Oh neighbor dear, come over here
So that you and I might chat.
I’ve been next door two years this fall
And need to tell you that:
Your dogs–they suck, I hate them both
I wish that they would die.
The bark and growl and moan and howl
throughout the day and night.
They never pause to take a breath.
You never make them hush.
And when you go, to work, to school
you leave them out, for us.
And—oh—what’s this, a fenced in pen
Right outside our bedroom screens?
Don’t fear, my dear, we love to hear
your “puppies” in our dreams.
My son, 5 months, enjoys it so,
He often wakes to join.
That barking, howling, moaning din
Now has his frightened cries thrown in!
And every time I wake to this
I wish that I could share
With you, my sweet, of the rotting teeth
Just how it makes me feel.
I seethe, I curse, I fume and fry.
I hope for death, I ask god why.
Why my life has been so beset
by your stupid, ugly, howling pets.
I asked you once to shut them up,
you laughed and scratched your head.
“Those ornery things, I know they’re bad
I can’t tell why, they’re quite well fed.”
Perhaps, you twit,
What causes it, you syphilitic whore,
Is that they’re out, without a doubt,
Twenty-two hours of each twenty-four.
Day and night, rain and shine,
they sit barking in that pen.
Sometimes your kids shout out “shut up”
from the window in your den.
Of course, I laugh, to hear them yell
at your stinking beasts from hell.
As if their nasal, mouth-breathing shouts
this earsplitting clamor could hope to rout.
My friends, they come, to see me here
they’re waltzing up my walk.
“Watch out my friend! Don’t come on in!
My neighbors dogs are out again!”
Yes, they’ve jumped your fence and lurk
in the bushes in my yard.
They chase my cats and drop their shit
I’d like to kick them hard.
But WAIT, I can’t–they’re fucking HUGE,
with long and shining teeth.
I go to leave, to pass them by, before
they chase me back inside.
I try to call and let you know
it rings and rings and rings.
You can’t be bothered, don’t I care
You’re doing vital things?
But when the warden pulls on up
to take your beasts away,
THEN you put your crack pipe down
And race outside to say;
“But, Oh Warden, don’t you know,
I give them so much care!
They’re rarely out, now don’t you doubt,
that they’re a harmless pair.”
I watch, dismayed, he turns them loose.
You usher them inside.
He’s gone, it’s safe! Now they’re back out
And I‘ll no longer hide
The HATE, the RAGE, the unspoiled WRATH
that’s festering inside.
I dream of spending a single night
At the window to YOUR room.
Air horns, whistles, drumbeats, screams–
Enough to cause a sonic boom.
I want to kill your stupid dogs
I fantasize about the ways.
Poison, bullets, knives or ropes
Acids, spikes, or red-death rays.
I want to pluck their noisesome tongues
out of their foul wet mouths
I want to hack off both their tails
and fling them at your house.
I want to spray them down with all
kinds of blood and bile,
Then set them loose inside a cage
with a hungry crocodile.
I’d like to lance them up the asses,
Snuff them out with neural gasses.
Choke them, stoke them, shave them down
Kick them, stick them, watch them drown.
I want to cram their yelping jaws
full of glass and pus-soaked gauze.
Smack them, whack them, pull their ears.
Prod them, poke them with red-hot spears.
I want to gather flesh-eating fleas
to sic on them with wasps and bees.
Break them, stake them, chase them away.
Beat them, cleat them, make them pay.
If only I could break each bone
then crush their skulls with heavy stones.
Slash them, bash them, sever their feet.
Stab them, jab them, roast their meat.
I picture scooping out their eyes
and serving them with fresh homefries.
Shoot them, boot them, make them cry
Slay them, flay them, help them die.
If I could only see your face
as I dispensed the coup de grace
That sent them yelping down to hell
back home beneath this earthly shell.
Oh what I’d give, you pin-brained trout,
to see you act less dense.
I plan to check YOUR skull for brains,
Before I mount it on my fence.
Oh yes, you cunt, now don’t you fear
My list shows your name, too.
Because the only thing worse than your pair of beasts
Is lice-ridden, dog-neglecting you!
Your deadened eyes and bloody hair
will serve to warn all those,
who let their animals piss me off,
And pretend that they don’t know.
To bad that you, you stupid twat,
Can’t quite seem to see
How much your stupid fucking dogs
Have irritated me.
