Well, not exactly - he might be my father.
OK, even that’s a bit of an exaggeration.
Even so, I feel a lot like Luke must have felt.
Here’s my story:
I’m 52 years old. For that last 52 years, I have lived my life assuming that I had the perfect story-book family. No significant childhood trauma, folks never got divorced, sister and I got along, no family member has ever been arrested, everyone went to college, etc, etc.
Until last Saturday, when at the beginning of our weekly phone call, my mother says that I was conceived through artificial insemination, and my father is not my biological father.
Apparently, my sister found this out in a very odd set of circumstances, and she forced my mother’s hand (my sister is also in the same situation).
So, the last few days have been strange. I’ve been trying to reconcile this new information with memories from my childhood. It does explain why my sister and I don’t look very much alike (or very much like our parents).
I’ve also been sorting through my feelings toward my father, and I came to the conclusion very quickly that it doesn’t really matter. DNA doesn’t count for squat. Family does, and I love him as much (maybe more) than ever.
I talked to my sister tonight, and asked her if she’s talked to out parents about this (she’s known for around a year). She says they won’t talk at all about it. I don’t plan on pushing them. It must have been a secret they were planning on taking to their grave, and I will respect their wishes (which is why the SDMB is the perfect place to post this in relative anonymity).
Sounds like you have the right attitude. It’s too bad your sister made an issue of it, and that you mother then felt she had to speak up.
You are right, genes don’t count for squat. I have two second cousins from Korea, adopted from an orphanage. And by golly they are just a much leaves in our family tree as anyone else.
One thing I forgot to mention - apparently, 52 years ago, doing this was illegal. I’m really curious how they went about it, but I can understand my parents’ reluctance to talk about it.
Wow. Just wow. I can only imagine that knowing this raises all sorts of questions. I’d be curious about how it was arranged and so forth, but I get really fascinated by social history. At the same time, my gut reaction is that respecting their wish not to talk about it is the right thing to do.
I think your parents were brave to take less conventional steps to make a family at a time when unconventional was not celebrated, and from your OP it seems like they made a good one.
Well, I’ve never been in your parents’ situation, so I don’t really know, but it seems to me that if I were your father, I would like to hear what you just said. I mean, what better compliment than to hear you’re loved and appreciated for what you’ve done, rather than some accident of genetics? It also might ease his mind to know that you know the truth.
But of course you know your father much better than I do.
I agree with Quercus. Since it’s come out, and they were obviously not intending it, a phone call and a single sentence to your Dad - “I respect that you don’t want to talk about it, I just need to make sure you know that it doesn’t matter and changes nothing about my love for you” sort of thing, might be a good idea.
I’d advise you to discipline yourself against pushing them for more information. In those days the infrastructure to provide anonymous donors was not in place, and many couples asked a friend or relative to help. Your parents reluctance may be the result of a solemn promise they made to the donor. While curiosity is certainly understandable, it sounds like your parents have earned the right to expect you to respect their decision not to reveal. If they’d been lousy parents, or had a history of dishonesty I might answer differently, but the feel of your comments is; these folks deserve to have their feelings heeded.
It may, of course, have implications for medical data, but if you want that info there are tests that can be done to see if you have the risk factors. It’s no longer necessary to stress about chasing down family medical history. IANAD, but it’s my understanding that In most cases of genetic risk, to the extent that they can tailor prevention or treatment, they can test for the related risk factor.
I think that’s a great idea - let them know that you aren’t talking about it because of their wishes, not because you’re ashamed or you don’t love them anymore or some wrong-headed idea like that. We assume that people know things, but it’s better to tell them and not have them assume wrong.
Another aspect of all of this is that it was *right there in front of us *the whole time. Talk about hiding in plain sight…
See, my did is a very special person. He’s Situs Inversus Totalis, with PCD. I’ve known about this since childhood, but never thought to do a lot of research on it. Turns out that PCD is a very interesting medical condition, and one of the effects is low sperm motility. So, if I ever thought to read up on his condition, I would have discovered that it’s unlikely that he could have had kids.
My folks are coming to visit for Thanksgiving. I hope to be able to spend some time alone with dad and talk to him about it.
Yeah, 52 years ago that makes your father a turkey baster (at best). Really shouldn’t matter though, especially if you had no idea until now. Useful information for your medical records maybe, but I wouldn’t dwell on it if I were you. (I’m not you, so your opinion could be totally different).
Medical history is the only reason I think you should pursue this line of inquiry. If they didn’t know the guy well enough to GET his medical history, though, then it would be diplomatic to drop it (after letting them know that it doesn’t change the amount of love you have for them, of course).
The medical history angle is the only real issue. My older brother and sister are adopted. It comes up fairly regularly when filling out medical history forms, screening for risk factors, etc.
Also this is about the only time I really think about the fact that my siblings were adopted, maybe when someone says my sister and I look alike. (only if you squint really hard, though we are both on the tall side for our genders)
In our household, this was openly acknowledged from the outset. It might be quite different if it had been hidden for decades, then came out.
In the rap song “Biological didn’t Bother” Shaquille O’Neal makes the statement “Phil is my father” Phillip Harrison was O’Neals step-father, but married his mom when Shaquille was a tiny boy. He states “He took me from a boy to a man, so Phil is my father” He obviously regards Harrison as his dad, even if he didn’t contribute his DNA.
I was 25 when I learned that my beloved grandparents (maternal) were in fact my Aunt and her husband. I was shaken to realize that I had no blood relation to my late Grandpa, who I’d adored and admired; I was proud of being his grandson.
But it only took a few minutes for me to understand that nothing of any consequence had changed.
Absolutely. Steve jobs once corrected someone who referred to his parents as “adoptive parents” by saying, “They are my parents.” Not an exact quote, but you better believe it.