Network sports announcers need to shut. the fuck. up.

Why can’t the networks just run the game without these shit-chucking chimps in the booth? All the fuck I need to hear is the crowd and the referees and other collective stadium noise. I don’t need to hear fucking ESPN’s Mike Patrick coming down off his medication in the middle of a close overtime game and start asking stupid-fuck questions like, “I have an important question. What is Britney doing with her life?”

Seriously, can we put a moratorium on these assholes and their ability to speak at all? Last night I’m watching Georgia’s defensive ends show Hawaii’s star quarterback some serious face to face time and all I hear is how classless Mark Richt is for putting in his 2nd and 3rd stringers late in the game when it was clear that Hawaii was going to be lucky to even see the end zone all night.

What the fuck was he supposed to do, you human catastrophuck, have the offense take a knee in the last ten minutes of play? How about announcing a nice game of shut the fuck up, you sack of Barnaby Jones farts! Will someone please hold this fucker down and scrape his frontal lobes with something scrapey so I can enjoy the fucking game and not cringe like someone is pouring Pop Rocks down my piss hole every time this stupid fuck nugget opens his cock socket to speak?!

Look, I know you assholes wanted another Cinderella story ending, but that shit just wasn’t going to happen. Unless you were able to slip about a metric ton of muscle relaxers into the Gatorade, you pretty much had to know that this game was going to be about as out-of-balance as Jessica Simpson with an inner ear infection on six bottles of Nyquil, but why piss on Georgia? You know, the team on the field that actually produced some numbers worthy of a major bowl game?

No, they didn’t deserve to be in the National Championship game, but I bet a plug nickel that the Georgia team that played last night would have beaten the brakes off of any team in the nation. So shut the fuck up and enjoy the game that your beloved BCS program (likely coded by Booger from Revenge of The Nerds on Thorazine) set up, you drooling, mindless fuck-chimp for FOX!

Well, you could do what I do. Make sure you’re watching in 5.1 and then disconnect the center channel.

Or you could dump American sports and start watching English football on Fox Soccer- I have never in five years of watching heard one comment relating to anything outside of the action on the field, no comments on the halftime entertainment, no guests in the booth, no comments on the players social lives, no telestrator, none of that shit.

Wow – does that work? Might be reason enough to consider buying a new TV. Just using the mute button on them all the time is not very satisfactory.

It can. Most of the time (depending on the network, but still it’s fairly standard) the commentary and similar audio comes out of the center channel, the sound effects and field mikes and the like are coming out of the front speakers, and the stadium mikes (other crowd noise, stadium announcers, and the like) comes out of the rear speakers.

I don’t think it works all that well if you are listening to stereo that’s been mixed to 5.1 however. Pretty sure you need a true 5.1 signal.

Anyway, I get the digital signal from the antenna, pass it into my HDTV, decode the video into HD (only 720) and then pass the audio digitally (by toslink) into the receiver, where the 5.1 signal is properly decoded. I just make sure to mute the TV.

During a strike a couple of years ago, CBC broadcast football games without commentary. Frankly, I found it eerie and didn’t like it at all.

NBC tried it back in 1980. It was a Jets Dolphins game late in the season. Ratings were higher than average - but researchers concluded the increase in viewership was attributed it to gimmickry.

Okay, first off, I’m not a Rainbows fan by any stretch of the imagination, and I take exception to your claim that anyone knew they’d get blown out. This is a tough, focused UH squad that made liars and fools out of their doubters all season. Sure, there were a number of games where they might’ve been humiliated, but it never happened.

Sorry, but 20/20 retrospect is worth zero points.

Anyway, yeah, it’s annoying (not to mention astonishingly ignorant), but I’d cut them a little slack on this, mainly because we’re talking a team buried all the way out in the middle of a big, big ocean and in a largely meaningless rinky-dink conference. The story, for the most part, has been the long, painful struggle to reach mediocirty. There were seemingly ten horrific moments for every great one. The seemingly endless losing streak to BYU. Taking on Notre Dame when it was still a juggernaut and losing an unbelievable heartbreaker by less than a touchdown. Given all this and their first…okay, second bowl game since forever, how can you expect any national sports media to not play the Cinderella angle to the hilt? (Especially since it’s pretty much friggin’ mandatory now since Boise State.)

My advice (and I admit that it’s probably a lot easier for me) is to mute the TV and turn on a radio. See, the thing about radio guys is that they have to describe all the action on the field, leaving much less time for fluff and editorializing and mindless banter. You’ll still get the roars of the crowd and whistles and collisions. I once watched a football game in a store like this, and it was an interesting experience, to say the least.

Mixing pop rocks and genitals sounds like it could be pretty fun. Thanks for the idea. Good rant, too.

Though I’m often watching without sound anyway, because I’m probably doing something else as well, I find the radio announcers, at least in my home market, to be exponentially better. Speaking specifically for Redskins Radio, despite the fact that they spend a lot more time talking about the action and less on mindless banter, because they ONLY do ‘Skins games they have a LOT more knowledge about the team and divisional opponents than anyone on television does. Also, unlike the TV announcers who need to stay impartial because they’re doing both teams’ markets and possibly more, they pull for the 'Skins which makes it just a bit more exciting and easier to get involved in. Of course, that’s probably not possible for out-of-market college games, but…

As far as the actual rant, I couldn’t agree more. Of course, IMO, the worst offender of all time is John Madden. I remember one game where he was busy commenting on the movies that were playing in the cinema next door to the stadium, with the camera showing the sign outside; meanwhile, we actually missed a couple plays both visually and audially just so we all knew that some random theater in some random city was playing some movie I don’t care about. Of course, it doesn’t end there, even worse is when they try to act like they’re saying something intelligent about the game and they end up sounding like a complete fool. My favorite from, you guessed it, John Madden: “When they put number 65 in at tight-end, you know it’s going to be either a run or a pass.” …REALLY!? You mean they’re NOT going to do a suprise pooch punt on second down? If only the coach knew that so he wouldn’t have to worry about defending that. :rolleyes:

Really, I like commentators because they can comment on things that TV viewers miss. I like that they gave give us stats, injury updates, and info on what players are being subbed. I like that they can give me information about players on the opposing team that I don’t know a whole lot. I like that they can use their experience to provide analysis and opinions on coaching and referee calls, player decisions, strategy, etc. If only the damned networks would consistently hire people who can provide a lot more of that. They seem to like to hire retired big-name players like Troy Aikman (who is working really hard to be as inept as Madden) rather than people who are both knowledgable about the game AND about broadcasting.


  1. I’d be happy if you could synch up the radio announcers to the TV signal, which for baseball and football are almost always better, or at least less pointlessly chatty. I’ve tried, you can’t.

  2. For national telecasts of baseball games, I’d be great if they used a mix of the local announcers instead of the generally talentless booth teams that Fox, ESPN, and TBS all assemble. Joe Morgan makes me skip games I’d otherwise watch.

  3. I have a funny feeling that this is not to be put at the feet of the announcers, but that they are encouraged by their bosses to joke and digress so it’s not so jarring when they stop and interview Jimmy Kimmel for no reason and miss 8 plays. These are the same geniuses who feel the need to present the Olympics like it’s a Lifetime movie version of “Survivor.”

Just as bad was Oklahoma’s beat-down last night. Same damn song that freakin’ band with pipe in with after every play! Enough already! I had to mute the whole second half. Drove me crazy.

I got a Radio Shark 2 for Bears games that works pretty well. I just cue up the radio on my computer and pause the game on my DVR until it catches up. Not ideal but it works if you like the radio announcers better than the Fox/CBS/ESPN assholes.

I remember that game (not that I remember the teams). I remember walking in when my mom was watching a game – I sat down for a few plays and looked at her and said “Why is it so weird?” and she explained the experiment. It seemed wrong. Too quiet.