To the scum who wrote the malware I just cleaned off my computer

The BBQ Pit
1

Fuck you. You are scum. No, you are worse than scum, because scum serves some purpose in the world, and is probably beneficial to something or somebody. You are not. You are a scum-sucking parasite that is using up oxygen that would be better used by someone or something else. I’d call you a motherfucker, but that would be an insult to everybody who commits incest with their mother. At least they don’t bother me or try to steal passwords from my computer.

May your country’s tax authorities audit you.

May cats pee on all your possessions.

May you get on the spam mailing list of every religious cult, fringe political organization, and scammer in the world.

May you never get an hour’s uninterrupted sleep again, for as long as you live.

May your home be infested with stink bugs, bedbugs, fleas, and mosquitoes carrying malaria and dengue fever.

May you get trapped in an elevator during an earthquake, and have someone yelling down the shaft asking you who your next of kin is (this happened to a professor of mine in grad school, though not while I was in grad school)

May your family, friends, and neighbors see you for the scum you are, and want nothing to do with you ever again.

May your home be infested with toxic mold, and may your insurance company find a way to get out of paying.

May you find that your home was built on a toxic waste dump.

May you try and fail to commit suicide, with lasting damage.

May your partner cheat on you, and give you the foulest sexually transmitted infection known to medical history.

May your dominant arm (right arm if you’re right-handed, left arm if you’re left-handed) be mangled in a woodchipper, and may you get flesh-eating bacteria in the stump.

May you get a painful and debilitating disease, and be unable to convince anyone who could get you painkillers that you are really in pain and not a drug-seeker.

May this happen to you. (Warning: you probably don’t want to click that link)

All of you who are NOT malware-writing waste products of pond scum, make sure you run a good anti-malware program on your computer. You’re not safe if you stay away from sketchy sites- I do, and this happened to me.

2

But they are very rich scum. Which probably makes up for all the hate.

3

I hope scammers get all their money, and they end up as a homeless crack whore.

4

Excellent! I’m with you.

5

A vindictive ex-spouse getting all their money would work, too.

No, what I really hope happens is that someone poisons them for their money. Preferably in some nasty way, like with thallium.

6

Uhm… What was it and where did it come from?

Oh, and may they wake up in some cold little drawer at the morgue, on a holiday weekend, when no one is there to open it and let them out.

7

It was a rootkit called Alureon. Where it came from is a mystery. I haven’t even been doing much internet surfing at home lately, what with being so busy cleaning for Passover. Also, I’m tired because I’m pregnant, so I don’t often have the energy to get on the computer when I’m at home these days.

The scum who wrote this is exploiting tired, overwhelmed pregnant women. I hope they’re proud of themselves and what they’ve done.

8

Ouch. That can be a stinker. What did you end up doing, and are you sure you got it all?

9

May they find themselves in a position to say "Where am I going to get a piece of metal? Out here in space? At this hour? " the week after everyone shaves there head in a photo op.

10

Amen to the OP.

Now at the risk of terrifying a pregnant woman ;):

May they have a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night until she’s five.

May they have a seventy hour labor followed by an emergency c-section.

May they have twins with colic.

May they have a baby who only wants to nurse if you stand up.

May they have a baby who can only get to sleep if you walk her for twenty minutes and then wakes up ten minutes after you put her down.

May they have ten hours of back labor and an epidural that doesn’t take.

May they have an anti-vax neighbor who won’t shut up about the MMR vaccine.

May they have a live in mother-in-law who warns that formula is the devil’s milk and a live in father-in-law who declares breastfeeding disgusting.

May they have a baby with major bouts of diarrhea and a broken washing machine.

May they have a boss who tells them to get back to work six weeks after giving birth and a daycare provider who gets sick easily.

May they have a baby who gets teeth at three months, completely rejects a bottle and wants to nurse and chew seven times a day.

11

And to all the employees at iMesh wherever you are out there, fuck you too!

12

I thought “May you live in interesting times” was the ultimate curse. I was wrong.

13

“May you turn into a kugel, and your worst enemy into a cat, so that s/he may eat you.”

14

May no door welcome you home, no roof shelter you from the storm, and no fire bring you warmth.

May no lover gladden your heart, nor child delight your eye, nor parent regard you with pride.

May no food sate you, nor drink slake you, nor sleep rest you.

May no comrade guard your back, and may fear be your constant companion.

May all your joys turn to ashes in your mouth, and may there be no relief to your grief and sorrow.

15

Mr. Neville ran a cleaner program a few times. We’re pretty sure we got it all.

Why, oh, why did I ever let him talk me out of setting up my new computer as a dual boot with Linux? Before I got this new computer, I did financial stuff in Linux, so stuff like this wouldn’t happen. When I got the new computer, I let him talk me out of doing that.

(I do know there is malware aimed at Linux. There’s less of it, and I had my computer on in Linux for much less time every month, so I was a lot less likely to get it)

16

The world would be a better place if we put an international bounty on the heads of all malware authors. € 1 million for proof and a head.

17

For every day of the rest of your worthless life - you get kicked in the balls twice.

18

How exactly did you figure out you were infected? It supposedly doesn’t leave any trace. Except network traffic, of course.

19

There’s a thread on another board asking us to define hell.

Heaven for me would be: every day, I get to beat a spammer/malware author with a baseball bat for 5 minutes.

20

Oh, I’d kill a malware author (or a spammer) for MUCH less than that. All I ask for is guaranteed immunity from prosecution.