There are many parents on the board, most of which had their offspring on purpose. I know there are people who choose to have children, some desire to have children since they were children themselves. My question, why?
I don’t want to have kids at all, ever. However, my husband does. Maybe I’m just missing out on something great. Maybe somewhere along the way someone failed to inform me what was so great about being responsible for another human being for the rest of your natural life. (Because let’s face, the responsiblity really does end when the child turns 18).
Make that doesn’t end when the child turns 18.
life itself is a amazing thing - and to see it happen - to see a child learn and discover the world around him must be incredable. I do not have children yet but plan to. Also I know some people who are way past child bearing/rasing years and ones with children never regretted it (well maybe Bin Laddan’s parents - maybe not) and those who never had children regret it - I know that may NOT be the case for everyone but it’s 100% accurate for everyone I know in that catagory.
Love?
Procreation is one of the strongest biological imperatives there is, right after survival and food, IIRC. Of course YMMV. If this didn’t happen we would be a very unsuccessful species (from a biological POV). For some people just having sex takes care of this biological need, for many others it is still stronger.
But once you get past all of that stuff, it can really be rewarding. It can also be a hassle, but nothing in life is free. One thing I get from my kids, at least at their current stage, is unconditional love. Plus it gives me an excuse to go trick-or-treating, watch kids movies, and play games.
Interesting point, but what makes that love any better than the love of a spouse or friend?
Biological Impulse:
Maybe that’s what’s tripping me up. I seriously do not have any impulse to procreate.
I have to admit that is the one the aspect of having a child that appeals to me. But I think if that’s my only reason for wanting to create life, maybe it would be better for all involved if I didn’t have children at all.
I never wanted kids until I met Turbo Dog. Something about the way he is made me know without question, he’d be an amazing father. The kind of father I wish I’d had. He made me realize I could use my own, pathetic upbringing as an example of what not to do. All I had to do was marry him and convince him we should procreate.
The bonus now is the chance to see the world again through the innocent eyes of my kids, always having someone to play video games with, read kids books with and go see kid’s movies with. And, I am so looking forward to being an embarrassment to my kids when they are teenagers. It just keeps getting better and better. 
One of the best feelings in the entire world for me was each of my kids snuggling on me and sleeping in my arms just after they were born. I don’t know how to explain the love for a child more than that, it just is. I don’t have to love everything my kids do, but I will love them for the rest of my life.
<flame-retardant suit on>
Ego. The idea that you can make your son/daughter into something great, greater than yourself. Thoughts that you can improve the world somehow by your offspring. Good intentions, but a little optimistic, don’t you think?
Have you ever heard anybody say “I wish we didn’t have little Johnny, it’s such a hassle”? No, of course not, that would mean people would have to admit to a mistake. Instead, every parent convinces themselves that having a child was a good thing and worth the effort, but come on, it can’t ALWAYS be worth it!
Oh boy, I can feel the flames coming already, and I haven’t even hit “submit” yet!
Fire away.
pepperlandgirl, so many of us have literally watched you grow up on this board. I am so glad you’re asking this question.
Having children is great–for some people. I myself love being a mom. But it’s hard. Oh man.
It’s also an intensely personal decision. We can debate whether you should or shouldn’t have kids until we’re blue in the face, but the decision ultimately lies with you and your husband.
I myself think you’ll make a good mom–someday. You’re still very young. I’d strongly recommend not even thinking about it for at least another five years. But again, that’s just my opinion, and in the end, it doesn’t mean jack.
Whatever decision you make, I have no doubt, it will be the right one for you. And in the long run, that’s really all that matters.
Its instinct for one , and lots of people want somebody to look after them when they grow old(by looking at the state of old peoples homes i guess they were wrong) , also some people esp in the UK a few years back had babies to secure their futures , since when a teen had a child the father was forced into paying child support (rather than add oh but it was his fault children are a risk of sex and women make the choice to abort or not men have no influence in this matter)
The council would give them a council house / flat and they woudlr receive some money every week and not be pressed into work until the child was about 16 .Policies and laws change however and its no more .
Biological imperative, I suppose. I think it’s hard-wired into the average brain. I’m not a kid person. I don’t enjoy kids that much. As a Family Practitioner I can deal with them well enough, not frighten them unnecessarily, and treat them with respect, but I don’t like kids in specific. I don’t really enjoy spending a lot of time with my friend’s kids, I know that sometimes they’re just part of the package of having their friendship. My own kids can be just as annoying and distracting as many other kids, but I would die for them. I don’t know where these strong feelings come from, they just come.
Don’t get me wrong. I am looking forward to them getting more independent, allowing me to spend more quality time with Mrs. Mercotan alone, but were they to die untimely, my life as I now understand it would be over. I can’t imagine going on without wondering how they are, when I’ll get to see them again, or what they’re up to. If they died, I suppose I would continue, but I don’t think I’d consider it living.
So basically it’s another stage of life. One gets to be a bit more other-directed, and less self-absorbed. Of course being kid-absorbed can be much worse than being self-absorbed, and for some, having kids is the ultimate act of narcissism, but once having reproduced, your worldview will never be the same.
Note well that I don’t say everyone should want to be a parent. That’s a very personal decision, that should be left up to the individual. But remember it’s only been in the last 40 years that even a fraction of the world’s population has had a real choice in whether to reproduce or not. For millenia, the question for women was not “shall I have kids or not”, but rather “will I survive childbirth or not”. I’m glad we can now have choices. Some of us anyway.
QtM
Well…DUH. Of course we want our kids to be great. Nobody sets out to have kids hoping the kids turn out worse than the parents. Hey look Jen! Compared to Junior, I’m a fucking genius! What a loser!
Also, DUH again. Does anyone procreate with the intentions of making the world less desirable? Boy the world’s been rough to me…I’ll teach everyone a lesson and send forth MY EVIL SEED…
Optimistic? Hell yeah but the little buggers are so goddam cute!
Me, I always wanted a pet chimpanzee. Then I babysat for kids who had a spider monkey – it scared me. Then I realized that, while a chimp is much smarter, and more personable, it’s also a heck of a lot stronger than the spider monkey that I could barely tear off my arm.
So I figured pet humans would be safer.
I had a mess of fun with my kids. Babies are tough – they are sweet, sure, but they also wake you up at crazy hours and seem so unreasonable, sometimes. But if they were born six months old (OUCH!), I’d have had five of them instead of just two.
It’s so cool living full-time with them and watching them learn how to talk and how to act. They have such a sincere sense of humor.
And now I’m enjoying my grandson. He’s three, and his latest bizarre comment: His folks were watching Star Wars, and he got all excited at seeing Yoda, for some reason. Jumped up and waved his hands in the air. My daughter asked him if he knew who that was. He said, “I think it’s probably John Lennon.”
-Another
My personal opinion is that most people really don’t think very much about why they have children. In the cases of most of my friends from high school, they just sort of assume that having kids is the next step in the natural progression of life. You go to grade school, middle school, high school, then to college or a job. Then you get married and after a suitable time period start popping out babies, because that’s just what people do.
I hate to stomp on any parents’ toes, but all the benefits of having kids I’ve seen listed here so far, I get from my pets. Unconditional love, something to watch grow and develop, the chance to spoil another living creature completely rotten…all this can be yours for a few cans of food, a few toys, and some cuddle time.
What confuses me about the whole issue isn’t why people choose to have kids. It’s why people who do have kids almost invariably respond to my announcement that I don’t want any with “Oh, honey, don’t say that. When the right man comes along, you’ll want them.” I’ve met the right man, and neither of us wants children, for an enormous list of reasons. It’s the automatic assumption that I’ll eventually want babies that’s stopping me from being able to get a hysterectomy (so I never have to worry about birth control failing).
CrazyCatLady
I’d like to have kids at some point.
Why? Lots of reasons. First off, I think I could do a decent job, and maybe a kid raised in a loving manner can add to the world, if not at least to balance out all the kids that were raised by wolves. Maybe that is ego talking, but I can’t help but look forward to playing dress-up (to inspire the imagination), doing home made science experiements and going on family hikes together. It kind of gives me the warm fuzzies when I see families out on Sunday strolls in the park, or visiting a museum together, or any number of wonderful wholesome things. It’s kind of something that I would like to take a part of, instead of spending my adulthood going to dinner parties and sipping wine with all my adult friends commenting on how glad I was I didn’t have a little heathen.
Oh! And picking out toys for Christmas (maybe a few that I’d like to play with, too). Doing stupid but fun craft projects! Flying kites! I think that people with kids learn (often out of neccesity) how to enjoy the small, free things in life. Kids keep a family young and fun…they work to counteract the bitterness and cynicism that pervades our culture.
And I love family. I love having people to visit, people to see at holidays, people to make gifts for and enjoy the company of. Family just fills in a space that close friends never will. And frankly, the only way that I will continue to have family around me is if I start making it. Crass as it is, I really do look forward to having family to help me out when I am old. Something as simple as a phone call from a son or daughter can do wonders for the elderly. And I just know that I would love seeing their lives unfold as mine comes to a close. Kind of knowing that humanity lives on, and that I helped to contribute to that.
I don’t have a good answer to this question. While it’s true that many of the answers involve ego and hubris and selfishness, the reality of parenthood (once that little bundle arrives) is so much work and sacrifice, it’s not selfishness or ego that keeps one going.
I think, ski, that the reason people don’t later say “it’s a mistake” is not stubborn refusal to own up to the truth. The fact is, even when it’s hard, it’s really rewarding. It makes you a person you didn’t know you were. I am capable of things I never knew before. I’m not a particularly patient person, and I’m not very emotional. But there were wellsprings of patience and emotion in me that would never have been tapped if I hadn’t had Cranky Jr.
FTR, I do know a woman who says her first kid was the biggest mistake she ever made, but she says that in context of having her second, which was the best decision she ever made, because it made her a better mother to both of them, made her realize she’d had PPD with the first, and made her see things in both kids she loved more than she could have with just one.
I guess if I had to answer the original question, I’d say that part of it was a desire not just to recreate me, but more to recreate a part of my husband, whom I find to be amazing and complex and all those things people typically love about their spouse. Also, raising a person to be a good citizen of the world and a good person is the ultimate challenge, the ultimate test of what I say I believe and value. What an amazing project to embark upon with my family and my community. I guess it’s like why some people climb Mt Everest. I have no interest in that, but parenting is like a Mt. Everest for me.
pepperlandgirl, personally, I was like you: not that interested in having kids. I mean, I like kids, quite a lot, but that’s not the same as raising one, and I knew enough to know it was a pretty tough commitment that basically never ends.
But: Mrs. Squeegee wanted kids. I wanted her to be happy, so we have kids. And I love 'em to death. And I’d do it again. And it’s still a tough business, I had no surprises there (though Mrs Sqeegee did; I think she rather saw motherhood as some fairytale thing, not the gruelling job it really is, as she now knows).
But if Mrs. Squeegee had not wanted kids originally, I would have been fine with that, too. Sometimes you do these things not for the obvious reason but for love of your spouse. Not that this is the correct answer for you, just my experience.
Why on earth would you get a hysterectomy for birth-control purposes? Why don’t you get your tubes tied or something?
And to answer the OP–I dunno. I just always figured I would have kids, and I am looking forward to having them. You have my permission to kick anyone who nags you about it.
I want to have a partial hysterectomy (where the uterus is removed but the ovaries are left intact) for a couple of reasons. Firstly, although it’s very rare, tubal ligation sometimes spontaneously reverses itself. In these cases, since you aren’t using any other form of birth control, you usually find out this happened when your gyno tells you you’re pregnant. Secondly, I have a family history of cervical cancer and a personal history of abnormal pap smears. You can’t get cancer in an organ you don’t have anymore, nor can you grow a fetus in something that’s no longer there.
We’ve also discussed vasectomy, but sometimes those spontaneously reserve, and you’re back to square one. The other big problem with getting either a tubal done on me or a vasectomy done on him is that doctors aren’t willing to surgically sterilize someone under forty or so who doesn’t have kids already, short of some life-threatening illness. As much as it sucks, that’s their policy.
CrazyCatLady
I get this too, especially since I work with young children. Along the lines of " You like kids, how could you not want any?" Is it so hard to believe that my maternal instinct is wholly fulfilled by spending six hours a day with children? Yes, I enjoy being with cuddly little people, and find them amazing, but I am also happy to see them go home to their parents at the end of the day. Yeah " It’s different with your own kids" but so? I’m fairly self-absorbed and don’t think I’d have the attention span needed to adequately parent, and I worry I’d get as bored of parenting as I do of interacting my pets. I know I don’t want to be pregnant or live with a baby, and I’m also afraid of passing along some of the hereditary unpleasantness that’s in my family. I don’t know if I could handle it if my child wasn’t “perfect.”
The more I’ve thought about parenthood, the less I’ve wanted to be a parent. It seems to me that the people most gung-ho about someday being a parent are the ones who are the least likely to do anything but picture pure idealizations when they think about how it’s going to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not 100% against the idea of having a child, but whomever changes my mind would have to have some damn convincing arguments for why it’d be a good idea.