I hope you choke on all that goat cock, countertop fabricators.

The BBQ Pit
1

So I’m planning a wedding AND renovating a kitchen - if we’re still together after we’re done, I guess it’s for life, right?

I’ve been puttering around the whole kitchen thing for a year now - put up one wall of Ikea cabinets, got a quote on the floor, that sort of thing. I was avoiding the big push part - once you tear out your countertops with the sink you have to do everything at once because oh god does it suck to be without a sink, right? Finally a few months ago I got the cabinets from Ikea, dithered around and got a contractor my dad knows to do the demo and put them up, and picked out a countertop I liked.

I have been without a sink for THREE MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS now. THREE WEEKS. We have been camping out in our own home for THREE WEEKS. Off our diet for THREE WEEKS. Eating out and off of paper plates and drinking from plastic cups for THREE WEEKS. Washing wine glasses in the bathtub for THREE CUNTING WEEKS.

So today the magical day arrived! Luckily, I had the day off (remodeling your kitchen also involves a fuckload of mornings and afternoons off from work, by the way, but this was part of my normal schedule) and they actually came early with the countertops, GLORY FUCKING BE. And as they put in the second half, RRRIIPP, there went a cabinet.

Now, let me explain. To make the math balance out and all the cabinets fit, I have a three inch spacer and then a very small cabinet which is not full depth next to the stove. It stands on feet like the other cabinets, but it’s not fastened directly to them and it has space behind it. So when they tilted up the countertop section, all that granite tore out the nails holding it to the spacer board and now it’s all cattywampus and I’ll have to get it fixed.

So I excuse those motherfucking sons of bitches because, hell, that was my contractors. Maybe they just put it in all shitty, like. Hell, they probably did - it was sort of like remodeling your kitchen with the little people from Time Bandits.

So they finish the countertops and leave that one part uncaulked for my guys to fix, and the plumber comes and spends three motherfucking hours there and finally WE HAVE WATER which feels like an honest to glorious god miracle at this point like motherfucking Moses striking the rock with his staff. Forget my fiance - he’s a great guy but I think I’m going to marry the plumber now.

When I realize after dinner that OH FUCK YOU ASSHOLES THE COUNTERTOPS AREN’T STRAIGHT.

No, not installed wrong. Cut wrong. As in, there’s an ‘L’. The long end of the L has a stretch of countertop, then my sink, then the rest of the countertop is a piece with the rest of that leg, the corner, and the short end.

It’s crooked! Like, they didn’t have it square on the board when they were cutting it! The end by the sink has about a half inch overhang, which matches the part on the other side of the sink. Then by the time it hits the corner it’s almost two inches deep!

And of course they aren’t open now for me to scream at them - I’ll have to hold it in until Monday. These cockbag cattywampus countertops cost me almost EIGHTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS plus whatever it takes to fix that cabinet (and fuck you Ikea why the fuck don’t you make a 9 inch base cabinet?) and if you fuckers fix them I won’t have water again for another TWO WEEKS because evidently it takes TWO WEEKS to hack a fucking rectangle out of a slab of granite you already have in your warehouse. Oh, I’m sorry, not a rectangle. A motherfucking irregular shape with a couple right angles and TWO VERY WRONG ONES.

And yes, now that’s all I can see in my beautiful kitchen.

So I already yelled near my fiance, and then I called my mom and yelled near her, and I’m still so angry I won’t be able to sleep. So I’m yelling near all of you. Thank you.

Oh, and if those bottom feeding sludgefucking assholes expect me to take off work to show them exactly where they failed Square 101 I hope to fuck they’re holding the phone a long-ass way from their ears.

2

Now that’s a Pit thread.

3

You had me at cockbag, but you sealed the deal with sludgefucking.

4

Yup.

5

Excellent!

And that really sucks.

6

I actually feel a little better now, like I might be able to sleep without blood-flecked spittle frothing from my lips.

7

Old-timey foam-spitting rage. You can dance to it. 10.

That blows.

ETA: I TOTALLY wrote “foam spitting” before I saw your post Zsofia. I swears it.

8

This is why we are all over contractors like stink on shit. They don’t like it much, but I’m writing the fucking check, so deal. The last guy (cabinet refinisher) had the balls to ask me for the final payment the day before they were going to finish. I just looked at him, then looked at the unfinished cabs, then back at him, and said “you’re kidding, right?”

I always love the look in their eyes when, during casual conversation, they ask what we retired from. “Well, my wife was a commercial property manager, and my last job was as quality control manager on a $22 million aircraft hangar.” The look is always one of “ah, fuck me blind.”

9

We just finished remodeling our entire house including the kitchen. We inspected and approved the granite counters before they installed them. They showed us the stone right after it was cut but before it was polished and beveled.

By the way, great cursing. Sign me up for the **Zsofia **fan club.

10

Great ranting - sorry for the cause of it, Zsofia. We’re planning a spa bathroom for our basement, and I’m anticipating threads like this in my future, too (“It’s just a fucking TOILET! How wrong can you install that?!?” etc.).

11

Impressive. I think I shall borrow some of these terms. I expect that on Monday, I will need to aim them at my mortgage lender.

Best of luck to you in getting the issue resolved zsofia.

12

Probably because some got on your cheek. I don’t know where you live but that’s how mad I am.

AnalogSignal, that was also a motherfucking tragedy. I mean, who the hell has time to go pick out a slab of granite during the work day when your facility is ten miles up Satan’s asshole from Buttfuck, Nowhere? Me, that’s who doesn’t. Because of course they’re open 9-5. (They came HIGHLY recommended by everybody in the world, by the way.) So it’s this huge damned circus fire that I want them to pick out the slab. Now, I went there to pick out a color. I saw a slab. This isn’t the kind of granite that has the sort of veining where you might want “too much or too little” - it’s kind of flecked, you know, like… granite countertops. So I said, “You guys have been in business for 40 motherfucking years, you pick me out a good slab. I don’t even know what I’m looking for in a slab.” This required obviously a papal bull or something, because they had to call me back an hour later to figure out what to do if somebody has to WORK FOR A LIVING goddamn it. I had to fax them a handwritten note saying “Okay, pick out my slab! I swear, I trust you!”

The slab is fine, by the way. I trusted them to pick out a slab - I didn’t know I also had to write “Also it would be great if you made all the angles 90 degrees.”

And don’t say it was my cabinets that were off square - I did assemble them myself in 8 miserable hours when I was sick, but I checked every mothercuntfucking one of them and they are square. Not to mention, they came out and templated from the cabinets, of course, so the fact that it’s crooked from the cabinets is inexcusable.

13

The damned shame is that this is going to throw off the rest of it - my beautiful Marmoleum floors can’t go in until that cabinet is fixed, and I don’t want to risk the backsplash until I know for sure what’s up with the countertops. And if you didn’t know about the stupid thing it looks so damned nice (at least as compared to what we’ve been living with for weeks. See?

The knocked around cabinet is the open one - Ikea doesn’t make a 9 inch door because FUCK YOU THAT’S WHY, so I’m trying to decide if I like the country look of having open access to my cutting boards and measuring cups or if I’m going to do the hack some people do of taking apart another door and cutting it down, which may or may not be beyond my abilities.

14

My wife doesn’t work so she supervised the contractors all day for 3 months. If we both worked, it would have been a disaster because there were a thousand details and decisions that had to be made.

They picked the slab and did the basic cuts. We approved it. Then they polished it. In other words, I think you could have seen the L shape was crooked if you had time to inspect it.

15

I doubt it. I didn’t see it was crooked right on top of the square countertops until several hours after installation, many of which were spent admiring my countertops.

ETA - I wasn’t given the option to approve the basic cuts anyway, just the slab. And it’s fairly subtle, although obvious once you know it’s there.

16

I just looked at my kitchen and that jogged my memory a little. We only approved two huge slabs that they cut. Then they cut those slabs into several pieces after we approved it. So they could have fucked it up but we were fortunate.

17

Maybe it’s so subtle that it doesn’t matter? Does your husband agree that the counter is a disaster?

18

I say buy a kitchen island in the shape of a quadrilateral and turn the fridge sideways a quarter of an inch and call it Asymmetrical Modern. If anyone gives you guff, sniff and say, "Well, you would say that.’

19

I totally approve of this rant. I do want to ask if any collendars were harmed when the cabinet was killed.

20

Man, in these days where every company is giving lip-service to the idea of customer service, I run across this reason for why they do stuff all too often.