This jumps around a lot and frankly, there’s still a lot left out, so…
TL;DR - My roommate is in an unhealthy, abusive (emotionally and physically) relationship that he doesn’t want to leave because he’s afraid of being alone.
Ok, first off, I love my roommate (as a friend, of course). He’s a good guy, but there is one area of his life that is mind-blowingly frustrating.
The backstory: I’ve lived in my apartment for 7 years. Used to live there with my ex, and then when we broke up, I kept the place and eventually a friend (herein referred to as “Former”) moved in. We lived together for a year and when he wasn’t sure if he was going to have to move to another state for work, the situation worked out to where one of the people in his social circle (which became my group of friends as well, over the course of our cohabitation) was looking to move and things worked out to where he ended up taking the place of the friend for the new lease term. Former ended up being able to stay in town (which isn’t completely important, but might be worth mention, depending on how in-depth I get in this rant).
So, while former roommate was living with me, I interacted mainly with his social circle, and I got to know the person who would be my current roommate (herein known as “Current”). Our group probably hung out 3+ times a week (mainly weekends), and over the course of time, I learned some things about Current - when he was growing up, he had some substance abuse problems - pot, and some “harder” stuff - but these were things that he had put behind him and honestly never seemed to be an issue in his day-to-day behavior. If there was / is one issue, I would say that it would be alcohol. He’s had some wild nights (more often than not), but with this social circle, while he skews to the “far” end of the Bell Curve, it’s not completely unheard of. This is a group that kinda lives for the weekend. He’s been the source of his fair share of stories.
Also, while Former and I lived together, I learned that Current had a crush on me. For a variety of reasons not worth getting into in this rant, I downplayed it, because he was (and is) a good friend and it’s just not worth mucking up the situation. We are very close, but there’re no romantic ties there at all. I’d take a bullet for the guy, but I wouldn’t take (or give) other things. 
So, while Former and I are living together, Current meets this guy (out at the annual Pride parade, so Current is pretty much “fall-down” drunk - literally). So, despite the fact that Current made an ass of his self, the guy wants to see him again, and so begins the tale. (Sorry, I’m wordy.)
Over the course of the first month or so, things seem to be going well, if not unusually fast. Current is one of those guys who goes all-in for a relationship from the get-go, at the expense of his friendships, familial relationships, etc. I mainly saw Current on weekends and at that point, we weren’t that close, so while I noticed his absence, it wasn’t a huge “elephant in (or gone from, as the case may be) the room” situation. That being said, his best friends were growing increasingly frustrated / hurt / angry that he would continually blow them off, or if he would socialize with them, it would either be with the boyfriend in tow, or the schedule would be slave to when he would leave to see the boyfriend. Basically, he became “That Guy.”
Enter month 2. Now, Current and the boyfriend are going out to bars and whatnot, as they’ve progressed beyond the “romantic one-on-one dates all the time” phase. Now, like I said, this group likes to go out. To summarize the next few months, they would go out, they would drink, they would get in a fight. Not a “passive-aggressive, make a subtle jabbing comment” fight, but “yelling in the bar, shoving each other, one of them storming off” and the rest of us having to deal with the aftermath for the night type of thing. Hours (or sometimes a day or two) of listening to Current cry about how much he loves boyfriend later, and they would get back together. No lesson learned, no changes made. Lather, rinse, repeat for months.
While this was going on, the friends would talk amongst ourselves, and to Current, telling him that this behavior wasn’t healthy, that this might be a sign that they shouldn’t be together, that it was destructive, etc. Current acknowledges all these things, but also that he loves boyfriend so much, that when things are good, they are really good, etc. He doesn’t deny anything and owns up to his share of the fights that were his fault, but also attributing (and rightfully so) faults to the boyfriend.
Another side-note, boyfriend comes from a deeply religious background and didn’t come out until a year or two ago, when he was in his mid to late 20s. Current is pretty much an atheist but, in order to make things work, goes to church / religious gatherings with the boyfriend and makes more than his fair share of concessions to make things work. Current knows this isn’t right / healthy, but does it regardless, because (once again), he loves boyfriend so much.
The fact that Current both knows what he’s doing isn’t healthy / good for him, but continually participates in the behavior starts to alienate his friends. People know he’ll either flake-out on events or end up bringing boyfriend, where it is likely that they will have a fight and cause a scene. Some friends start to place a condition on him that, when they talk, he can’t bring up the latest fight with the boyfriend or things like that in general, because they’ve led his metaphorical horse to water, and there’s nothing left to be said on that front. Basically, he’s sacrificing the majority of his friendships at the expense of his unhealthy relationship. His mother is well-aware of the situation and agrees with the rest of the friends.
Finally, about a year ago, things reach a breaking point and they break up “for good.” Current is inconsolable - a weeping mess, drinking in the morning (he works retail) so he has days off on the weekdays, not wanting to interact with people, etc. (Keep in mind, they knew each other for less than 6 months at this point)
Well, time starts to heal the wounds, and as he is getting back to his old self (who is pretty incredible, btw, lest it seem like I don’t have a high opinion of the guy in general), he ends up moving in with me. I’m excited about this, because his living habits seem to compliment mine and we would co-exist with each other very well.
A month later, and just as he is starting to expunge boyfriend from his daily thoughts, they run into each other again. I know this is already Michener-esque, with respect to length, so I’ll just say that the cycle starts again. Most of the time, he is over at the boyfriend’s apartment so they can have privacy, but that sparks fights because apparently boyfriend’s first “ex” moved into his building to be near the boyfriend and Current (obviously) has a problem with that. Basically, boyfriend doesn’t see why Current feels uncomfortable with that situation (and the fact that boyfriend and ex are still friends) because ex has made it publicly known that ex wants boyfriend back. Since boyfriend doesn’t feel the same way, and only wants to be friends with ex, he doesn’t know why Current has such a problem with the matter. There’s a fight involving this situation at least once a week.
So, knowing how this goes and that nothing can really be said to affect things, I just go by the mantra “live and let live.” Every now and then, Current would make plans for the two of us to hang out, but boyfriend has a problem with me because he knows that Current used to have feelings for me. (For example, Current and I were going to watch the premiere of some show, but he ended up watching it with the boyfriend. When I had it cued up on the DVR when they were both around, and I asked Current when he wanted to see it, he told me that he and the boyfriend had already watched it and that I didn’t need to wait on him - in a very nice tone - just informing me) I replied saying “Awww, ok, I thought that was gonna be our thing.” Not melodramatic or over-the-top, but just that I’d thought we were going to watch it together. I later found out that I had ruined the rest of their night because when the two were alone, boyfriend started going off on Current about the fact that he would schedule a “tradition” or “weekly ‘thing’” with me. With Former, we had “Roommate Date Night” weekly where we’d just watch some shows that we’d DVR (sitting on different pieces of furniture, mind you - there was nothing romantic or whatnot about it at all - we just called it “Date Night” because it was a day that we had reserved to hang out together, talk, and just relax).
So, I reached out to boyfriend and when Current was working, I invited him to a few things just to try and be friendly because a) most of Current’s other friends didn’t like him - due both to his behavior, but also how Current acts when boyfriend is in Current’s life; and b) because I knew that we’d be seeing a lot of each other and I didn’t want boyfriend to ever feel like I was a threat or that he couldn’t be at ease around me. I feel like I’ve smoothed things over somewhat, but Current tells me that boyfriend is still somewhat possessive around me. Eh, as long as it doesn’t cause problems between the two of them, I’m fine.
Meanwhile, they are still having fights - coming home drunk, slamming doors and (more than once) Current kicks him out of the apartment for the night, only to have the guy return the next day to “pick up his things” which inevitably results in the two of them getting back together. Throughout all of this, Current knows that they aren’t healthy together, but also doesn’t want to be alone, because he says it makes him sad and (altogether now) that he loves boyfriend. The whole song-and-dance is wearing thin on me, and where I initially scolded the mutual friends for “abandoning” him in his time of need, I find myself becoming more-and-more sympathetic. You can only try and help someone so much before growing frustrated that the person is not trying to help his self. I make a point never to badmouth boyfriend as a person, but steer Current in the direction that perhaps, at this point in their lives, they just aren’t compatible. Current comes back at me with “if we break up now, then this will be it forever” (something that would be okay with friends, his family and me, given how, more often than not, he’s crying, sad, etc., even when they are together).
So, earlier this year, I was laid-off. It was a horrible job and I received a bait-and-switch on an epic scale in terms of pay, duties, work conditions, etc., so it was a blessing in disguise. I came home a little shaken, but not really upset, per se. While it wasn’t a “good thing”, I wasn’t necessarily upset. Current comes home, and I tell him about the situation. Now, I’m not necessarily sure what the protocol is on something like this, but it struck me as a little odd that while I’m telling Current about what happened, he is in the process of packing a bag because he was going to spend the night at boyfriend’s. I’m not saying he should’ve dropped everything or whatnot, but it just seemed weird, since it wasn’t like they were going off to do anything special or that they had reservations.
I’d had a family event that I’d planned on attending, out-of-state, a week later, so I figured since I hadn’t seen my family in a while, I would go early. When I saw roommate the next day, I told him my plans. Well, the “quick trip” ended up being a few months, where I was staying with family and seeing friends back home since it was a way to save money and frankly, being around people beat dealing with their fights / ups-and-downs / etc. I would check in periodically and pay rent on-line, and take care of all financial matters that needed attending.
Within two weeks of being gone, I received word from one of the mutual friends that Current and boyfriend got a puppy, and that they’d planned on having the dog live in both apartments. The furniture in our common areas is mine, and I also have allergies, so this struck me as somewhat of a shock. When I called Current to ask him about this, he said that I’d agreed to this, weeks before, when I didn’t outright object when he said “I’ve been thinking that I might like to have a dog.” He didn’t mention breed or any other logistics. The fact that I didn’t shoot down his abstract thought right then and there was my consent to his decision. The friends and I all recognized this as an attempt for them to find something they could share / bring them closer together, and I was really upset, telling him how I found it to be inconsiderate, selfish and inconsiderate of the dog (especially since the breed of dog they got was too big for an apartment) etc. We never discussed it again, but I later found out that they returned the dog (for whatever reason) to the person who sold it to them.
A month or so after being gone, I got an email from my apartment complex, letting me know that the maintenance request to fix the bedroom door was received and that it would be taken care of within a day. Knowing how they get physical, I had an idea as to what happened, but when I emailed him, he played it off. Meanwhile, I’m hearing from friends that they are just as volatile as ever.
So, weeks later, I finally return back to the apartment and I learn that they’d had a fist fight in the apartment, given each other black eyes (a week later, they took a vacation to Las Vegas and had to wear concealer for all the photos), and damaged parts of the apartment. Even while they are “okay”, Current is telling me that he needs to break-up with boyfriend, but doesn’t want to be alone, that he loves him, etc. I continually try to play “good cop” appealing to his sense of reason, self-preservation, etc., that he isn’t happy when they are together and that the guy attacked him. He goes into “battered spouse” deflecting any argument about why they should break-up, while simultaneously saying that he knows that they should.
This finally causes something in me to snap, and I switch to “bad cop”, saying that if he wants to continue this cycle, to go on ahead. I talk about how he got beat-up by the guy, how he’s not happy with him, how he’s always crying or sad, how he’s pushing his family and friends away and how nobody (including Current) thinks they are good together. It was harsh, but trying to be sympathetic hadn’t worked for the better part of a year, and nothing was changing, so I was hoping tough love might give him a change of perspective.
This goes on for two weeks, between more fights / blow-ups between the two, until finally they break-up “for good” again. Roommate becomes catatonic. Drinks in the morning (again), calls in sick to work, sleeps all the time, etc. He bailed on going Christmas shopping with his mom until I finally called her (we’ve talked in the past) and we ended up getting him to leave the apartment. After he called in sick to work for a third day in a row, he was told he’d need to have a doctor’s note, and I took him to the doctor, where he received Zoloft (or something like that). I leave to see family for the holiday, and tell him to check in with me later on in the day. He does, and he seems to be better. He’s not “great”, but he’s on his way there.
Fast forward to last night - I check my Twitter feed, and I see that the two of them have checked in to some nice restaurant. He says they are just friends, but I see where this is going. Dammit.
I guess to me, the difference is that I’ve never been driven to tears or anything near the sort because of this situation, whereas he is an emotional wreck at times. Honestly, he really thinks that, if he doesn’t have this guy, he’ll be alone forever.