Go in, stow your stuff, and sit the fuck down!

The BBQ Pit
1

Some time ago someone wrote a very good post on how to fly commercial for first timers. Unfortunately I can’t reference it because either the search function or my computer isn’t cooperating.

However, I wish to emphasize a few of his/her points. A few days ago I had a 13 hour flight from the middle east to Canada on a Boeing 777 filled predominantly with a specific ethnicity from further east. Getting on a fucking airplane isn’t rocket science! You have a boarding pass and it has an alpha-numeric code that matches a seat. The fact that you are accompanied by five to ten family members and three generations is completely irrelevant.

Here’s how it’s done - line up, go in, stow your stuff, and sit the fuck down! It’s not difficult. Sadly, the airplane doesn’t have rows that are ten seats across and it’s not my problem or the problems of the other passengers (who deliberately booked aisle seats in advance for a reason) so don’t waste time (about half an hour btw) badgering them/us, trying to horse-trade for our seats, stumbling around the aisles like zombies trying to figure out the complexities of a glorified chair.

And for the others in the line - if you have an open carton of milk or a half finished coffee when you decide to board, toss the thing! Don’t suddenly stop at the entrance to the jetway to clinch your fucking milk carton in your mouth while you fumble through your purse.

Don’t go jerking coffee all over the place as you stumble down the passageway.

(Stand by for the exaggeration) - you with the backpack almost as big as Buzz Aldrin’s and the roller bag slightly smaller than a steamer trunk, what the fuck are you thinking?

Airlines - in the name of god and all that is holy, please, please limit passengers to one carry on that actually fits with room to spare, and a purse or folded coat/sweater etc. The time wasted by two flight attendants and the passenger with the brainectomy playing rubic’s cube with their and other peoples’ luggage in the overhead compartment is so bloody unnecessary.

And airlines - When it’s time to board, take a tip from the “Soup Nazi” in Seinfeld and eject people who take more than a minute to sort themselves out when they arrive at their seat (assuming they recognize when that’s happened).

And one more for the passengers - the flight attendants aren’t making it up as they go along. No matter how many times you fly, your seat back has to be upright, the tray has to be stowed, and your seatbelt buckled for take-off and landing. This hasn’t changed since the first time I flew in the early 1970s - they announce it but still he/she has to cruise the aisle to remind a number of people to do this. What’s your bloody problem?

If this is too complicated for you, please, please never fly commercial again. Thank you

2

I’m simply convinced that everyone’s IQ drops about 20 points upon entering an airport. So, if you’ve got IQ to spare, you’re fine. Otherwise, you turn into a confused, drooling ape. Another example is the security scanner checkpoint. 90% of people seem to wait until the last possible second to sort their stuff, instead of taking care of it in line. By the time I’m at the front, all my pockets are emptied (contents usually placed in the front pocket of a backpack), if I’m wearing a belt, that’s off. Computer is out of the bag, etc. All I need to do when I get to the front is put the appropriate items into the bins.

3

pulykamell, right on! I’ve been using a ziploc bag for that purpose and I “sanitize” myself before I even get in the security line. And you’re absolutely right about the IQ. It just boggles the mind.

4

Hey, as long as they don’t build cooking fires in the aisle, you’re pretty much just inconvenienced by them.

To avoid these problems, fly Emiratesfirst class, it’s only $40,000 a ticket(or so I read somewhere), but you get what amounts to a private little sitting/sleeping area totally separate from the mass of humanity in steerage. Plus, you get a private lounge to wait in, and priority boarding.

5

I fly ALL THE TIME. While I agree heartily, velomont, I have found that once I’ve settled into my seat, it really help me keep my blood pressure in check to:

[ul]
[li]Don’t watch other people boarding - it’ll drive you crazy.[/li][li]Keep repeating the mantra, “I’m in my seat, my bag is stowed, what all the other people do REALLY DOESN’T IMPACT ME.”[/li][/ul]

6

I wish Morgenstern:). This flight was Etihad Airways economy class. For economy class I couldn’t complain about the airline itself. The meals were good, the staff was good, and I had a number of refills of red vino. But the passengers? Awful.

7

I do even better than that. I spent better than $100, plus a three-hour drive and assorted tolls down to Newark (and then the drive back, obviously) plus already having a passport in order to enroll in Global Entry. But it means I get enrollment in Pre-Check and don’t have to partially disrobe and take my things out like the hoi polloi. Plus a dedicated security line. It might not be the best money I ever spent, but I’m not complaining about the cost.

8

Oh I hear you, except that the jabba the hut woman in the sari next to me was the great grand-matron of the folks across the aisle so her great-gazillionth generation adult grandson was shuttling back and forth from his seat to hers for the next half hour before we took off. The same scene was being repeated numerous times all over the airplane.

9

About the only thing that really gets me when I’m boarding a plane is when some knucklehead decides that they can’t actually pick their rolling carry-on up and carry it down the aisle in the plane, but rather decides to try and roll it down the aisle, which happens to be a little less than 1/2" wider than said bag.

So knucklehead keeps bumping and catching their bag on the seats and armrests, and stopping, disengaging it, only to go 2-3 rows and doing it all again.

Protip: Pick the damn thing up when you get on the plane. If it’s too heavy for you to carry like that, don’t pack so much shit next time.

10

[QUOTE=Icarus]
[ul]
[li]Don’t watch other people boarding - it’ll drive you crazy.[/li][li]Keep repeating the mantra, “I’m in my seat, my bag is stowed, what all the other people do REALLY DOESN’T IMPACT ME.”[/li][/ul]
[/QUOTE]

I may be Mr. Zen when I fly as I know that I have zero possible influence on the process. Once I arrive at the airport, I am an inanimate piece of cargo. Please take me to the destination printed on my [del]label[/del] boarding pass.

But the other people who have apparently never been out in public before WILL impact me when they’re so slow at figuring out that seat 23B is *their *middle seat, and that 23A is *my *window seat so they need to get out of it and that their dragaboard suitcase is supposed to go in the bin WHEELS FIRST to leave room for other people’s stuff and we miss our pushback slot and have to wait 25 minutes out on some taxiway for the next chance to actually leave the airport because they’re still roaming up and down the aisle looking for a violin or pinata to crush under their bag.

11

I think you have to realize that everybody has a first flight sometime in their life. Sometimes a lot later in life than you did.

This is the best thing about first class. You get on the plane first, and while others are boarding and sorting out their seats, you’re sipping your drink.

Or, well, okay, maybe this is the second-best thing, the best thing being not having to disrobe and share the contents of your carry-on with everybody near you in line.

12

Airline: Please enforce boarding order. If someone in 12B is trying to board when you’ve called rows 25-40, boot them to the back of the line. They compound the above problems by having the entire back of the plane waiting on the jetway while they get themselves settled, and they rarely organize themselves efficiently.

13

It isn’t just idiots on airplanes.

I was the 8-10th person in line for my bus this morning, which would end up having roughly 25 people on it. One of the people ahead of me walks half way back, then proceeds to stand in the aisle while sorting out his stuff and slowly placing it on two seats, etc. Loud clearing of my throat and dark looks later, he sees that there’s a whole line of people waiting to get past him, and moves out of the aisle.

Nobody else in your universe, is there buddy…

14

To the OP: You can take your racist rant and shove it up any orifice of you choice. I have traveled all over the world multiple times and aircraft boarding bedlam is almost universal - regardless of the country you are in. The cause of heartburn may vary, but its always there.

15

And you call yourself Icarus? :confused:

16

That sounds like a waste of a first-class ticket to me. When you know that there’s a comfy seat with plenty of legroom and luggage space waiting for you, there’s absolutely no incentive to get on the plane early.

If i flew first class on a regular basis, i’d do exactly the opposite. I’d get to the gate as the last group is boarding, and then walk straight onto the plane, stow my (small) carry-on, get into my seat, and watch them close the door behind me.

17

This is me – I get a window seat because unless something way out of the ordinary happens, I am in the seat for the duration and won’t bother anyone.

It backfired when I was traveling to get to my mom before she died. On the second leg sleep-deprived me went directly to my seat, curled up and zoned out. It wasn’t until folks came at the last minute and looked confused that I realized I had taken the same seat number from the first leg. I had looked at the new number and promptly forgot it, opting for the one I had memorized earlier.

:o

18

At least he kept it to one race. Sounds like you’ve got a problem with the entire world.

19

Great rant/user name combo.

I had broken my arm, which was not casted (they couldn’t) and we were flying out on a long planned trip. Of course I have the aisle seat. Those fuckers almost killed me with their “carry-ons”. Towards the end of the boarding, I was basically laying over into the lap of the woman next to me to keep from getting my arm broken again. Luckily, she was a great sport.

And yes to whoever said why the fuck (paraphrasing) can’t people in the security lines not do a little prep work before they hit the scanner? Nope, it’s hit that table, and start disrobing, looking for your 3oz. stuff baggie, asking your flying companion about your necklace (will it set off the scanner), all the while people behind them consider murder.

20

Misanthropy is efficient.

I also hate everybody else on the plane at any given time. Especially families that want to trade seats with other passengers so they can sit together. Here’s an idea – think about that when you book the fucking tickets! I’m not trading with you because unlike you, I went online and chose my seat and paid extra for the extra legroom. So fuck off. And don’t claim your kids as a reason to trade seats. Two kids, two parents. I don’t see a problem here.

Grumpy “why, yes, I ***would ***mind trading seats!” Bunny

ETA: .5 mg Xanax pre-boarding and a glass of wine in GB helps keeps other passengers alive.