HH: “Boomhauer! I can’t understand a word you’re saying! It must be the echo!”
Cotton: “Head of a Nazzy!” (seems to be the preferred spelling)
Bobby: “My Dad says butane is a bastard gas.”
Dale’s Wife: I gotta go to the TV station, hon, I don’t know when I’ll get back.
Dale: What am I supposed to eat?
Dale’s Wife: I left a carton of cigarettes on the table for you, Sug.
Dale(to Hank): I think I’ll keep her!
Chris W
The porn tape episode has a few good ones in it…
Dale: One by one, your friends will desert you. I’ll be next.
At the trail…
JUDGE: And let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.
HANK: Thank you, your honor!
Hank at an environmental protest:
“What kinda leftie hootenanny is this? [sigh] Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?”
Peggy:
“You see, Bobby, I am what the magazines call a ‘superwoman’.”
Bit of a praphrase, here. In one episode wher Hank gets laid off from the propane company, he’s going on about how superstores have ruined small businesses. Goes something like.
“The only place you can find a traditional Main Street anymore is at Disney World. And just try to buy a gun there.”
I may be mis-quoting these slightly but my two favorite lines are from the episode where the Hill’s open their home to the woman who turns out to be a prostitute:
Hank Hill:
“I’m the mack daddy of Harlan county, yo!”
Later in that same episode:
“Peggy, the only thing I’ll be pimping is Sweet Lady Propane.”
As a matter of fact, any line where Hank manages to sneak in “Sweet Lady Propane” is downright hysterical to me.
I can’t believe nobody’s mentioned my favorite KOTH scene, Bobby as “The Amazin’ Jeezus”
Bobby has to do a skit for church, and he can’t think of anything to do. Hank advises him to base his skit on what interests him, since in this episode that’s magic, Bobby puts on a skit, for the entire church, where he reproduces Jesus’ miracles, turning water into wine, etc… Hank and Peggy are sitting in the pews, getting more and more mortified, until Bobby says “For my last trick, I need a large wooden cross and a couple of nails”, at which point Hank comes out of the pew to stop him with his signature “Aaaahhhh”
Had me peeing my pants I was laughing so hard.
Hank: “the only mistress I have is (sweet lady?) propane…Peggy and I have an understanding about that”
Too bad someone took the milk one that’s the first line from that show that made me want to watch it.
I don’t remember this quote very well so bare with me
“Hank I have an IQ of 180! Well…I never took any tests or anything just my personal estimation”
Could someone help me out with the real quote there? In fact nearly all of the grand sweeping statements Peggy makes about herself makes me roll my eyes. If I met someone like that I don’t know if I’d laugh at them or throttle them.
I love the episode when Bobby takes a self defense class at the Y, then goes around yelling “That’s my purse! I don’t know you!” at people and kicking them in the crotch.
(Also paraphrases):
Peggy is holding a meeting of Team Peggy Hill (one of whom looks like a Fat Albert clone) at her restaurant, Peggy’s Sugarfoots.
Peggy: This is the new employee suggestion box so that you can share ideas without having to give your name.
Fat Albert: That thing’d work better if you cut a hole in it.
Peggy: I’m one of only six people in the world to fall from an airplane and live! The six is an educated guess.
Hank: Sweet Lady Propane, or if you prefer her full name of C3H8, gives her clean burning life force for so many services, whether it be cooking or heating or…
Dale: Yeah, Hank, I remember all that from your toast at our wedding.
Dale’s wife (after Dale learns his father is gay):I’m really proud of you, shug. I’m surprised you’re so comfortable accepting those who practice an alternative lifestyle.
Dale: I don’t know why that’d surprise you. Me and John Redcorn have been friends for fifteen years and he’s gay.
Bobby (after being given a pack of tarot cards) : “Wow … they’re like baseball cards for hobbits!”
From the Willie Nelson episode:
Hank: Willie and I have a lot in common. He’s from Texas, I’m from Texas. He plays the guitar, I play the guitar. He’s had trouble with the IRS, and last year it took me 6 hours to complete my 1040 form. E-Z my ass.
And from the Boggle championship ep:
Hank to Peggy: I don’t want you going to Dallas at all. It’s full of crackheads and debutantes. And most of them work for the Cowboys.
From (I think) the first season. Bobby becomes a model for fat kid clothes. Hank is motified and Peggy is encouraging Bobby:
Hank: “I’m trying to control the outbreak and you’re driving the monkey to the airport.”
Haj
Peggy (translated): “I have too many good anuses in front of me to spend the rest of my life in a cigar factory”
Heh heh. I know that the 1040EZ is for folks who don’t have any dependants, and I’m a Canuck.
Toopid redneck. [/Kahn]
Nobody who owns a home would use the EZ form either.
COTTON (going on a violent rampage in a teahouse in Japan) “Dammit, this whole country is made outta paper and balsa wood!”
Alot of this is the context when you actually see it, but when Dale is displeased with a guy he hired for some illicit purpose named Eduardo he says,
“Looks like I’ll have to take care of Eduardo myself…”
It looks like he’s reaching for a gun in the glove compartment but instead he pulls out a pen and paper and you hear,
“Dear Eduardo, this is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write.”
I laughed my ass off for a few minutes. Dale is the man.
Just for accuracy, the guy’s name is Octavio. He appears as Dale’s flunky a few times.
Hank (trying to figure out a magic trick): Do you have any theories?
Dale: You’re asking if I have theories?
Hank: About the trick, Dale.
Cotton (referring to Hank’s narrow urethra): Hank? Is you havin’ trouble baby makin’? This cos of your narry pipe?
Also, any time Hank says “I tell you whut.”
Boomhauer:
Will you fellas knock it off? I’ve been trying to read this article about the 1968 Camaro for the past forty-five minutes and I’m still on the first page!
Dale: YOU DON’T KNOW ME BUT I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
Hank: Oh, hi Dale.
Dale: Hi Hank. Is Peggy there?