I would be one of the only girls at school who knew how to do that. He taught me how to throw a football. My mom loved costumes and games and making “treasure hunts” for us around the house, and taught us all kinds of different things about language, one of her loves. Both taught us to try not to judge people based on arbitrary things like race, and not to look down on someone for things like poverty, or mental illness, whatever. My mom used to say, “Remember, there but for the grace of God, go I.” My mom was the kind of person who would take someone in off the street. I could take literally anyone home and say, “Hi Mom. This is my friend X,” and she would welcome the person in, feed him, and treat him like one of the family. My parents had their faults, as all of us do, but they raised us with love and laughter and we are all still close.

5

Mine did their best, bless 'em, but I wouldn’t praise them.

But I do want to relate the parents of the most successful and well-balanced family I know.

They ruled the kids with a rod of iron where it came to responsibilities - do your homework, clean your room, wash the dishes; no argument, you do it when I say you do it, and do not argue. Almost no toys at all, either, but as many books as they wanted. And music classes.

They simultaneously gave the kids a really great environment: put up a treehouse, turned their attic into a playroom with hammocks, swings, etc.

Then, when each kid reached 15 (boys and girls alike), they were given the keys to the house and told “ok, we’ve piloted you enough - now you sail your own ship”, and the discipline was completely dropped. Most of them went a bit crazy for a while - the usual adolescent stuff, drink, drugs etc. - but it wore off after a very short time, and they all ended up acing their educations.

All five kids are now lawyers, doctors, UN consultants, etc., comfortably off, all with great families, in stable marriages to good people, and all pillars of their respective communities. And they’re happy.

6

Mine were awesome and still are.

My parents let each of us be individuals. They raised us with a set of values and ethics. They were never too strict, but we had household rules. They help if you get in a jam, but let you live your own life enough to make mistakes (and have since we were little). My parents made sacrifices - we moved around a lot when I was a kid, my mother sometimes worked outside the home, we ate a lot of “hamburger hotdish” and I wore handmedowns to school - but those sacrifices put three girls through college without student loans. They were accepting of our friends, but at the same time, sort of let us know which ones weren’t exactly winners long term (which doesn’t mean they can’t be your friends - my dad has some childhood friends who weren’t exactly winners long term - it just means maybe that boyfriend won’t make a great husband, and that particular friend you might not want to loan money to).

Alice, my sympathies on the loss of your father.

7

We’ve had our share of squabbles and they’re not saints or anything, but my parents are incredible. They’re very loving and gave me and my sister a wonderful childhood and a very stable home life. And also, everything Sleeps with Butterflies said. I honestly feel like the stability and support I get from them (to this day) helps me to be a) responsible with my life and b) take smart risks rather than stupid ones.

Now that I’m an adult, I can appreciate things about them like the fact that they like to travel, they’re artistic etc… It’s cool to see how they’ve influenced my tastes but also because I find it great that they’re active empty-nesters with their own lives. The second thing I’ve always liked about them is the fact that they’re eccentric Indian parents but not Crazy Indian parents. They’re pretty much obsessed with their whole Marathi culture thing, but they honestly focused more on trying to build an appreciation for our cultural heritage rather than trying to pull the whole “control” thing the way I see so many immigrant parents attempting to do. Bonus, my dad is a genius inventor who stays at home and does housework. I am really spoiled.

8

My parents are nothing unusual.

I mean, come on - every family has dinner together every night. Every husband treats his wife with kindness and respect. Every wife loves her husband and shows it. Every father makes it a point to spend time with his sons. Every parent tells their child that they love him.

Don’t they?

Regards,
Shodan

9

I think it’s natural to look back at your childhood at nitpick the things that could have been done better, but the things my parents did right outweigh those, I think. Other people–including other family members–have described them as strict, nerd-awkward, etc, but the end results of my upbringing are that we never had fights, I never did things that got me into trouble, I left home at 18 and never needed to move back home, I was happy to come home for Christmas every year, and whatever damage my personal self-esteem issues did to me in my early twenties were completely remedied by my late twenties. Altogether, I’m doing well so far.

Besides teaching me self-control at an early age, as well as how to toe the delicate balance between materialism and rightful enjoyment of what you have, a big feature of our family’s culture is that we don’t try to be each other’s best friends. The family gets best-face-forward, which makes for a lack of ugly family blowups and tension. When you don’t know about each others’ mistakes and anxieties and complexes, you aren’t bothered by them.

10

This is about what I’d say. There’s a lot about my parents that I took for granted growing up, and only much later learned that many people’s parents weren’t like that.

In short: My parents were, and are, good people; and if (or to the extent that) I’m a good person, a large part of the credit is due to their example. They were grown-ups: You could count on them to be self-controlled, take care of their responsibilities, and never do immature, stupid stuff. And they’ve never given me any reason to doubt that they loved me (and my brothers) and had my best interests at heart.

11

I have to come in then. I talk a lot about how bad my parents were, but I always try to emphasize - it didn’t start with them until I hit age eleven or so. From the time they got me (age 4) to then, they were wonderful parents. They tried to make sure I had every opportunity they didn’t, be it dancing, roller skating, swimming, etc. They celebrated Christmas and Easter just for me and got me presents and took me places and showed me as much of America as they could.

12

The good definitely outweighed the bad. My mother was especially wonderful. She had a way of making everyone feel important, and would listen intently to stories about my day, or hobbies, or problems; looking back I don’t know how it was tedious for her at times, but if it was, she never let on. There was never any question that she’d do anything to help me out if I went to her, and asked. She also invested a lot of time in me. Reading to me, making up stories, or songs, showing me how to do things, helping with homework etc.

A couple of times as a teenager, I was treated unfairly by someone in authority. I knew for a fact that I was in the right, and when I told my parents, they took my side. It meant a lot that they recognized the sort of person I was, and took that into account, instead of automatically taking the adult’s side.

They always told me they loved me, never cursed me out, or called me names, even if they were angry, or abused me physically. They encouraged me to believe I was capable of doing well in life, and made sure I had the tools to do it. This was the complete opposite of the way the two of them were raised, based on my grandparents own words. I’m obviously pleased my own parents rose above it.

A few times we had relatives who needed a place to go, and they always knew they could come to our house. Things were cramped at times, but it was a lesson that you should help other people out if you could.

It boiled down to them creating a loving, supportive environment.

Sorry for your loss, Alice. I know exactly how you feel.

13

My father was and still is shite but my mother was just the most loving, even tempered person, and she was just cool. All my friends loved her and went to her when they had problems. I never, ever felt anything but pure unconditional love no matter how badly treated her in my own self-centeredness.
She had a wicked sense of humor and never held back and she just lit up a room with her presence.
My one and only complaint is that she didn’t take better care of herself. She was only 49 when I lost her 17 years ago.

14

Although my parents didn’t do well in dealing with my weight as a child, in most other respects they were great.

As a child, both parents took a couple of months off during the summer and we travelled around New Zealand with our caravan along with other family friends and their caravans. It was quite a hippie-ish existence and I loved it. We also took off whenever there was a long weekend thanks to a public holiday.

My parents never raised their voices at each other and they always looked to resolve conflicts rather than dredge up old ones.

I was a very bright child and it was recommended that I go to a special school, however my parents recognised that I was lacking in social skills and decided to keep me in standard school, for which I am grateful.

We knew what behaviour was expected of us, and there were consequences for naughtiness.

My husband and I got married on my parent’s country property and whilst they helped with the planning, they never tried to dictate anything. They have embraced my husband as their son which is great given that his own parents are less than ideal.

15

My parent’s aren’t quite as fantastic or exceptional as some of the other parents in this thread, but they are very even. Nobody was a yeller, no passive-aggressiveness, no drama. You could tell my parents really wanted to be parents and good parents at that.

My mom is a saint. Dad is an alcoholic but while it caused some emotional problems for me, mom is a rock. His rock and our rock. A lesser woman may have been exhausted by it at some point but they’re still together 35 years on.

My brother and I are absolutely blessed that mom was able to not work until we went to school, and when she did work it was AT school, part time. We always had our mom available. I feel bad for parents who really want to be able to do this but can’t.

My parents are still my friends. I feel very comfortable with them. They’re fantastic grandparents and in-laws, too.

16

Something else that took me years to realize.

My grandmother (my mother’s mother) lived with us the last seven years of her life. it never occurred to me until years later, after I was grown up and married, that my father had his mother-in-law living with him, and it worked.

Part of that was because my grandmother was the dearest, sweetest, kindest woman on earth, and probably the person I have loved the most in my life. But part of it was because my dad made an effort to respect his mother-in-law.

There were only two times in my life that I saw my dad cry. Once was when his long-time partner Dr. Frank died, and the other was when his mother-in-law died.

People assume sub-consciously that what they experienced growing up is what is “normal”. That’s why people who grow up in abusive households seek out abusers, but it is also why people who grow up in households where people love and respect and care about each other seek that out as well.

That’s the gift my parents gave me.

Regards,
Shodan

17

My mom was great. She loved us, let us run free, helped us with science fair projects, and let us lick the bowl when she was making brownies.

This was really hard for her at first since she was a single mother of 4 daughters. But no matter how stressed, busy and broke she was, we always felt totally loved and cared for.

Then she remarried and we were all freaked out as to how this would work. But my step father is kind, generous and loving. He is a wonderful man who enriched all our lives.

Now they are wonderful grandparents to my children. I can call my mom any day of the week for advice, support or just an ear.

Great parents

18

I honestly feel like I could not have asked for a better, more functional family than the one that raised me. My parents are disgustingly well matched, were married at 18 and still happy together. I never, and I mean not a single time, saw them fight. As far as I could tell, they never did.

They came from different religious backgrounds (although both Xtian), so I saw, and even participated in, a small handful of religious debates. But raising their voices at each other is something I can’t even imagine.

My parents are by no means rich, so looking back it’s still hard for me to realize the kinds of sacrifices they made for me and my sisters. Not long ago I joked with my dad that they never used to do anything and now they’re in all kinds of activities. He said, “why do you think that was?” It struck me that, duh, they spent every spare minute of time and extra dollar on their children.

19

I like my folks. I think they’re great.

20

My parents were loving, kind and supportive. We were literally like the (Ozzie and Harriet) Nelson family except with more kids. There was discipline and structure, but never abuse. Not perfect, but always loving of each other and their children. I never heard them raise their voices at each other, and very rarely at us. They were married almost 50 years before my father’s death.

Any flaws my sibs and I have are strictly our own, not something we can blame on our parents.

StG