I suppose it goes without saying that if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Do you have an apprentice program? I would like to enroll.
If not, I would like to apply for the positing of henchman. I don’t have any experience, but I am a hard worker and willing to learn.
I wish you well in your endeavours, and recommend the following evil overlord resources for your information:
The last source is particularly useful if you haven’t settled on an evil lair, as yet. (Most lairs on offer are fully equipped with convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanisms.)
Have you applied for your small business loan for your lair, yet? Take it from me, hollowing out a volcano can get pretty pricey quickly, and you’ll want to shop around for a good rate and terms.
ACORN may be able to help out with this.
I want to see proof that M,I,S! has each of these qualities.
brujaja, in the current era there’s no need to lock into older gender-based roles.
M,I,S!, do you have an opening for a gun dude?
I don’t exactly have a great grandpa. I’ve also got a time machine, and, well… it’s complicated, but I’m my own mother, grandmother, aunt, grandpa, daughter and uncle.
Now your ancestors, on the other hand, can easily catch a plague or get run over by a carriage. I’d be on my best behavior if I were you.
My vizier is an autistic savant who likes to design weapons of mass destruction and pop bubble wrap. As long as he has bubble wrap he doesn’t care about anything else.
No, but I’ve infected your secret lair. When you come up with an antidote, I’ll steal it from you.
Because I’m me, baby!
You can be deluded sex kitten to my Chief of the Henching Department, Robert. He’s a pretty good-looking man- got a stutter, but we can’t all be perfect (well, except me). He likes death metal and long walks on the beach during red tides.
Go ahead. I was planning on dismantling it for scrap anyway. Just watch out for those wombats, okay? Never trust a wombat; they’re always up to something.
The lair industry has vastly improved in the last ten years. No longer do you have to worry about your built-in AI rebelling, or being pushed into your own acid vat by some wannabe James Bond. They’re got better climate control for volcano/Arctic lairs, extra-dimensional wormholes for easy travel, and booby-trapped ventilation ducts. Not to mention working particle colliders. (You want to know why the LHC isn’t working? Because we keep stealing the parts, that’s why!)
My lair, of course, is a top-of-the-line, all-options-included building. I’m not going to go into detail- what, you thought I was gonna describe my top-secret hideout on a public message board?- but let’s say that any intruders would have to be anaerobic, less than three microns wide, and immune to kittens to even get past the first level of security.
My public throne room will be housed in an entirely separate building. There will be no secret tunnels leading to my bedroom; all my hyper-dimensional doorways will be portable, and carried on my person at all times.
As for equipment, Evil Science Things R Us is pretty low-end. I personally get my monsters from Bob’s Abominations. I highly recommend Bob, if you’ve got the money. His evil beasts are all healthy, obedient, and your money back if they don’t kill anything in thirty days.
The rest of my stuff mostly comes from Dark Mensa. Again, a bit pricey, but they’re well worth it. Dark Mensa mostly caters to criminal masterminds, but I see no reason why I can’t use them for Overlord purposes as well.
Sufficient liquid nitrogen for hero removal generally costs upwards of 50k.
How do you feel about wombats?
“That one” has been erased from human memory, his ashes scattered into cold space and his childhood teddy bear incinerated. I suppose you could keep his howling shade company in the bowels of the infinite void, but I can’t really see a point.
Naturally, those who follow me have better health insurance than those who don’t. Better health in general, if you know what I mean.
Quizzicals are paid an extra fifteen dollars an hour, and have to wear lavender suits.
I will be using Hawaii as a base for my giant Malleus-themed amusement park. You may have Vancouver, but make sure you clean up after you’re done.
As for Mr. Indestructible, send him this way and you will be richly rewarded.
Something blue. With feathers. And gold lame. And ankle bracelets. My pet seamstress is still lining up the sequins around the waist, so I can’t tell you what it will look like just yet.
While I already have a lair, your skull volcano sounds like just the thing for Robert the Hench to live in. Does it have room for a tank of acid-breathing sharks?
You can have what’s left of Katy. I’m afraid she might lose as much as 93% of her mental function by the time I’m done with her. Though probably no one will notice.
See Robert around the back. He’ll give you your instructions.
Would you like to be the Face of Evil? I need someone to do public appearances which will strike fear into the hearts of a miserable populace. I think you may be the one I’m looking for.
The benefit to starting out as an ordinary criminal is that- how should I put this- I can acquire sufficient money without having to go through all the hassle of comparitive interest.
I know. All my old enemies, sitting there exposed, wondering what to do? Isn’t that funny? I’m not sure whether to destroy them, or leave them as a form of public amusement.
After publicly doubting my perfection? I’d be heading real fast to another galaxy if I were you.
Have you posted an ad on Craiglist looking for an arch-nemesis, yet?
Fool. I knew you found that lair. You were SUPPOSED to find that one. You’ve played right into my hands.
The thing about peacocks is, they look beautiful, but they sound horrid. “Grawwk!” Also, they’re male.
Can we see your birth certificate?
You know what a female peacock is called, right?
A peahen. What, you didn’t think I was going to say something else, did you?
Every Evil Overlord claims to be talented, sexy, strong, capable, and world-domination class. But in the end, only one Evil Overlord will have all of these qualities. The others get captured by Heroes or squashed by a superior Evil Overlord.
I just want to make sure I’m signing up for the superior-est Evil Overlord.
No, not that one. The REAL secret lair.
Nope. Neener neener neener.
Feel free. What does not kill them makes them stronger. What does kill them- well, they wouldn’t have been up to my henching standards anyway. I can always get more from Mooks-A-Million.
Tremble before me, worm! I know the third word that ends in -gry, AND what happens when a plane tries to take off from a treadmill! Muhahahahaha!
Do you believe you were born a criminal mastermind about to take over the world, or was being a a criminal mastermind about to take over the world a choice you made? Also, how is babby formed? How girl get pragnent?
Um. Vancouver Island - That’s where the surf is. Vancouver is a drizzling land of hip coffee elitists. I currently live there, and to take it over would just generate…[del]casualties[/del]…[del]feet washing up on the beach[/del]…trouble.
By the way, this metal covered torso is costing the earth to mail. It’s like totally covered in stamps now.