faithfool- I send the best of my wishes and positive thoughts your way. I feel that, compared to your sea of experiences I have had nothing more than a mud puddle. Still, I feel for you and offer any support I can muster. Hang tough, take the meds, and remember that those who love you are not the enemy.
We are always in your corner.
Nic
I typed up a whole shpiel about my having problems similar to yours and what I do about them, but on preview it wouldn’t really be all that helpful. So, I send you:
((((((hugs))))))
Also, when everything else deserts you and you can’t even imagine how it might be to not be miserable 24/7, there’s always chocolate ice cream.
Own what you feel. Stick your hands in it, like it’s a mud pie, like it’s Play-Doh™, like it’s unmentionably gross stuff but you don’t care any more and might fling it but fuckit, it’s yours and you can stick your hands in it if you want.
Scream some, cry some, rage some, don’t do anything just yet except express at will (definitely do that), but go towards what you feel, not away. Be luxuriously miserable, like no one has ever been miserable like this before. (And they haven’t, by the way: this is your misery and it’s unique in its composition and flavor and meaning). Regret things. Resent things. Get maudlin and nostalgic. Get blackly hopeless. Write yourself off, write the species human off, write all of fucking creation off. Find some fury. Be contemptuous and wry about yourself, about life, about everything. Get to the point you don’t owe nobody nothing and fuck 'em, you could check out, don’t owe yourself or god or your kids or anyone anything, you really could check out, and more to the point, if you don’t, what’s left of your life is a freebie, an accident, and you still don’t have to do anything with your life, you can do any freaking thing you want to with it because the life that counted is an accident and this one is a bonus, so you can do whatever you want with it. Take ridiculous risks. Go hedonistic. Become antisocial if you feel like it. Spend the week in bed. Or under the bed on the floor wrapped in blankets. Take up serial killing, or cannibalism. Become a whore. Or go become a university student and take up accounting. Or run for the State Assembly.
Not like you can’t walk off from the whole works if it goes bad, you were going to do that anyway.
You’ll know when you’re ready to move on and DO. Your timing, no one else’s.
First of all, a great big
((HUG))
Now. About the moods. Write in great big letters on a piece of paper “It’s just the chemicals”. Your other problems notwithstanding, your body’s just been thrown into PMS on steroids. It’s not you. None of those thoughts are real.
Did you ever see “A Beautiful Mind”? And how Nash taught himself to ignore his hallucinations by telling himself they were all unreal? This is what you can aim for. It feels like you’re being tossed around in a storm, so hang on to the rails and refuse to let the wind blow you anyplace. Get mad at it, if you can. Tell the chemicals off. Tell them you’ll not let them mess with your head and that’s that.
This isn’t about you. It’s not who you are. It’s just some chemicals acting up. It’s not about what you’ve done. It’s not your fault. And it’s certainly not pathetic!
You can also try humour therapy; have some funny films around. Or cartoons. Or books - whatver tickles your funnybone. Try to dose up on laughter when you can.
You will get through this.
I don’t know what else to say, except that this could be laying the foundation to save my life sometime that I need it. Thank you doesn’t even touch it and telling y’all that I’m grateful doesn’t either. But I do, to both, and much, much more. I think for the moment I’ll just take a break and spend hours “under the bed on the floor wrapped in blankets.” Because that sounds so good and occasionally I can forget. So I’ll leave it at that and promise to return tomorrow with a more in depth reply.
There’s no one better than you folks on the Dope. Honestly.
Until the daylight brings some more hope (which better be on Wednesday, I’ve got laundry to do), I’ll see y’all then.
~Kemi
BIG hugs. I don’t know if this will help, but when I was going through the worst of my days, I made a big sign and pasted it to my wall where I could see it all day long:
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
Getting angry does help. And I second getting outside. Take a book and just sit there for five or ten minutes. It really does help.
If it helps at all, you may borrow my best-ever coping strategy: I think back to the worst single minute of my life (whatever happens to be the first “worst” that pops in to my head is fine - I’m fairly melodramatic and can dredge up a tragedy on a moment’s notice) and remind myself, “That was horrible. It sucked. I got through it anyway. I hated every minute of it, but it’s back there now. This will be, too.”
Or my best friend’s favorite strategy: “I can get through this for twelve more minutes.” Even if she has to repeat that every thirteen minutes for a couple hours, it does move her forward. She has even set a timer for herself, and when it goes off she says, “HA! I betcha I can get through another twelve.”
Take things in small steps. Remember, too, that clinical depression is partially defined by “inappropriate” or disproportionate sadness or anger - and while that may be an issue for you, you also have, at this moment, a damn good reason to feel blue. Your hormones are temporarily out of whack and you probably feel physically less than your best. Be extra good to yourself for a couple of days, and you’ll be able to look back on this and say, “HA! I got through THAT, I can get through anything.”
hugs
You’re doing everything right it sounds like, with a psychologist and Cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy really does work, but it does take time, and it is hard work. When I was in the middle of recovering from a 13 year long anxiety disorder, I would meditate morning and night, and I would have a long, hard crying fit each morning (and often at night, too), and then go to work. Anxiety is exhausting, and recovering from anxiety is exhausting. And from what I’ve heard from other women, having a hysterectomy is exhausting.
Some concrete things I can offer you to help you feel better immediately:
- sunlight and fresh air
- exercise
- quit caffeine
- drink lots of water
- eat healthy
- positive thoughts stimulate the same area of the brain as SSRI’s - write yourself a list of positive thoughts about yourself, and don’t be shy about using them
You’re not always going to feel this bad. Sometimes it takes all the courage you have to allow yourself to feel good, but you can do it. You deserve it (everyone does).
I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time right now. When we were building the house we’re in right now, I became stressed and debilitated to the point where my parents had to care for me for a while. Anxiety attacks came on in huge waves and I was also clinically depressed for a bit. I lost about 15 pounds in a few weeks and was a mess. We were living in a very small rental house and my commute each day was a nightmare. Everything finally came crashing down around me.
I’m here to tell you that you can, and will, rebound from this. It took me months to regain my strength again, but I did. One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is this; it will get better. You will also find that you will appreciate and take pleasure in all of those little things in life that people who haven’t been through depression/agorophobia don’t notice as much. When I was feeling my worst I felt that things would never get better. I was exhausted all the time and not capable of doing everyday things, much less take care of myself. I often felt that I was missing out on life and that increased my anxiety.
Sometimes I’m taking the dogs for a walk on a nice day and I just feel so grateful for the moment of sheer normalcy and contentment.
This all happened over 7 years ago. To this day I’ve followed through with something I promised myself. It was this - ‘Self, if I ever feel normal again, I will do nice things for other people, often’. Being kind to others, especially strangers, is very important to me. It also gives me such pleasure - everybody wins. Try it - you’ll enjoy the results.
Here is a song from me to you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-QEzp4cZ6o
Love,
Purple Haze
You just had a hysterectomy and your emotions are out of whack and you’re being told it’s all in your head? … looks suspiciously at faithfool’s doctors
If you live in an area where you don’t get enough of the bright ball in the sky, maybe some of the canned variety would help? In winter I crave tomatoes and butter, which, hey how curious, happen to have a lot of vitamin D… the one our body makes using sunlight. (Yes, I know the biochemistry is more complicated than that and definitely not in the form hv->vitD, “transmute light”)
Sending warm fuzzy thoughts your way…omm
Total and complete sense. I’m constantly borderlining on this myself.
Hang in there, gal. There’s good advice in this thread, and I hope some of it helps you.
((warm fuzzies)) ← you don’t see me do THAT as a rule, either. That’s special preferential treatment that is, so feel special already! 
Just saw your message in MPIMS and wanted to drop you a note. I’m not going to claim what that I know exactly how you are feeling, but I’ve worked through some really nasty episodes of depression in my life before.
I’ve had a lot of the feelings you talk about, and the 450 cycles per hour just made me get goosebumps - I can perfectly remember the feeling now. It felt like somebody just plugged my brain into a wall socket and let it run. Didn’t matter what I did - try to calm down, try to breathe slowly, try to do anything and my head felt like it was shaking itself apart. I’d wake up in the morning happy, until I realised that I’d been dreaming, this was real-life and then my heart would just plummet. And I mean plummet - it was a physical sensation. I’d lie there thinking of how shit the rest of my life was going to be like this. I knew it wouldn’t get any better and I was fucked. Everybody told me it would pass, but what did they know - I was the sucker with the impending doom sensation, I was the one whose life just stopped. That went on for some time.
But now for the good bit.
Now, I’m off the meds, I wake up smiling, I go through the day happy and I’m always looking forward to tomorrow. I’m not some miraculously cured freak - I just got through the shit. It sucked and blowed (at the same time) but then it started getting better. And the next thing you know, you’ve had a whole good day. Then you notice 2 good days, and then, when things are sucking a bit you think “yeah - but tomorrow will be better” and it is. And then when the shit rides up a bit, you don’t get the ultra-stress and the freaky thoughts, you can ride it out and you know you’ll be good tomorrow. And it carries on like that, getting better and better and better.
The one thing you have to remember throughout all of this is that IT GETS BETTER. And I know it wasn’t just me. The people I talked to explained how it would work, and though I didn’t believe at the time, they were right. All of 'em. Which means to me that a lot of people go through this, and a lot of people get out of it, and it happens pretty much the same way. Which is why I can write you this without feeling like an idiot making false promises. I recognise what you are going through. It matches experiences and those of others I know. And we all got through it. And you will too.
In fact, I’m smiling now as I write this cos I know how good you are going to feel when you get on the home straight and it all comes back for you. That feeling when you wake up and you don’t sink inside is just frickin’ AMAZING. And you’ve got it coming.
Well done, and good luck.
I am doing all right at present, but here’s what I had to get through:
Late last year my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Within a month she was dead.
My Dad (they’d been married for 57 years) died within another month.
I had to take over a month off work under doctor’s orders.
During this time came the interminable saga of selling my parent’s house, where a dork wasted loads of time before dropping out.
I was also involved in heavy negotations over my job and future career.
Finally two of my best friends had a serious argument and threatened never to talk to each other again.
I did what people here have advised.
I got medical advice.
I spoke to friends about my feelings.
I went for walks.
I counted my blessings.
I did things that comforted me.
I took things one step at a time.
Yes, there were days when I found even opening the mail was a massive effort.
But I am nearly over it.
I organised my parents’ funerals, where loads of family and friends comforted me.
The house is back on the market.
My job is fine and I’m looking forward to the changes.
I managed to sort out my mates.
Best of luck dealing with your problems. 
People are incredibly resilient.
The pain will pass eventually.
Sounds like you’re doing all the right things, and even just recognising what the problems are can be a lot more helpful than you think.
Sending good thoughts, positive wishes and warm fuzzies your way for as long as you need them.
Heart = bad
Head = good
No more listening to your heart and those bothersome…what are they called again?
…oh yeah…feelings. Stop listening to those.
Seriously, though, we’ll have no more pouting. You’ve exceeded your PPD (pout per day) limit for the past week. We’ve been lax, but I’m afraid I must ticket you if you keep up this behavior. Let’s not have this happen again. This is the beginning of something terribly dreadful and it can be stopped right now if we put an end to all this damned pouting. Think about something fuzzy, like, a man’s ass. Well, something cute AND fuzzy, like puppies and harp seal pups. There, that’s better.
{{{Kemi}}}
Hang in there – it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I’ll echo what LifeOnWry said: small steps are the key. When it gets to be too much, just pick an interval of time that you feel like you can get through and focus on that. Don’t dwell on the future, just say “I can get through this next <however long>.”
Distractions are good too. Even if you know you’re just doing something to distract yourself, it can help a little. Something to keep you moving is best, or at least keep your hands busy, at least in my experience (not agoraphobia, but depression).
Okay, enough advice. Sending warm wishes your way.
{{{Kemi}}}
Sorry about the morass faithfool but I gotta ask - has the doc put you on hormone replacement therapy? I don’t remember if you had a total or partial hyssie but you might need to up the dose or knock it down. They put a patch on me before leaving the OR and I needed it.
Having a hyssie fit hits everyone differently - I went back to work in less than two weeks. Admittedly, I was stuffed with drugs and took naps at lunch but I listened to the nurse and it really was better after 8 weeks.
Many hugs.
Sorry about the small hijack, but that’s one of my favorite words. Morass baby!
To faithfool, more hugs
Hi Faithfool. Speaking from (recent) experience, it seems that major surgery has a direct impact on emotions. Every time I have a major surgery I end up with two symptoms:
- I feel cold all the time
- I get deeply depressed.
I was operated on 13 days ago and am as we speak feeling rather cold (two shirts on) and am deeply depressed.
I have come to accept that this is common after surgery. Mom had the same thing when she had a hysterectomy.
None of this will help the problems go away, but it might make it easier to deal with knowing it is fairly normal.
Sending supporting thoughts your way!
Thank you all again.
I’m here, just not all awake. I’ll return sometime today when I can formulate a coherent thought. But it’s good to know that you guys helped me through the night. I even slept decently for once. I am indebted to each and every one of you.