Some time ago someone wrote a very good post on how to fly commercial for first timers. Unfortunately I can’t reference it because either the search function or my computer isn’t cooperating.
However, I wish to emphasize a few of his/her points. A few days ago I had a 13 hour flight from the middle east to Canada on a Boeing 777 filled predominantly with a specific ethnicity from further east. Getting on a fucking airplane isn’t rocket science! You have a boarding pass and it has an alpha-numeric code that matches a seat. The fact that you are accompanied by five to ten family members and three generations is completely irrelevant.
Here’s how it’s done - line up, go in, stow your stuff, and sit the fuck down! It’s not difficult. Sadly, the airplane doesn’t have rows that are ten seats across and it’s not my problem or the problems of the other passengers (who deliberately booked aisle seats in advance for a reason) so don’t waste time (about half an hour btw) badgering them/us, trying to horse-trade for our seats, stumbling around the aisles like zombies trying to figure out the complexities of a glorified chair.
And for the others in the line - if you have an open carton of milk or a half finished coffee when you decide to board, toss the thing! Don’t suddenly stop at the entrance to the jetway to clinch your fucking milk carton in your mouth while you fumble through your purse.
Don’t go jerking coffee all over the place as you stumble down the passageway.
(Stand by for the exaggeration) - you with the backpack almost as big as Buzz Aldrin’s and the roller bag slightly smaller than a steamer trunk, what the fuck are you thinking?
Airlines - in the name of god and all that is holy, please, please limit passengers to one carry on that actually fits with room to spare, and a purse or folded coat/sweater etc. The time wasted by two flight attendants and the passenger with the brainectomy playing rubic’s cube with their and other peoples’ luggage in the overhead compartment is so bloody unnecessary.
And airlines - When it’s time to board, take a tip from the “Soup Nazi” in Seinfeld and eject people who take more than a minute to sort themselves out when they arrive at their seat (assuming they recognize when that’s happened).
And one more for the passengers - the flight attendants aren’t making it up as they go along. No matter how many times you fly, your seat back has to be upright, the tray has to be stowed, and your seatbelt buckled for take-off and landing. This hasn’t changed since the first time I flew in the early 1970s - they announce it but still he/she has to cruise the aisle to remind a number of people to do this. What’s your bloody problem?
If this is too complicated for you, please, please never fly commercial again. Thank you