Dopers, I need your help to decide what to do about my current relationship. In a nutshell, he likes me way more than I like him. He’s a very nice person, but he’s just not right for me (will explain below). What should I do?
Background: I had just gotten out of a 7-year relationship that ended badly. I was lonely, and did online dating. That is where I met “Tom.” Initially we had a ton in common: born and raised in the same town, went to the same college, liked the same music, had similar family backgrounds, same sense of humor. One drawback is a gap in our ages: I am 36 and he is 31.
We have been dating for almost 4 months. I really liked him at first, but lately, as small things keep adding up, I am realizing he is not right for me.
I should also preface this by disclosing that I am still deeply in love with my ex-boyfriend. But that relationship is done, unrepairable.
That said, here are some of the things bothering me:
He’s somewhat immature. He lived at home since the time he graduated college until a year ago (so that’s like at least 6 years). He has no career ambitions. He’s in a dead-end job and makes crap money. He always complains but does nothing to fix it. He’s about to move back in with his parents temporarily because he lost his roommates. He will barely be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment.
He’s a slob. He never picks up or cleans. Recently he said that when he moves out of his current apartment, he wants to hire a maid because he doesn’t want to clean, even though it’s a tiny apartment and he doesn’t have the money for a maid.
He said a couple of things recently that really turned me off. He has a nephew who is 2, and said he never held him when he was a baby because he was scared, and that he has never changed a diaper in his whole life because he thinks it’s gross. I, on the other hand, love kids, and am a very active aunt to my niece and nephew.
He has no hobbies. When we’re not together, he’s watching TV. Actually that is what we do most of the time when we are together at home, watch TV. And shitty TV. He doesn’t read, isn’t into current events. We have run out of things to talk about.
He also has a questionable relationship background. Before dating me, his only long term girlfriend was a girl he met online and dated long-distance for 3 years. They NEVER met IRL. Never once met, even though she lived only a few states away. It’s so strange. I feel that because of this, he doesn’t really know how to act in a real relationship because he’s never really had one. I, on the other hand, have been in a 9-year and 7-year relationship, lived with both of them, and had other shorter ones in between.
In his favor, he is really nice, sweet and respectful to me. We’ve never had a fight. But any feelings of attraction I had toward him at the beginning are fading fast. Do I try to get it back? Try to talk to him? Or is it time to dump him? I am really scared to break up with him because he is such a nice person and he would be very sad. Also, I would then be on my own again and very lonely. But I am 36 and I am looking for someone to settle down and have a family with. He doesn’t seem like this person.
Advice?
