My daughter is an only child, and she always has wished that she had a brother or sister. I feel bad for her, and it shakes me to the core to know that when I pass, she will not have anybody…(her dad is a deadbeat)
Thanks again, everyone.
Sigh. I know. That’s a big part of what makes me wonder about all this. He’s a sweet kid, and very friendly and interested in other children, and it breaks my heart to think I’m depriving him of that experience. I mean, he’s getting that experience at daycare; that’s how we know he enjoys it. But I also know that seeing your buddies at daycare is not the same as living with your buddies.
Oh, I absolutely agree. No pressure at all here:
My emphasis is on “opportunities”. We’ll leave it up to him to do the friend-making (or not) as he sees fit. And if he seems happy with however many friends he has, we certainly won’t stress about him amassing more.
But I think you’re right that I may be overreacting a little, and that’s entirely due to my own experience. I’m not saying that I know what it’s like to be an only child, but I was also deeply lonely growing up. I did wish to be an only child, it’s true, but far more often, I wished to have a sister like everyone else’s.
My sister and I did play together, but only until I was about 7 or 8. After that, she kind of became a recluse. She spent all her time alone in her room talking to herself, and had no interest in interacting with other people. When she did interact, she made no effort to be nice, she was highly prone to emotional outbursts, and was often physically violent. She was also in special ed, and our town was too small to provide classes, so she went to an entirely different school system. So she’d leave before I did every morning, get home after I did, and go straight to her room. She’d stay there until dinner was on the table, then come and eat, and go immediately back to her room. It was often more like having a boarder than a sibling. And even though I was the younger sibling, I was expected to be responsible for her, be a good example, and help correct her behavior. I resented it, and she resented me for it.
These days, we get along fairly well. She’s gotten a lot better at controlling her emotions, and she’s not such a recluse anymore. She goes out and does things on her own, but she still doesn’t really “get” how to interact with people, and doesn’t seem to have any interest in it. I still have to be responsible for her in many ways, and I’ve accepted that, but she hasn’t, and resents it more than ever.
As for me, I was a nerdy, oversensitive kid with a weird sense of humor, and wanted desperately to be liked but didn’t really know how to make friends. In school, I was constantly picked on. I got labeled as the “cootie girl” early on (“Ew, don’t sit in that chair; it’s got Dorkness cooties!”) and since it was a small town, this stuck with me for a long time. I spent the vast majority of my time alone: reading, making things, and daydreaming. I was very lucky to have one really good friend, but she was a year older than me and lived out in the boonies, so we weren’t together at school and couldn’t just “go play” together whenever we wanted.
Besides my friend, my cousins were the only ones who treated me like a normal kid. I only got to see them a few times a year, but I lived for those visits. Many years later, I found out that a lot of them thought I was totally obnoxious, and I’m sure I was - but they never let on. They “had” to be nice to me because I was family. And now, a couple of them are some of my closest friends.
So I guess the point of all that is that I really don’t want my son to have the lonely, awkward childhood that I did, which is why I’m so concerned about it. And I do feel that having a more “normal”, friendly sibling would have made a world of difference for me. But that’s just it - I can’t guarantee that any sibling I’d give my son would be friendly, or even normal. For that matter, I can’t even guarantee that my *son *will be friendly or normal. Frankly, given my sister’s issues, I fear the chances are higher than average that my kids will have problems. And I’d feel terrible if I had another kid, and one (or both!) of them turns out to be an awful sibling in any way. That’s certainly not the only reason we’re choosing not to have another kid, but it’s a part of it. If my son turns out to be a normal kid, I don’t want to saddle him with a problem sibling. If he ends up having problems himself, I want to be able to devote all our time and attention to him, and not saddle a sibling with him, or worse, wind up with two kids with issues.
I think ultimately, it’s like fisha said: I’m trying to build the family I wanted to have. My first choice would have been to have a nice sibling, but since I can’t guarantee that, I’ll gladly take the close second - no sibling at all - over the risk of a terrible sibling.
I have a copycat sibling who studies me and tries to surpass me in anything I show a remote interest. It’s like I have a target on the back of my head, but I’m not sure if they do it deliberately or subconsciously. And I have another sibling who plays armchair psychologist diagnosing me with a mental disorder although they have no credentials to do so. The lone children in my family tree seem to do quite well flying solo. They get more financial help for college and a better inheritance.
I think you are worrying too much. If YOU (and your husband, of course) want another kid, then do it. If you are cool with the way things are now, that’s fine too. Kids are resilient and I think you can see from this thread that what kids need most is parents who love them and are generally interested in their welfare, and obviously you are, or you wouldn’t have started this thread! It’s the kids with fucked up parents who end up being truly unhappy, regardless of whether or how many siblings they have.
My sister and are 2 years apart. We went from mortal enemies as kids to basically strangers in high school through young adulthood. But we reconnected in the last couple years and have become very close friends. I never thought that could happen. So I guess I am saying as a kid it made no difference to me to have a sibling. But now I am glad I do.
I’m technically an only child. I have a step-brother who lived on-and-off with us but he didn’t care much for me until we were in our mid-to-late 20’s.
I always wanted a big sister that I’d be close with. I always thought I’d be a lot better adjusted socially if I did. Does that answer the OP’s question?
I stumbled upon your thread looking for answers myself, although I am 75% sure I am making the right decision (I plan to have a second, if I can make it happen, I am 40). I am in EXACTLY the same situation as you are. It was if i had written it myself. My son is now 5. He was very gregarious when he was 2 or 3. I mean he could make people fall off their chairs with laughter. Plus babies/toddlers are still “cute” so he got attention from strangers as well. He was the centre of attention, only grandson both sides. Was social with other kids (because other 2 or 3 year olds are probably still only children, so the parents are very social and willing to interact, and that is an important point. We are essentially all new parents and in the same boat, so relate to one another when our kids are still 2 or 3). Let me fast forward it for you. My son is now 5. We frequent the playground, but I find parents are not as willing to get to know you, why, they have 2 or 3 kids, most kids that age have another sibling that they will eventually run off too and play with. and those kids are all playing together. My son, is alone. Neighbourhood kids are great, but trust me the interaction is infrequent, and unreliable. You will yearn to have playdates but they may not materialize. It is way easier to coordinate playdates when our kids are all 2 or 3 years old, because chances are those kids are still onlys too. But once those parents have more kids, believe me the playdates slowly stop (too busy). People and their kids get on with there lives. Cocooned and Nuclear Families. Neighbours may have their own cousins who will visit on holidays or weekends, again your kid, will be left out. I am feeling it now as a mother and have started the process of having another child even though I am 40. I see how 5 or 6 year olds interact and it’s not as friendly as when they were toddlers, or as easy for your child to integrate and play with a kid that already has a playmate, his sibling. It’s really different. I was like you thinking, “My kid will be fine, because he is so outgoing and plays well with other kids.” My kid was the kid to give his toy to another kid, but that personality may stem from the fact that they never had to fight for what’s theirs, like other kids have to with their siblings. And that they are loved by parents and grandparents alike, but different reality when they are 5 or 6 and coming into their own and other kids are not so nice, and even more so if they have the backing of a sibling. Imagine your kid having to defend himself at school not against one but 2 kids (their sibling). I send my child to a private school where the class size is 12. But private or not, you cannot control the type of kid that goes there, as I naively thought. But wait, it gets worse. You start to see your child playing alone at home, trying to amuse himself with the same old toys. He has 2 extra curricular activities after school and swimming and tennis, but most parents from those groups are too busy to hang out afterwards. As kids get older, the busier their lives gets, but parents with 2 or more kids will not give you the time of day unless you have 2 or 3 kids their kids can play with. Just as parents of onlys like to find each other, parents of multiples start to have more in common and stay together. I also find, parents judging me for having one child. “You’re not having another one” (jaw dropping expressions on their face). Then the guilt, “Have you ever thought of how lonely he might be when he grows up?” So they already have a stigma attached to my child! Vacations were great until he about 41/2-5 yrs old, when he started to realize a world beyond his immediate family. He would see kids playing in the sand and will walk over to play or talk, the other kids will talk for a bit, but then scurry off to find their parents or go swim. My child continues to play alone, essentially abandoned from the hopes of playing with another kid. Other parents on vacation have their own agenda, why would they make the effort to play with your child for a week when they have their built in playmates. Blood is thicker than water…always. I think my son realized the lonliness the last 2 vacations. One to mexico and one to Disney. He doesn’t want to hang out all day with parents at Disney, I see his longing eyes to play with other kids at Disney, but their is no success in that, keep dreaming if you think parents will give you the time of day at Disney to play. So you say to yourself, i’ll just bring one of his friends along when he is older. They may not always say yes, so don’t count on it. It’s expensive, and a huge responsibility. Holidays are starting to get lonely. He doesn’t want to always see his old grandparents and his parents on every holiday. He wants kids. Easter, I had all the intentions to invite 2 of his friends for an Easter hunt. But one was going to church and then to a family dinner afterwards and another went to their cottage. So much for that idea, and then there goes another year. I am sure there may be some only children that don’t have these experiences but I believe you and I are in the same situation. No siblings, no cousins. That makes it all the more harder on only children. I too am very close to my cousins and we have gone to their house in the summer or march break but they have no children, and the ones that do, are 10 years older, or infants. They live far, Australia, Texas, California, I’m east coast. And my cousins children all have 1 sibling at least. I don’t think I can foster a real closeness with that much distance. I hope this helps. I am telling you my experiences as a mother that is trying her best to connect with people for playdates and providing the best school and vaccations for my child, but I think it won’t be enough. That’s my experience anyways.
Added footnote…My gregarious son is showing signs of shyness. He doesn’t like frequenting the playground anymore. His teacher has mentioned that other kids have started to blame him for things he did not do, and try as he might to defend himself, the other kid is “stronger” so she intervenes. She explained that that child has 2 older siblings, and that kind of family dynamic has made this particular kid quick to make excuses, and of course fling the attention away from himself when he is acting bad and he’s good at it. But there are 4 kids in his class that behave this way, 3 have older siblings and one has a younger sibling. Because my child is so nice, that child may view it as weakness. My kid says “yes” to everything and shares well, and doesn’t butt in line or push other kids. The other only boy in the class is also picked on by this particular boy.
No paragraphs, didn’t read.
So, how’s your kid doing, Heart of Dorkness?
Man … I was still really pissed at my parents back when I posted, huh? Anyway, I stand by what I said - only children aren’t inherently more or less lonely/introverted/weird than kids with siblings. No guarantees that they’ll be friends instead of fellow tormenters.
Neither do kids with siblings, really, unless their siblings are born when they are at least 4 or 5. They can see what it’s like for other kids who are only children, but only children can see what it’s like for other kids with siblings. They can imagine what it might be like for them with their parents and no siblings, but they don’t really know what that would be like, since they’ve never really experienced it.
Does this bother him? Some kids would rather be alone than play with other kids. I have a sister, but I still preferred playing by myself to playing with her. Some kids have less desire to play with other kids than others do, and having a sibling isn’t necessarily going to change that.
And having a sibling isn’t a guarantee that someone won’t be introverted and weird (I wouldn’t really describe myself as lonely, though a lot of more extroverted people might so describe me). I’m proof of that. If your kid came with an introverted and weird personality, as some kids do, he or she is going to be introverted and weird, siblings or no siblings.
Do you think a sibling with a 5 year age difference will make a good playmate?
I don’t think a 5 year-old has much interest playing with an infant, and 8 year-old a toddler, or a 10 year-old with a pre-schooler.
Double that if it a sibling of the opposite sex.
I (male) had a sister 5 years older than me and we pretty much had nothing to do with eachother socially growing up. I also have a brother 5 years younger than me and again we really didn’t make good companions growing up. We fought more than we played. I kept to myself at home and my social outlets were various friends my own age.
You do know that having another kid isn’t going to automatically teach your older child how to stand up for himself when other kids blame him for things he didn’t do, right? He might just eventually end up being blamed for things he didn’t do by his new sibling, as well as this other kid.
Have another kid if you want to, or don’t if you don’t want to. But don’t think that having another kid will fix everything you or anybody else don’t like about your current kid. And don’t think he’ll learn everything he needs to know about interacting with other kids by having a sibling. It just doesn’t work that way.
You could try teaching your son some strategies for dealing with it when someone else blames you for something you didn’t do. I would bet there are kids’ books or TV shows that have the characters dealing with that kind of situation, since getting blamed for something you didn’t do is so common.
**sensitive mom ** – mazal tov if you have another baby, I think it’s great. But I would point out that your son and kid #2 will be 5 or perhaps 6 years apart in age. You essentially will have 2 only children in the same household.
Particularly if baby #2 is a girl.
My uncle and mom were 5 years apart - uncle born in 1942, mom in 1947. They were of 2 different generations - uncle taking after his depression-era parents and Mom the flighty, irreponsible Baby Boomer.
5 years can be huge.
There’s a great book called “My One and Only” and it’s all first-hand narratives that explore both sides of every stereotype, assumption, belief, etc. for les enfants uniques.
It’s one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read–and the only book I ever contemplated stealing when I’d learned it was out of print.