DNA Quandry

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

NOTE: I haven’t posted in a while, so if there’s another thread similar to this, mea culpa.

So, my daughter talked me into doing 23 and Me for Christmas. She was very interested to see how accurate what she had always been told about her ancestral origins was.

I was adopted at 8 weeks old; all my parents had been told was that I was half Irish and half Jewish. I’ve never really cared to track down my birth family. As far as I’m concerned, my family is the family who raised me.

However, in the year-plus since I last posted, I’ve lost both my mother and my stepmother (my father passed 4 years ago), and I’ve been feeling very much an orphan since.

The results came back yesterday. Unsurprisingly, both she and I are in the high percentages of being Irish. Very surprisingly, in the ‘DNA Family’ area, they designated someone else who has been tested as a probable half brother. :eek:

Now I get to decide if it is worth trying to reach out to this person, and whether or not I want to potentially upset the apple cart in their life, or whether or not I let it ride and say, “OK, you have a half sibling, that isn’t necessarily surprising” and leave it be. I will admit to having tried to find them on Facebook, but I can’t so far.

Now this gets to live in the back of my head, and bug me off and on until I come to terms with it. Merry Christmas to me?

2

Could you clarify how this works exactly, when you say they “designated someone else”? Do you have the option to waive confidentiality when you do this? Was this person’s identity revealed to you by 23 & Me without reciprocation?

3

They gave you the half brothers name? Wow! That’s scary. And intrusive.

4

You give them your permission to share your DNA data.

5

There’s a section called “DNA Relatives”. You (the user) have a choice of whether or not to share your full name and location, or just partial information, if you even want to participate. There’s an option called Open Sharing, which includes your Full Name, results from your composition report, and overlapping DNA segments. It’s an opt in.

I did NOT select Open Share. I am not displaying my full name. It will show the city I live, but that’s only if I provide it. However, my potential half brother (29.2% DNA match) is participating in Open Sharing, so I can see all of his information.

6

While this could be a surprise for him, it’s possible that he did 23 and Me and opted into open sharing in hopes of finding you.

7

He wouldn’t have selected open share if he wasn’t open to finding relatives (maybe didn’t expect one this close though).

My mom’s half sister knocked on my Grandma’s door when I was about 9. This was way before DNA results so I really don’t know how she tracked her down. It was a huge shock to find out my sweet white haired angel of a Grandma had a daughter when she was unmarried and 16, but it was a great addition to our family. I almost doubled the number of “cousins” I had. It was a wonderful addition to the family and everyone was thrilled.

This in no means indicates that he will react the same, but I wanted to give you an example that it can sometimes work out very well.

I wish you the best of luck, but the decision is entirely yours.

8

Ooh. Well that’s ok then. Like someone said he must be open to finding someone. May be Mom gave him a heads-up he had a sib somewhere.

9

I had a quandary about this, too. I signed up for it and I had to go to a website where it asked for certain information including my name, so I put in my name. Immediately there popped up a number of people with the same last name who might be relatives.

But of course my last name is my husband’s last name. So I thought, maybe I should have used my maiden name.

But then, that wouldn’t be at all helpful, because I, too, was adopted, at birth.

Now I have found a biological brother, a half brother, and a half sister, and the name of my birth parents. Well, at least the name of my birth mother. According to my brother, his DNA test indicated the guy he thought was his father, also supposed to be my father, was not. I don’t know if putting in that name will help or not. He is at least my half brother, we’ve established that beyond any doubt.

So I have a lot of blanks.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that this is like the psychics you call. Why don’t they call you? Same principle. These people have my DNA. It’s up to them to tell me if other people in their database match me or not.

I mean, I just don’t know if I’m going to find out anything worth finding out. Allegedly I have, from my birth parents, Swedish and Bohemian ancestry. That’s all I know. “Bohemian” isn’t enough because you need to know the tribe. A Bohemian could be a Celt, a Helveti, a Slav, a Romany…and I figure the results will come back as “some kind of European.”

My father-in-law once told me that all redheads are barbarians. I think I read somewhere that all redheads have Neanderthal DNA. So I’m ready for that.

PS my bio brother did not know he had a sister out there until somebody in the family slipped up when he was an adult. He remembered her being pregnant but was told the baby died. He was hard to find because, even though I had his last name and a really good guess, that turned out to be accurate, to his first name, he was legally adopted by a stepfather, so the last name I was looking for was gone. It helped that we were both looking and that we both hooked into the internet.

10

This is very likely the case. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your information with this stranger right away, you might consider an anonymous letter or email.

11

UPDATE: My half-sibling reached out to me on 23 and Me. Found out my birth mother’s name, and some basic stuff about her life. She was 19 when she had me. He and I are in the same line of work, enjoy the same sorts of hobbies, and are politically aligned (thank Ghu!). I showed my husband a picture of her, and it took him a minute to realize it wasn’t a picture of me.

My half-brother and I are now friends on Facebook, and are chatting. My husband is very skeptical about this, with good reason, but based on several factors, I think the relationship is valid. He’s let me know my birth mother is a ‘hot mess’, and that some of the mental illness stuff I’ve experienced apparently runs in the family. I also have 2 half-sisters.

My general opinion on the whole thing right now is that I’ve made contact, I’ve learned a bit, and he’s a cool guy. Keeping the communication loose and friendly isn’t a bad thing, and I can make decisions from there.

Life is never boring.

12

Interesting update! I hadn’t seen the original thread, but thank you. Sounds like this is working out about as well as anyone might expect. My daughter (adopted by us at birth) found her birth mother some time back (without having actually looked for her) and discovered that she too was kind of a mess if perhaps not a “hot mess”…

Curious about what your husband’s skepticism is about.

13

He’s concerned because the information hasn’t been independently verified. He doesn’t want me to get sucked into some sort of scam, or something. He also doesn’t want me to pin my hopes on things that may or may not be true. He’s a big believer in “trust but verify”.

14

Got it, thanks. I’d imagine that if the guy started asking you for money or something your own antennae would go up…
Adoption issues can be tricky, but from where I sit it seems like you’re handling this very appropriately. FWIW, which is probably precisely nothing!

15

Something like this might be helpful. Glad you made contact!

Keep us posted, if you meet him …and maybe even the half-sisters.

16

Thanks, digs, I will. He’s letting me drive the contact and the news, which I really, really appreciate.