We writers really want you to read and VOTE!! in the SDMB Short Fiction Contest's Anthology Thread!!

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Anthology Thread of the SDMB Short Fiction Contest, Late 2012/Early 2013 edition. The poll will appear in about 57 hours.

A quick recap of the rules -

At 9 AM EST, Thursday, December 27th, 2012, I posted a link to a photo (found by random means) and also three words (again, obtained by random means) in an auto-reply message at sdmbpoetrysweatshop at gmail dot com. Writers still have until 11:59PM EST, Monday, January 27th, 2013 to write an original piece of short fiction, no more than 2,000 words in length, based in some way on that photo and those three words. All interested participants will be working from the same compulsory material.

As of the posting of this thread, there will still be ~57 hours left to any interested participants.

Writers - send your completed work to me, preferably in a .doc format, at sdmbpoetrysweatshop at gmail dot com before 11:59PM EST, Monday, January 27th, 2013. I will verify that it is 2,000 words or less, and I will post it in this Anthology Thread. Please include your SDMB username, and please let me know if your story incorporates any special text such as bold, italic or underline. (These codes do not always transfer directly, and I do want your stories to look right.) I will post the stories as a ~100 word teaser, followed by the rest of the story in a spoiler box, (Click the button labeled ‘spoiler’ to reveal the text, for those not familiar with the SDMB.) with the authors’ names in separate spoiler boxes.

At 11:59PM EST, Monday, January 27th, 2013, a multiple choice poll will be established to determine the readers’ favourite story. I would also ask voters to choose those stories that have incorporated the compulsory material in the most interesting manner. At the end of a week, the poll will close and we will declare a winner of the PoeHenryParkerSaki award.

The poll, once established, will be a secret ballot type poll. No one need ever know how you voted. I would, however, encourage everyone to please vote. You are providing an important source of feedback to the writers.

While we welcome readers’ comments, may I please request that readers hold off until after the poll is established. That way, the first posts in the thread will all be the various stories. After the poll is established, your comments are enthusiastically encouraged.

The compulsory material is -

The Photograph

and the following three words -
Mansion
Arrive
Finer

And now, here are the stories that this contest has produced. I want to point out - the authors’ user names are in spoiler boxes at the end of the stories. Please do not be fooled by the fact that they appear in ‘replies’ sent by me - only one of these stories is mine.

Enjoy!

Le Ministre de l’au-delà

The Christmas card was impersonal; signed by both company owners, no note. It was accompanied by a bottle of wine. What was missing was my Christmas bonus cheque.

It wasn’t just me. Fifteen minutes earlier, Nicole had been in a fury, eyes wide, almost vibrating with anger. “This is our bonus this year,” she’d hissed, shaking the bottle, her rage and disbelief surrounding her like a crackling aura. Nicole was prone to drama, and plenty of it, but I felt the same way. “It’s bullshit,” she said. “I can’t believe it.”

But it was true. A bottle of wine and a Christmas card. No bonus.

The cheque we’d find in the card wasn’t huge—one hundred dollars. But it was a hundred extra in a month where so many things pulled money from our wallets. And it meant that our work mattered to the Brownes, just a bit. We mattered. And it bought a nice Christmas dinner, covering the groceries with a little extra for something special.

[spoiler]But this year? A bottle of wine. It probably cost around ten dollars, maybe fifteen. I’m not an expert. I was thinking of taking a picture of the label, when I was about midway down the bottle, and going to see for myself at the liquor store. But the bottle went into the recycling bin and I to bed, and by the time I remembered, it was too late. It was probably a ridiculous (and petty) thing to do, and it would have only made me feel worse.

The men who signed the card weren’t in the office after Boxing Day. They were on a family holiday. All the Brownes of Browne Properties gone, leaving nothing behind but the work in our inboxes and their name on the letterhead. They were off, along with their wives and children, and the parents, of course. Hawaii for New Year’s and a slice of dismal January.

Must be nice to get away, I thought, plodding through the rain, head down. Winter meant rain, grey skies, darkness and wind. No trip to Hawaii for us, and no Christmas bonus, either. It stung, to be frank, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It wasn’t just me. No one felt like doing much work in that funny lull between Christmas and New Year’s. We were in the office, but the owners weren’t. Even with plenty to do, it seemed there was time to gossip, to pick at our grievances like sores, to wonder where this family-run business was going. Changes had been happening, and they didn’t seem to be for the better.

I had to wonder where I was going. I lived a half-hour drive away, where it wasn’t nearly as pretty. Once I’d dreamed of a mansion in the nicest part of Oak Park, but now I’d be happy with just an ordinary house in town. I didn’t even have that—a double-wide trailer was what my budget afforded, me and all the retirees in our “park”. I wasn’t close to retiring. But I felt too old to be starting again. Middle age had arrived, and I was stuck there. I wasn’t like Nicole, in my twenties, with avenues of possibility still open. And all that passion.

Possibilities narrowed each year, and it had come to this: a cat and a double-wide trailer in a bedroom community with a Dogpatch image. And the Brownes in Hawaii couldn’t even give out a hundred dollar Christmas bonus to the employees who worked the hardest.

It had to be because of Sean Browne. That was the difference between this year and all the others—Sean had finally joined the family business as a junior manager like Nicole. Sean’s salary. And I’d bet that missing one hundred dollars that Sean’s salary was a lot more generous than Nicole’s. Who did the same job as Sean, but did a lot more work, and was much better at it. It just didn’t seem fair.

By mid-January, I’d updated my resume. I could come in early. By seven-thirty, I could use the company printer and copier. By eight-thirty, it’d be in the mail if there was anything promising. My New Year’s Resolution.

Susan wasn’t happy, either. Susan, admin extraordinaire, had worked at Browne’s for fifteen years. Fifteen years, and they couldn’t give her a lousy one hundred dollar bonus. She’d told me that when her manager retired, she’d move on, too.

You overlook the secretaries at your peril, I thought, watching our managers arrive late, leave early, and go out on “appointments” that involved things like haircuts, buying specialised groceries, and having the BMW serviced. While we stayed at our desks, and worked. And polished our resumes.

And watched Sean Browne flounder.

That made me smile—it sounded like a recipe—Sean Browne Flounder. He was a fish out of water. He’d not been in the company business before, but there was a desk for him. But he didn’t like what he was learning to do, and couldn’t seem to master it. He just didn’t have the ability. But he had been given a portfolio, and I’d bet a pretty nice salary, too. Because his last name was Browne.

I didn’t like him. Sean was the only person I’d ever met who literally walked around the office with his nose in the air. I thought it was just an expression, until I saw it for myself. I think it was an effort to make up for his weak chin. He had an air of entitlement that grated on my nerves. He was always “too busy” and we had to do his work.

Sean was supposed to be the new breed with Nicole, working on their smaller portfolios without an assistant. But Sean wanted a secretary once he realised just how much administrative work there was. He was “overwhelmed” with his six properties, never mind that I was doing most of the work of my own manager’s twenty-four. Sean’s last name was Browne, and that put a Browne in every department of the company. Three departments, three Brownes. The future had arrived.

But he was being trained by an idiot. Dumb was training dumber. Our department manager Garry was stupid.

Three Browne, blind mice. They couldn’t see that things were going downhill, had been for years. They didn’t seem to care when we pointed it out. The head of our department was incompetent, and his assistants had been doing his work forever, keeping him afloat. But now he was on his own—that new idea: smaller portfolios, no assistant. But it wasn’t working out very well, and there would be a new admin hired. For Sean and the department head.

The least competent get rewarded, propped up by the rest.

It was a busy spring. I felt like that donkey in the picture someone had forwarded to me one morning, one of those joke emails. Overworked. Burdened with a load I could never pull, no matter how hard I tried. But I still made time to check the want ads at lunch, to keep tweaking my resume. Just in case.

My manager was counting the days until retirement, and did very little work. He couldn’t even be bothered to make phone calls, but he’d ask me, so he could surf the web or go buy lottery tickets. It made me steam. My desk had paper I had to put in piles just so I could work; his was pristine. I worked, while he hung around the reception desk, making jokes and killing time. Talking about how bored he was. Meanwhile, I was swamped. And seething.

I wondered if the managers got a Christmas bonus.

My manager bought lottery tickets—it was one of those “appointments” that would take him out of the office—and we all went in on the dream for $5.00 a week. Simple dreams. Just a nice house in town, and maybe a holiday of my own every second year. It would be a nicer life than the one I was leading.

A life where that missing hundred dollars really meant something.

Everyone wants the finer things in life. Some people had them, and took them for granted. Sean Browne once said he only stayed at five-star resorts. He said that me and Susan, who hadn’t gone anywhere on holiday for years. Some people trudged into the office every morning, and made it possible for people like Sean, just started and was not working out well, to be off vacationing in Hawaii with the rest of his family, while the people who made the business work didn’t get a small Christmas bonus.

December stayed on my mind. By summer, I’d sent out resumes. It was easy enough to say that the drive in from Dogpatch was tiring. Susan confirmed she would leave when her manager retired. Neither one of us would work for Sean Browne, we knew that.

By August, Nicole had slammed the door one too many times, had lost a shouting match with idiot Garry one too many times, and finally made good on her promise to quit. She couldn’t take being treated so differently from Sean, and finally realised it wouldn’t change. Her last name wasn’t Browne.

Things went downhill from there. Sean took over her portfolio, and mucked it up pretty badly and quickly. Clients dropped the company. The Brownes didn’t realise just how hard Nicole had worked, and how much work there was in her book of business. It was too much for Sean, who finally got the courage to tell his family that he hated the job. Family business or not, he was leaving soon.

I tried to keep my head down and stay out of it. I couldn’t help much, being as I had my own work to do. That didn’t mean I wasn’t asked to drop everything and help Sean and Garry out. I seethed. And I still remembered that if I was so helpful, and the Brownes were relying on me so much, I still didn’t deserve a lousy one hundred dollar Christmas bonus. I did the absolute minimum for them, murmuring I really had to take care of my own manager’s properties first.

Susan’s manager got sick. And when she came back, she announced her retirement. Susan and I spoke at lunch. “They don’t care about us. Look how many assistants they’ve lost. All the good people that care, they leave. Because they get so fed up. And they go to Dan and Bob Browne, who don’t do anything. It’s their name on the company business. I just don’t understand it. They think Garry walks on water…”

We all knew Garry Fielding was incompetent. Training Sean, who’d come from construction into an office job, we’d joked, was like our very own version of the blind leading the blind. Nicole called them Dumb and Dumber. And that’s the future of the company? She’d snorted in derision. Sean can’t even figure out how to manage his email. They’re putting him in charge of budgets? Of planning? It’s only because his last name is Browne.

And now Sean was going, and Garry couldn’t even work a simple spreadsheet.

By September I’d found a new job. It wasn’t the end of the world, after all. I’d moved before when things got unbearable. I just hated doing it, that’s all. Feeling like a beginner again, the ‘new girl’, when I was far from a girl.

But it was all right. And it was a lot closer to home, that dumpy doublewide I was secretly fond of.

By October, the first rumours had reached me, like tendrils of fog. Browne’s wasn’t doing well. Sean and Garry’s spectacular incompetence had finally caught up. The company was being sued for negligence.

By November, my old manager retired. He went early. He’d been counting down the days, but he knew what a sinking ship felt like. He leaped off.

In December, Browne’s, established 1923, closed. There’d be no Christmas bonus this year, either.

It didn’t have to be that way. All they had to do was listen to the people who actually did the work—the admins. We’d told the Brownes that Garry was incompetent. That all the good employees left because of him. All the people who cared, left. We told them, but they didn’t want to hear. They wanted to go to Hawaii.

It didn’t have to happen. All they had to do was pay that lousy one hundred dollar bonus to me, Susan and Nicole. We’d have stayed, despite everything. Because we’d have felt appreciated. We would have done Garry’s work and even Sean’s, and maybe the two senior managers wouldn’t have retired early. Maybe there would have been time to let Nicole flourish and mature. To get Sean to a minimum level of competence, and more than six properties to look after. Maybe.

It doesn’t matter now.

It’s December again. And I’m just curious what Edgewater Investments does for the secretaries at Christmas.
[/spoiler]

Savannah

They were still laughing as they walked through the entry hall, leaving the heat, noise and dust of the street behind them. Already in competition, swapping phones to see who had the best picture. Japhir thought Sunita’s was the best, she had caught the resigned look of the donkey, hanging securely in his traces while his owner looked on with an arm crooked to his waist and a frown as though he blamed the donkey for not being fatter.

The others laughed on a different note, saying it wasn’t the phone that Japhir favoured.

“What is it? What is it?” Begum Singh, who a genius for finding the worst moment to arrive, appeared behind them, blocking the door. “Where have you been? What are you laughing at?”

[spoiler]The students made their bows, giggles fading away under the grey-haired disapproval of the hostel director. She sliced through their enjoyment of the day as swiftly as a scalpel. Japhir found himself pushed to the front of the group and held out his phone in supplication. “We were at the market, a cart was overloaded.” He essayed a smile, but it was not returned.

“It was just suspended there, in mid-air!” Sunita offered. The cart overbalanced and the donkey hanging calmly, waiting for salvation with the patience of a four-legged Buddha.

Begum Singh sneered at the phone without touching it. “And this is how you spend your study time, laughing at unfortunate creatures?”

Mutti pushed his way through the other students to face her, not quite as far forward as Japhir. “We must have a break sometimes, we are working very hard.”

“You are in the most prestigious residential programme in the whole of-“

“Yes, yes.” Mutti raised his hands in surrender, they had all heard the litany many times before. “But even the great professor allows us an afternoon in the marketplace every fortnight.”

A murmur of agreement grew in volume and quickly faded under another glare from the Begum. The students shuffled closer together, Japhir and Mutti gratefully rejoining the flock. Like a sheepdog, she herded them before her; not needing to bite, just needing them to think she could.

The donkey was gone the next time they were allowed to trade a few hours study for the freedom of the market. Japhir had joked with Sunita that it might have stayed there forever, another attraction for the foreign tourists to ‘ah’ over. Its owner could paint it in colours as bright as Begum Singh’s saris. Sunita had laughed with him, suggesting the wheels would have been stolen off the cart while the owner sought help, then she grew serious. “The donkey would not have raised the alarm!” No more than Begum Singh had raised the alarm over their frivolity.

But cart, owner and beast had all gone, the cart must have been lightened enough for the donkey to touch ground and begin working once more. As much as he tried, Japhir couldn’t make a joke out of the owner being torn between delivering his still-carted goods and protecting the remainder. Sunita just sighed and remembered her brother having been robbed in her home market.

They still shared the photos, the professor himself had smiled when they showed him. He had issued no punishments, made no recriminations. Bey Singh had smiled his ‘I’ve got a secret’ smile and asked Sunita to recap the last lesson.

She had stammered her reply at first and Japhir had been gratified when she looked for his approval. He’d grinned and nodded to encourage her, inadvertently letting her go ahead with an incorrect interpretation of the coursework.

The professor corrected her gently and her face flamed in embarrassment. She did not look at Japhir again that morning. He tried to apologise after lunch, following Sunita from computer room to library to study room, round and around while she pretended he wasn’t there.

Mutti was the first to leave; a visit from the family after the first exams; hushed conversation with the professor; bags packed by Begum Singh while the rest of the students ate lunch. Mutti slipped out of the mansion and no student saw him go.

They did not speak about him, the students. It was as though he had never been one of them at all. Japhir went through the photos on his phone, not deleting every photo of Mutti, just the ones where he was in the foreground. Later, people will ask who my friends were and I will not remember his name.

They had been told, when they were accepted for this most prestigious course, they had been warned that only a few would stay to complete it.

The rains came and went, taking a double handful of students with them. Washed out, the others joked. Their laughter was strained and the joke was told with an air of defiance.

“Come on Sunita, it’s market day.”

“I am studying, Japhir.

“Please, we’ll look for the donkey, buy it some oats so it will be heavier.”

“I am sorry, Japhir. I must study.”

Japhir had to study, too, harder than he had ever done. He, who had sailed through school without effort, now circled from computer room to library to study room. He was used to working hard for what he wanted, none of the students came from wealth. It was difficult applying his good work ethic to the only thing that had ever been easy.

It did not seem fair.

“Your father works too hard.” His mother informed him by email.

“Your sister insists she will marry for love, someone rich enough to hire a cook so she does not need to learn.”
“Your grandmother is no better, her hips, her eyes.”
“Your uncle begs for help. We have nothing to spare.”
“Your brother is lazy.”
“Your mother is so proud, work hard.”

Japhir felt the ownership of them all; his father, his sister – all their faults were his fault.

Other students had gone. They heard the sounds of festival outside the mansion walls while they narrowed their essays down, ever finer, seeking approval from the professor.

He smiled at them, secretively, always two steps ahead. No matter how well they performed their tricks, he had seen it all before. He could demolish an entire theory with a sentence, a look, a flick of his finger. They studied harder, wrote more furiously, disappeared silently when Begum Singh packed their bags.

Japhir looked at his early notes, seeing what he’d believed to be impeccable, wonderful logic reduced to a desperate grasping at straws. His most recent work showed marked growth. He knew he was doing well, one of the brighter students the professor had said in an unguarded moment. This gave Japhir no comfort, complacency would win him no accolades, just another smile.

No-one took an afternoon off anymore. No-one laughed over pictures of the donkey, no-one flashed their phone and joked about hanging around the market place for the afternoon.

“Our guests today could be your future employers.” Begum Singh advised them over breakfast. The remaining students looked at her, dumb as animals. “That is, if you complete your coursework to a satisfactory standard.” She added with studied malice. They were less than half the number that had begun. They had a hunted look about them.

Japhir enjoyed the visit, as much as he enjoyed anything these days. Charm had always been one of his reliable tools. The foreigners asked simplistic questions that required complex answers. Japhir performed well, keeping his speech slow so they would understand him.

“How would you feel about travelling?”

Ecstatic? Free? Over the moon and far away? “I am happy to undertake any endeavour that is required to fulfil my duties.”

He saw Sunita with an older man, her bangles and earrings caught flashes of sunlight as she gestured and bowed. The man nodded his approval and touched her arm before moving on to another student.

The professor chatted with the foreigners like he was one of them, all quiet vowels and flat intonation. They shook his hand and laughed at his wit. Japhir made a note to buy a western suit when he got his job. They stare at his dhoti like it’s the circus master’s costume!

Begum Singh gave them no answers when they asked how they’d done. She smiled, not secretively like the professor, but openly gloating over her withheld information.

“You think you are this close to working for them.” She said, holding her fingers a hair’s breadth apart. “Hah!”

They heard no more of the foreigners. Nothing more could be done, it had been a visit for entertainment, not recruitment. See the dancing monkeys, how they strive for the promise of food. Don’t give them crumbs, not yet, let them dance some more. Japhir saw the mansion with new eyes, an old dilapidated building with a once important academic and his wife taking in students to make ends meet.

“Please, Japhir.” Sunita said, her hands pressed together and head bowed. “I must pass this course – my family.”

But everyone’s family had the same claim. None of them came from wealth.

“No-one must know.” He said, almost silently. The papers might have fallen from his bag as he rose from the table. No name, no handwriting to trace the notes back from. He would not risk sending her the original file.

That would be time-stamped. She would know when they’d been written.

He did not watch her during the next class, as she received the full impact of the secret smile and the dismissive flick. He could imagine the flaming of her face.

She did not accuse him afterwards. What could she have said?

They were close to an exam. It was easier after that. Japhir deleted more photos from his phone, telling himself that he needed the space. He stared at the picture of the donkey, wondering if it understood what had happened. Did it relish the new experience? Was it enjoying the view? Too shocked to react? Terrified into the semblance of apathy?

An email arrived during his final exams. It started as a wish of good luck, but soon descended into the litany of relative’s needs to be laid at his feet.

He waited for the results with the others, not too much of a crowd around the notice board. The professor had carried this tradition from his foreign schooling, this posting of scores for all to see and compare.

Japhir had come second in the class and the shame made bile rise in his throat. He joined in the boasting, how he would be the first to find a job, paid better than the others, too.

Bey Singh had waited until each had seen their results before he cleared his throat. “Well done each and all of you. Now the real work begins!”

All the months of intensive study seemed to swirl through Japhir’s mind, as busy as the market place during a festival. He felt dizzy and sick, even before the other students carried him with them, a pack of howling release out of the mansion and into the world.

He felt his feet leaving the ground and understood the donkey’s resigned acceptance at last.
[/spoiler]

Maggenpye

“Don’t be an ass, Hyacinth,” said Nasreen. Then, realizing the impropriety of the term, she added, with a polite swish of her tail, “I mean no disrespect to Ketifa, of course. But the thing is impossible; the names of God are unknown to us (except the One, of course), so how can she recite them?”

The mare, typically innocent, had also offended Hyacinth, whose father was a donkey. But Hyacinth, who like all good mules exercised temperance, and who was concerned most of all by the fear that Ketifa’s secret doowa constituted a blasphemy, ignored the insult.

“I tell you, it is true. She is in her stall now, reciting under her breath. She has not been the same since the master’s maghrib three days ago.”

[spoiler]Nasreen, who belonged to the merchant whose mansion sat on a cliff outside the village, was nonetheless often borrowed by the imam, and as she was customarily stabled in the village, this happened especially when the imam visited the merchant, which was often. But three days ago a different person had visited the merchant around the time of his evening prayer; this was a mystic and theoretician by the name of Attar. Ketifa, the donkey, had carried the traveler’s effects.

“Well,” said Nasreen, sighing, “there can be no harm in going to see her. But you know how she is once she has got an idea behind her eyes. And you know the master himself is to ride me to the conference at his mansion tomorrow. I had counted on getting my beauty rest.”

They found Ketifa lying on a bed of straw with her nose to the ground, her eyes closed, and her ears lying back with concentration. She pretended not to hear their approach, but continued reciting a litany under her breath: “Ar-Rahman. (The Exceedingly Beneficent.) Al-Latif. (The Gentle.) As-Sukkar. (Sugar.) Al-Hashiish. (Hay.)” These four names she invoked again and again, apparently having no greater store.

“Do you see?” said Hyacinth.

“What is this?” said Nasreen to Ketifa. “Why do you pronounce these names?”

The donkey opened her eyes. “Alhamdulillah,” she concluded. “The wise one said that his heart rejoices who remembers God. I am pronouncing the names of God.”

Nasreen gave a short whinny and tossed her head. “Wise one? Do you mean the Man from Nishapur? I thought he was a bit dotty, myself.”

“He’s not!” said Ketifa, earnestly. “He is the most learned master of our age, a darvesh, they say, and he practices the esoteric keramat of Tay al-Makan, whereby he travels from place to place without moving, making the earth move beneath his feet.”

“He had no such art, or why did he ride my back to the mansion three days ago?” Nasreen laughed. (You have probably heard a horse laugh, but you would not recognize it.)

Ketifa looked rather upset; she did not think her darvesh the least bit risible. Hyacinth tried to be kinder, thinking of the donkey’s gentle but perhaps gullible soul. “And is it from the wise one that you had these names of God?” she said. “Only I am not sure that sugar is one of them. It does not sound right to me. Nor hashish, which is grass, but which I know the Men say also of another kind of grass that I have never tasted. Ketifa, do you not think this is unwise?”

“I learned a great deal from him,” said Ketifa, “though I could only listen through an open window near the stable. He spoke of many things that it is hard to think about, so I believe he must be of great intellect. He also spoke many figures which I am sure were not meant to be literal, but which are doubtless instructive. Thirty birds became one bird, and that bird became God; but first they had to journey over seven valleys before they could arrive at that annihilation.

“Then he recited suras having to do with the keramats, miraculous gifts to God’s chosen. There were many that I have forgotten, but one was the Tay al-Makan, the bending of place by which journeys may be compressed, God willing. I was most interested in that because it seemed to me that if the mystic’s birds had possessed this keramat, they could have moved the valleys under them and arrived sooner. One of the valleys was called Bewilderment, and the last was Death, which I would be most eager to pass over.

“But, most importantly, Attar said that keramats are only given to those who practice proper dikhr, the remembering of God. That is why I am reciting the names. And that is why, if ever I forget a proper invocation, I also say May God guide me to do better next time. The wise one said this is very important.”

Nasreen turned to Hyacinth. “I told you, Hyacinth. There is nothing we can do here. Ketifa will persist until she has acquired this keramat, or else been blasted by God for her impudence. The whole thing will end in disaster either way.” And she turned and wandered back to her stall.

“You believe me, don’t you?” Ketifa said when Nasreen had gone.

“I believe what you have said about this wise man,” said Hyacinth. “But I do not think it is good for you to listen to him too much; his knowledge is made for Man creatures and not for mules and donkeys. At least do not keep yourself awake tonight remembering God. Remember that we are to carry the provisions up the hill tomorrow.”

“You’ll see,” said Ketifa. “I will be the first donkey to receive a keramat.” And she settled back on her straw and resumed her devotions.

The following morning, the three met again in the company which was to proceed to the merchant’s mansion. The merchant himself was overseeing the loading of provisions, so Nasreen was free to join Hyacinth and Ketifa by the carts.

Ketifa had already been harnessed to hers. The house of Ibrahim al-Rashid was very high among the cliffs; the road to it was long and hard, and consequently he wished to make only one journey, so the cart was loaded very heavily. But Ketifa did not complain. She was in a voluble mood, having just come from a hut in the stables over which a thin blue mist still lingered.

“I have made a discovery!” she said. “Some of the stable-Men were talking as they fixed my harness. They had a strong-smelling piece of hay that they passed between one another, and they used that word hashish several times. I am more convinced than ever that this is truly one of the names of God, for as they spoke it such a great spiritual feeling came over me. It was as though I stood atop the stables and could see everything.”

“Ah,” said Hyacinth. “But that was only part of your invocation. If only there were a sugar that produced similarly spiritual feelings.”

Nasreen looked uncomfortable. “These are not good things for a donkey to say. If you really stood atop the stables, you would fall.”

“I feel I have been blessed,” said Ketifa. “Perhaps, if I tried, God would permit me to use the Tay al-Makan.”

By midmorning all was ready. The mules and donkeys stood uncertainly with their carts on the hot sand, and the merchant and a few other men of consequence sat upon their horses. As the caravan began to move, from a nearby cypress, a hoopoe called.

Things did not go smoothly. Halfway up the hill, a donkey in the caravan stumbled and collapsed, and could not be persuaded to resume the road, not even after a vigorous beating. Its load, therefore, after an impressive stream of imprecations from its driver, was redistributed among the remaining carts. Ketifa seemed to get the worst of it, but she did not complain. “If necessary I will use the Tay al-Makan,” she said. “The earth will proceed under me and the journey will be accomplished.”

But as they moved on a strange thing began to happen. Hyacinth noticed it first and nudged Nasreen with her nose, who by good fortune was riding next to her cart. Every so often as her wagon bounced along uneven stones, all of Ketifa’s hooves would leave the ground, just for a moment. In parts where the road was nearly level, she would continue on in this fashion for a few feet before resuming the earth. As these episodes became more frequent, Ketifa began to anticipate them, and gave a small leap before, prolonging the duration of flight.

“I feel it!” said Ketifa, breathing fast with her ears straight back. “The earth moves, Hyacinth, it moves beneath me!”

Nasreen whinnied back, alarmed: “Ketifa, it is only your cart! The load has been unbalanced, and if you are not careful, you will tip up and fall off the side.”

Within the twinkling of an eye, Ketifa had given another little jump, and this one was at last too high. The rear of the cart descended slowly, inevitably, until it touched the ground, and Ketifa was lifted up by her harness. She continued to move her hoofs in the air, and her eyes were closed.

The merchant, seeing the donkey’s distress, leapt from Nasreen’s back with a curse and climbed onto Ketifa’s cart. As he shouted for his servants to again redistribute the packages, he leaned forward and struck Ketifa a sharp blow with a switch.

This proved to be a mistake. When he leaned the cart slowly righted itself; and when Katifa’s hooves touched earth she began pulling again as she’d been taught to do for so many years in response to pain. Now, the road ran often along the edge of a sheer cliff. In this particular place, it ran downhill some several hundred meters, leading into a sharp left-hand curve beyond which was a drop of two hundred feet; beyond this turn, the road to the left resumed climbing.

It was down this stretch that Ketifa now plunged, the heavy cart gaining speed every moment though the donkey was again spending a great deal of time with all four hooves in the air. Nasreen, riderless, charged after her. Hyacinth, with her own cart, was forced to stay behind.

“I shall become like a bird,” Ketifa called to Nasreen. “I think I see a valley approaching even now.”

“Stop, you foolish ass!” whinnied Nasreen. “Put your hooves on the land and stop, or you’ll be thirty birds when you reach the bottom!”

In the next instant two things happened. The first was that Nasreen made a last desperate gallop and heaved herself bodily into the path of the donkey. The second was that the right wheel of the cart, leaving the road, struck a large rock. Ketifa crashed into Nasreen and bore both of them down in a hoof-over-head tumble. The harness broke, and the cart – wheels, goods, merchant, and all – flipped, separated, briefly re-united with a crunch, and transported itself off the mountainside.

Ketifa and Nasreen presently stood up, shaken, bruised, and torn by the stones in a few places, but otherwise unhurt. The shock and pain restored the donkey’s senses to her, and with appropriate humiliation she looked over the edge of the cliff.

“I think I have made a theological mistake. The finer points of the Way eluded me. May God guide me to do better next time.”
[/spoiler]

Stealth Potato

Hong Bloody Kong, December 1904

Well, Mother, I’ve managed to arrive in Hong Kong and I’ll not lie to you, it’s an awful bloody place and I’m sure I’ll either be dead or in gaol by the end of the day. I know you have me out here with the best of intentions I’m near crippled and Jardine is likely to kill me over the state of his donkey and his good foreskins all over the bloody place. And I might come clean while I’m confessing, I’m in a saloon and I’m drinking what money I have until it’s spent or I’m too drunk to know the difference, one or the other. I’ll seek out a priest for Confession maybe after I’m done but I wouldn’t put too much money on the likelihood of finding one or, for that matter, too much faith in the quality of any priest who’d stay in an awful heathen hellhole like this. I’ll write down what happened here so at least you’ll know what became of the youngest son you sent away alone over to the other side of the bloody world, though I want you to feel no guilt or pain when I’m dead and gone for you were only doing what you thought was right though I notice you were in no rush to get on the boat yourself.

[spoiler]The crossing over was what you said it would be - like a watery Gomorrah. I’ll not abuse you too much with the tales of what I saw and heard but suffice it to say I was left with little choice but to evacuate my berth and sleep below close to the livestock to get away from the antics of my shipmates. The day I came back up from Mass to find one of them plunging into some friendly young trollop, god forgive me, his bare white arse flying up and down like a steam piston, I turned on my heel and I lived with the beasts from that moment on since I thought they could be no worse and at least I wouldn’t have to listen to them. And still, the things I saw down there, with some of them sailors and the way they conduct themselves would turn your hair green. But of course they’re British and like you said you can expect no better from an uncivilised people and sailors at that so I near rubbed my rosary smooth and prayed that hell would not go too uncomfortable for them, and I passed the weeks until we arrived here at Hong Kong.

Hong Kong means fragrant harbour, did you know that? Fragrant my arse, God forgive me, the whole place smells like a barnyard full of devils. Must be some class of a joke when they named the place maybe. I was gasping for air and sweating like a whore in Mass by the time I got to the lodging house. Mrs Feely, a lady from Wicklow, seemed very nice and got me settled and introduced me to some of the other lodgers. One man, a Mr Warne, also worked at Jardine’s and he offered to take me over there. He seemed a decent sort for all that he was English and I agreed and that’s where my mistake was for it turns out he was English through and through and no more to be trusted than any of them.

But still, I traipsed over there with him, sweating like a bull in a jersey the whole way. I had remembered what you said about the heathen Chinese and always to look out for myself so I had borrowed Mrs Feely’s breadknfe as the only stout piece of steel in her scullery. Not much use as a weapon, for sure, but I thought maybe there was a chance none of the Chinese savages would have seen good steel before and if they didn’t run away screaming I could maybe barter with it for my life.

So we gallivanted through the streets towards the harbour and I swear you never saw the like of the people there. All the heathen Chinese, of course, and their language is like the babble of demons. They seem to live in the streets for they have everything out in the open, it seems like. You can look right into their houses for they haven’t invented the front wall as far as I can see. The shops have all their goods hanging outside and some of them are entirely queer. The butcher’s, I suppose it must have been, had the meat freshly slaughtered just hung outside the door as a feast for the flies but nobody seemed to mind so I just sauntered on, but I kept my hand on the hilt of that bread knife. And them there’s the shops selling petrified sharks and skeletons and nefarious powders and potions and who knows except maybe human flesh and souls and tickets to the afterlife? A wicked place, and I said as much to Warne but he didn’t reply, just gave me a nod and a smile.

We arrived at Jardine’s offices and I was glad to get into it. Away from the stink and the sweat and all the heathenish babble, the place was like a mansion. We had to go up a mile of stairs to get to Mr Jardine’s office, and he already had the letter of introduction from Uncle Michael. A huge man, he is, horrible-looking too, with a shiny head as bald as an egg and great big red lips like slabs of liver. He leaned right over his big desk at me and looked me up and down like I was a sample of something sinful. ‘You’re Irish, he said at last, and I couldn’t speak but I managed to shake my head in agreement. ‘Drunks and fanatics,’ he said, and I thought it best to agree again. This seemed to satisfy whatever was in him and he turned to Warne and told him to take me to the loading bay. I was glad to be away from the horrible old hellion for I never met a man that scared me so much. He has a cold cast of wickedness about him, I said to Warne, and he sucked air through his lips and twitched his little English eyes this way and that and he leaned over to me and he said, ‘He hates the Irish. Rumour has it his daughter was seduced by a fellow from Dublin and he’s been murder on them ever since.’ I expressed a lack of surprise at this, being well used to the English and their perfidy, but Warne took me by the lapel and pulled me in close. ‘Rumour has it,’ he said, and I could smell the drink on his breath even as he imparted this new, terrible secret, ‘that he killed the last chap, O’Brien, just for loading the donkey wrong.’

I backed away and shook my head.’ You’re after making a fool of me,’ I said. ‘Sure nobody would…’

Warne interrupted. ‘Don;t say it out loud, for Christ’s sake,’ he said, looking around him like he was on the run. ‘Spies everywhere.’ I looked around too. I told myself I ‘d do well to take this man’s advice for he had no reason to do me wrong despite being English. We walked on and he told me the terrible news that I’d been assigned the job of loading the donkey - the same donkey the unfortunate O’Brien had been martyred over.

‘Loading donkeys?’ I said. ‘But I came here on the understanding I was to be made some class of a clerk or manager. A job with prospects I was told…’

‘And you have it,’ he said. ‘But this is the test. He makes all the Irish fellas do it.’ He stopped and turned to me, tapping a finger to his skull. ‘He’s mad, mate. Lunatic. Just keep him happy.’

I cosidered my options and I was close to telling them to stick their job up their arse and running off but, what was I to do? Here I am in a heathen nation (that you sent me to though I want you to feel no guilt over the terrible effects of your actions, effects which may well destroy me but no need to worry for sure you have two other sons still there on the farm and I’m sure you have no intention of sending them off around the world like you did to me) a clatter of oceans away from home. Where am I to go?

When I turned up at the docks, sure enough there was a fine-looking donkey there, a cart behind him, a heap of bundles beside them. And a group of the sorriest-looking individuals you can imagine waiting as though for a show. ‘They want to see you work,’ said Warne. ‘They’re afraid of what the old man’ll do if you foul the loading.’

You well know, Mother, that I’m not scared of work, so I looked at the stacks of skins and bundles on the ground and I prepared to fall to. ‘What are these anyway?’ I asked Warne as I rolled my sleeves up. ‘Foreskins,’ he said, ‘have you loaded them before?’ I had no desire to look unworldly in front of an Englishman, so I replied, ‘Certainly I have, I’ve traded foreskins with the best of them. A finer skin I’ve never felt.’

‘Well then,’ he said, ’you should have no bother.’

I started. The men were friendly enough, although I saw much money trading hands and there was banter of a foul sort as I worked. The stack on the cart was already head-high when some of the men went off and strike me if they didn’t come back with another load of those infernal foreskins. ‘Lord God,’ says I, ‘you’ll kill me.’

Warne stepped up. ‘Don’t stop now, for the love of Christ,’ he said, ‘for here cmes the boss.

I looked up and right enough, stepping out like Lucifer himself with a stout stick in his hand was old Jardine, and I fell to stacking that next lot of foreskins as quickly as I could. I could hear the cart creaking as I threw them on, the sweat tripping me and my arms like lead weights, but the fear of that old bastard kept me throwing them foreskins up like they were nothing.

I had nearly finished the lot when I saw the stack on the cart start to rise before me and I thought I must be hallucinating in the heat but sure enough I’d overloaded the cart and the weight was hauling the poor auld donkey up in the air. The men around me it was like they’d seen the second coming as they all burst into laughs and shouts and one man started shouting that he’d won. I had no time to worry about that though for on the other side of me I could hear old Jardine roaring about his donkey and I could see the big cudgel in his hand, ready, no doubt, to strike me down. He only thought I had was to get that donkey back on earth where it belonged so I reached out and I pulled two of the bales of foreskins out from the bottom and maybe a couple of dozen toppled off with them. The cart righted itself suddenly and the donkey was deposited back on the ground.

There’s a horrible sound, though, when a donkey’s legs break. Like a wet snap. Four of them, too, as his legs all broke in concert. There was a moment of silence, and I don’t know what happened after that for I ran away to here and here I’ll stay until the next ship or drunkenness or death takes me because there’s nothing for me in Hong Bloody Kong but foreskins and beatings and jail.

Your son,

Liam[/spoiler]

The Mighty Boosh

  • May you be uplifted by your burdens.

  • I don’t understand.

  • Be calm; it will become clear in time. You need to accept before you can analyze.

  • What is this? Where am I?

  • I don’t know how to tell you. I have your words, but I don’t have your concepts. This is here, and it is very different from your here. You will be confused for a time. Accept this; you are not in any danger at present.

  • Who are you?

  • You already know; you summoned yourself to me.

  • That wasn’t what I meant to do at all - how can I escape from here?

[spoiler]- You need to calm yourself; in exploring this place, you will define it. It might be better if you tell me what you perceive rather than asking what I know.

  • I am in motion, but I can’t see anything.

  • You are not in motion.

  • But I feel myself spinning and turning.

  • You are too accustomed to a large, static gravity source. Think of yourself as suspended between almost equal gravity sources which are in motion.

  • Am I in space, then?

  • Not as I understand your concept of it, no. Also, what I told you was a metaphor; our reality is stranger than yours.

  • Am I alive?

  • Yes, I think so.

  • Why can’t I see?

  • You can, you just haven’t learned yet.

  • Can you teach me? There’s so much I don’t understand here…

  • Hmmph. Try this - imagine yourself.

  • I don’t understand.

  • Imagine a part of your physical body. Think of it, and learn to see it with your ears.

  • With my eyes, you mean.

  • No, if you try to see with your eyes, you’ll become frightened. Light doesn’t behave the way you think it does here. Look with your ears; they have no preconceptions about light.

  • Aaaugh! My hand! It’s been cut off!

  • No! No! No! Calm yourself. Calm. Calm. Calm. Look again.

  • But it’s so far away!!

  • Flex your fingers. There. See? How could you move your fingers if your hand weren’t still attached?

  • I’m so frightened! If that’s my hand, my arm must be twenty metres long…

  • Accept it without fear. You are in a different place, with different rules and different possibilities. You are not used to unlimited perceptions.

  • Am I mad?

  • Not yet. Perhaps never.


Years passed on Earth. The mystic had not eaten, had not died and had not moved from his place at the mouth of the cave. Rain, sun and wind had pummeled him, until his skin looked more like a polished teak statue that a human. His brothers and sisters had long ago passed on - it was their grandchildren who climbed from the village to the cave to see this bizarre sight.

Strangely, though many people would joke about pushing him over, or pouring water on him, or playing any number of tricks on him, whenever people made the climb and sat by his immobile form, they felt a great reverence come over them, and they left him in peace.


  • You will return.

It was a statement, not a question. Yet neither was it an order - he was now so thoroughly understood by this other being that she often expressed his thoughts before he did.

  • Yes. I have one more task here, though.

  • I am frightened.

  • Yes, I know you are. Trust me; as you have been my guide here, so I will be your guide there.

  • I trust you. It is myself I do not trust.

  • I know your power; I know it to be far beyond anything mere humans can control. You will learn far more from sharing my limitations than I could ever teach you. You will suffer, I know. But through your suffering, we can bridge the gulf between our worlds.

  • Why would I?

  • Because you love me, even as I love you. Join with me.


Their joining lasted a year of Earth time. In that year, harvests were plentiful. The aurora danced in the Northern and Southern skies. There was a year of peace between nations, though none could say exactly why. Houses became mansions, and mansions became palaces. Poets, storytellers and playwrights were all inspired, and the music from that year was finer than any time that anyone could remember.

It was a very good year…


  • How do you stand it?

  • Most of us do not look beyond our limitations.

  • It isn’t your limitations that surprise me. Time flows in only one direction. Light only moves in a straight line. Water only falls and fire only rises. I feel so constrained by your world.

  • So what do these constraints teach you about us?

  • Somehow, despite it all, you learn wisdom. You learn compassion. You learn to choose your actions. We djinn just use power, without regard for right or wrong.

  • Are you tempted to unleash yourself on us all?

  • Yes. Well, no; not anymore. I don’t wish to do any harm to any of the humans, but I want to return to my native Chaos. I know you do, too. You no longer belong here.

  • You’re right; I don’t. Still, I have one last thing to do here.

  • Why do you think it will work?

  • Well, it won’t; at least, not for everybody. But if I only make things better for myself, I won’t have succeed. And I wouldn’t be worthy of my guide…

  • I’ll wait for you, then…


And so, he stayed. He lived out his natural life as a quiet, simple man. Some called him a teacher; others, a healer. Mostly, what he did was he listened. And as people unburdened themselves to him, they felt less and less like they were stranded and powerless. By choosing what to unload, and what to carry, they gained traction. Their lives became balanced.

While the more of their burdens he took on, the more uplifted he felt, and the closer he felt to a higher power. He was like one end of a balance; the more they placed on him, the more he rose, like a finger pointing at the moon.

When his final day arrived, he joyously rejoined that great love that had taught him so much.
[/spoiler]

Le Ministre de l’au-delà

Ed opened his second packet of crisps and turned up the volume on the television. This was the episode where they were finally going to reveal who had shot Jack Bradley. He leaned closer, partly in anticipation, but mostly so that he wouldn’t see the red light blinking to his left. He could still see the reflection of it bouncing off his favourite brassy barmaid as she leaned on the bar.

“Oo cares why they shot ‘im,” she said. “Ees only a bastard.”

“A bastard,” agreed Ed.

The flashing light was joined by a beeping noise. Ed groaned and rolled his chair over to the console. Keeping his eyes trained on the television he picked up the emergency phone.

“League headquarters,” he said.

[spoiler]He listened for a moment, blinked, sighed and hung up. The rest of the League were in Rio for Spiderbob’s surprise party, leaving Ed alone to man the phones. Reluctantly he clipped his cape onto his shoulders, and paused at the doorway for one last look at the television.

“Feck it anyway,” he said, as he stepped out onto the ledge and jumped. He allowed himself to drop for a few metres to give himself butterflies before he kicked off and upwards over the League’s headquarters, perched high on the mountain. As he set off towards Dehli he cursed his colleague. Just how many times was Spiderbob planning to turn 30 anyway?

A plume of dust rose up around Ed as he arrived at the market. He landed in a crouch, shoulders bent, head bowed. This was a pose he had worked on for a while, and he glanced surreptitiously from the corner of his eye to see if the crowd was impressed. But as the dust settled he saw that the crowd consisted of a small coughing boy and an angry looking bald man standing with his hands on his hips. Neither looked impressed by his landing so Ed stood up.

“So,” he said, dusting off his hands. “Whats the story here?”

The bald man took one hand off his hip and pointed behind Ed into the town square.

“Look,” he said. “Look at what she has done.”

Despite the destruction at the centre of the square, the remaining market stalls seemed to be bustling. Smoke rose from the middle of the market while customers bartered, chickens squawked, and donkeys pulled goods-laden carts. Ed pushed up his spandex sleeves and strode through the crowds to get past the outer ring of stalls. Inside, the market was like a maze and it took him several minutes before he pushed through the last of the merchants. The stalls in the centre of the market had been torn to pieces, the merchandise ground into the dirt. As he stepped through the rubble he could hear a loud keening sound. Clenching his fists he peeped around the last flapping piece of standing canvas. An old well stood in the centre of the square, and perched on the lip sat Callous Carla. Her breastplate heaved as she choked out the sobs, her mane of tangled hair bouncing with each deep gulp of air. Ed relaxed and stepped out into the open.

“Ah,” he said. “Its yourself.”

Carla’s head snapped up and she pounced to her feet, crouching into her attacking pose. Ed was not a short man but Carla still towered above him. He reckoned that she had to be threatening the seven foot mark. Even when she crouched he had to look up at her.

“Carla,” he said. “You can’t be at this craic.”

“Where are the others?” she asked, her eyes darting around the square. “You’re not here alone.”

“I’m afraid I am,” he said. “Everyone else went to Spiderbob’s party.”

She eyed him dubiously, still waiting for a surprise attack. When nobody else appeared she relaxed her shoulders, dragged a leather-bound wrist across her nose and ran a hand over her hair. With locks and snot taken care of she tried to affect a haughty look.

“And how exactly are you going to defeat on your own?” she asked.

Ed glanced around at the destruction in the market, then back at Carla. Two large curved swords hung from her belt. He could fly out of her reach of course, but he’d been flying for hours and he was tired.

“Eh,” he said. “Will we go for a drink?”

Carla kept the superior look on her face and looked away sharply.

“Fine,” she said.

The Governor’s Mansion stood on the south side of the square. Even though no Governor had lived there in over 20 years it was still called this by everyone in the area. The main drawing room was now a bar, with mismatched furniture and furry wallpaper. Callous Carla squeezed herself into a rickety chair while Ed bought a couple of warm, flat pints. Carla downed hers in one and slammed the glass back onto the table with a loud ‘ahh’. Adjusting her breastplate to make herself more comfortable she dropped her chin into one of her massive hands and sighed.

“Why doesn’t anybody take me seriously?” she asked. “I mean I might not be the first super villain that springs to mind, I’m no Dark Fairy, but I’m still dangerous. I should still instill fear

Ed took a long sip of his beer to avoid having to speak. Carla’s eyes swivelled towards the door.

“They didn’t even scream,” she said. “Not one of them. I arrived with arms and swords spinning like a whirling dervish. When I stopped to savour the terror I actually saw one of the women roll her eyes. God, where did it all go wrong?”

She waved at one of the waiters and pointed at her empty glass.

“Thats nothing,” said Ed. “Every single super hero on the planet got invited to Rio for the surprise party. Every hero except me. Oh they dressed it up like I was important, like if only one of us could be around to face danger then I was the man for the job. But I know whats what. I’m the one they can do without.”

He drained the rest of his drink and held up a finger to the waiter that was delivering Carla’s fresh pint.

“Not that I wanted to go,” he said. “Spiderbob gets on my nerves something fierce. You know he’s turning 30?”

Carla barked out a laugh.

“Again?” she asked.

Ed held up his hands, then sighing he rested them both, palms down on the little table. The waiter placed his drink down between them and Ed lifted his glass. Carla lifted her chin from her hand and raised her own glass.

“They’re only bastards,” she said.

“Bastards,” agreed Ed.

It takes a lot to get a super hero drunk, it takes even more to get a giant super villain drunk. But Ed and Carla were determined. By the time they stumbled out of the Governor’s Mansion the market had long closed. Ed tripped on the steps but caught himself before he hit the ground. Hovering inches from the dirt he giggled, then froze, waiting to see what his stomach was going to do next. Carla grabbed his cape and pulled him back to his feet. Still clutching it she glanced around, then, spotting something, she hauled him off across the square at a quick pace. Grabbing him under his arms she heaved him up onto a cart, startling the still-attached donkey. Ed sank into the cardboard boxes, watching her blearily as she leapt from the ground and landed on top of him. The boxes crumpled beneath Ed as Carla’s weight tipped the cart backwards, hoisting the whinnying donkey into the air. Ed looked back as the creature’s legs kicked wildly. They both began to laugh (Carla and Ed that is, the donkey didn’t consider it to be a laughing matter). Ed and Carla looked at each other. A flush of excitement and/or terror flipped Ed’s stomach as he studied the mass of hair and smudged lipstick hovering inches away from his face.

“Feck it,” he thought. “Why not?” as he lunged in for a messy kiss.

He awoke to find a wizened woman peering over the bottom of the cart. When she saw that he had woken she emitted a toothless tut and walked away. Ed pushed himself up. Carla was gone. He glanced around the square. It was still early and people were only beginning to set up their stalls. The donkey, now back on solid ground gave him an accusing look. Struggling, Ed clambered through the boxes and onto the ground. He made his way towards the Governor’s Mansion, dreaming of coffee and pain killers. Carla stood in the bar, glued to the television with the two other early morning patrons. He stepped up beside her, and noticing, she inclined her head towards him, keeping her eyes on the television.

"They’re all dead,” she said.

“Who?” he asked.

It turns out that putting every super hero on the planet in the one place at the one time might not be the best idea in the world.

Ed slumped into a chair and massaged his forehead with shaking fingers.

“They’re all gone,” he said. “I’m the only one left.”

Realisations seemed to hit him all at once from different angles.

He was alone…

He’d have to fight all of the evil in the world by himself…

He’d be so busy that he’d never find out who shot Jack Bradley…

And it served them right for not inviting him…

No that’s a terrible thing to think…

How would he live without his League brothers?

He’d never again play chess with Waxon…

Or flirt with Mary-Sue…

Or go shoplifting with Pixie Fingers…

“Hero Massacre!” read the banner on the television, as a black and white picture of Spiderbob filled the screen. Carla clamped his shoulder tightly.

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

“Ah I don’t know,” he said. “I suppose I’ll have to avenge them.”

He put his head in his hands. He could take Dark Fairy in a fair fight, but Dark Fairy didn’t fight fair. Paperweight could be dealt with but he always left those horrible little paper cuts that stung every time Ed stuck his fingers into a packet of crisps. And The Disemboweller would make shite of him.

“Why even bother?” he said, sitting back up. “I have no chance.”

Carla hunched down and took his chin between two meaty fingers.

“Quit whining,” she said. “Sure all your friends are dead, and every super villain is going to want to finish you off. And sure you’ll probably be killed in a really horrible way. But you have to think positive. You have to sit up straight and tell yourself that you are a super hero.”

“I am a super hero.”

“THE super hero,” she said. “And a finer one I’ve yet to meet.”

Ed narrowed his eyes.

“How many have you met?”

“Well you, and Pixie-Fingers, and Spiderbob of course.”

“Feckin’ Spiderbob,” said Ed. “I never liked the prick.”[/spoiler]

Hrududu

Close to Christmas day, a caravan in the holy land was headed to Bethlehem.

Well, not exactly, but it was close enough; the small caravan was passing through a small complex of ancient houses, but they were a recreation, made for the hundreds of tourists that come to this park that is somewhere close to the border with Jordan, most of the actors were in biblical period costumes, but most tourists, like Alejandra were spared the need to follow the ancient ways.

The organizer of this trip to the holy land was the mother of Alejandra and her sisters had come to, as her mother described, “a great event”; mother was very involved in religious matters and was keen to see that this trip would influence her “heathen” daughters to become close to god, specially the youngest one: Alejandra. More than once she had shown to her mother that she was following very “heretical” ideas, like that time when Alejandra was watching a video on evolution for a school assignment. At least her primary interest was on “non-threatening” veterinary science as her mother thought.

[spoiler]The caravan was going around the park stopping at locations with recreations of events of the new testament, however, Alejandra was elsewhere while she was riding on her donkey as it was one of the few in the caravan that was equipped with wireless internet.

The whole family thought that in a park that recreated the past it would be hard for her to get access to her weird sources. Unfortunately for them and to the joy of little Alejandra, a few of the donkeys had wireless connections consisting of special collars that transmitted the signals to the cell towers that could be spotted at a distance.

“For a tourist trap, I have to say this is nice, both the wireless and the animals” said Alejandra, but it was said in a whisper to their sisters, their mother was ahead of the group on a camel next to a very good friend of the family that was expecting her first child.

The three sisters had not much of a say on their choice of vacation. Last year’s vacation was at a Christian theme park in the USA, this time it was more interesting as they also visited Jerusalem, but this park was annoying for the sisters, this time of the year it was less dusty, but it was chilly, and the ride was a long one between the recreated villages; mercifully, several of the reenactments of biblical scenes were done indoors and the group could rest and look for local art pieces to take home. Mother was having a great time though.

In the afternoon the caravan left the recreated town of Nazareth, and they were on their way to “Bethlehem”, their destination; where a reenactment of the Nativity was going to take place.

The middle sister, Beatriz, was getting angry with the older sister.

“Carmen, I think you should drop the act, I think you are very close to mom’s ideas, you do have some hope that what mother is planning to do will fulfill some Christian prophecy.”

“I already told her to drop the act” Alejandra said with little emotion with her head looking attentively at her portable computer, “just leave Carmen alone Beatriz, you should be kind as we already know that you did not swallow all of what your new age and Wicca friends told you about the Mayan end of times. But you still appeared to be disappointed in your pictures standing next to the mayan temple in the Yucatan that you posted in the web a few weeks ago.”

Carmen and Beatriz were annoyed that their little brat of a sister had the habit of being right almost all of the time, and with an internet connection they usually found that she was indeed correct.

Alejandra continued, “Speaking of the likely plan of mom’s, I did a little research, the social page of her pregnant friend shows efforts to deal with fertility problems, so get this: her husband there is not likely to be the biological father.”

The older sisters looked at each other and then to the couple ahead of them, they paused so hard than even their mounts stopped for a moment too, then with heads shaking a loud “naaah!” came from them while they made their burros move along.

Carmen mentioned that Maria, the friend of mother’s, had told her that this trip was thank the lord because her prayers were finally answered, but Alejandra and her sisters suspected that it was an almost naked attempt at fulfilling some weird prophecy.

“Do you forget that Maria means “Mary” in Spanish?” Beatriz said in a loud voice, Carmen hushed her.

Still, Carmen insisted that it was more likely that this was just a coincidence and made a bet with Alejandra that there would not be any freak reactions from mother when the time of the birth did arrive, Alejandra took the bet and insisted into making it double if something else took place.

The caravan crossed a small creek in the middle of the park, they were getting closer to a village when they were surprised to see a donkey peeking over a fence at a distance.

“That has to be the tallest donkey I have ever seen or it is standing on a roof!” Carmen said.

Getting closer they found that the sad looking donkey was up in the air, attached to a cart that had tumbled backwards.

“That was too much weight for that little guy!” Remarked Alejandra.

Members of the caravan helped the driver of the cart to right it and removed the little donkey from the harness it was attached to, Alejandra noticed scars made by whips on the donkey, and his legs got hurt a little bit because of the cart tumble. She quickly found out on an internet search that bad treatment to donkeys was common in the middle east, one site reported that donkeys were still used a lot in the Holy Land, but they were cheap and ““when they become sick or injured they are simply abandoned on the roads, left tethered without food or water, or taken to landfill sites and dumped like rubbish. Often these stray donkeys fall prey to groups of children.” - The Telegraph”

Alejandra already knew how it was when kids got hold of weak or strange kids and animals back home and took pity of “burrito”, he demanded to the guides to let her take care of the donkey and guide him to the stable to ensure that he would have proper care and not to dump him as they were threatening to do.

“Will you promise to take care of burrito here?” Alejandra pleaded with anxiety.

“I can not do miracles”, the lead tourist guide that was playing father Abraham told the sisters with a heavy accent to the sisters, “there are people from the world human society that do take care of them over here and some groups even have places where they put donkeys to eat grass and weed around the date trees to keep the trees accessible, but kids rarely get attached to the little beasts” said the guide with a frown and looking now at Alejandra. ““Places that are the equivalent of the “Farm with a good couple that will take care of the animals” like in America are rare also over here.””

Alejandra would not budge, but as they were in a hurry the lead guide instructed others to let her take care of the slightly wounded beast until they arrived to the stables later in the night.

For the donkey, named “Burrito” by Alejandra, it was a nice surprise to get a rest, and the beast appreciated that Alejandra was guiding him and not riding on him, she walked all the way next to him and did apply some bandages to his wounds.

As soon as they got to the stables in the “town” of Bethlehem, Alejandra made an excellent work of dressing the wounds of the poor animal and convinced one of the handlers to not do anything with the animal until the next day. She got just in time to the main building to see the recreation of the virgin birth, when suddenly a real one took place in the seats next to her.

It was really embarrassing to see their mother trying to get closer to the small room next to the mangler and getting into the nerves of the doctor that fortunately was available, their mother was loudly praying about the end of times and the fulfillment of prophecy as “a new king was being born”.

She finally calmed and sulked only after being told that Maria just had a healthy baby girl…

“Well, I lost the bet”, Carmen grumpily told Alejandra, “but how did you know that it was going to be a girl? Are you becoming a witch like our sister?”

“Nah, nothing sinister, I had been in contact with the husband, I knew that he was not a member of Maria’s sect and he reported to me that they decided to have the trip when Mother invited them with all expenses paid, Maria was lukewarm to the “prophecy” of mom’s but they did not mention to her if it was going to be a boy or a girl, I deduced it was a girl because in her social page Maria made remarks about the toys and clothing the baby could expect to get.”

Maria later did mention that she was not convinced on what Alejandra’s mother had planned, she was very happy for her baby though, and the sisters promised to be the godmothers of the new baby. As a parting present the sisters offered the new family a few gold commemorative coins, and a gift certificate from the gift shop for some frankincense and myrrh.

“Wise girls huh?” said mother the next day, she was very humble now, “Oh well, it was not meant to be… …yet!” with “yet” said with an evil looking emphasis, making the sisters worry, they sighted but they still loved her dearly, even if she was an eccentric, she was still a very good mother.

Before getting into the bus to the airport and back to their mansion, Alejandra realized that there was still one important gift to give.

Alejandra approached the stable and found the little donkey. Burrito did show affection for the one that had taken care of him.

“And what can I get you for Christmas little fella?” Alejandra said to him while petting him with one hand and searching for some items online and sending messages with the other.

“Where are you taking this donkey little miss?” The tour guide said after Alejandra paid well for the donkey.

“Well, I’m not a maker of miracles either Mr. “Abraham”, but I got money from a bet and I have enough to rent a small truck to take burrito to a date farm with the “nice family” that you talked about, they will appreciate a contribution for the great work they do for donkeys and my family will get lots of date palm fruits in exchange.”

Burrito was surprised to find his reins removed and being led by the kind girl to a truck, and after a short trip, he was led to a very peaceful place with lots of palms and other donkeys to keep company and no whips around.

For this little donkey, a finer miracle could not be conceived.[/spoiler]

GIGObuster

Port Flon was a tawdry chaotic gold-rush town in a tawdry chaotic world. Its streets were crowded with sailors and miners and prostitutes and shopkeepers and beasts of burden and vehicles and robots.

The mansions of the newly-rich, still smelling of fresh paint and sawdust, rubbed shoulders with the canvas tents of the glitter-eyed newbies just off the ships–ships which, as often as not, were abandoned by their crews as soon as they reached port. The docks surged with shouting and cursing as touts and provisioners and scammers sized up the new arrivals, and the new arrivals tried to make sense of things and find their local connections, if they had any. Everywhere people and animals and machines made their way around bales and trunks and barrels and crates.

And in that chaos I had to defuse a donkey.

[spoiler]Let me back up a bit. There was a long-running controversy among the miners about the best way to get up-country to the mines. Some miners used aircraft, but these required landing areas and expensive spare parts that had to be shipped in from home. Some miners chose ground vehicles, but wheeled vehicles could not go far outside of the settlements, tracked vehicles were slow, and legged vehicles difficult to repair. And all vehicles needed spare parts. Lastly, some miners brought pack animals, but most such animals could not subsist on the native vegetation, and food and supplies then had to be packed in for the animals as well as for the miners.

My money was on the animals in the short term, at least until spare parts for machines became more available. But many miners, fresh from the robot-filled cities of home, were completely-unfamiliar with handling pack animals. The services of experienced animal wranglers, such as myself, fetched a high price, but many would-be miners looked at that price–paid in advance–and set out on their own. After all, they had pets back home; how hard could it be?

This brings me to Murray.

Murray was a miner who chose to use pack animals. But he also chose to put his supplies on a two-wheeled cart pulled by a single animal, rather than in panniers on multiple animals’ backs. Even accounting for spare animals, this reduced the number of animals needed, but the cart could potentially prove awkward. As I soon found out.

I was in the front room at Selfridge’s, sucking back a cola and absentmindedly eyeing the women upstairs across the street, when there was a commotion outside. Someone ran in, calling my name. There was a situation outside.

And what a situation. A two-wheeled cart, overloaded, had tipped backwards onto the ground. An unfortunate donkey was suspended helplessly in mid-air between the shafts of the cart, which now pointed diagonally into the air. Most of the cart’s load was still strapped to the cart, but several boxes and containers were scattered about. And there was a familiar smell that meant trouble.

I walked up to a bulky bearded man who was staring at the cart with a baffled “what do I do now?” expression. “What’s happened?”

He replied, “I’m Murray Johnson. There seems to be a slight problem with my load…”

“You’ve got more than a slight problem. Let me guess. You’re a new miner, and you bought illarium primer for your explosives?”

“Yes…”

“And the container’s broken?”

“Yes… it was on top, and flew off, and the donkey must have kicked it…”

“Well, by the smell, I’d say that it’s all over the place. It’s likely to go up if it gets the right kind of spark or impact. Where are your explosives?”

“On the cart…”

I raised my voice. “Clear the area!”

I pointed at several bystanders. “You, you, and you! Keep everyone away from the cart!”

I turned back to the hapless would-be miner. “We definitely have a problem. Your animal needs to be removed immediately. Without struggle. If it kicks any of the illarium… boom!”

Murray paled, and glanced nervously at the cart. The donkey was twitching.

It looked like I was going to have to take command. “We can wash the illarium from the donkey. Better to leave him up there for the moment, where he can’t kick anything on the ground.” I sent one of the bystanders to ask for the fire pump and its water wagon.

A few minutes later, the fire pump and water wagon arrived. Evidently the words “illarium”, “explosives” and “dilute” had worked wonders. We hooked up, and soaked the donkey first, then the ground under it, then the cart.

We organized a group to lift and chock the rear of the wagon. Slowly it returned to horizontal. Murray unhitched and led the now-shivering donkey away to the side. He returned and partially unloaded the cart until it was balanced.

“Now, Murray, you are going to be billed for this: blocking the road, using town equipment, hiring helpers… have we learned anything here?”

Murray shuffled his feet and muttered something into his beard. “I guess so.” He left to retrieve his donkey and hitch him back up to the now-balanced cart. It was time for him to be on his way.

I was feeling rather testy. Fighting fires is one thing, but this was just plain stupidity, that could have turned tragic. Back home, they always said, “Drive safe. Arrive alive.” I just hoped we’d learn that without wrecking the town.

I returned to Selfridge’s to pay my tab, and then headed for home.[/spoiler]

Sunspace

Soon we shall arrive at the finer mansion of the two my grandfather is leaving me in his will, and the train has just passed us through our first tunnel of the day, bathing us in our first coat of smoke and obscuring whatever pleasurable views may be experienced in the passing Arabian countryside. My grandfather is napping. I am plotting to murder him.

Some time is still to pass before breakfast, Arabs in white shirts and ties jangling silverware, and I should have time to write.

We have been touring Grandfather’s holdings, what he calls the “drawstrings” of his “empire,” those sources of his wealth. Beginning near the venues of his upbringing in the American west, and then on to parts of South America and Africa. How they hate him everywhere. In Brazil they spit at his feet and curse his name; in Bolivia his burnt effigies still hang from vacated huts. In Africa some ancient and wizened Negroes carry memory of his face and hurl stones at it. Savages. He will not venture into Europe – I suspect because there still exist warrants for his arrest there.

[spoiler]It is no secret that my own father will not speak to the old man at all, and that my uncle has denounced him from the pulpit on several occasions. I am likely all he has. The poor bastard – when he is dead no one will miss him at all. Certainly I will not.

What I have is a few drops of arsenic, procured in Delhi, which I have been assured will mimic the effect of natural heart failure. At his age, will anyone be in a state of wonderment that his heart has suddenly failed? I think not. Most of them will be astonished to find he has a heart.

I have just opened my window to receive some relief from the fog of cigars. Those damned British are everywhere in this train, and their traces linger in the breakfast car like the perfumes of cheap women. Nothing but desert can be seen outside. Grandfather assures me that this mansion is in a city, and quite a large city, and that it puts to shame the less fine one, the one in Chicago. We shall see.

“I recollect,” my grandfather says, his mane of white hair bristling to life, “how first I came to this land, when the Ay-rabs still owned everything around and not a white man could be seen. I impressed them first with my knowledge of their language, and then with the fineness of my fabrics, and soon had opened a stall in their marketplace and employed two turbaned ragamuffins to oversee it while I made deals with princes and ministers.”

There is a faraway bright twinkling in both his eyes and he pauses, no doubt consumed with his own romantic inventions. I believe in Grandfather’s tales the same way I believe those of Mother Goose or Jesus Christ, and presume that they have undergone the same amount of literary refinement over a comparable period of time.

“Boy, let me tell you a story.”

Oh God another story.

“Around here they call me [an indecipherable spout of gobbledygook I take to be authentic Arabic], which means, ah, well, I misremember what it means exactly, but it conveys the connotation of positive associations, I assure you.”

“I am assured,” I say, and I stifle a yawn. You must tell me of all the scandalous music hall goings-on in Chicago I am missing when I return.

“And so they liked me, by which I mean that they derived enjoyment from my presence. You understand this, Archie?”

“Yes, Grandfather.”

“Well, but one day, I took on a shipment of clothing. Robes and such, and also blankets and untailored fabrics, and when I received this shipment it came on the backs of dozens of camels, and the seller giggled most gleefully when he unloaded it at my doorstep, and moreso when I dropped the coins into his hand, and then he took all them camels away.”

“All of those camels,” I mutter.

“What? Well, now, it happens there was a storm coming, and I didn’t want to leave all these goods in that tent in the marketplace, and so I resolved to transport them all to my house immediately. Now, all my money was held up in that tent, you know, and in those clothes I’d just bought, and I hadn’t but one horse to my name, poor old Daniel. And I loaded every one of those boxes into a cart and attached it to his bridle and – ha ha! – do you know what happened?”

“The weight was too much and it lifted him off the ground?”

His astonishment blossoms. Maybe he thinks the story has changed since last time.

“Don’t get smart, boy! You can still get yourself disinherited! No doubt there is other useless gadabouts who’d be interested in hearin’ and repeat hearin’ my tales for a reward”

“So what did happen, Grandfather?”

“What you said, it lifted him off the ground, and he hanged there tryin’ to gallop in the air like a fly in a web, and all the Ay-rabs gathered about and laughed, and at first I felt ashamed by this, and then I got to laughin’ too. And that storm was comin’ and I said, to the Devil with it all! And I grabbed boxes and threw them to the crowd, and soon as Daniel’s feet touched the ground we rushed to the house, and just after the storm came and tore everything up all over.”

He stares out the window for a time after that, the desert loitering by, except that for the first time I see a big dot on the horizon, an approaching town.

“Yeah, I was lucky,” he says. “And after that they actually liked me.”

“You said they liked you before,” I say. My pocket watch is broken, or I would check it.

“They didn’t hate me. Like I said, I entertained them some.”

Now he is gazing out the window again, maybe napping.

Honestly, the rubbish he spews. I am sure it settles his mind, the idea that someplace they acknowledge him a hero. Someplace they don’t spit at him. Sentimentality’s his weakness. His only strength was his lack of ethics.

A few drops of the arsenic, maybe tonight, in his turtle soup, or whatever the local savagery’s equivalent. If he dies in his sleep, in the night, and is not discovered until morning, it will be all the better for me. Except for the flies and the mosquitoes. Oh God the flies and the mosquitoes! Never travel, Jeremy.

Breakfast is served. I will continue briefly.

Awful. The servants at home could have baked a tablecloth and made it more flavorful.

Suddenly animated Grandfather springs from his chair and goes to the window.

“Here we are,” he says. “This is [a guttural, expletive-like word I take for an Arab place name]. Lovely little town in the days of my youth, the one I told you about.”

The train is slowing only a bit and we will not stop. But a crowd of people has gathered outside the little water tower that passes for a station, dressed in turbans and robes and some waving blankets. Grandfather sticks his head out the window and waves a hand and they cheer. “Swicegood!”

And a smile cracks across the old man’s face, threatening to tear his nose right off and drown it in his whiskers. Those might even be tears in his eyes.

“Ha ha!” he says, and wipes something from his eye, and he sits and the station fades behind us. “They remember.”

The childishness of these people! Playing along with an old man’s vanity! Having never witnessed the frivolity of the colored peoples, and the austerity of their homelands you could never understand my sheer boredom with this entire adventure. Even God cannot know how relieved I will be when the old man is dead and I have returned home to civilization. I do not care how fine this second mansion is.

Tonight. Definitely tonight. I could be returning home by the weekend.

I must now script and rehearse an account to give to whatever passes for the police in these parts. I must be convincing. You will of course be good enough to burn this letter. My best wishes to you and to your sister.
Yours,
A. R. Swicegood III[/spoiler]

irritant

Gary Miller had just finished chopping down his second tree that morning when the Baron’s men came for him. “Whatever it is, I didn’t do it,” he blurted out as soon as he saw their uniforms.

The sergeant gestured for his men to stay still, then took a step nearer. “No, you didn’t, sir - yet.” That confused Gary enough that he nearly dropped the axe. “My lord has need of your services.”

Gary sighed. Dimly he’d been afraid it would come to this. He never wanted to be a hero, but a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and surviving it added up to a reputation. He weighed the axe in his hands for a few seconds. He was all alone, faced with the three soldiers. Could he take them on and survive that too?

But that wouldn’t pay off. If he did this favor for the Baron, there was a chance that he’d be left alone to live his own life, most of the time. For attacking the Baron’s men - he’d never know peace again.

“All right, where to now, my good men?”

[spoiler]They led him down the wide road into town. It was market day, and there was no way of getting to the Baron’s mansion in town without struggling through the crowds. They were cutting through a small open square down the lane from the market green, surrounded by modest houses and shops. A tired old pack horse crossed the square thirty yards away, pulling a simple cart - nothing more than a flat plank between two study wheels, laden down with cream-colored boxes and packages.

A man dressed in black stepped out of a crowd ahead of the horse, standing right in its way. The horse’s groom called out in annoyance, and then - the next thing Gary knew, the horse had leapt into the air, its front hooves reaching waist height, and it was squealing in absolute terror.

Gary immediately bolted the other way, looking for some way out of the square, and felt a hand clamp around his shoulder. He looked up at the grim sergeant, and then pointed ahead to a narrow passage leading between a squat inn and a chandler’s storefront. “Let’s get out of here,” he said. “That leads to a back alley, yeah?”

“But you’re supposed to…”

“We’re not,” one of the other soldiers said, running ahead. “Beggin’ your pardon, sir. And he hasn’t talked to the Baron yet. Our orders were to bring him in to talk.”

The sergeant looked over his shoulder at the square, and then hurried Gary along. Gary took one look back before they hurried in between the buildings. The poor horse was still in a dangerous frenzy, and nobody was approaching either him or the man in black, who had wandered around to the back of the cart and was examining some of the spilled packages.

Within the hour, Gary had arrived at the Baron’s mansion, and sat in the very presence of the petty lord. Baron Hofstad sat upon a great padded chair and behind a wide table, close to the fire, while Gary had to perch on a rough stool, but he’d been offered a mug of fine wine.

“I understand that you were witness to an unpleasant scene on your way here, Miller,” the Baron snapped.

“Yes,” Gary agreed. “And I gather you want me to deal with the man responsible.”

The Baron blanched for a second. “Well, yes. You are well renowned throughout the Barony as a man of uncommon prowess, and bravery.”

“I faced down a bear once, and killed two enemy soldiers for you,” Gary muttered. “Was there anything else?”

“The little matter of the evil wizard.”

Gary sighed. How these tales grew in the telling. It was just a short alchemist who’d run around the village throwing smelly concoctions at people - infusion of onion leaves and what have you.

“Okay, let’s get down to it. What makes this man in black so fearsome, that your guards hesitate to face him? Is he mighty and strong, or with hell-begotten powers to move living creatures without touching them? I didn’t see everything that happened to the horse in that square, but -” He tried to think of a poetic way to finish that sentence, and gave up. “It was peculiar.”

“Nobody knows for sure,” the Baron said. “The only people who have faced him directly - are too frightened to give a sensible account of what has befallen them.”

“I see. So, why should I solve this little problem for you?”

“Is it not your problem as well? This man in black may come for your wife and your little boys next.”

“Has he been known to rampage beyond the town?”

“Not yet - but who knows what tomorrow may bring?”

“I could just wait and see. It isn’t hard to see somebody coming up the road from town.” Providing you’re watching, instead of chopping down a tree. If only Gary had been watching that morning…

“Do the lives of the common townspeople mean so little to you?”

“Do they really mean much to you?”

There was a tense silence for a moment. “I could pay you a hundred gold coins if you dispatch this threat. Enough to pay for the finer things in life.”

“You mean kill the man?”

“Well - if you can deliver him safely to my guards, in chains, then that would be acceptable. But it would be on your risk. If the precautions against an escape are insufficient, I would hold you responsible.”

“And how much will you pay my family, if I perish in the attempt?”

Now the baron showed a lazy smile. “I don’t know. Perhaps we should ask them. I have more of my guards bringing them to town already.”

Gary felt a ball of ice grow in the deepest part on his stomach. “And let me guess - if I prove reluctant to face the man in black, you’ll have them put out as bait for him. So that I’ll have to challenge him to save their lives.”

“Why, Mister Miller, that would be… desperate.” The Baron grinned. “I wouldn’t advise you ever make me feel that desperate, sir.”

Gary groaned. "Let’s wait until my wife gets here. She’s the shrewd haggler in the family, not me.

The sun was dropping towards evening when Gary left the Baron’s mansion, carrying a fine sword and wearing the first suit of armor from the guard’s barracks that fit him. His beloved Lisbeth and the children were enjoying the hospitality of the Baron, but everybody understood that if Gary ran away from his task, their safety would become peril.

He felt like he was in one of those old stories where the great prince goes into the dark caves alone to challenge the monster. Everybody out on the streets seemed to be staring at him, from the richest banker to the poorest beggar. Nobody seemed to know where the man in black might stay or who he had befriended to hide him when he wasn’t terrorizing the townspeople and committing his crimes. There seemed to be a few more people than usual who were wearing light, pale colors, and Gary wondered if that was a deliberate reaction, an attempt to silently say ‘Don’t look at me. I can’t be the Man in black.’ Still, there was enough contrast in any knot of people to make it hard to be sure where he might be lurking.

Gary went first to the square where the incident with the draft horse had taken place, but nobody seemed to remember the incident, and Gary couldn’t describe the crowd that the man in black had stepped out of with any detail. Lacking any other clues to find the trail of his quarry, Gary started wandering the streets of the town aimlessly, calling out to the man silently. You have to come and face me. It’s that or my family is put into hazard.

After nearly an hour of wandering around like that, Gary looked up and saw a man dressed in black, standing alone at the other end of the street. He checked that his sword was still in its sheath and walked forward to meet his fate.

“Why did you come here?” he asked.

“I had to do something to stop you thinking at me like that. It’s really annoying.”

“You - you could tell?” Gary breathed. The man in black shrugged. “What’s your secret?”

“Do you really expect me to tell you?” Now that Gary got close, he saw that the man was very young, possibly still in his teens, though his clothes looked like those of a senior officer in the army.

“Maybe. I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.”

“I don’t know it all. I don’t know why I can do what I do. Perhaps I was born under a mighty star.”

“You realize that I have to stop you from hurting people.”

“You, really?” The boy pulled out a cheap hunting knife. It might not be as fancy as Gary’s borrowed sword, but it could kill him just as well. “What makes you think that you can succeed where everybody else has failed?”

“I don’t know, only that I must try.” Gary pulled the sword, and suddenly felt a mortal dread fill his soul. Suddenly he realized what had happened to the poor horse - if jumping three yards into the air could have helped him escape from that fear, he’d have jumped too. But unlike the dumb beast, he had the wits to know it was pointless.

He took two steps backward, and then with a huge effort of will he ordered his feet to stay stuck to the dirt. They trembled, but stood fast.

“Gods above,” the boy muttered. “How are you not around the corner by now?”

“I have two things on my side, or perhaps three,” Gary growled. “The one that I’m not certain of, is that people tell me I have a natural surfeit of courage. Whether that be so, whether I am better able to resist fear, I cannot say. But I do know for certain that fear is just a humor running through my veins. It cannot hurt me, and I shall not let it rule me.”

The boy edged cautiously closer. “And what is the last thing?”

“That last, is that I am more worried about what happens to my family if I fail in this task than I could ever be of you.”

“Indeed, fascinating.” The boy crept further. “But for all of those three things, it seems that all of your iron will can only keep you from fleeing. It cannot drive you to lift your arm against me or walk closer to the terror. And having you rooted in place like a great oak tree - that works for me.”

And with that, he charged at Gary, his knife leading, pointing at the exposed flesh of his neck. Gary took a deep breath. He knew that he had one moment to act, and that he wouldn’t be able to unsheathe the sword and use it in time - not without this boy noticing. And he didn’t think that a single blow with his closed fist would get the job done.

So he dropped into a crouch, which was surprisingly easy, as his terror seemed to approve of that course of action, hugging himself tightly in a ball upon the ground. He felt the boy stumble over him, and then the fear was gone from his heart. Gary suspected he knew what that meant.

Surely enough, when he stood up again and examined the boy; he had managed to fall upon the knife. Blood was gushing out onto the dirt.
[/spoiler]

chrisk

Abed was empty. Part of his emptiness was intentional, an exercise in
internal clarity. But the other part was a sort of restless longing or
loneliness for something that he could not yet identify. He had done
all he could think to do in his small village to satisfy these
mysterious cravings, but he had long ago exhausted all the resources
and potential of his immediate surroundings.

Perhaps if there were a city he could emigrate to, there would be
opportunities. But all of the cities, if they ever existed in anything
but stories told to children, had long ago vanished along with the
people that built them. All there was now were small villages spread
out sparingly over the land. Maybe it was time to give up, accept his
feelings as unsolvable, and concentrate on his pragmatic life in the
village, perhaps pursue a small trade and find a wife. It was at the
moment that this notion crossed his mind that the letter arrived.

[spoiler]Abed opened his door to the gentle knocking he recognized well, and smiled, happy to have a distraction. “Hello, Gan, what have you got for me?”

Gan smiled back, and handed Abed a letter. “Just this one today, friend. Do you have anything for me?”

“Not today. How are your sons?” Abed examined the letter. It was a small piece of paper folded over, addressed to him, and closed with a small wax seal. He had trouble identifying the wax symbol. It was abstract, and reminded him of several things, most of all a vague semblance of an elephant’s head. Inside, all it said was “Seeker – seek Mulad.” No signature or return address.

“Prosperous, I am happy to say, friend. But I have many more deliveries. I hope you enjoy your letter. Goodbye, friend.” Gan turned to leave.

“Wait, please,” Abed pleaded, and Gan turned back towards him. “This letter is not signed. Do you remember who gave it to you?”

Gan shook his head and replied, “no, in fact, it is something of a mystery, I am afraid. It was in my sorting pile this morning, but I do not recall receiving it. I am sorry.”

“It says here to seek Mulad. Do you know Mulad?”

Gan turned his eyes up and to the side as if his memory were a painting he could scan for details. “The only Mulad I can recall is a street performer in the east market. I believe he performs under the banana tree. “

“Thank you! I will try there. Please have this small token.”

Gan accepted the small coin with thanks and left. Abed packed a small bag and set out for the market on his donkey cart. It was afternoon when they arrived, and Abed felt bathed by a kiss of warmth as the sun reached its apex, alone in the sky but for one solitary cloud. Under the banana tree hung a small sign “next show at dusk.”

When the moon appeared, a man came out of a nearby house. Naked except for a small red cloth, his body and face were covered in dried mud with spiral patterns. He lit torches, then placed a blanket on the ground and there placed a large boxy woven basket, also red, and hinged at the top. Abed tried to get his attention but the man waved him off.

Abed waited patiently along with the slowly gathering crowd. There was a small boy trying to get a better view next to him. Abed introduced himself and offered him a lift on his shoulders. He asked the boy, who was called Hrit, if he had seen the show before.

“No! I have wanted to for a long time but I live far away. I had heard that Mulad was leaving, so I begged my mother to let me come here with my uncle to see the show before he was gone.”

Abed was happy to have confirmation of the performer’s name, although he could not yet be sure the letter from the same Mulad. At last, the performer sat down and began to play a flute. The mesmerizing melody seemed to ebb and flow with the flickering of the torches. Soon the basket began to sway back and forth, and the lid started to bounce.

The lid open fully and two dancing snakes emerged, bobbing and spiraling around each other. Mulad put down his flute and the snakes froze. He asked for a volunteer and Hrit jumped down, pushing his way through the crowd. Mulad gestured to a rope with a small loop at the end hanging from the tree above. Hrit scrambled up the tree, climbed down the rope, and put his feet through the loop. He let go with his hands and hung upside down from the tree.

Mulad played again, the snakes grew longer and higher, and Abed began to worry. They danced closer and closer to the hanging boy. Finally Abed could stand it no longer. He rushed forward and put his two arms up to the boy to take him away. At that moment, the two snakes struck. Each bit one of his wrists. He began to feel faint, and fell
backwards. The last thing he saw as he lost consciousness was the full moon growing in his sight to encompass the entire sky and envelop him in bright white liquid light.

His body felt on fire, no doubt the poison from the snakes. He wasn’t sure if he was dying or entering a fever dream. The moon seemed to shrink again and become the face of a woman. She was kneeling over him. More beautiful than any woman he had encountered, with kind eyes, berry lips, and draped in a fine, gauzy orange fabric that hid the details of her skin but accentuated the curves of her form.

She kissed him on the forehead and whispered in his ear her name, Swa. The fire seemed to gather and concentrate in his loins, but the feeling of a dream prevented the growing there from causing him embarrassment.

Swa caressed his body and seemed to be whispering offers of endless carnal pleasures. Abed leaned forward, tempted to taste her lips, but he paused, part of him sensing that this would just be a distraction from what he was truly seeking on this journey. He leaned back and closed his eyes.

The darkness beyond his eyelids became bright and he opened them. A middle aged woman in a more modest orange robe was lovingly sponging his skin. In the corner of the house he saw Mulad and it suddenly dawned on him that the fever dream had incorporated elements of his surroundings.

H was glad he had not given into the temptations of his dreams, as it might have been misinterpreted as him making a pass at this woman who was clearly Mulad’s wife. The inadvertent impropriety, even excused as part of his sickness, might have made Mulad less than willing to help him.

He sat up, thanked them for nursing him back to health, and asked about the letter. Mulad confirmed that he had slipped it in Gan’s delivery pouch last time he was visiting, but said that it was not from him. He had been asked to take it this far by his friend Mani. Mani was also a performer, a fire dancer and juggler who lived in a community of performers.

Mulad and his wife Swa were due to return there, but were in need of transportation. Abed offered to take them there in return for introducing him to Mani. They all boarded his cart, Mulad with his red basket and its pair of snakes, and Swa with her orange basket of sponge water and healing herbs. They set off, and when they arrived, the couple pointed him in the direction of Mani, and offered him their baskets as gifts.


Mani was not to be the end of the journey, though, Abed was led through a series of encounters with different people, each of whom had passed on the letter, each of whom seemed to present some sort of challenge, and each of whom left him with another colored basket and directions to the next person.

Mani led him to Ana, she to Vishu, him to Ajna, and her finally to the couple Saha and Kether. They told him to sit and meditate, and his next step would become clear, then left him alone. He did as told and eventually remembered that he had left his donkey alone for too long.

Abed made his way back to the cart and placed the purple basket with the six others. It had not seemed that heavy, but as he put it down, the cart was overwhelmed. It began to tip backwards slowly, and the front rose up, lifting with it his donkey straight into the air!

Abed sensed that this was a sign that his journey was close to an end. He removed the purple basket from the cart and his donkey returned to the ground. He gathered the baskets one by one, and set them on the ground. He decided to stack them in color order, starting with the red basket. His little rainbow tower of baskets stood before him, but nothing happened.

Then it occurred to him that he had never opened the final basket. Inside he found a small crown, clear as though made of glass. It seemed to pick up the light of the sun and begin to glow. He placed it on his head and imagined that the warmth of the sun had entered through the top of his head and started to spread throughout his body. The world began to sparkle and shimmer with patterns and vibrating fractals. The basket tower pulsed and glowed and changed shaped, becoming taller and flatter and full of holes.

It grew and transformed into a ladder that rose up into the sky and towards the solitary cloud he had seen in the sky on the first day of his journey. He began to climb. The earth shrank below as he made his way up, rung by rung. A small part of him worried about his donkey, but another part of him whispered that the problem would take care of
itself and his animal friend would be fine.

It started to become breezy and the air was sharp, but he still felt warm and comfortable on the inside and was not bothered by the sensation. It began to haze and he realized he had reached the cloud. He climbed up through it, and emerged on the other side on a dense white stretch of solid dream stuff, at the top of the ladder, standing before a modest mansion. The front door opened and he was approached by a familiar face.

“Gan!” exclaimed Abed. “It was you all along!”

Gan smiled and gave him a hug. “Indeed my friend. You see, I come from the old world. We long ago discovered that the universe is at its most basic level made of the same substance that forms the cradle of human imagination. We learned to harness this power, and grew beyond the mundane world. Not all were able to make the transition to this new world, and many were left behind. But from time to time, we sense that someone is ready to join us.”

“Why did you not simply bring me here?” Asked Abed.

“You were not completely ready yet, we sensed only the potential. The journey I helped guide you through was both a test of your readiness, and also a series of exercises or challenges that would prepare you for the reality of existing in our world.”

Abed finally understood and nodded. He searched his feelings and confirmed that the sense of longing was finally extinguished and he had arrived at his true home. He took Gan’s hand and was led into the mansion.[/spoiler]

jackdavinci

Stephan was devastated.

His beloved grandfather, Martin von Kreuzberg, had died.

Martin was more than just his grandfather. Stephan’s parents had died in the Swiss Air crash off the coast of Nova Scotia and his grandfather had raised Stephan and mentored him from that day on.

Martin von Kreuzberg was one of the richest men in the world – usually ranked somewhere between 16th and 23rd on Forbes’ list. Stephan’s grandmother, Martin’s beloved wife Maria, had died of cancer in 1987 and thus Stephan was the sole heir to his grandfather’s fortune. But that was little comfort to Stephan – all the money in the world wasn’t going to make up for the loss.

Stephan had called his grandfather “Opa” – the German word for “Gramps” – ever since he was a small child and his father had jokingly taught him to say the word to tease Martin. The name stuck, and Martin always smiled whenever Stephan would call him Opa.

[spoiler]Opa had made his fortune younger than most – he was in his late teens when he made his first million, but quickly invested wisely and that million turned into 100 million, which turned into a billion, that eventually turned into billions of dollars. Opa simply seemed to have a gift for finding the right investment at the right time, and knew when to buy and when to sell. The family had homes in Malibu, Manhattan, Monte Carlo and a chateau in St. Moritz, Switzerland – where his parents were flying when the accident happened. However, it was at the family estate in the Hamptons where Opa had died – a sprawling 48 room mansion on 23 acres that made other homes in the area look like shanties.

Opa had a taste for the finer things in life – gourmet food, expensive wine, fine Cuban cigars, priceless artwork and grand opulence in every residence the family owned. He wasn’t ashamed of being wealthy – but you would never know he was one of the richest men in the world if you met him away from his homes. Opa was very down to earth and could charm a minimum wage salesgirl at Bloomingdales as well as get an entire boardroom full of wary, rich investors to agree to everything he would suggest.

Opa was also loved by all of his employees. He treated them fairly and was generous with bonuses. Most of his employees had worked with him for decades. But Opa was by no means a saint – one aspect that Stephan never agreed with was Opa’s strong political conservatism. He made any of the current crop of conservative Republicans look like liberal Democrat in comparison. Opa knew that Stephan was, to say the least, more moderate – but they agreed to disagree and simply refrained from any political discourse.

One of Opa’s favorite photos, hung prominently in his office, was a photo he himself had taken while visiting Cuba in his youth. It was of a donkey pulling a cart that was so over-loaded, it literally lifted the donkey into the air. He showed this photo to anyone who ever came into his office. “Always remember – don’t rely on others to do all the dirty work, or they will hang your ass out to dry!” and he would laugh loudly.

Actually, it was during Opa’s youthful adventure in Cuba, back when Americans freely traveled and vacationed there, that he had met his future wife, Mari a – she was smitten by Martin’s rugged good looks – blonde, blue eyed and tall – and he was captivated by her Latin charm, and exotic beauty. Stephan inherited the best of that gene pool and was tall and athletic, with jet black hair and deep blue eyes.

Martin and Maria married shortly after they had met and fallen in love, and he swept her off to NYC and a new life, far from her home in Cuba. However, Maria quickly adapted to her new life in America and everyone who knew her was certain she was the driving force in Martin’s success and happiness.

It was Opa’s idea that Stephan should also have the opportunity to meet and fall in love with a women who was not out to get the family fortune. Opa had been very protective of Stephan and there had never been a published photo of him anywhere. When Opa suggested Stephan learn the family business from the ground up, he also suggested that it would be wise for Stephan to work under an assumed name.

To that end, Stephan was working as an accountant at the headquarters in Manhattan – but everyone knew him as Steve Kroy. They did not know he was Stephan von Kreuzberg, graduate of Harvard with an MBA, grandson of the founder and owner of the corporation, and sole heir to the family fortune. Steve even had a small studio apartment in lower Manhattan and, other than occasional visits to Opa, “Steve” lived a simple life. One employee of the company, Gabriella Garcia, was a first year attorney working for the company, and Steve and Gabriella had become close over the past year. She had been reluctant at first to even go out with him, but eventually he charmed his way into her life. Stephan hated secrets and was just about to let her know he was Stephan von Kreuzberg when he got the news of Opa’s death.


The reading of the will was just between Stephan and the family attorney, Klaus Eberhard. He told Stephan that, as expected, he was designated as sole heir in the will. There were also a few charitable foundations set up by his grandfather that were bequeathed with continued funding after his death. Klaus went over some of the specifics – the homes, the cash, the investments – most of it Stephan was fully aware of – and Klaus told him the accountants would prepare a more detailed report that would arrive in the next weeks. He also handed Stephan an envelope and said, “Your grandfather specifically requested I give this to you in person, upon his passing.” Klaus quietly left the room.

The envelope was sealed with wax – Opa had his eccentricities.

Stephan opened the letter and read it. As he did, he felt the hairs on his body stand on end and the blood drain from his face. By the end of the letter, Stephan’s hands were shaking and he could not move. There were secrets – very deep, profound and life altering secrets.

“My dearest Stephan,

You have been by far the best investment I have ever made. I have truly cherished the opportunity to raise you and get to know you as you grew up from a boy to the intelligent, compassionate man you have become today. I have every faith in the world that you will take over the family business, prosper and do well in your personal and professional life.

However, I do feel it necessary to let you know a few things that I have done – and although I am not proud of many of my activities and deeds, it is important that you, and only you, know all of the facts.

When I went to Cuba and met and married your grandmother, it was the happiest time of my life. She was not, however, the simple country girl we had led others to believe. She came from a very prominent family – and one of her step brothers is Fidel Castro. It was a family secret of mistresses and politics that your dear grandmother wished never to speak of.

That said, she had very strong ties with her family and kept in touch, even during the dark years of travel and business embargo. We found ways to help support her family in whatever ways we could, but it was getting more and more difficult to do so.

I wanted you to know this to understand why I later did what I did, and why I have never spoken about this with anyone alive today. I never even had the opportunity to tell your father.

I financed and organized the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

We knew of the hardships people were going through in Cuba, we knew of the potential danger in starting a world war, and I knew personally of the sinister, back-door, business dealings of Joe Kennedy’s family and his plans to profit from this Cuban confrontation. We knew there was no choice but to end this escalating conflict.

I was in contact with people in Cuba and we discussed every option. It was decided to end this as fast and with the fewest casualties as possible. I agree that the murder of even one person cannot be condoned, but compared to the more heinous deaths of hundreds, or thousands, or hundreds of thousands, it is sometimes the only option.

I hired two assassins – and yes, one was Lee Harvey Oswald. However, the other was Daniel Carter – an ex-military sharp shooter who also had family ties in both Russia and Cuba. Daniel died a natural death in Palm Springs in 1999 and used the money I paid him over the years to support his family. I would only ask that you allow the money I have set aside in my foundations to continue to be used to indirectly support his extended family, as I had promised to do.

I cannot expect you to condone or even understand what I did, and if it is any consolation, I regret having to do what I did. I do, however, think it was for the greater good.

I am truly sorry to have to tell you this in a letter and can only hope you forgive me my transgressions and will remember me as a generous, philanthropic, loving grandfather.

With all my love, you are truly my proudest achievement and the best legacy a man could hope to have.

Opa”

Stephan sat in silence. His mind was racing. In one fell swoop he had discovered he was directly related to Fidel Castro, and that his grandfather was the mastermind behind the most infamous assassination in recent history.

How does one process this? What should he do? What can he do? The Warren Report had determined Oswald was acting on his own with no financial or political backing by any third party. Most of the Kennedy family directed involved had died. Would this information bring any comfort to anyone alive today? Other than ruining the family reputation, would informing the FBI or the White House achieve any purpose? For that matter, would anyone believe this last minute confession from a somewhat eccentric billionaire?


Stephan met Gabriella for dinner at their favorite little Chinese restaurant in Lower Manhattan. Stephan had simply told her that his grandfather had died.

“I am so sorry,” she said with genuine sympathy, “was he a good man?”

Stephan didn’t answer at first, but then said, “He had his secrets.”

Gabrielle nodded, “Well, people usually have good reasons for keeping secrets.”

Stephan thought that over and said, “I want to take you for a drive to my grandfather’s house tomorrow, but first it is time I shared a secret with you.”


Stephan and Gabriella were married the following year. They were happy and raised three beautiful children.

Gabrielle never told Stephan she had known who he really was after the first week she met him. Stephan never told Gabrielle about Opa’s letter.

After all, some secrets are meant to be kept and taken to the grave.

For instance, Opa never let anyone know that plane crash that had killed Stephan’s parents was no accident; not every American was surprised on 9/11; and the recent crash on Wall Street was good for business if you knew in advance. Stephan would figure it out someday when going through the books – that is why he admitted to complicity in the JFK assassination – the boy had to remember, “Don’t rely on others to do all the dirty work, or they will hang your ass out to dry.”[/spoiler]

DMark

So I am sitting in the D-FAC having lunch with some of the guys when Henderson comes back from patrol looking like he is about to bust a gut.

He hasn’t even bothered to take off his battle rattle when he comes up to the table and practically shouts "You’ll never guess what I saw a Haji do in town today!”

“There is nothing that could shock me” says Miller.

“I bet you ain’t seen nothing like this though” replies Henderson.

[spoiler]“We are walking down the street, by the intersection two blocks down from the market, and we see this Haji loading up a donkey cart with these boxes. I have no idea what is in them but you can tell from the way he is loading them on that they as heavy as a mother. I tell Sully who’s walking next to me, ‘There is no way that scrawny ass donkey, is going to pull that heavy wagon’ I mean that donkey would have needed steroids to budge that cart. But of course the Haji just keeps loading the boxes like he is filling up an 18 wheeler. Finally he puts one too many of these heavy boxes on and the donkey just gets lifted into the air like he was on a see saw and a fat kid just sat on the other side. Me and Sully are just shaking with laughter. Of course, the Haji just starts screaming at the donkey like it was the donkey’s idea to take flight. The boxes start to slide off the cart and the donkey just slams down to the street again. He is braying at the top of his lungs and just has the most confused looks on his face. If I had a camera and put that on you tube it would have gotten a billion hits.”

“That is great,” says Anderson, “Why can’t that stuff ever happen when I am on patrol?”

“That frigging idiot, that is the problem with this country in a nutshell,” opines Miller, “Nobody has any common sense, I tell you the moment we leave this place is going right back down the crapper.”

Zamperini, says “Yeah, the only ones who aren’t dumbs as doorknobs are the evil ones trying to kill everyone”

“What we should do is tell the evil ones to stop trying to kill us and we will take you with us when we leave.” Johnson says, pleased with himself. “I bet those bastards would jump at the chance to live in a civilized country for once.”

Richards suddenly comes to life and says forcefully, “ No way, these people have it too good here, there is no way they would leave.”

“What the hell are you talking about, living in a mud hut and crapping outdoors?” replies Johnson.

Richards smiles and says” When you are out on patrol next time, start looking, really looking at these people. Do they look unhappy to you? I notice things the rest of you knuckleheads don’t. I tell you these people are happier than most of people back in the states.”

Zamperini, pipes in “Are you nuts, I wouldn’t trade lives with any of those Hajis for a million dollars, cash”

“I bet they would say the same thing about you”, Richards says. “It is easy to see all the finer things they don’t have, but here is the thing you don’t see. When that numbnuts with the donkey arrives back at his hut, he walks in like a friggin king. His wife has his meal ready when he wants it. He don’t get any complaints from his old lady, he gets friggin respect.”

“Oh come on,” says Johnson “ You’re talking nonsense”

“Listen, when that guy walks into his little house, he has more swagger than Jay-Z walking into his mansion. When a guy back home walks into his house, he gots to take his shoes off at the door so he don’t mess up the carpet, he has to listen to his wife complain for a half hour before he can even sit down, and God help him if he acts bored during the litany. You guys who have never been married don’t know. When I was married I had to listen to the same stories about how horrible her co-workers were over and over again. I would rather be waterboarded than listen to my ex talk about her day again. You think that Haji ever had to listen to his wife complain for an hour before dinner. Hell, no.”

“Richards man, you couldn’t please your women, so you act like it is the fault of American women as a group” says Johnson. He loves to poke Richards when he starts going off.

“Please a women?, that shows just how little you know. Remember, I am the veteran here and you are the newbie. I was married for five years and you probably have never had a girlfriend more than six months. You believe me, outside of the bedroom there is no way to please a woman. Why I bet you Angelina Jolie is calling up her mother everyday complaining about being married to a rich, movie star any woman in the world would give her left nut to sleep with once. I bet she is on the phone like ‘Mom, if I see his socks on the damn bathroom floor one more time, I am just gonna lose it!’

And I bet Brad Pitt is like ‘Oh my God, maybe if we adopt another kids it will get her off my back about the freaking socks”

There just ain’t no such thing as pleasing a women, its like Bigfoot, entirely mythical.”

“With logic like that, it is shocking your wife lasted five years before kicking your butt out.” says Johnson.

“It was the worst day of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me. I am telling you when you guys get back home and see those little chickies in person and not just on Skype you whipped bastards will start envying these Hajis the life they lead. They do what they want when they want to do it and if the wifes unhappy about it that is her fault”

“When the wars over, Richards is gonna come back here with a big box of chocolates and some flowers and get his next ex wife here” says Johnson, almost giggling.

“You’re gonna need an awful lot of flower and chocolate to get a girl here with that ugly mug of yours.” laughs Zamperini.

“Talking to you guys is throwing pearls before swine.” Richards says with a half smile shaking his head.

Just then Henderson see a couple guys heading in for lunch, and yells “Manfriedi, Jonesy, you will never guess what I just saw a Haji do, you will not believe it."
[/spoiler]

puddleglum

And now, the poll is established. Please, read and savour these remarkable stories, and vote for those that strike you.

I’d also like to throw the floor open to comments from readers and writers both. It was an interesting contest this time around because that picture was just so darn specific!!

Bonne lecture, tout le monde! May all of you enjoy reading these!

Thanks again, Le Ministre de l’au-delà, for running this comp.

I’m working my through the stories and I’ll vote and comment in the next few days.

Did I miss something? The OP says the voting doesn’t open until the 27th, and I don’t want to vote before reading all submissions.

That was a typo - I believe he meant Monday, January 7th, as that was the official last day you could submit a story. So please feel free to now vote and/or make comments on the stories!

I have read a few but haven’t had time to read them all (busy week at work). So far, this is one of the more interesting group of stories, due to the rather specific photo involved. For those who have not yet looked at the photo - please do so! You can see the challenge of incorporating that image into a story!

Thanks, DMark!

Gah!! I didn’t notice that typo until just this moment! Yes, the poll is open as of yesterday just-before-midnight!