How To Call In To A Radio Sports Show

[tiny ham]

God bless talk radio. I mean it. GOD BLESS IT, people. It never fails to be entertaining, if only for the stupidity of the people calling in and the vehemence of the host. Although it struck me this morning as I listened to AM1000 that there obviously must be some handbook out there...something telling these people how to act and sound EXACTLY alike.

1. Always wait ten or fifteen seconds before answering when the host says you're on the air. For added fun, keep your radio get turned up and listen to the delay. This keeps everyone listening right on their toes.

2. Always give yourself some sort of psuedo-medieval name that the host can recognize you by when you call in EVERY SINGLE WEEK trying to land your own sports analysis gig: "Hey, rich, this is LightningPete from Naperville!" "Hey lightning Pete!"

3. Always refer to players as if they are stock in a gigantic sports grocery store, sealed in plastic, ready for anyone's use and in infinite supply. "What would you do with an Robert Smith?" "Who benefits most from the Randy Mosses, the Brian Urlachers, the Jaromir Jagrs. Remember this handy phrase: Players Perpetually Plural.

4. And most important, remember this. YOU would always make a better coach/player/owner than anyone else that actually has the position. Never mind that you have the benefit of hindsight in choosing pitchers, never mind that you're just sitting on your fat ass on the couch having never run 10 yards much less 40...YOU WOULD DO A BETTER JOB.

I'm sure there are more...but these seem to be the big four rules.

jarbaby

[Waverly]

Even if your team of choice would need a miracle to move up to second-to-last place, you need to arrogantly predict them the winner in any upcoming contest, including the pending championship from which they are just milliseconds away from being mathematically eliminated. React to any dissenters as if they had just slept with your underage sister, spouting racist remarks and obscenities until you are potted down and hung up on.