I dunno, looks like a slight majority had either “lots of fights but lots of friendship” or “best pals”, compared to those who had more fights than friendship, and many who had mostly fights as children reported great relationships as adults.
I’m not an only, but lots of my friends are (age 20-30).
In high school, the only kids weren’t big fans of no siblings; they sometimes got lonely. All say they loved it growing up and in college and today.
Interestingly enough, all seem to have one really interesting trait, regardless of other background: all of the parents are just nuts about each other. As in, their parents are the most in love people I’ve ever seen or heard tale of. It’s almost like they decided “hey, this is enough because I want to spend more time with you”. Some are only kids due to fertility issues but many are due to “we want to devote all of our resources to one kid”.
I’d say they are the same in terms of being well-adjusted as their peers with siblings. Some are more selfish than others, but the same can be said for many middle children.
I feel lucky to be an only child. I have a great relationship with my parents, we’re truly friends and I love hanging out with them.
Perhaps it’s because my parents don’t have a good relationship with their siblings but I just never saw the attraction. Even when it comes to adult issues. I don’t want to court someone’s opinion when it comes to caring for my folks nor would I trust anyone else to care for them.
As far as holidays go, well, I never had that “under a microscope” feeling, holidays are just fun. I like Thanksgiving the best because we have my grandparents and a bunch of friends over. Christmas sucks because we spend it with aunts, uncles, and cousins - a bunch of shitty siblings.
If you don’t want another kid, don’t sweat it. People make their own family and in my experience, the custom version is loads better.
Thanks for your responses, everyone. Some comments I expected - having no one to play with, having no one to help with aging parents - while others were not something I had thought about - feeling like you have to pretend to be happy for your parents at the holidays.
My own situation is actually pretty similar to a lot of what’s described here. I won’t go into gory detail, but suffice it to say, I basically had the opposite of the “ideal” sibling relationship growing up. And now, as an adult, not only can I not depend on her help when our father dies, it’s likely I’ll have to support her as well in the not-too-distant future. So at least if the kid starts pining for a brother (or sister), I can serve as an example that not all siblings are so wonderful to have, and you don’t get to choose who you get. And while I did get to have the big, boisterous holidays with all my aunts, uncles, and cousins, unfortunately, that’s not something I can provide my kid, anyway.
That’s also not something I had considered (no grandchildren), but if that’s how things go, so be it. Sure, I guess grandkids would be fun, but really, I just want him to be happy, and if he doesn’t want kids, I certainly wouldn’t want him to have them.
I’m really hoping this is the case. I know I’m seeing a lot of first-time moms around my age or even older, and the chances seem good that one- and two- kid families will be more common.
I’m going to give this a lot of thought. I feel like we already do this a bit; we’ll buy a toy for the kid, and get all excited for him to play with it, and sometimes, he just doesn’t give a damn. At this age, he has no idea what we’re thinking, but it won’t be long before he can tell if we’re disappointed. I want to avoid that if possible. I suppose one thing that might help would be for all of us to spend time volunteering, where the point is not my husband and I trying to make our son happy, but rather, all of us doing something to make others happy. It seems like it’s also important for my husband and I to enjoy ourselves and each other, and have interests that don’t revolve around the kid.
But on the other hand, I definitely felt like the holidays - mostly Christmas, I guess - was all about us kids. The gifts, the music, the decorations, the food; it was all for our benefit. And they took photos of everything, and we hammed it up. And I don’t think that was necessarily a bad thing. I never felt like there was *pressure *to enjoy it for their sake; if I didn’t enjoy it, that was just too bad for me.
But back on the first hand - I still remember vividly one Christmas when I was in college, and thought I was very cool, and basically wore all black all the time. My mom got me two horribly cutesy sweatshirts, along these lines. I tried to act appreciative, but they were so bad, they caught me off guard, and apparently she could tell I was a little nonplussed. She was really, really hurt that I didn’t like them, and I felt like a heel. I spent the whole day reassuring her that I would absolutely wear them, and that they were very cute. I still have one. I’ve never worn it, but I’m never getting rid of it, either. To this day, I feel terrible guilt that I hurt her feelings like that, and I’d hate to do that to my kid.
I guess what it comes down to is that while I want to make him happy, I can’t get too invested in that, at the holidays or any other time. There will be times when I try to do something really awesome for him, and it fails, or he hates it, and that’s just life, and it’s not his fault. He still has to be gracious and polite, though.
Yes. Even though I didn’t get this from my sibling, I’ve always had this attitude toward her, and I do think it’s an important value to have: that regardless of whether you like your family or not, you love them, and you look out for them. I want my kid to grow up to have that sense of responsibility toward others, and to understand that sometimes we do things for other people, even if they’re jerks, because they’re our jerks. I’ve thought about joining a Unitarian church (we’re atheists) for exactly this reason - I want him to have a community of people who are there for him, and vice versa, whether they’re “friends” or not. I think this is something volunteering could help with, too.
Hah! I had two roommates, and the one who was an only child specifically offered her stuff for our use, and still flipped out when we used it. She also went nuts when I accidentally stained the carpet (that I owned), because the stain was in “her” part of the room. But then, she was nuts, period.
When my mom died a couple of years ago, I felt so alone. Even my sister was handling it in a totally different way, and I couldn’t really talk to her about it. And then an uncle took me aside and said, “No one else can feel what you’re feeling, because no one else had the same relationship with your mom as you did.” And I realized, that’s true for everyone. No matter how close you are to your siblings, each of you will be alone in your grief. It’s just the nature of losing someone you love.
That’s basically my attitude: I can’t produce a buddy for him, but I can at least help him build a happy life for himself.
That’s really interesting. I wonder if that will change as they get older.
That’s also interesting. I often feel like my husband and I just plain *like *each other in a way that many other couples don’t seem to. I also really like our kid, so far. It’s a little weird to say about a 14-month-old, I suppose, but I feel like I’d like him even if he weren’t my kid. I don’t really have a point here, I guess, but I’m feeling really lucky right now. 
Thanks a bunch to everyone who said something like this. It reassures me that we have a shot at giving our kid a happy, healthy life without a big family. And thanks to those of you who had negative experiences for sharing your stories as well; you affirm for me that this is an important thing to think about, and that there’s a wrong way to go about it, too. You guys rock.
I’m afraid I’m going to be all over the place here, so I’ll apologize in advance. But here goes…
I was never lonely as an only child. Oh, occasionally it would cross my mind how cool it would be to have a sister, but my mother was absolutely against it, so those thoughts were fleeting. I also was pretty much alone at the holidays too, as I didn’t have any cousins or nephews / nieces around. Fortunately for me, this never bothered me and I didn’t feel under the microscope or that I had to perform.
My home life growing up was unbelievably strict (for example I only spent the night away from home once, when I was a junior in high school, and never with relatives) and my mother a tyrant who would pit people against one another (among other horrible things). I have no doubt that her rules wouldn’t have been consistent across the board if I’d had siblings and I’m sure she would have set out to make us fight and hate each other, all for her own amusement.
I say all that because in light of where you’re coming from, you sound like the antithesis of my mother. Which would lead to an excellent experience for your kiddo if they’re the only one. You’ve given it much thought and you’re seeking to do what wasn’t done for me. Namely, providing a network for your child to not feel like he’s alone. Also, if you and your husband have a really good relationship, that’s an extra layer to add to his existence (my parents didn’t) that only benefits what he’ll go through.
Finally, I’m 43 now and I’ve never once been picked on or made fun of because I’m an only child. Certainly in this day and age where people tend to try to be more accepting and tolerant of differing viewpoints, I can’t imagine he’ll face any gruff. Just keep being the awesome mom you are and, no matter what you decide, he’ll be fine.
What this thread has taught me: I got the best of both worlds! I have a much older sibling, so I got to grow up like an only, but now that the parents are getting older, I have someone else to share the burden with.
I know I’m not what the thread asked for, but I’m a lot closer than most non-only children so my answer might offer at least some insight.
The kids in my family were born much further apart in age than in most. My older sister was almost 9 when I was born and I was close to 7 by the time my younger brother was born. I certainly got a taste of the loneliness that many of the only children in this thread have mentioned, as my sister was old enough that she wasn’t very interested in playing with me by the time I was old enough to notice. I don’t have many cousins close to my age (only one, really, and he was on the side of the family I didn’t see very often) so at family gatherings, there was always a bunch of older kids playing together, a few of younger kids playing together and me, too young for the teenagers and to old for the young kids.
If anything, I always wished (and kind of still do wish) my siblings had been born a few years closer to when I was. I have some friends who are brothers much closer in age and I’ll admit I’m kind of jealous. They got to share their childhood more, having similar interests at similar times, having more shared friends and hanging out together more without one being a bratty tag-along and the other mostly trying to ignore him.
Only child. One the whole, I wish I was able to have a sibling. It’s not a deal breaker or anything, but I think it’d be nice.
Growing up, it was a mixed bag. On one hand, I learned how to entertain myself, which is an increasingly valuable skill as you get older. I had a lot of friends, and I’ve grown up socially in the ream of normal. What I did miss out on, however, is a lot of the subtle skills that come with having to spend time with someone whether you want to or not. With friends, you come home at the end of the night and don’t need to deal with them. With siblings, I think you learn more sustained social skills. It’s also hard to keep a pretense of household discipline as a single kid- dinner table dinners get slightly absurd with such a small family, and I grew up without a lot of set household routines like you would need in a larger family- and as a result my manners aren’t quite what they could be.
I wasn’t spoiled, but I did get a lot of attention and that was nice.
Growing into young adulthood, however, it got less appealing. My mom had a tough time when I moved to college, and it’s still overwhelming for me to be the sole focus of her daughterly attention. The early years of college were especially tough- she had a tough time suddenly living on her own after me basically being her entire life, and I had a college student’s need for independence. I wish I had someone to spread some of that burden with, who could provide the emotional support that I often couldn’t.
It’s still a problem. My passion is working overseas, and in the US any job I get will be East Coast based because that is where the industry is. I feel a lot of guilt for not being there. I feel guilty that i won’t be able to live in my hometown, raise kids in the hometown, etc. I strongly wish that I had a sibling that might live a bit closer, and provide a bit of that. My mom has been very supportive of my dreams, but I know it kills her to see me so rarely.
Holidays now are still fun, but I do worry about holidays in 30 years, when a lot of my family probably won’t be here. My family isn’t great at reproducing, and there is a reasonable chance that by then my family will only have two people in it. That depresses me beyond words, and puts a lot of pressure on me to have kids when otherwise I am fairly mixed on the idea.
I think if i have kids, I’ll try strongly for two. It’s not horrible to be an only, but I’d hate to put my kid under the pressure that I am under.
:eek:
Holy hell. I’m a data point against you, then - I sometimes joke that I’m an only child because my parents couldn’t stand to be in the same room together long enough to make any more. (They’re still married, btw - had their 35th wedding anniversary not long ago. Still hate each other, though.)
I don’t think it ever even occurred to be to feel “weird” growing up about being an only kid. Trust me - I got picked on for everything imaginable. If the kids I gew up with thought that was a tauntable offence I would have heard about it!
I am an only child and I have always enjoyed it, but I think this is because I am a mellow introvert. I was never lonely growing up. I was always good at entertaining myself (like Asimovian, I was and still am a skilled daydreamer), and I always got along well with others. Never had any social anxiety. Never wished I had more playmates.
My parents and I get along great, more the older we get. Always got along with everyone in the family. I was spoiled, but I never wanted or asked for much. I did occasionally feel all eyes were on me, but I attribute this to being the oldest local grandchild on both sides of the family. I’d have been expected to be an example to my younger cousins no matter what.
I think what the OP’s doing is just fine. Just be sure not to push your kid to be more social than he wants to make up for being an only. I know I would have resented being forced to interact with others on general principle alone.
Sattua said it well. I was an only child til I was 17. I enjoyed being an only child, but once my brother got to his teenage years, even though I was out of the house, you can’t imagine how incredible it was and even kind of surreal for me that there existed this other person who actually had the same parents.
Though time displaced, this sense of solidarity and shared experience were an immense source of comfort for me.
And there is a lot of pressure in being the only child and being 24/7 in the spot light.
I think it’s better to have at least one sibling. Or at worst, very frequently visiting cousins.
I often wished I had a sibling. Still do.
Only child here, mother of 5 kids. I’ve seen it from both sides.
As an only, I had a lot of advantages-trips, attention, independence, adult interaction, ability to amuse myself. Negatives-I miss some social cues, I can be selfish, no one to remember childhood with. (Mom has been dead for a long time, dad is just a guy.)
As a mom of 5, born within 9 years-Always something going on, lots of daily interaction with each other, helping each other. Built in friends. Sharing of chores, treats, etc. Negatives-get lost in the shuffle, not a lot of individual parenting time, not a lot of ‘adult’ excursions-museums, fancy dinners, etc. Kids get along well, but I have no illusions that we’ll all live within 5 miles of each other, mow each others lawns.
You don’t need to be a psychologist to figure out I made the family I never had. I really like it, and my kids seem to, too.
My dad had me, with my mom, when he was 56. He had two other daughters, with his first wife, in his 20’s. So, for all intents and purposes, I am an only child.
Definitely this. I feel very distant from my peers in a number of topics–I never learned to embrace certain activities because my parents are much older than most. I had discipline drilled into me. More often than not, at social events, I find myself off in my own little world of thought, and often assume a lot of things people are doing for fun are just plain stupid. I’m not trying to be arrogant, but I don’t always see the point.
I was shy as hell growing up too. In many ways, I’m still a very quiet person. I think it was from a lack of social interaction and having no siblings.
And last year when I began college, things were pretty difficult to adjust to. I could not stand the noise every single weeknight from the people in my dorm. I loathed hearing drunk people shriek and laugh at all hours. Looking back, I believe that I would’ve been able to tune it all out better if I’d had a sibling or two growing up.
In a similar vein, I did not like my roommate; having her in the room and this close to my personal stuff made me extremely territorial. I hated how she’d come in at 4AM and wake me, as well as a long list of other stuff that irritated me. I’m sure I would’ve had a much better level of tolerance for all this if I’d had to deal with more people in my family growing up, rather than just the authority-friend figures of my parents.
I’m not sure I can add anything here but I’ll share my Reader’s Digest version anyway.
Only child with “older” parents than my peers. I was raised in the country with no peers nearby so most (if not all) of my interactions were with adults. Consequently, I was a little difficult to get along with when I started kindergarten. The nonsense (bring a rug to take a nap??? puhleze) didn’t make any sense to my 5-year-old brain and I was more than happy to tell them so. Some things never change. 
Holidays were never lonely because we always lived close to extended family so aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends were all celebrating together. It did suck, though, when someone bought me a board game because no one was there to play it with me.
Anyway, I am grateful to have had two of the best parents on the planet. There were times in my life that I would have liked to have sibs but there have been just as many times I was happy to be an only.
Failing health and death were difficult in that I was the only one responsible; but once my dad died, I could settle his estate without having to ask anyone’s permission or listen to the inevitable “Mom said I could have that!”
I was 21 when my dad remarried and started a new family, so while I technically have a step brother and 5 half siblings, I was raised as an only child. Of a single mother. Who was emotionally unavailable to me.
I was so lonely. SO very lonely. My mom came home from work every day and closed herself in her room. I ate frozen dinners every night. Or breakfast cereal. Or canned soup. Or whatever I could find for myself. My mom didn’t cook.
I had nobody to talk to about anything, except my psychologist who I saw once a week starting at age 4. I thought of my psychologist as my best friend until I left home at 17 and stopped seeing her.
Part of the problem is that my mom didn’t allow me to have a social life. I had a 1 hour/day limit for phone calls, wasn’t allowed to have people over, wasn’t allowed to go out, etc. so it was just me, her, and her roommate, who wasn’t particularly friendly or social either.
I would have given ANYTHING to have a sibling. ANYTHING. Because it was SO LONELY.
But if you actually spend time with your child, and encourage them to have friends, that’s different. I was raised to be isolated and alone, and it sucked.
Not that it’s your kid’s choice, but it sounds like he’d be down with having a little brother or sister.
I am glad I was an only child; I never wanted siblings. I enjoyed my solitude. I guess I still do, as I never had children. After I had my tubal ligation I was sort of reluctant to tell my mom since it would mean she would never be a grandmother. When I finally told her she said well, I’ll never have to feel old, then. I thought that was a great point of view.
Just to stick up for non-onlies, it’s quite possible to have a competitive and/or combative relationship with a sibling in your teens (like I and my sister had) and then get along well in adulthood. It’s all a complete crapshoot, really.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to just have another kid because you think your kid needs a brother or sister, though. If you want to have 2 kids, you should. If you just want 1, that’s okay too. It’s not like either option is going to cause him more psychological damage than the other.
Great thread.
I’m an only, and have been fine with it for most of my life, except for a few years during adolescence when I longed for a sib, mainly just out of curiosity. (So, be prepared for the possibility that your son may, for a time, try to make you feel like crap for making him an only. It will likely pass.)
One thing concerns me – that you feel a need to pressure him to have “lots of friends”. That sounds like an overreaction to a nonexistent (or not necessarily existent) “problem”. I always had a nice group of close friends, and of course a wider circle of acquaintances – neighbors, cousins (though not nearby), preschool, children of parents’ friends… No need for you to worry about this, any more or less than any other parent would. When it comes to friends, quality is more important than quantity. (Heck, given that we all have limited time and energy, I’d say that, in a way, these vary INVERSELY.)