I really appreciate all of the stories.
I also got a laugh out of the Skywalker (and SpiegelSpock jokes).
I’d love to hear from more people who have discovered secrets about their past.
I had a great-aunt who seems to have disappeared. Last we knew she was somewhere in SE PA. Somehow my mother was told that her aunt was dead, but I haven’t seen any evidence. Grandpa never talked about his sis at all as far as I remember and he’s dead now. She could have children or grandchildren alive today, but we haven’t found any.
I was going to make a joke about welcoming Liz Cheney to the board, but it seems to be in bad taste.
Good on you for taking this well though.
If I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad, I think it would make me feel closer to him, not further. Because he would have done the things he did without the biological imperative compelling him to be a parent.
It is unrelated, but when watching the TV show intervention I am usually seeing a pattern where the addicts parents are divided on how to treat the addict, and usually the biological parent never wants to give up while the step parent has lost interest and just wants to get their own life back and give up on the addict. A non-biological parent who can still be as committed, if not more so, than a biological parent is pretty impressive.
I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from asking them to tell me more about it.
OP … my mom died before I had the chance to ask her a really explosive question, and the answer died with her. I had made up my mind to ask her when I saw her again but she died before I had the chance. She may not have answered the question and I knew it was gonna piss her off, but I wanted to know. Now there will never be an answer.
If I were you, I’d ask them. If they refuse to talk about it, it’s not like you can make 'em talk, but at least you’ll know either way.
I honestly do not understand why parents do this sort of thing. I know it can be hard to find the right time - I would recommend around the birth of the first grandchild - but it is just not right to deny your children their history. Besides, the kids - even in their 50s - will probably find the hint of a scandal enjoyable.
Tell your parents you know. Offer them the opportunity to share.
If I may somewhat disagree with some previous posters…
Being curious, or not being curious, are both OK here. Your sister isn’t wrong. Your parents did conceal something important from you, and not just for medical reasons. I’m not saying what they did was bad, but by not telling you this created an issue that evidently hurt and confused your sis.
Yes, your father is still the man who loves and raised you. But this does intrpoduce some complexity to the whole issue, and there’s nothing wrong with the fact that your sister wants to know where she came from. Many would. You don’t have to feel as though things have changed, but if you did it wouldn’t be abnormal or wrong in any way. It isn’t a non-issue; it’s a major part of your own past.
It seems to me that you are interested, hence the questions you want to ask. and that’s fine, too. You should also be prepared to give your sister some space over this, or be willing to talk to her as well. She likely feels unsure of herself right now. She may want support, and she may be more direct in questioning your parents. She may also feel betrayed by them, as they did kinda-sorta deceive you both. No, I’m not saying your parents are bad. But this is more than a little important and family secrets have a way of coming out, and hurting the bonds of trust and affection we share. However, it’s probably better than taking it to the grave here. Using surrogates in any fashion isn’t ideal, but there’s nothing inherently wrong about it.
An update:
My folks came for Thanksgiving.
I couldn’t bring myself to ask any questions, and I think I’m just going to pretend they never told me, which seems to be what they wanted in the first place.
I’m glad your Thanksgiving went well, but I’m going to repeat Cat Whisperer’s advice: just once, use your words and tell your Dad you love him and appreciate all the Dad-things he did for you.
Sounds like you have a healthy outlook beowulff.
My father died when I was 23. When we (mom, siblings, and I) gathered at the funeral home to make arrangements and they asked for obituary info my mother fell apart; screaming at me to get out and leave. Thinking she was just grief stricken and not making sense I did as she asked and never questioned it. A couple of years later my mom said that she and my father were not married when I was born and when they married he had to adopt me but he was my biological father. No biggie to me. But as the years passed she would often change her story out of the blue. Just crazy made up stuff. A few years later (I was about 40 then) two of my aunts approached me and said that my dad wasn’t my biological father and gave me the name of who they thought was. I carefully chose my words and asked my mother. She went bat-shit crazy on me! I told her it didn’t really matter, that dad would always be my dad but I was curious. She died a couple of years later still incredibly angry with me over it all. One reason I wish she would have told me many years ago is because my youngest daughter was born with congenital heart defects and I gave wrong family medical history without knowing it. She knew though, and it hurts that she didn’t at least tell me then. Last year I did call the man who is supposedly my biological father. He didn’t deny that he was, but said he didn’t want to meet. I can respect that.
The man who raised me will always be my dad!
Huh - I didn’t realize it was actually illegal back then. Maybe it would’ve been considered a form of adultery or something?
It must feel pretty damn weird, but as you and others have said, Dad is still Dad even if he did miss out on that one 5 minute part of your childhood!
Only reason it’s relevant at all, really, is if there are health questions that would making your biological parentage relevant.
Why was it illegal??
A woman being impregnated by someone other than her husband was considered to be unthinkable in those days. It was unclear who would be financially responsible for the child (because obviously the Mother couldn’t be :rolleyes: ). Even using birth control was illegal for decades.
No offense, I hope, but are you entirely sure your mother was telling the truth?
If you are certain, well and good. I am also not biologically related to either of my children, and it does not seem to have made much difference.
Regards,
Shodan
No, I’m not sure.
But, my dad has a medical condition that makes it exceedingly unlikely that he could father children. I’ve know about this for a long time, and always thought that they just beat the odds. Now I realize that back then, the the odds were pretty much a million-to-one.
If you’re on-in-a-million there’s 7,000 people just like you on the earth today. 
I’m bumping this thread, in light of my father’s recent passing.
Also, on reading though it, I realized that I later received some information that some posters might be curious about.
It turns out that my parents went to one of the very first fertility clinics in the country, run by a couple who did seminal (pun intended) work in the field. My sister found a hand-written note from Drs. Jones congratulating Mom on her birth.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I was reading this “zombie” thread hoping that it was bumped for the exact reason it was. An answer. I’ll be darned.
Sorry for you loss beowulff. Did you consider your Dad, your Uncle Owen?
Unlike Luke, I never knew that the man who was my dad wasn’t my biological father. If the secret hadn’t been leaked, I would never have had even the slightest reason to think of him as anything other than my “real” father, and I will always think of him that way.
I think he was really brave - he took a risk to have a family, and he never, ever treated me or my sister as anything other than his own children.
May the Force be with him…
I’m torn between asking more questions or expressing sorrow for your loss. So I guess I’ll do both.
I’m so sorry. I’ve thought about this so many times, especially after all my grandparents died. As much as that hurt, I couldn’t imagine what it was like for my parents.
So it was legal? Or were they doing it illegally on the downlow?