How to cope with my six-week-old who won't let me put her down - EVER

In My Humble Opinion
21

I had a somewhat similar experience to the OP’s - I had eclampsia, magnesium drip for a few days, then I had a two-week long migraine from the seizure and high blood pressure after being discharged, then after that migraine went away, it was like my son was making up for lost time and wouldn’t let me put him down. To make matters worse, the complications after I had eclampsia made nursing difficult and I didn’t realize my son wasn’t getting enough to eat until his two-week appointment.

That said, I would definitely:
-fourth the sling recommendation

-and the swaddling recommendation

-urge you not to feel guilty if you’re bed sharing safely and it’s working for you (as my pediatrician (who recommended bedsharing) once said, “Both you and the baby have to sleep, and the baby didn’t read What to Expect books.”)

-I agree that it’s ok for a baby to fuss for a bit, but if she’s really miserable and you need a break, hand off the little one to your spouse or someone else for some sanity; she very well may cry, but better she cry in the arms of a well-meaning, loving adult than alone

Another thing to keep in mind, too - your baby was very small when she was born. It’s possible that she’s trying to catch up on eating, having trouble regulating her body temperature or otherwise still kind of on the immature side.

I know everyone tells you how much you’ll love being with your baby every single moment when they’re first born, but suddenly having another creature attached to you every second of the day can be exhausting and frustrating, especially with such a hard birth and a needy baby. Feed her on demand, try to help her get to sleep and try not to go crazy. And post here if you’re feeling frazzled. Or if your baby manages to poop across the room, because I for one, love a good poop story.

22

Excellent final points. I meant to add, there were times of extreme frustration for me. When I knew I just had to have a break, not only for my sanity but for my son’s continued well-being. People do not talk much about how utter exhaustion and sacrificing your every desire, day in and day out, and listening to your baby scream and cry inconsolably despite your best efforts can make you craaaaaazy. There were days when I’d wonder if I was cut out for motherhood. Days when I would have given anything for the chance to just simply stroll into a coffee shop with a good book and hours to kill (and would feel immensely selfish and ungrateful for entertaining the thought). If I could go back 6 1/2 years and confront my slightly younger and vastly more ignorant self… I would tell me to not be so hard on me ;). You aren’t going to love your little wailing bundle 24/7. Whatever you can do to preserve your sanity and keep your daughter safe…good on you. Even if that means sometimes swaddling her, laying her gently into bassinet or crib, closing the door (and several other doors to muffle the sound and playing some music while you’re at it) and slipping into a warm bath for a luxurious 15-20 minutes. She may still be wailing when you return to her (or you may be lucky and she wailed herself to sleep) but that measure of self presevation was good for you and hence, good for her too. I was so super freaky about doing everything “right” with Jegan - and blamed myself when I couldn’t fix what was wrong on his really bad days - I was needlessly hard on myself and lost out on some of the early, simple enjoyment of living in the good moments with my son.

Some of the more experienced moms here probably read my 24/7 account and cringed… Not for my indulged little guy, but for me, knowing by experience how difficult it can be to so thoroughly subjudicate one’s own needs. That is part and parcel of being parents to an infant, but in isolation, with limited help, it can also be the very recipe for disaster. Be sure to carve out some moments for yourself. It will make you a more patient and loving parent to your daughter.

23

My son wasn’t quite as bad as yours. He’d wake up in the middle of the night as soon as he realized he wasn’t in bed with Mommy.

So I took one of his Mom’s worn shirts and laid him on top of that in the crib. Mom’s exact words were “That’s not goona work, he’s not a dog.”

Well, guess who slept through the night that evening? :smiley:

24

I’d echo all the great advice about trying the sling, and finding a middle ground between constant attention and crying it out. I’d also say that as her mother, there’s stuff only you can do for her. There’s stuff that only you as you can do. There’s also a whole tonne of stuff in your lives that any able-bodied human being can do. Let them do it - if it needs doing at all. Yes, the washing needs doing. That doesn’t mean you have to do it, if you’re busy doing something else that only you can do.

I also want to reiterate this too:

I’m probably massively projecting here, but you’ve mentioned the September changes a couple of times. It may just be practical planning, but if I were you I know I’d have a voice right now in my head going ‘September! have to sort this out before September!’ I just wanted to remind you, in case you have any anxiety about this: September is a lifetime away right now. It may seem like you have a looming deadline, but the potential and inevitable changes between now and then will blow you away. You have time to find a way to live together, and for her, with your help, to work out a way to manage this whole life business. Don’t let anyone pressure you into anxiety about this.

Course, if you hadn’t ever looked at it that way, I’ve just brought it to your mind and now I feel like a massive cow. Sorry about that!

25

We’re in a similar space with our 4 month/old. Feeds every 2 hrs through the night, only sleeps when in a buggy, and bellows if he’s left alone for more than 5 mins.

Drives my wife crazy, no time to get anything done round the house, and our 5 year old spends a lot more time in front of the TV than we’d like.

But we figured that life is short, babies love cuddles, and the washing up can sort itself out. It’s unlikely our 5 y/old will suffer too much from watching a bit of extra TV until I get home from work. A bit of dust and dirt is good for building their immune systems, and if tea is cooked straight from the freezer rather than made from scratch it doesn’t really matter.

My wife’s accepted that 10-15 mins of crying won’t harm our son, but those 15 mins to grab a shower, get some sunshine in the garden, or drink a cup of tea that’s actually hot make a huge difference.

Because it’s our second child we also know that it passes eventually and it never seems so bad in retrospect.

It’s hard to actively enjoy it, but we’ve embraced it as a specific short-term phase of our lives, and we’ve agreed that when the kids leave home in 15-20yrs I can have the house as tidy as I like, but until then as long as it’s not actively hazardous to health we’re OK with barely-organised chaos.

26

Doperchic, when it’s time for daycare, share the story of your little one’s entry into the world and explain that you had/have trouble keeping her settled and comfortable. If she’s still needy and you’re worried about the transition to strangers and less frequent touching, tell them. A little bit of empathy can go a long way.

Also, my one year old never took a pacifier or sucked her thumb, and she’s still waking up demanding comfort-nursing three times each night. I’m having a terrible time breaking her of the habit, rough time weaning and I feel like taking a pacifier away would have been easier. Pretty sure most people wouldn’t encourage dependence on a pacifier, but I sure wish my girl had another option besides chewing on me for comfort.

27

I’m a bloke so I’ll give no comment on how to deal with the child.

What i will advise is to cut yourself some slack with the housework. The kids going to get older and cleaning aint gonna get any easier.

So my suggestion to help you stay sane is prioritise. No one’s going to die if the dishes sit there for a day or 2 or if you don’t do washing every day. It might feel very uncomfortable to let things slide but living with a baby isn’t like living without one, as you’re finding out.

Focus on what’s important, prioritise what needs to be done as opposed to what you would normally like to do, and work through the situation. Basically do what you can to keep your nostrils above the waterline until the waterline starts to recede.

28

Our first was clingy. Tried a bunch of stuff. Nothing seemed to work so we decided to go the cry it out route.
First night 10 solid minutes drove us crazy.
Second night 5 minutes. Only drove us half crazy.
Third night? About 15 seconds.
:smiley:

29

At six weeks?

30

There is a ton of good advice in this thread. I’d like to emphasize: sling, swaddler, clothes dryer, don’t always put your needs second, other adults can hold her too, let the housework go, and she may very well be getting cold.

31

What worked for me (recognising that every baby is different!):
No crying it out - babies under 6 months have no capacity to understand what you are trying to tell them. All they know is they are crying, and you aren’t coming. I also read that you can’t hold a new baby enough, so don’t worry if you can’t put it down.

Sling - I used a mai tai style from newborn, which I didn’t need to worry about head control with - the Ergo has a newborn insert which is also good. A friend had a baby like yours, he spent 3 months solid in the Ergo simply so she could get things done. The cross body ‘sling’ ones have a small risk of suffocation, so I’d research them before I went that path.

Swaddling - lots of vids showing how to do this to keep their hands tucked in nice and tight. I did this from day 1.

Cuski - it’s a sleep comforter that I swear by, it’s my newborn gift of choice. You wear it for a bit so it takes on your scent, and then put it in the cot with your baby every time they go to sleep. They begin to associate it with sleep and it’s important to start good sleep habits early. Easier to find in the dark than a pacifier and no risk to teeth. My 17 month old loves hers and made getting into daycare habit really easy as her routine travelled with her. It’s safe from newborn (remembering that any other toy, bedding, bumpers etc should be removed for kids under 12 months to reduce SIDS risk).

Put the baby down to sleep while they’re awake if you can. I learnt the hard way with #1 who I rocked to sleep for 5 months, only for the 5 month sleep regression to hit me like a hammer. #2 was self-settled from 6 weeks and sleeps like a dream. Lots of patting and shussing (so it’s not crying out, you’re there with them), but try not to hold them if you can help it.

Pram? I used to take a daily walk and get mine to sleep in the pram, the gentle movement and ideally being able to see you as they go to sleep can really help. Helps them learn to sleep without being held.

White noise - you can download lots of different sounds off iTunes - I preferred mountain stream stuff, but heartbeats, airplanes, waves etc all work. It’s noisy inside and we make the mistake of thinking we need to be quiet when the baby sleeps.

Dr Harvey Kapp - the 5Ss is a wonderful thing, works beautifully.

3 months is a good measure of when things get easier - feeding is quicker and sleep routines start to form. It seems like a lifetime, but you do what you need to to get through it. If that means closing a laundry door or living on takeout - it’s only for a few months.

Congrats! Only another 18 years to go…

32

Carrying an infant all the time is all well and good if you want to go that route, but what about the upcoming transition to daycare? No provider is going to be able to pay constant attention to one charge. You’ve dismissed “crying it out” as cruel, but making that transition harder than it has to be isn’t very nice either.
You mention that she can go ten minutes in her swing and then starts to wail. Build on this by taking her out BEFORE she tires of being there, just leaving her in it for a few minutes at a time. If you respond to her crying by doing exactly what she wants, you are reinforcing this communication method, so try to break the cycle by having others offer her comfort, offering feedings when she has not yet started to cry for them, offering comfort or distraction without picking her up, etc. Also, try a carrier that props her up a bit so she can look around, and carry her from room to room so she can watch your activities without being in constant physical contact with you.

33

The Miracle Blanket is a godsend, seriously. Best swaddle ever.

34

6Wks is a bit young to expect them to self sooth and be ok being set down if they don’t want to be. The baby needs momma for a reason. The older they get the longer they can be expected to be set down. 6 wk olds can’t see very well and like to be up close so they can see, smell, and hear you.

35

I’m honestly curious, what is the basis for this perception, and the OP’s opinion that 6 wks is “too young and downright cruel”? It has been 23 yrs since I’ve had a 6 wk old. What age IS old enough for them to cry it out?

My suspicion is that very young infants are more aware and capable than many folk give them credit for. I honestly do not know if 6 wks is too young. But I suspect that even newborns in ICU do not get held every time they fuss or cry.

36

Good advice above – ditto especially overlyverbose, not so much **AnaMen **who I think is thinking of older babies – here to add this: Everything Will Change All the Time. There is practically nothing about your baby’s behavior now that you can count on being relevant to September; not much that you like, not much that you don’t like. Especially because she was early and small, she will just be a whole different kid by then. Things that work to soothe her now might not work any more, things that don’t work now or that you’ve never thought of and wouldn’t believe will work instead, her sleep patterns and preferences could be all over the map between now and then and will continue to change without warning until she’s a toddler and then every once in a while after that. Nobody told me this!

Dopers as a class are keen on figuring things out, solving things, but a baby is a game of Calvinball, especially when it comes to soothing and sleeping. That said, *The Happiest Baby on the Block * (Dr. Karp) helped us the most at this stage, especially the tight swaddling and loud shushing.

For a while when he was about 6 weeks old, my son would only quiet down if I bounced on my toes holding him football-style while singing something fast like the Kitty Cat Dance song. And he had his pacifier plugged in. Proof.

37

This happens to be a very hot-potato topic in the parenting world, on the level of “shoes on/off in the house”. Are you sure you want to get into it? I’d suggest spinning it off to another thread if so.

38

It’s called The Ferber method and it recommended from about 3 months of age, when they have better control of their motor skills and can do things like self sooth by sucking on their own fingers for an extended period of time and visually focus on things such as mobiles and crib mirrors. Before that they can’t really distract themselves that way, and crying is their only way to express their frustration. It’s not a question of whether it is cruel or not, it just isn’t normally feasible that a young infant will reasonably stop crying just because you let them “cry it out”. If they do stop it is from exhaustion not from learning to stop on their own. I let my twins “cry it out” at three months, after m,y husband moved them to their own room and cribs, and they began sleeping about 6 hours a night at that point. Before that they need to feed frequently and be near their caretaker for comfort. It part of normal development.
That being said, as previous posters mentioned, putting baby in a safe location like a crib or car seat, and stepping away for a few minutes to catch your breath or take a shower is perfectly fine. I don’t think any baby has ever died or suffered permanent damages from crying; a frazzled momma is much more dangerous than a crying baby!! (Personal experience speaking, after having sever PPD after my twins were born)

39

the Ferber Method Demystified

40

Any time you pose these kinds of questions to a message board, you get this bickering- “let the kid cry, it’s good for 'em!” “hold the precious thing 24/7- she needs you!” “don’t co-sleep!” “always co-sleep!” blah blah blah

I found that what really helped me was to schedule an appointment with my baby’s pediatrician, to specifically talk about these issues. That’s what they’re there for, that’s what they’ve trained for, that’s what you pay them for. And yes, my pediatrician was far more towards the “train them from the beginning to be more independent than dependent on you for things like falling to sleep, self-comforting, etc” but yours may have different ideas that will help you and your family. With much less differing of styles and bickering than is found on the SDMB.