Remember Tommy Flanagan, the pathological liar played by Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live many years ago? I’ve met his real-life counterpart.
Well, I haven’t actually MET him; more like I’m aware of him. Let me explain.
My company offers membership in Virgin HealthMiles as a way to encourage employees to get fit. I joined up as soon as I could, because based on the name I thought I’d earn points every time I didn’t have sex. Since I’m a middle-aged man, that would mean I could earn a LOT of points.
But it turned out that you earned points by doing things like walking and exercising, which was okay too. You got a free pedometer to wear that would log the number of steps you took each day, and all you had to do was plug it into your computer and the steps would be automatically tallied for you. Plus, the points you earn can be redeemed for cool things, like money. So it’s a win-win all the way around.
And, as an added bonus, every once in a while there are Challenges, in which you compete with other people to see who can take the most steps or something. In these Challenges you can earn even MORE points if you win. Which is how I became aware of the liar.
My company recently teamed up with four others in our area to sponsor a Challenge. Whichever company took the most collective steps in a 20-day period would be declared the winner, and the top overall competitor would win fabulous prizes: bonus points, the right to go to all the other companies and moon them from their front steps, a cool hat with “I’m the best Virgin!” on it, and such.
So I’m all excited about this Challenge, and the day it starts, I walk a LOT around my office building. When I printed a multi-page document, I would walk from my desk to the printer several times, getting one page each time. I went to the bathroom even when I didn’t have to pee. And when I got home that night, I hopped on the treadmill for about 90 minutes. All in all, I amassed something like 23,000 steps that first day. It takes roughly 2,000 steps to equal one mile, so I had walked more than 12 miles! I just knew I was going to be the bestest Virgin EVER.
Lo and behold, when I checked the Challenge website, there was some guy from a bank who had uploaded **60,000 **steps that first day! He must’ve run a marathon, or something. Obviously being the best Virgin was going to be a lot harder than I thought; I was “Gutter Slut” compared to him.
No matter. I would outlast him. I would be the tortoise to his hare. He would tire eventually. I would wear him down, and then I would take his Virginity from him. So to speak.
The Challenge is now in its 18th day; it ends tomorrow. Needless to say, the guy didn’t slow down. He’s currently claiming more than 1.2 million steps to date, an average of 33.8 miles PER DAY. To quote the guys on ESPN: “C’mon, man!” I might buy the fact that you did this once or twice over a 20-day period, but EVERY SINGLE DAY? I’m not even sure it’s humanly possible, especially if you’re working a regular job.
The problem is, you can fool the pedometer. If you shake it in your hand, sometimes it will assume you’re taking steps, and count them. I might or might not have done this in the past. Hypothetically.
Fortunately, I’m not the only person who is convinced of this guy’s chicanery. There’s a chat feature on the Virgin site (yes, I know how that sounds; keep your dirty comments to yourself), and several veiled and not-so-veiled comments from others show that nobody thinks he’s legit. My favorite comment so far is “Somebody has attached their pedometer to the paint-mixing machine at Lowe’s.”
Bitter experience has taught me the pitfalls of dishonesty, so I’ve refrained from attaching my pedometer to my hyperactive dog in an attempt to beat this guy. At least I can comfort myself in the knowledge that others are aware of his cheating.
But alas - I will not be the best Virgin.
